April's Brain Journal

Discussion in 'Brainbent' started by Carnivorous Moogle, Jul 22, 2016.

  1. Carnivorous Moogle

    Carnivorous Moogle whose baby is this

    urblegurbggfl i was gonna get stuff done today but my head feels like a soggy dissolving trash bag because i accidentally sat in dim light too long and then turned on a single yellow light. headaches y u such a fuck
     
  2. Carnivorous Moogle

    Carnivorous Moogle whose baby is this

    another ongoing thing that seems like a good thing to make a note of: when i accidentally fall asleep mid-conversation with someone i normally say good night to and then wake up in the middle of the night, i instinctively get at least a little panicky. sometimes a lot. potential-mild-sperg thing bc broken ritual? leftover anxiety from years of isolation+unreliable internet+parents randomly switching off the internet for no reason? :mystery:
     
  3. Carnivorous Moogle

    Carnivorous Moogle whose baby is this

     
  4. Carnivorous Moogle

    Carnivorous Moogle whose baby is this

    me: boy i would like to write!

    my brain: [10 hours of dial tone]

    me: boy i have somehow managed to not sleep more than four hours without randomly waking up in a row for about. a month straight. lately i'm falling asleep so fast and early i can't even tell my friends good night properly instead of nudging myself to bed hours after they're all asleep. naps are sounding appealing even though i fucking hate naps.

    me: ...i should probably take a nap

    my brain, staggering out of bed and hoisting its overalls up, with crazed and bloodshot eyes: what if we, wrote some fanfiction, instead,
     
  5. Carnivorous Moogle

    Carnivorous Moogle whose baby is this

    Boy I Love Coworkers Constantly Making Ableist Jokes and Casually Dropping the R-Slur in the Lunchroom, It's Just What I Want to Hear
     
  6. Carnivorous Moogle

    Carnivorous Moogle whose baby is this

    gonna keep track of my usertitles here so i can change them without my soul shrieking eternally. and also because i'm tired of losing shit.

    63 Rose Apparition Hungers for Flesh
     
  7. Carnivorous Moogle

    Carnivorous Moogle whose baby is this

    i miss writing so much. i want to write again but it feels like every time i try to find a new angle to approach it from it just withers up again sooner or later.

    something's just. missing. sometimes i'll get sparks, but mostly writing just feels like bumping cardboard cutouts together. there's plenty of other things to do and enjoy in my life right now, stressed or not; but i miss writing so, so much, and it hurts to see what a shallow, dead, ugly parody of itself my internal world has turned into when i try to dig into it again.

    even if i'm terrible at it, i just want to write again without feeling like i'm trying to spit a bucket full with a dry mouth.
     
  8. Carnivorous Moogle

    Carnivorous Moogle whose baby is this

    okay, so, some things that i've noticed about myself recently and need to examine/lay out in more detail later:

    ) hoarding behaviors, food and otherwise

    ) extreme difficulty registering certain tasks as 'done,' extreme anxiety and avoidance wrt such

    ) tendency to Build Cases/assume the worst of people's intentions when a Bad is happening for me or a friend/loved one and i can't be sure their intentions are good, and experience intense anxiety because i assume everyone is doing the same of me (chicken or egg situation, tbh)

    ) extreme repulsion, anger, anxiety and nausea responses toward things that i'm exposed to when not hyperfocusing on them at the moment? almost a STOP TAKING MY ATTENTION OFF OF FAVORITE THING response? ????? doesn't seem to happen as much when dissociated flavor of depressed instead of raw-nerve depressed

    ) starting to suspect that i hyperfocus and lose interest in different games/game mechanics, actual or metaphorical, based on brain diet needs; start paying attention to these and figure out what they are?
     
    Last edited: Dec 30, 2016
  9. Carnivorous Moogle

    Carnivorous Moogle whose baby is this

    also grouches bc i think i got myself addicted to coffee and nooooo i told myself i would avoid it

    ah well
     
  10. Carnivorous Moogle

    Carnivorous Moogle whose baby is this

    i've been awake since 5am and i should probably go back to sleep or study or clean or Something but i started thinking about ricky, cassidy, pericles, brad, and judy from sdmi as gems and it's so Good it makes me wanna cry

    a ricky and pericles fusion would make malachite look like an absolute paragon of love, virtue, and mental health, wouldn't it. jesus. they're horrifying and i love them so much
     
  11. Carnivorous Moogle

    Carnivorous Moogle whose baby is this

    wait dammit this is the wrong thread. i can't read suddenly i have too many brain threads
     
  12. Carnivorous Moogle

    Carnivorous Moogle whose baby is this

    exhausted and anxious again before work this morning, but it feels different? anxiety just feels like something trying to push out of my chest, instead of making me sick or jittery, and tired feels like 'it would be very easy for me to sit down and close my eyes and shut off like a switch, and it would feel good to do so,' instead of 'vaguenausea and dizziness and eye strain and anhedonia and restlessness and absolutely no way in hell to go to sleep if i got the chance, DO THINGS'

    i need to go back and re-examine what factors were different last night from usual. unfortunately i gotta go down to work now, and i am still fuckin exhausted and pretty anxious, so wish me luck.
     
  13. Carnivorous Moogle

    Carnivorous Moogle whose baby is this

    starting to realize i maybe need to unpack some things about my feelings and experiences wrt fandoms before i can really write again.

    not looking forward to it, but somewhere to start, i guess. here's hoping it helps.
     
  14. Carnivorous Moogle

    Carnivorous Moogle whose baby is this

    brain phenomenon i've noticed recently: getting stuck gravitating between a Thing I Need to Do (and can't do because self-care is low/i need to do something else as a prerequisite), and Thing I Need to Do to Do the Thing I Need to Do (aforementioned self-care/preparatory tasks). one thing i just can't seem to do as-is, the other i can't seem to do because Thing #1 is the Next Order of Business and i can't make myself set it aside.

    this leads to getting stuck in a loop for a Long Time, puttering and not doing either one. i think maybe there's some anxiety there keeping me mushed up against Thing #1, because in practice i know Setting Things Aside is a death knell to looking at or thinking about them ever again?

    gonna try to take a quick nap, go get some food, and try to pay attention to what's happening in my mood/executive function if all my motivation is gone as usual when i get back.
     
  15. Carnivorous Moogle

    Carnivorous Moogle whose baby is this

    things i've realized i appear to have at times, very strongly: an intense fear of entering liminal spaces???? a fear of, like. getting stuck in there and losing time, and coming out to find the world different and the things i was relying on suddenly gone/missed/not available anymore?

    it's definitely not universal, because sometimes i slip into a liminal space/headspace and it feels honestly... spiritual, i guess, and moving enough to bring me to tears a little, but like. i think that only really happens when i've already got momentum going, and i know i have a headspace to go to once i'm ready to leave the liminal one, and not going to Stay Too Long?

    climbing into the shower and trying to go to sleep are both fucking nerve-wracking. playing music during showers helps a lot; sleeping i'm not sure what to do about, since i'm apparently shit at actually making myself shop for earbuds/search back through my tabs for the ones that were recced to me. (they're, like, hundreds of tabs, too, so it'd be no small feat.)

    ugggghhhhhhhhh
     
  16. Carnivorous Moogle

    Carnivorous Moogle whose baby is this

    me: i'm gonna start working on identifying my moods without immediately trying to Solve them and considering it a failure if i don't, because i think doing that has been contributing to general emotional flatness and burnout and shutting off Good moods too

    me: okay there's anger, got it, handled

    me, a few days later: i have literally no idea what this other mood is supposed to be or how to interpret it or accurately describe it in concise words
     
    Last edited: Jan 24, 2017
  17. Carnivorous Moogle

    Carnivorous Moogle whose baby is this

    Big Mood: something??????????

    i'm thirsty as fuck today maybe that has to do with it
     
  18. Carnivorous Moogle

    Carnivorous Moogle whose baby is this

    finally took advantage of a lucky glitch to find the tab for the earbuds i got recommended and place an order. brain is weird about buying things for myself--i think because on some level i know it's a slippery slope--but honestly i think it will be a very good investment just for making it easier to get to sleep alone, as well as for help with emotional regulation (which music often does).

    fingers crossed!
     
    • Like x 2
  19. Carnivorous Moogle

    Carnivorous Moogle whose baby is this

    my brain is doing the 'TEN MINUTES BEFORE A SHIFT, MAKE WORDS MAKE WORDS MAKE WORDS' thing again. i have zero idea what words it wants me to make, so here i am, i guess, saying a thing.

    mmmm nah that's not enough. okay, trollhunters is a show with Flaws but also why are so many of the trolls/changeling characters so hot. they are exactly the right balance of 'weird-looking' and 'appealing' and. my heart

    ANGOR ROT AND STRICKLANDER ESPECIALLY HAVE V CUTE EYES OKAY THEY'RE LIKE GOBLIN CAT EYES
     
    • Like x 1
  20. Carnivorous Moogle

    Carnivorous Moogle whose baby is this

    earbuds have arrived! not fully the same quality as my original pair, but also not Intensely Painful to wear and listen to; i'm gonna see how they fare with Listening to Things to Quiet Pinball-Braining. i might actually get some decent sleep tonight for once, holy shit :000
     
    • Like x 1
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