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April's Brain Journal

Discussion in 'Brainbent' started by Carnivorous Moogle, Jul 22, 2016.

  1. Carnivorous Moogle

    Carnivorous Moogle whose baby is this

    all-purpose dumping ground for venting, observations, and hypotheses about how i work. imma try to list the things in the first post, for easier browsing, but either way about time i made a general one of these

    contains dissection of my interactions with other people, which may include venting/talking to myself about interactions with other forum members; these will be under spoilers marked 'kintsugi stuff,' if you have to quote any such things or respond to me about them please keep them under spoilers or PM me, although i would really rather you didn't unless you're the person the thing is about wanting to talk to me about it (which i welcome, by the way). this is me starting a thread for cataloguing Things About How My Brain Works and How to Deal with Them, not a rumor/gossip/vagueblogging mill, and i hope to make that clear from the beginning; if anyone has more advice on how to go about this without spreading anxiety or drama around, i'd appreciate it. thanks!

    Concepts to Observe and Expand On:

    - The Silent Hill Effect: feeling disconnected from the world around me and the people in it, as if i'm trapped on another plane of reality; usually very, very distressing and prompts impulses to frantically seek out other people, destructive if need be. how does this happen? how can i prepare for it/fix it/take care of myself during?

    - You Can't Get Ye Flask: getting a text-adventure gut feeling of You Can't Go That Way/You Can't Do That/You Can't Talk to That Person, for no apparent reason; probably an avoidant thing, can be perfectly happy while doing it and not really notice until the thing i'm ignoring gets bad enough that the cognitive dissonance is painful to maintain, response usually gets stronger the longer it goes unaddressed, pushing through it directly is spoons-intensive, so have to work on ways to keep things from flying under the radar and catch them early on. which will be fun, because ADHD. yayyyy

    - Mechanical Spider Head: my image of myself and how my brain works, for the most part. will probably need more than one post to explain, so just putting this here for now

    - Time Bullshit, consisting of:

    1. Time Distortions: will go into detail later

    2. Time Anxiety: instant chest/heartbeat anxiety spike whenever i think about the logistics of making things happen in a certain timeframe

    - Happycrashes: sudden mood crashes any time i get Really Happy and Energetic and Hyperfocus-y; does being happy take spoons? ugh :(

    - Sound Sensitivity, Inconsistency Thereof: sound tends to drain my spoons badly, even when i'm enjoying/stimming to it. bad on some days because it drains my mood/energy without my noticing, bad on others--usually bad self-care days--because every sound however minor feels like a punch in the head and makes me nauseous. possibly tied to happycrashing?

    - Chest Anxiety: hypervigilance, inability to relax, thought process speeds up and becomes very mechanical and pragmatic, concentrated feeling like a flare of energy burning in chest and stomach, stomach feels closed off, don't exactly feel nauseated unless i try to force down food; not always negative, helpful for work, not helpful for rest or having to wait inactive for work periods to start

    - Gut Anxiety: intense nausea, painful pounding heart, shaking, most likely a fear/post-fear response; usually alleviated by crying or ranting to someone, doesn't go away until dealt with, causes increasingly worse problems and shutdowns in functioning the longer i try to shove it down

    - Morning Self-Care Backlog: pretty much what it says on the tin, and part of the reason my days off tend to start shitty and late. needing to use the bathroom, eat, drink, brush my teeth, walk around, etc. kills my executive dysfunction first thing so that i can't get up, and i can't take care of any of those things until i get up.

    (more to come)
     
    Last edited: Jul 25, 2016
  2. Carnivorous Moogle

    Carnivorous Moogle whose baby is this

    so i constantly and desperately find myself wanting to rp/be creative in short bursts, only to Intensely Not Care about the thing within a short time period afterward. i think this has to do with the way in which i learn/create things, but it's also incredibly fucking frustrating and i wish i could isolate what exactly it is my brain is looking for here. will probably dissect this more as i go.

    Edit #1: adding pieces to a creative thing has to be done solidly, or else my brain rushes through the whole concept at once until it's a fused gloppy mess in my head and i have a headache from thinking about it. very distressing. dumping ideas in a doc is helpful, but also leaves me feeling drained of all interest in the thing i was going to write about.

    ...but then, when i come back to it later and the idea catches my eye, it feels more set and fully formed and easier to care about/work with/add to? so i should push myself to add to things and write them down even when it feels like it'll be useless.

    Edit #2: the thing is that that still leaves me high and dry on any kind of collaborative efforts with other people. or things like dedicated learning courses, for that matter. i can only pack so much about a thing into my head until it just won't fit anymore, can only care about it so much and for so long after my brain has decided it's satisfied, and the rest of it just flies straight past me, and i have to let what i have settle for days or weeks or months or years before i can start learning/writing/etc the thing again. i don't know how to do this. i don't know if this is the best i can do or if i'm missing something that's crippling my ability to learn and create and do shit in general.

    aaaargh.

    Edit #3: been trying to figure out what it is that i like about the foods i keep impulsively spending on, so i can find cheaper multi-serving replacements from the store and learn how to make them. sandwiches are coming along pretty well, but i still need to replace burgers, possibly fries, pastries, milky tea, and coffee. hampered by the fact that i can't keep my one mug clean worth shit and when i try to boil water in the kettle it tastes funny. hm.

    Edit #4: found potential replacements for most of the food for this week, so that's something. still need to see about maybe cleaning out that kettle, though (and, uh, maybe not storing it in the bathroom ._. )
     
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2016
  3. Carnivorous Moogle

    Carnivorous Moogle whose baby is this

    room stinks. fell asleep at 11:30, have been in bed for 12 hours now, can't get up. can't swallow because tonsils make my mouth disgusting in the morning, cant get up to go take care of it, can't spit into an empty water bottle because then there will be gross shit hanging out in my room until i take care of it. which who knows when that will happen, because cleaning out stuff with spit in it makes the bathroom smell vile for a long time afterward and i need to shower at some point, and my brain still hasn't parsed the trash situation. can't get up to pee, brush teeth, walk around, drink, and eat, because the unpleasantness of needing all of those has murdered my executive function as usual. aaarrrggghhhh

    okay alright here we go

    Edit #1: god fucking dammit. i treated myself too much this month despite knowing i need to save some goddamn money in a hurry and now i might not have enough to pay rent this month without dipping into my savings

    aaaaaaAAAARRRGGGHHHH

    Edit #2: no spending money today. you got enough food and water at home to take care of yourself just fine. eat before you leave the house, bring water with you. if you want hot tea you can wash out your mug properly this time. no spending money today.

    Edit #3: have not spent money, this is a good. turned in check, this is also a good. am low-key freaking out because by next paycheck i will have only been working half-shifts for three days of this week, which means, again, may have to dip out of savings. and also figure out how to handle the monthly automatic 25-dollar transfer to my savings when i will almost certainly not have money left over in checking for that.

    i will most likely have less in my savings by the end of this month than i did a few weeks ago when i panicked about not having enough money in it and resolved to get my shit together. i am pathetic. fuck me.

    no brain now is not a good time to go into a naive 'GONNA FIX MY WHOLE LIFE NOW YEAH' spiral. those don't end well. please just focus on the stuff in front of us right now instead of trying to distract me with starting a webcomic or some shit ffs
     
    Last edited: Jul 25, 2016
  4. Carnivorous Moogle

    Carnivorous Moogle whose baby is this

    i want coffee so much. holy fucking shit i want coffee. or something hot to drink. but i don't have hot drink setup at home, and won't until i can buy salt to clean out my teakettle with+probably milk and sugar for the tea, although i can go without that i guess. coffee costs about 5 dollars a cup from the store, so if i get three cups per week i'll have spent $60 per month on coffee that i should be saving to move out, which is unacceptable; two cups a week is $40, which is still not good; one cup a week is $20, which is a bit more okay but i don't think i can do just one cup of coffee per week and i still don't know if i'm going to have enough money to pay rent without digging into my savings account, and won't until thursday, and then i have to make it a week on whatever i have left until next thursday when i can get another paycheck and balance my shit out of desperation mode

    ...fuck it. fuck it it's 5 dollars it's not gonna make a big difference either way because i'll have enough overall even if i have to dip into savings. i can spare that and a cup tomorrow if i don't buy anything else

    Edit #1: bought the coffee. brought two water bottles and ate half a large sammich before i came to work, have a short shift, will hopefully make it through to tonight without crashing. no more buying stuff today allowed.

    Edit #2: bought three things of candy because they were on buy-3 value and i need sugar to keep a grip on my sanity. i am going to regret this. uggghhh

    also, relevant copypaste from the afterdark skype chat:

     
    Last edited: Jul 26, 2016
  5. Carnivorous Moogle

    Carnivorous Moogle whose baby is this

    [screams throat bloody into a pillow because i'm pathetic and can't handle three consecutive goddamn days of active financial stress by myself without buckling in like an empty milk carton]
     
  6. Carnivorous Moogle

    Carnivorous Moogle whose baby is this

    been a few days, but update:

    ) had a good talk with moirail, realized my attempting Relentless Eternal Optimism is actually exhausting and impossible to keep up 100% of the time, have done pretty much jack diddly except sleep and watch markiplier and play imaginary friend puppets between shifts and not worry about how i Should Be Challenging Myself and Making Things At All Times and i feel better than i have in quite awhile

    ) it will be close and i will eat a bit lean until thursday, but everything should work out fine financially at the beginning of this month, so whoo!

    ) figured out what i think will be a good budgeting plan, going to implement it with my next paycheck

    ) i am a whole lot less stressed the fuck out now hallelujah

    ) my period is usually pretty irregular but it's approaching a week later than clue says it should be and i am starting to worry

    ) multiple people have told me now that i have lost a lot of weight recently and they're worried about me, haven't noticed such and am about my normal weight i think??? but am starting to worry about it myself because that was my normal weight before i had any muscle. oh dear

    ) my roommates are officially confirmed animal-neglecting shitwads and i think one of the new ones has been fucking with my food

    ) i need to step up my hygiene game, ugh

    ) i need to get my covers to a laundromat or something next week, our washer does not do them justice and they're pretty fuckin rank. ugh

    Edit #1: in general i just suddenly feel a ridiculous amount better?????? i just got progressively worse and worse for awhile there and then something just snapped and exploded out of me and now i feel. rested, somehow? it feels like i've been waiting for a bomb to drop for awhile now, and it finally is out of the way and i don't have to give a shit about it anymore. maybe this money stuff was stressing me out more than i realized? except i've been feeling like i'm trying to swallow something Too Big and frantically chew it down into smaller chunks since... may, i think? and now i just... feel... better.

    huh.

    Edit #2: another common factor in Feeling Psychologically Rested After Rocky Mood Times is markiplier binges. may god bless this ridiculous man

    Edit #3: also i'm playing flight rising again without Intense Shame for having such a long haul ahead to get all my dragons fed properly again. what is this sorcery
     
    Last edited: Jul 29, 2016
  7. Carnivorous Moogle

    Carnivorous Moogle whose baby is this

    mood has been exceedingly rocky, partly because hangry. just have to make it through tomorrow's 9-hour shift, and then until thursday, and i'll be okay. have 5 bucks left, gonna spend it on bread for sandwiches this week when the current loaf runs out.

    still playing flight rising a little, which is encouraging.

    ...shit, i need to buy water too, the tap here is awful. shit
     
  8. Carnivorous Moogle

    Carnivorous Moogle whose baby is this

    i can't tell if this would be a whole lot more or a whole lot less funny if it didn't describe the end of every avoidance spiral with perfect, painful accuracy.

    ow.
     
  9. Carnivorous Moogle

    Carnivorous Moogle whose baby is this

    from a 'brains as cars' discussion in afterdark:

    this feels like a good description of the image i have of myself tbh
     
    • Like x 1
  10. Carnivorous Moogle

    Carnivorous Moogle whose baby is this

    as silly as this is, hoo boy, hi there silent hill effect, nice to see you summarized so well.
     
  11. Carnivorous Moogle

    Carnivorous Moogle whose baby is this

    i don't know what i'm feeling right now other than 'intense and terrified love in all directions like a firehose at everyone in proximity' and i want to hug a bunch of people really hard and very much
     
  12. Carnivorous Moogle

    Carnivorous Moogle whose baby is this

     
  13. prismaticvoid

    prismaticvoid Too Too Abstract

    You are not a failure. You are a good person in a hard situation. *hug*
     
    • Like x 1
  14. Carnivorous Moogle

    Carnivorous Moogle whose baby is this

    thank you, dude, that means a lot. -hugs-
     
  15. Carnivorous Moogle

    Carnivorous Moogle whose baby is this

    this is stupid you're being stupid april stop it stop utterly fucking panicking when you talk about something you love and everyone immediately stops talking to you at the same time it doesn't matter just make a thread if you care about it so much why doesn't the thought of being homeless or DYING make you this fucking anxious fuck you no one wants to hear it no one cares and you'll just make people feel guilty if you slip up and say something why can't you just enjoy things by yourself
     
  16. Carnivorous Moogle

    Carnivorous Moogle whose baby is this

    tonight: a good night :'D
     
    • Like x 1
  17. Carnivorous Moogle

    Carnivorous Moogle whose baby is this

     
  18. Carnivorous Moogle

    Carnivorous Moogle whose baby is this

    a thing i realized! saving for posterity
     
  19. Carnivorous Moogle

    Carnivorous Moogle whose baby is this

    i keep waking up exhausted to the point of delirium lately and i feel like a puddle of water that's only a couple inches deep when you put your hand in it, just enough to look deeper than it is in some lights.

    i'm really hoping it's just that i've been stressed about finding a place to live and also sleeping somewhere that i'm not used to, and not that i just have extremely limited feelings regen in general, because i would really like to stop being hit by a Sudden Tidal Wave of Emptiness at random while trying to pursue things i enjoy and people i care about and have fun being around, because i abruptly ran out of feelings.

    kind of suspecting i just have limited feelings regen, though. it's been going on for a pretty long time. it feels... i dunno, stupid? calling it depression when usually i can just avoid it altogether by constantly abandoning things and bailing on people, but. it's not been a very good way to live. being able to dodge is nice, but not having to dodge 24/7 would be pretty swell too
     
    Last edited: Oct 13, 2016
  20. Carnivorous Moogle

    Carnivorous Moogle whose baby is this

    also i keep waking up at like 4am-6am choking on my own spit these last few weeks for some reason, so i mean that might be a factor. my face just hurts from tired and i keep getting random tinnitus and i would like it to stop XC
     
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