Amber graduated! a mental health and friends thread

OH BOY i was just celebrating not having to go to church again until christmas and dad brings up that he wants to watch a video series together about christianity to try and understand where i am spiritually
my god dad i know it's really pressing to you knowing that i'm not religious but i am just so done with religion right now.
of course i'm awful at saying no to these things so i said sure let's do that thing =.=; maybe i'll be able to say something that makes him lay off during this experience

 

haha maybe i should tell him i'm a sex worker and just get disowned now

 

Guhh. I really wish I could experience people asking me to stop talking about sex without my brain going haywire over it. It's just like immediate gut punch and whoops i should be quiet forever feeling. u: why did purity culture have to do this to me.

 

Hi welcome to random rant o clock!

So I just got back from the Renaissance Festival and am experiencing the same thing I experience every Ren Fest: questioning my sexuality. something about an openly bawdy environment where everyone's flirting with every gender makes my brain go 'but what if not completely gay???'
this year especially because i did a thing that, to be fair i'd wanted/planned to do for a few years?? which is go up during the r rated tortuga twins show and kiss the three of them as the official Only Three Guys I'll Ever Kiss fun.
and uh. I? Enjoyed myself? Besides beards being a weird weird texture they felt like normal kisses which are pretty neutral to me and god damn am i an attention whore at the fest so it was just. a lot of fun. and I'm personally not really disturbed by the revelation this year, I've had enough sexual situations around with girls and guys to know that I'm definitely homosexual and so far completely homoromantic. But there's this like... sensualish and performative sensual area where I'm more gray on it and I honestly just wish I could be open and comfortable with that? But I just. I don't trust guys to respect my boundaries if I'm open about something like that. There's already so many guys in the world that just don't believe me when I say I don't want sex with men that if I say I'm sometimes okay with kissing guys it just feels like another opening i'm giving guys to forcing me in a bad situation.
guh. why can't i just be a whore/attention whore without worrying about guys wanting to take things further or not believing my words
(also i'm going back to the ren fest next and there's two of the younger tortuga twins at the show that week and i sorta want to do the thing again but. i feel like that might be weird/annoying and idk. maybe i'll just stick to flashing them this time :P maybe just stuff some dollars in their thongs? maybe this is all just a sign that I really need to get into some sort of performance already so I don't feel this intense need to help in derailing another person's stage show :P alas if only burlesque and pole dancing lessons didnt cost so much)

 

So I found a 55% off groupon for a local burlesque class that I'd been keeping an eye on and now I'm signed up for two months of burlesque classes!! Yay! I feel this is a good way to channel my increasing want to be the center of attention in a sensual context feels

 

Wow switching meds sucks.

Spent my whole time between waking up and getting on the bus wanting to quit my job :,D

 

Brain I know you're trying really hard to dissociate but we're at work damn it

 

oh mood

 

I honestly might put my two weeks in for this job next shift. They're not respecting my schedule at all and I can boost my hours on my other job and not lose too much income overall. I want to be able to do my art and work towards a job I actually want again and it's becoming clear that I'm not going to be able to do that while having this job.

Maybe I'll put in my two weeks this shift. It honestly depends whether I can manage to get the nice manager away from the Hell Manager to have a conversation.
Last time I talked about maybe having to quit around this time of year to Hell Manager I cried for half an hour afterwards and felt completely stuck in a job I can't manage that doesn't respect my outside life at all

 

Like if I could work two shifts a week in the back I would be thrilled but nope it's work 20 hours a week mostly on a register with a constant regimen of trying to sell people credit cards or bust apparently.

Not to mention the new posted schedule week they have me working 24 hours, the third time in 6 weeks they've tried to schedule me more hours than I'm open to be scheduled

Also my break ended like 3 minutes ago but I really really don't care anymore.

 

Honestly I have more than 6 months of my current income saved up already anyways why am I bothering with a job that makes me miserable.

 

I officially told them that I need to be done working!! Just need to put it down in writing and print it, which means I need to finally go to he library which means I can finally get my card!!

 

haha like 5 months later i res my thread. hi i ended up not completely quitting that job for like 2 more months and that was a bad decision but hey i did an amazing anxiety spiral where like, they accidentally pressured me into agreeing to work once a week when I really wanted to quit, so i didn't feel comfortable trying to quit again, so I just stopped going??? i literally just blocked the store's number and never went again and by the time i realized there was one roundabout way i could actually message the store to tell them i quit officially without having to deal with direct talking where i might accidentally agree to not quit again I had already been fired. That was fun.

Anyways I legit forgot why I was ressurecting this thread while reading my old posts so just have that ramble. My other job gave me a 20 cent raise after a review effective starting my next paycheck and then in half a month they're raising everyone's pay by 50 cents so I'll soon be making nearly the same as I was with Stress Hell job in a job that only stresses me out once a week or so. amazing

and hopefully one of the companies that have made 'animate for me' eyes at me will actually pick me up and i can animate somewhere else and go on an adventure. i have way too much wanderlust and the fact that i've lived in one place for 8 months has made me antsy (that and with student loan payments piling on top of other expenses i'm sorta living on a deficit rn)

 

OH i remembered what i was gonna talk about

i had a sleepover with a friend that i hadn't seen in 2 1/2 years, we met at church when we were 9 and she was an amazing friend especially when i had no friends in school but like, she went to private lutheran schools her whole life so late high school when i was being, like... a gay heathen, we sorta drifted apart because i didn't know how to communicate with her anymore.
but now it turns out she's an ace heathen!!!! god something about the lutheran church we went to spat out extremely devout young/mid teens that spiraled straight into 'fuck the church' college students. probably all the sheltering.
but oh my god it's so amazing to have someone who literally had the same exact church experience as me to talk about deconversion and stuff with??? like same exact in that we literally had all the same bible classes together, the whole jam. it's just an amazing amount of mutual understanding of the experience of being so deeply into this religion and then going 'oh fuck this is nonsense' the moment you get to step outside of it. gaah. it was such a good sleepover and a perfect balance of mutual nostalgia and also being in similar enough places now that we can reconnect on a current level. i'm so heckin happy

 

I’m so glad J is an ace heathen now. Is she a ‘no church’ heathen like you or a ‘yes Old Gods’ heathen like me? Either way that’s wonderful. The high fantasy contagion always blooms in the end, doesn’t it. I hope no one ever figures out it actually does encourage girls to think for themselves and leave the church.

Good luck with sorting out The Jobs. I mean, I eventually hit zero money. It’s good to think about what you would have to give up to live with no savings and consider how much of that you actually need now. But a way is found inevitably. Unless you’re dead you keep on living somehow, which sounds threatening, I’m just saying life has no choice but to keep going on. If you do a big move it’ll probably chomp up everything... so male sure you’re moving to a job that can sustain you >u<

Good luck!!

 

...then again I feel I should ask if it’s even “she” for J anymore. I’m getting “this person is not cisgender” vibes from somewhere but it could be my own house

 

Advice to past Amber; you can apparently have both???
So I spent almost 10 months in my home area and had some A+ socializing tbh but about January started having 'oh god I have to get out of retail and I really do want an animation job' feels and while I did not do near the amount of job applying that I intended to do, I did do a fair amount and like? I? Have? An animation job? In England? I'm just waiting on getting the final contract and then I'll work on getting my visa in and planning a house to move into and then... I'll be in England for the next 10 months doing a job in my major.
Wtf @ me I never expected to actually succeed at life?
Also I just reread this whole thread and yeah wow me not on antidepressants is a very bad thing, past Amber you have no clue how much you had mental health problems

 

MmmmmmMMMmmmmm

my mom's just realizing she was to some level abused growing up and it's. weird to talk with your mom about processing the shit your grandma's done to her.

 

Oh big hat. It’s useful to know in some ways because it helps me understand and handle some situations that arise. But there’s not much more I can do beyond occasionally saying, this looks like stress over here is bringing Unhealthy Dynamic 4B back into play over there. I’m not knowledgeable enough about abuse and I’m too close to the situation.

 

I admit I chortled while pressing the ‘witnessed’ button. I knew that but it’s usually just stressful to insist to a person that they have been abused if they’re unaware and it’s already over.

Can’t wait to come up and see y’all >u< everyone gets very big hug and maybe presents. Sis gets her sweatpants back.

The best thing is solidarity amongst ourselves. Gma has caused everyone a lot of grief in the past year.