Angry and Bitter(depressive spiral in action)

I'm really pissed off about this. Just warning y'all.

So, my moirail came into town this weekend. I ended up spending maybe half-an-hour with her before she departed. She spent it with her (abusive) family. But that's okay! She needs to prove to them that she loves them so they don't act like complete and total abusive cunts! Plus, I have plans to go up and visit her for almost a full week in April.

It is important to note that I didn't plan for this specific date. One of the things that happen in my job is that my clients will periodically leave to visit family, leaving me with no hours to work. So, this was a window presented to me by one of my clients going out of town. I informed my moirail the moment I found out(about a month agao) and we have both been looking forward to my visit.

Back to today. We were chatting and bemoaning how little time we got to see each other this trip, when she asks, when exactly was I coming down. Not offended or anything, because my brain's kinda mush and my communication skills are suffering for it. So I inform her that I'm coming down the first thursday, and leaving the following tuesday.
"Easter weekend?"
"I guess. I don't know when Easter is, but I'm coming the first weekend in April, so if it's that weekend, then yes?"
"I promised my grandma I would come down for Easter. She has been begging me about it."
"... what? When are you coming down???"
"We haven't decided exactly, but probably Saturday and leaving Sunday."
*insert breif arguing and discussion of how exactly that would work*
What is our current working plan? Why, it's for me to drive 4 hours up to see her on thursday, drive back down(her grandma lives in the same area as me) with her on Saturday. Drive back up with her on Sunday, and then I drive back home on Tuesday. And I am just fucking pissed.

I do not want to spend 16 fucking hours in a fucking car. I do not want to spend ANY of that time with her family. I do not like her family. I moved out with her to get her away from her family. I do not want to be exhausted because I have to spend 4 hours in a bloody car every few days. I WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH MY MOIRAIL.

And I am pissed because she chooses her family over me, a lot. She has to prove something to them, while my love is free. And I am bitter and angry. Maybe if I was abusive and manipulative, MAYBE I could have some of her time instead of getting thrown aside all the time. I am just so fucking pissed and hurt.

And yes, we are moirails. She is the only person who makes me happy. I want her happy. And I'm not going to throw this shit at her, because that's exactly what her family would do. I just... ugh!

 

Bleh... Yeah, we can do buses. We may end up doing that for the weekend. We haven't really had time to chat since. So things may change. I will definately take my car up the first time because I'm a bit picky about my environment, so I'll have some fairly big bags to bring with me. Also, I still have some stuff to drop off with her from our old apartments.

The big thing is it's a giant interrupt. I will end up spending every day "recovering" from the constant environment change. I was looking forward to actually having several days so I could atleast pretend to be myself, but with the constant shifting... I'm just going to be tired over and over again. All I ever am is fucking tired, and I'm sick of it. I keep on making excuses for it "well I'm burned out" "I worked a lot today" "I just need time to adapt to the new environment" "I'm depressed". And I was just looking forward to being with the one person who makes me happy and not having to deal with all the excuses and tiredness, but it's not going to happen. So now I(we) just need to figure out how to salvage the most out of this mess. I just don't know if I'll actually get anything this time.

But hey! I finally got myself to cry, so it's not a total loss!

 

I debated on creating a new thread, but these thoughts are basically the result of this same issue.

So, I think I broke my dedication/loyalty-to-people-is-important thing. Because I am suddenly lacking the most persuasive thought about staying where I live: I can't leave the people I have bonded and developed relationships with. It's gone. I want to leave. I want to just go away. I don't want to be trapped here anymore. I want to take risks.

And this is... well, completely not like me. I am a loyal person who believes in building strong foundations that are reliable and constant. I am patient, solid, giving. And now I just want to run away. I want to be alone by myself, worry only about myself. I want to break out of the system. I want to abandon everything I have worked so hard to build.

I have been thinking about this all day. The idea started last night, but it hasn't gone away. I just keep thinking "What if I just left?", over and over. I've been thinking about what I'd bring with me. I've been thinking of just living in my car. I've been thinking of who I'd visit and where I would go. I thought about what I'd lose: steady job, my bed, my preferred food. I have been wondering how to get money if I lived on the road. What marketable skills would I need to have a job that I don't need to stick in one place for? Would I travel down south for the winter, or couch surf with friends and family? I am honestly interested in answers if anyone has them. Maybe some brutal truth will lay my dreams to rest. Maybe they will provide me with the tools I need to succeed. I don't know.

I don't know why this thought has become so strong so suddenly. Is it my recent lack of identity transforming into something new? Is it a sudden spike of depression that has robbed me of any thoughts of happiness and hope in my current life? Am I angry and lashing out at what my life has given me? Am I finally breaking out of all my habitual values that have always come before my happiness? Is this a temporary dream, or a solution to a problem I was never ready to face before? I just don't know anymore.

I need grounding, if anyone can provide it. I need to know if my brain is tricking me.

 

That sounds frightening to me. Sleeping in your car? No job? Things can go very bad very quickly. I knew someone who was sick of college, and decided to play hobo for 6 months (in California it seemed doable, at least with regard to the weather.) I saw him a year later, he looked 30 years older, and not a healthy early 50s, but skid row, life is over 50s. It was completely shocking.

The things that stand out to me about the thoughts you describe: no positive vision, just an urge to get away; no sense of proportion; no sense of the economy of spoons; no distinction between options that might be workable and those that are almost certainly self destructive. I would not make any make any quick decisions in that state of mind.

That said, this might be a sign that you need or are ready for a change. If you could narrow down what you are most dissatisfied with, maybe the sheer energy of these thoughts could give you the spoons to explore a different job or a new living arrangement.

A more general point: this seems to me a particularly bad time for someone in Europe to give up a steady job. Its not just that the Greek crisis could go very wrong, but the falls in the Euro rate of exchange, and real German interest rates, are quite alarming.

 

Bleh... I just cannot words on this subject(I have been trying all day) but... Basically I am extremely dissatisfied with my life and I feel trapped. I feel like my own values have betrayed me. I will try to be coherent later, because I have lots of thoughts on the subject, they just refuse to be written down.

And because this was too relevant to pass up....

#guess where I live

 

Probably inappropriate but you made me actually laugh aloud with that pic, so thanks. :)