April's Brain Journal

HOLY SHIT

now i'm just picturing jazzy monsters inc. aesthetic trollhunters and i'm Blessed

 

Spoiler: spoiler for spoiler

Those are good thoughts, thank you for sharing. I think it comes down to...if one person wants to make there be Consequences by not engaging with a person, that's fair and right to do so for the sake of their mental health. I worry though, because after talking to wiwaxia I have no idea what they would consider Enough before someone was allowed to participate in things again without being shunned - they said years of good behavior, which IRL absolutely, when you're sharing physical space with someone who has caused hurt, being personally wary of them is right and reasonable. But on a forum? I don't know how the heck someone is supposed to make amends if they aren't allowed to engage positively with things because people will tell them to Stop Trying To Act Normal, it strikes me as calling for performative self-flagellation until a Judge is satisfied.
I have never meant to imply anybody has to pretend Nothing Happened or treat someone who hurt them just like they did before doing the thing, and I'm really sorry if it came across that way. If you have the time/spoons and could point me at anything that gave you that impression, I will clarify.

 

Spoiler

thank you for the response, man, i appreciate it and i also appreciate the thoughts you and other people have posted about the thing even if i'm not good at spoons/words to engage well with them directly a lot.

i can't think of anything in particular that you've said to back that impression up; honestly 'seebs and co' i think mostly refers to seebs and jesse, because they've been the ones who've most consistently and notably said things that set off the kill bill sirens for me, it's just been about two months' worth of drama and i don't have a great memory, so i didn't want to discount other possible contributing people/factors.

(i think there's also, like... hm, i'm drawing a blank on the right words here, but i guess a lot of these thoughtposts are attempts to dissect where i'm coming from and what i'm seeing before i start actively trying to integrate/reconcile it to what other people are bringing into it, or what the best solution might be? i'm very much someone who has to ruminate on my thoughts and stitch them together into a cohesive whole before i can engage with them constructively, i guess.)

(the point of that wandered a bit, but basically, if it helps, rambleposts i make in my vent threads are usually me trying to figure out how i feel about a thing, not trying to start fights or make people answer me to my satisfaction. which isn't to say they're Never Things I Actually Believe, just things that i acknowledge aren't well-formed enough to feel constructive making an issue of in more public spaces.)

(which, your input is totally welcome if you want to give it! and i might take you up on clarifications about things later on if you're still up to it then; just, like, a heads up that you don't have to answer to me for something i express being upset about or bothered by in this space, because chances are it's not thought through all the way. if that makes sense, blblblblbl, i am not good words today)

 

Spoiler

those are also good words! I understand, and was attempting to offer a useful perspective to help with thoughts c:

 

Spoiler

thank! and ye! C: it is very much appreciated; it's really difficult for me to approach concerns/disagreements/etc in good faith unless i can start from the furthest reaches of 'OHHHH MY FUCKIN GOD' i feel about the subject and sort out emotions from morals from knee-jerk impressions to reactions i didn't realize i was having (and so on) from there, so i worry about alienating people by being/coming across as Fighty, or as if i'm stating Who I Have It Out For Now or something, when generally it's like oh no i'm sorry i don't hate y'all i just have feels to articulate :C

(the closest comparison i can think of is how, like, i might be annoyed or upset by the dynamics of a headcanon trend in fandom, but i also don't hate or think badly of specific people who have the headcanon.)

Spoiler: semi-humorous pettiness about unrelated fandom stuff

(with the exception of that one person upthread with the Cursed Image generic moody white boy!angor rot, and that had more to do with them being a rude pushy asshole to rowan about drawing their oc with him, and providing me with an extra layer of private pettiness over the headcanon, than anything else :P

 

Spoiler: to-do:

- buy another frozen pizza because that shit was Good and it's two meals' worth+easy to make and i want more today

- buy toothpaste

- eat a sandwich before or after i go shopping??? i should eat something and i wanna take a shower, and eating before i go would give me the spoons to do so... but also i need to wash towels and i want Coffee, hm

- put on laundry, eat sandwich now so i can drink a glass of water before i go, shower when i get back since by then the hot water should be refilled?

- yeah that seems like a good plan

- also i should get toothpaste while i'm at it i'm almost out

- make another to-do list to break down what i need to sort out the therapy thing

- reserve wednesdays off from work via the site

- make a breakdown list for washing some dishes

- take out the trash bc it's starting to smell funky and probably the recycling too

 

Spoiler: to-do, updated:

- pizza and toothpaste bought, coffee acquired, going to take some leftover pizza to work for lunch tomorrow probably hell yeah

- ate sandwich and drank water (out of a bowl) before i left, put on a load of clothes+towels that are in the dryer currently

- sandwich abruptly started tasting Really Watery and Bad halfway through, unsure of cause but note to self to make sure that's not the only meal i keep around the house

- request for wednesdays cleared put into work schedule! i've been meaning to do that for months and Finally it is did

- still need to shower

- should probably drink more water

- still need to take out the trash

- still need to wash some dishes

- need to cook the pizza later this evening

- need to put away clothes

- need to make breakdown list for therapy stuff

 

Spoiler: budget pros and cons game

also, trying to decide whether to go ahead and watch an LP of night in the woods for now or wait until i save up to play it for the first time myself. the downside of the latter is i dunno if it'll run on my laptop and i don't have a solid plan developed to budget on a day-to-day basis for things i want, and it might take awhile to both work out and use. MMMMMMMMM

like, i say 'save up,' i could probably just go ahead and buy it and be fine, but also like. i'm real bad at saving and budgeting properly and i need to practice. nnnnyyyyyyhhhh

edit: went ahead and started watching it because Look, Man, I've Waited Long Enough,

 

huh. either it's actually less cold out tonight than it was earlier, or i'm just better at regulating my body temperature after having two consecutive meals within a few hours of each other :Ic

 

could be a combo of both. i know it's easier to stay warm when i am well fooded

 

indeed! also the weather here is just funky, so there's that too.

 

me: i wanna, like, Put Effort Into Writing a Draft

my brain, headache, and executive dysfunction: lolnah

me: >:C

 

brain: vendel is the same kind of troll as angor rot

me: ??????? what relevance does this have to anything

brain: search for evidence

me: i'm at work for two more hours

brain: s e a r c h

 

the only evidence i've got so far is ) they have sooooorta similar Types of Weird Head Shape/coloration/body type, iirc? and ) vendel's eyes are covered with cataracts so we don't know if they used to be the same kind as angor's

look man i just want SOME excuse for more backstory for angor rot at some point dammit guillermo pls

 

nahhh vendel has a mane and ears, i doubt it

dammit tho that would've been interesting. WHAT KIND OF FUCKING TROLL IS ANGOR AND WHY DON'T WE SEE ANY OTHERS LIKE HIM

OTHER THAN BECAUSE THEY PROBABLY ALL DIED IN THE WAR I MEAN

 

Inexplicable, Sudden, Overwhelming Anxiety. ??????????????

i think part of it might have to do with having woken up late today and feeling like the Day is Too Short? i'm gonna try doing the emotional exercise thing i do sometimes and see if it helps

 

WELL SHIT NO WONDER I FEEL SO MUCH LESS TERRIBLE ON WORK DAYS AND THAT TEA HASN'T BEEN CUTTING IT, GOOD LORD

i need to get coffee i can make at home but Blehhhhhhhh most of the instant coffee mixes i've tried so far are Awful

gonna try em anyway though because that shit's ridiculous

 

i thought about this bc i was like 'alright torso-squeezing lump of Bad, what's got you riled up' and i was immediately hit by a wave of Sleepy so strong i literally keeled over sideways on the couch and dozed for like five minutes, despite having slept until after 2pm this afternoon

this shit is Effective innit

 

jeez. very sleepy then!

 

ye! it's been a real weird, liminal kind of day so far and i am sleepy as Fuck, apparently. huh.

anxiety somewhat helped by getting up, going in my own room, and turning on the overhead light? hmmm.