Ok so in light of a struggle I had yesterday during the conflict, I feel that it is a good idea to create a thread for the ugly side of anxiety. Which is to say, the side of it wherein you, the person with anxiety, become the aggressor in a situation. This is a very uncomfortable topic and it's really hard to come to grips with. Even after years I'm still hurt by it and still struggle with it. And I feel that others might have that same issue. So I am making a thread for it. If you've ever hurt someone during an anxiety spiral or worry that you might be doing so this thread is for you. Feel free to share anecdotes and talk with others about their experiences with being a thoroughly unpleasant human because you're scared. Feel free to ask for and offer advice too. Because I think it might help to have advice going around about it you know? We're not bad people. I feel that needs to be stressed. Because I often feel like a bad person during or after the spirals if I am aware of what I'm doing. But we're not bad people. We're just kind of a bit broken and need a bit of patching up is all. And that's ok. Even if it takes us a long time.
Hello, I have severe anxiety and in the past it caused me to lash out a lot. Not as much these days, at least, but I still get really snarky and mean when I get backed into a corner even when no one is actually intending to do that to me. Especially when people point out things I'm doing wrong which I feel like normal adult humans should know how to do without fucking up, because of Trauma Junk. Like I recently snapped at my boyfriend because I fucked up filling up the ice tray and got ice water all over the icecubes, and he tried to point out that I could look at the little water bubbles inside to see if it was ready. I felt like an idiot. I also get really yelly when engaged in yelling contests, again a Trauma Junk thing. And even when conversation is normal I have incredibly shit volume control - I use my outside voice inside and my inside voice outside. It can make conversations with me kind of hard because I often don't realise I'm doing it as my anxiety levels hike up. I have to be asked to correct a lot and it's hard for me to correct because I just don't notice that shit. I also try to overcorrect a lot especially when attention gets called to something because I'm terrified of Hurting Someone. So I can't ever be angry or anything. Which probably isn't healthy. Some of this stuff might also be explainable by other stuff I have but the anxiety is definitely a big part of it. Sorry if any of this was kind of jumbled, it's a bit hard to admit because my brain starts screaming about how I'm Bad and everyone will know I'm Bad now. (As you pointed out, this is my brain being a jerk and I'm Not Actually Bad.)
No, no it's fine. If any of it's jumbled. Because it's hard like you said. And really the anxiety issues tend to be just a jumble in and of themselves? Like just just lots and lots of things all running together. My biggest issue recently are feeling that friends of mine are being attacked in some fashion and feeling overwhelmed and like I'm being ordered to do things. With the latter basically, I get really stressed out by obligations. And I feel awful if I don't get them all done. But the thing is that even like happy fun relaxation time becomes interpreted as an obligation. Something that I MUST set time aside for and MUST do. So when people suggest things to me like let's do this fun thing occasionally I'll snap because NO YOU ARE MAKING ME OBLIGATED TO DO THINGS AND TELLING ME WHAT TO DO. I feel all very trapped and controlled. And so I snap. It's unpleasant.
I definitely feel you on snapping over feeling Obligated to do things, I get that way sometimes too. Especially when it feels like people want to spend a lot of time with me. I start to get really hissy-spitty-cat about no I must establish my territory and a safe space for me and not for you go away personal space!!!! Even when I like them and want to spend time with them.
Sometimes I get resentful out of feeling Obligated and aim that resentfulness at the person I feel obligated to help, even though they haven't actually been pushing me at all? It's a shitty habit.
Yeah that is something I've definitely noticed with me. It doesn't help. At times it'll get people to shut up, but that isn't really right. After a period of time it definitely becomes a form of abuse. One of the worst parts about it I think is that it's very hard to admit that you being afraid can actually hurt people and that you, the scared person, might be in the wrong or actively abusing someone. Because it's like no I am scared let me be scared you're the bad guy not me. The fact that I'm scared is proof of that! But it's not really proof of anything other than the fact that you're scared. This gets even worse to manage when at least part of the anxiety is due to having been abused in the past.
i do this. not very often, thankfully, but when my anxiety gets really bad i can get very mean. i get snappy and aggressive over small things and it's completley unhelpful. im also very scared of the fact that i do this because my mother does it too, a lot, and i really dont want to turn out like her. most of the time i can feel when im getting to this point and and usually ask people near me to please, please leave me alone and not to talk to me. for some reason people are very bad at understanding that this really does mean leave me alone, do not check on me, do not come near me, please leave me alone, i dont want to hurt you with my fear. people not listening to me wrt this really gets my anxiety going because i dont want to hurt people and also bc of boundaries :V
feel this so much. i tend to snap and lash out a lot at people who are close to me when i'm panicking or just want everything to stop, and naturally doing that Does Not Help The Situation At All. After whatever particular episode i have i usually just curl up in my own private headspace in a ball of endless guilt and self-loathing, so that's always fun. i guess i also take after my father for doing this, although i am scared to high hell of turning out like him in the future. he's just..hes someone what i desperately do not want to be like. and the thought of being similar to him makes me feel like i need to throw up.
I get it from my dad too and live in this mortal fear that I'll be like my family so I know that feel. It is a shitty feel. It is hard to remember that, even if I learned things from him and inherited some of the mental problems from that side of the family, I am my own person and have my own chance to be something different.
God I feel the 'I'm going to become like my family' feel really hard. I'm always terrified that I'm going to turn out to be abusive like them and not realise because I'm too busy feeling my feelings. My boyfriend tells me it's scrupulosity, but I'm still worried about it because I guess that's how anxiety works.
