Vent Back to your regularly scheduled wine&cheese tasting

Is blocking The Wicked Witch of the West on skype an option? Bc I think at this point it's probably the easiest way to make you not yo scared to use a perfectly innocuous application.
-hugs a bunch-

 

-hugs back-
i've gotta be careful -- it's our main mode of communication at the moment, and most of my contacts by now are via discord, whatsapp, and telegram. i have deliberately lied to her about knowing other messaging applications. if i do it, i want to do it in one fell swoop with an nc letter and prewarning the parts of my family i actually care about (meaning my father will not know because i can't trust him to keep that from her), to curb a good amount of flying monkeys. everyone who after that thinks they can harass me for my egg donor will get cut the fuck off. might fully deactivate my skype.
and unplug my phone for a week at least, lol

but if i block her on anything she will explode, and i need to batten down the hatches before that.

 

Ah fair fair.
But yeah that sounds like a good plan. Sucks she's this much of a pain to deal with.
-prepares the water guns-

 

I am sorely tempted to add a printout of every conversation i managed to screenshot, and have a couple of people dissect it, in the nc letter to her. she has a nice xanatos gambit dismissal/victim routine -- if no one supports me, she can dismiss my feelings as "misunderstandings", and if i have people backing me up she is "ganged up upon" and "people are telling me things".

i might need to contact my therapist again. see if she's got an open spot for me in the near future. (she finished her training and has her own office now)

 

Much witnessed, and good luck on thertheapist.

 

ahah yeah no my father is a flying monkey i will keep at arm's length.
information diet time.
contact restricted to sunday 3pm to 11pm aka when ivy is there to give me backup.

 

translated transcript, because unlike egg donor, sperm donor does not spam completely disjunct paragraphs at me to beat me into submission, and so I can actually read the conversation without devolving into a sobbing mess.

Me: yo, can I call you without mom listening in?

Sd: nope, she's sitting next to me, but typing works

Me: would like to have a spoken conversation

Sd: i'll tell you once it's possible

Me: kk

Sd: she'll probably lie down for a bit, then i'll tell you

Me: well you got my number, you can call once she's out of earshot
Me: kk

Sd: of course


((guess what did not happen in the next 6 hours))


Me: i currently only check skype sunday from 3 to 11 at night, because the last time i talked to mom she tore me down so bad that i wasn't functional the next day again, and when i only saw that there was a message i had a panic attack
Me: and i wont do that anymore

Sd: i'm sorry, because she didn't intend that

Me: she never intends anything
Me: and it's a cheap excuse that i won't accept anymore
Me: she acts like a bull in a china shop and refuses to change anything
Me: and the constant stress if she flips her lid the next moment

Sd: i sadly have to concur

Me: especially if you dare address that with her is just too much for me
Me: if i never talk to her again it'll be too soon
Me: that's why i won't come visit you again
Me: i go mad in her presence, because she's allowed to flail about whenever she pleases, but i'm not allowed to defend myself
Me: it's not only not helpful for my mental health to be in her presence, but actively harmful
Me: and my psych, my therapist, and my support network keep asking themself why i keep contact with her anyway

Sd: neither your psych, nor your therapist, nor your support network know her from anywhere but your record

Me: tbh but
Me: it's enough

Sd: without knowing both of you it's impossible to help BOTH of you

Me: the problem is that she refuses help
Me: you can only help those who are willing
Me: and i refuse to jeopardize my healing process just because maybe she could deign to get help
Me: but it doesn't make sense for her to get help -- anything she wants she gets if she just has a loud enough, long enough, manipulative enough, and aggressive enough temper tantrum, and no one dares to say no, to keep the peace
Me: and i say no
Me: and she can just fucking deal
Me: http://outofthefog.website
Me: https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat
Me: and on the topic of "they only know her by my record" -- they see the damage she did, and i showed them the logs

Sd: it's sad that so much love turned into hatred

Me: the consensus (separately made by different people!!) is, that she's completely without cohesion, and just throws everything that might help to "get me back under controll", completely without rhyme nor reason
Me: hatred?
Me: bitch please
Me: and love?
Me: the only thing that was there was fear
Me: and what's now is someone who won't accept is
Me: i would very much like to have a cordial relationship with you

Sd: youre still my offspring, i'll always be there

Me: but i expect from you, that you treat me as a full person and that you won't rugsweep all the bullshit your wife pulls
Me: i am fully aware that i can only trust you about as far as i can throw you

Sd: whenever did i not treat you like a full person?

Me: but you don't have to make it worse
Me: every time
Me: every fucking time
Me: you protect your wife
Me: when she hurts me
Me: because she doesnt care that her behaviour is completely unacceptable
Me: and every time i told you something in confidence and you told her
Me: every time you hit me just because i [answered back/objected/disagreed]
Me: because i dared defend myself
Me: and every time she let one of her temper tantrums out on me and you abandoned me
Me: every time i made a decision she disliked, and i didn't get any support and she steamrolled me and screamed and tore me down until i changed my decision just so it stops

Sd: aaaa

Me: every time i said something that didnt paint her as saint and you attacked me for it

Sd: you DID make wrong decisions

Me: french versus latin
Me: clothing
Me: if i wanted to go on vacation with my damned narc of a grandmother
Me: but even if they were wrong choices
Me: it does not justify what she did
Me: by no means.

Sd: that's the flipside

Me: but it's apparently worth noting that you talk about that to refute my examples. i will remember this.
Me: and it damages children to not let them make mistakes
Me: but her neuroses wee more important than my development

Sd: do you not accept (constructive) criticism?

Me: and if you dont show spine for me, i will show spine for myself
Me: yes, every day
Me: by people who phrase it as constructive criticism
Me: what your wife does is not constructive criticism
Me: what your wife does is napalm
Me: because i dare not equal her absurd, detached from reality and in large parts never spoken picture of me

Sd: certain developments in you were (sadly) never expected nor recognizable

Me: i sometimes ask myself what my teachers thought and why they didnt do anything
Me: but that i got add was in the cards since i was 16
Me: was there a "why do you think that?" ? no. it was a "no, you dont."
Me: well, now i'm officially diagnosed.
Me: and your wife generally has blinders on regarding anything that does not fit her world view

Sd: aye

Me: she just refused to accept it
Me: everything was alright!
Me: ha
Me: ha
Me: ha
Me: im laughing
Me: and iirc didn't the kindergarten people notice something?
Me: but they handled it wrong
Me: but at the point when im exploring my identity and the only reaction i get is rejection
Me: and the point when there's an emotional ticking time bomb that could blow up at any moment....
Me: you can see something
Me: if youre not so deep that your normal meter is completely miscalibrated
Me: i had classmates over once, we made sushi
Me: and they fled early because the atmosphere was that toxic
Me: you only notice it when youre out
Me: its easier to breathe then, too

Sd: there was a good reason to enable you to study in berlin, it wouldn't have gotten better here

Me: im not sure i would still be alive

Sd: and you think i got out of 30 years with her without damage?

Me: no.
Me: but there's a difference between us
Me: i left
Me: im free
Me: and i give you resources you can work with
Me: you gave up
Me: and you protect her

Sd: gave up? then you wouldve grown up without a father

Me: white knight syndrome? complacency?
Me: pffft
Me: theres many ways of giving up
Me: you couldve left
Me: you can still leave.

Sd: you dont know everything either

Me: what keeps you there?
Me: no
Me: but shes obviously important enough to you
Me: whatever you get out of it
Me: and it really sounds like codependency
Me: it is so important that you accept the damage
Me: i will respect that
Me: but i demand from you in return, that you respect that i weighed the damage of her presence and potential gain, and decided against it

Sd: youre adult and make your own decisions

Me: exactly.

Sd: i might not like them, but i have to respect them

Me: thank you ::)

Sd: and: how often did i hit you?

Me: many times
Me: too many slaps that i could still count them
Me: once you slapped me so hard that i bled
Me: she had a fit because she didnt find something and accused me of stealing and selling it
Me: and i defended myself, because i did not do that
Me: and instead of defending me?

Sd: as far as i remember that was the only time i hit you, because i dont slap people, especially not children

Me: bamm! straight to the face
Me: ahahahahhaha
Me: i remember that differently
Me: my complete childhood and adolescence i was afraid to [answer back/object/disagree] because i couldve been hit. something like that doesnt happen by chance. something like that doesnt happen from isolated cases.

Sd: the way you tell it right now its like you got slapped at every occassion, and that's not right

Me: but the fear was always there
Me: because i never, never could be sure what causes it
Me: because it had neither rhyme nor reason
Me: very efficient i have to say

Sd: THAT is something different, and THAT i honestly regret

Me: maximum fear and obedience for minimum effort
Me: i still have blocked much of my memory
Me: and that tells me something as well
Me: so?
Me: that doesnt make it any better
Me: not at all

Sd: no, sadly not

---
bullshit meter: high, please clear the cesspit and get that shit onto the fields?

 

jesus fuck. *all the hugs*

 

-also offers hugs-

 

goddamn -hugs-

 

-accepts hugs, hugs back-

from your reactions my normal meter is still so miscalibrated that im not picking up on stuff?
blrgh.

 

Being neurodivergent of the flavour of not picking up hints, social cues, and other subtext, is kind of like missing your sense of heat.

Imagine you have two balls in front of you, about fist-sized. They look identical. You have to pick them up at a reasonable speed and put them somewhere else.
But sometimes touching the balls burns your hand, and everyone else just goes "everyone feels heat, stop making excuses for your carelessness" but theyre offended if you treat all balls like theyre hot.

that being said i might to gently roast my aunt tomorrow because instead of telling me she cant come pick me up, she made grandmother call with excuses. gfdi woman.

 

eta: the "she" in this post is egg donor, not aunt.

oh, and the rugsweeping has begun. apparently my fear is only anxiety that she has the perfect medication for! i should talk to my therapist and my gd and my psych about getting on it! have i talked to all of my doctors about that medicine yet?

like who are you kidding here you fucking cunt when the root is trauma and easily dealt with with a spine and not having you in my life? and who is it who wants to put whom under medication so theyre docile, hm?

shes rewriting reality, guys, and i am so glad i started screenshotting all the bullshit.

 

same hat tho.

My life would I think have been really different if I could have screenshot conversations with my...eh, she isn't even an egg donor, I'm adopted.

 

ADVICE NEEDED

• Reality check needed
• no contact/low contact/structured contact letter advice needed

So, there's an extinction burst coming up.
I'm currently visiting my paternal grandmother. Train home goes tonight. Spermdonor (henceforth sd) came by this morning and gave me a rundown of Eggdonor (henceforth ed). And my mood is soured. I want to cry and my moirail and it isn't even noon yet.

• Ed wants to go to therapy! Great, right? Only that she wants to go to my therapist. Because the important thing is how to fix our relationship, and "I have vetted her already", which just smells of someone scheming and forgetting fucking patient confidentiality. Sd says it's to "help us both".
• Ed is so panicked because I ghosted her ass a few weeks ago that she's trying to force Sd to drive her to Berlin so she can check that I'm still alive. Apparently she's not sleeping anymore, and I have a pleading message on my answering machine. (And apparently now my moirail did something to me. Independent grown fucking adult who?)
• If I write her an NC letter, she'll literally die. Might be more convincing if she didn't make a habit out of threatening suicide if things didn't go her way for as long as I can remember.

I know, I know, fear-obligation-guilt, support-in-dump-out, and the oxygen mask analogy, but I'm dealing with someone who is severely mentally ill, and, as per Sd, wants to get help. And I cannot in good conscience be a part of thid s forum and turn my back. Sd plans to have my shrink tell her to get a shrink closer to where they live. Dunno if that's gonna work because Ed is stubborn as shit and if she's got an idea she'll force it come hell or high water.

I am willing to be polite while telling her to back the fuck off. But I need to get her to back the fuck off.
Sd suggested I send her a thing every week or so to placate her and show her I'm still alive.

I'm not feeling it. I want her out of my life until I get an apology and proven changed conduct at the very fucking least and not have to weather the psychological stress contact with her puts on me.

So yeah. Reality check please. And phrasings that are firm but kind and not full of justify-argue-defend-explain because she'll just deny-attack-reverse-victim-and-offender the shit out of me.
(Also I found the leak, apparently she's been reading Sd's skype messages. In which I elaborated on why I'm not keen on interacting with her, but no, that can't be it.)

 

Reality check: Going NC is still a good idea. For advice, Id suggest recruiting your shrink who is much better equipped to handle her mental health anyway. Explain whats going on, let them both help her get help and shield you. Because she deserves help, but she doesnt deserve it from you specifically.

 

Sorry I couldn't help u but work did as work does and I only got home 2 hours ago
Are you okayer now?

Also hard agree with Cody. She deserves to get help, but not at the expense of your mental health. And especially not getting a shrink in Berlin how the fuck does she plan to do that?

 

Totally agree with Cody and Ivy 100%. Especially: TELL YOUR SHRINK what's going on and make sure they know you're not down with the plan she has got.

 

I know in my country, you shouldn't take two members of a family for ethical reasons. I don't know if it's the same in Berlin, but she might be able to decline your ED cause of that.