BE CALM

Discussion in 'Brainbent' started by Inksalt, Jan 27, 2016.

  1. Inksalt

    Inksalt the prettiest yautja


    Beware the word wall.

    At the beginning of this year, I moved into an Independent Living Program. It's a program run through public mental health systems, which I was introduced to after a hospital stay last year, and finally there was a vacancy for me to move into.

    How it works is they have a house, with five units in it (each with a bedroom, living room, private bathroom and kitchenette) and a communal kitchen, yard and common room. Throughout the week there are Occupational Therapists and assistants who come into the house (they have an office) and do programs with the residents- teaching you how to cook, clean, catch buses, budget, and basically anything else you need help with and want to request assistance with. Your private space is respected, and people will always ask if they're allowed to come in, and they will only enter residents' rooms when either invited or if there is concern for someone's safety. There's weekly room inspections, but they can be just as simple as glancing inside while they talk to you at the door, to make sure you haven't got trash piling up in the sink or whatever, and if there is something that needs cleaning up then you can ask them to come help you with it. A resident's stay in the program can vary from six months to a year, and you're given assistance with saving money for moving-out costs, and you aren't shown the door until you've found a new place to move into that you can afford and are comfortable moving into.

    I moved in on my birthday, the 11th of January, right after all the furor of Christmas and New Years', but that wasn't too bad, because I tend to actively avoid any celebration over my birthday, due to anxieties over the genuineness of people's wellwishes, and I have in fact deleted my birthday off most social media. I received no Facebook birthday wishes, but my close friends still remembered to organise something, so I suppose that has worked as I intended.

    I am horrifically terrified that no-one thinks I should be in the program. I say that even as I have anxiety attacks over being late for appointments within the same house I live in, over there being a single unwashed dish in the sink when someone stops by to help me with moving heavy boxes about, over anyone seeing my bedroom and the slowly mounting pile of laundry because no-one has given me explicit permission to use the laundry on a certain day (there is a schedule marked on the door, and my name has not been added to it). So technically I do understand that they wouldn't have let me in if they didn't believe I needed to be here, but I still find myself freaking out.

    Two days ago, it was Australia Day, and I did spend time with my meatspace friends. We watched fireworks, I horrified everyone during a round of Cards Against Humanity, we went searching at a 24 hour store for Uno and I bought a strawberry plush pillow because it is pale pink and green with golden seeds and that is very much an aesthetic I appreciate. That night, galvanized by successful interaction and socialisation, I made plans for improving my physical activity, started making motions towards the roleplay forums here on Kintsugi in search of both one-on-one roleplay and multiwriter settings, because I am a hypercontrolled RP snob who struggles to comfortably roleplay outside of the small group of friends I have grown to trust over the last 3 years and I am aware I need to stretch outside of my comfort zones.

    I did not sleep at all that night. I did attempt to, but I was too restless and my head was too filled with worries as to whether or not I would be accepted in the gemsona RP with my hyperindulgent Diamond gemsona (devised in an attempt, back when the gemsona generator first was released, to assure myself that yes, I am allowed nice and indulgent characters, and a 'special snowflake' character is not going to discredit me as a roleplayer forever if I do make one). So I got back up and went out to McDonalds to use their wifi, because I was running out of phone data.

    (Phone data has been an ongoing concern for me. Even when I try to limit my activities, I go through about 300-500 MB per day and, especially when I am attempting to seek acceptance and understanding on a new forum, it causes me great anxiety when I try to turn the mobile data on my phone off, as that then cuts me off from the great majority of my distraction and entertainment options, as well as interactions with friends both online and in meatspace. Attempts to get broadband internet installed in my new unit have been hampered by unknown errors, and the earliest that a technician can come out to have a look at things is a week into February. I have literally run through the last of my money for additional phone data add-ons, and now find myself isolated from the online world unless I go to McDonalds (purchasing a $1 drink so I do not feel so guilty about using their wifi) or to a public library for the use of their free public wifi.)

    (Additionally, I cannot temporarily move back to my parents' place to use their internet for the next fortnight because of the need to remain present at ILP for my weekly sessions and lessons, and also because my father is myopically focused on his new business enterprise and will try to enlist my assistance in proofreading his website, and possibly raise again the possibility of my animating expositional videos for the website. This is despite the fact that I am an illustrator and not an animator, but then he seems to think, despite what I have told him repeatedly, that it won't be too hard for me to learn. I am willing to help him with the business, but right now is Not A Good Time so the easiest thing right now is to hide behind my lack of internet at my accommodation to delay the inevitable, in hopes I will be in better spirits when I do have home wifi.)

    Backtracking somewhat, after I went to McDonalds yesterday morning, I attempted to call the internet provider I have been negotiating with to see if there is a possibility of another, earlier appointment, to no avail. The lady who spoke with me on the line was very good at dealing with my tearful incoherence, and even took some time to help look up some mobile broadband options that weren't offered by her company, but unfortunately that was not much assistance as it would cost even more to purchase one of those than it would cost to keep buying phone data add-ons. I appreciated the effort, but by the time I returned to my place (as I was struggling to suppress further tears in public, and my computer had run out of battery) I was moving into a full-blown panic attack. As there was a house meeting and a budgetting session later that day, I left a note on my door summarising the difficulties of the morning, explained that I was having a panic attack, locked all my doors and drew all the blinds and went to sleep. That was all done by 10:30 am and I awoke at 8 pm, showered and moved back outside (noting that my note had been taken down, presumably by an OT) to return to McDonalds and try to finish reading through the Escape From Homeworld IC thread. I slept again by about 1 am, despite having only been up for 5 hours (I will likely explain my issues with sleep and oversleeping in a later post).

    As a result of my noping out of most of Wednesday, I had to explain myself and the order of events to an OT this morning, about 2 minutes after I woke up, as I forced myself to immediately dress and stumble down to their office. I'm not entirely comfortable with the OT who was there, as I find myself behaving more formally around her than her coworkers, which only added to my stress and shame. We discussed my lack of money and what I planned to do for the rest of the week, and then I left the house once more (after tidying up to ensure they weren't further concerned for my wellbeing by the pile of trash that had somehow managed to accumulate over the last two days).

    Now I'm at McDonalds and I just feel depressed and broken and like I've betrayed the contract that I signed when I entered ILP by not attending the house meeting and locking everyone out, even though it's because of isolationist and overstimulation issues such as this that I need to be in a program like this. I'm defaulting to formality and words of text in order to hold myself together when I really just want to scream and cry, but that would make things unpleasant for the others around me, and it would likely lead to me being asked to leave McDonalds, and possibly to not return. I'm unsure how they would react to depressive breakdowns, and I'm not keen on finding out today.

    Anyway if I can stay visibly calm long enough then the emotions will numb a bit and make it easy to distract myself with other matters.
     
  2. budgie

    budgie not actually a bird

    I have no advice or anything, but witnessed. It's a shit-ton of feels to deal with at once.
     
    • Like x 2
  3. wixbloom

    wixbloom artcute

    Hi, I don't have advice but what I can say is that you're not doing anything wrong. You're showing consideration for others and even the ability to modulate your emotional responses in a way that's consistent with their presence, and you had a panic attack over a stressful phone call, recognized you needed a time-out and did the responsible thing which is explain that (via note) and stay away to recover. You're alright. It might not feel like that right now but you're doing everything right and you'll be OK.
     
    • Like x 3
  4. Emma

    Emma Your resident resident

    When I have more coherent thoughts about this because I have actually eaten I will respond to this with more decent advice.
    For now: you have done nothing at all wrong :)
     
    • Like x 2
  5. Inksalt

    Inksalt the prettiest yautja

    thank you all. the reassurance and witnessing does help a lot.

    Last night I couldn't sleep again and the lack of internet was really eating at me so I walked out to McDonalds at 1 am to sit in their carpark and use their wifi. Probably not the most sensible thing to do, I don't know the area very well (and more streetconscious friends of mine have asked me to make sure I'm careful when I'm out walking in the evening) but I was suffering bad from the lack of connection with anyone. Nothing bad happened, anyway. I put more data on my phone and returned home. That ate into the internet setup money- but then I am going to be calling the internet provider to argue that I am not paying them for a service which is nonfunctional until they fix it. By the time they get a technician out here to fix it, I'll have been paid again, so I can restore the internet setup money then. Unsure if I am going to be honest with the OTs about this plan, or if I am going to highlight the 'I need money for perishables this week' aspect of it (true, but not the main reason I dipped into the money).

    I am sick of sleeping. I'm hungry and I had an apple for breakfast but that is insufficient, but I don't have anything else which is ready to eat. There's a pot of pasta that has been off for a week, sitting in the fridge, which I can't bear to touch. I should ask for help with it but I just want to leave my room to go to the library, so I'm not worried about eating through my phone data.
     
  6. Inksalt

    Inksalt the prettiest yautja

    I folded and went out to my parents' place. I just need a couple of days of decent internet and netflix and cuddling their dog and then i can steel myself for another week of library and mcdonalds wifi.
     
  7. Emma

    Emma Your resident resident

    So, here I am with more coherent thoughts.

    I have been in a sort of programme like you're in. Mine was all autistic students living together acquiring life skills and getting support with our studies.
    Some of my housemates had panic attack/meltdowns like that where they locked themselves in their rooms, and we were always understanding, even if it was time for the weekly meeting.
    The counsellors would obviously be concerned at that point, and there's always the part about it being preferable to avoid these kinds of meltdowns, but stuff happens.

    What you need to remember though, is that you've now got people in the house who are supposed to help you with these kinds of things. When you were having your panic attack, it would have been totally appropriate to have a talk with one of the OTs to try to get down from the panic attack. They are there to help you with these kinds of things. You don't have to do everything by yourself!

    The people who are in the house are also supposed to help you with things like getting your internet set up. Perhaps you could have talked to the broadband company together with one of the OTs, and it might have made things a bit easier :)

    TL;DR: The OTs are there for a reason, use them! ;)
     
    • Like x 2
  8. Inksalt

    Inksalt the prettiest yautja

    Thank you- the 'others will understand' does help. I'm still stuck in a place of shame about people seeing me break down, it was hard even just putting a note on the door to let the OTs know. I did go looking for them, but unfortunately it was when they were out helping other people with shopping, and I just felt like I needed to sleep rather than wait. I did try asking the OTs to hang around during phonecalls but then... idk I tend to generally be okay with phonecalls so I don't tend to think I'll need their help? And then when I get to the phonecalls that do reduce me to tears... yeah I've gone and called while the OTs aren't around because I thought I would be okay...

    I think I will talk to them on Monday about how yeah, the 'lock the door' thing is something that I tend to do, and may well happen again, and how can I deal with it a bit better in future.
     
    • Like x 1
  9. Inksalt

    Inksalt the prettiest yautja

    Lethargy was so bad this morning that I couldn't stand up in the kitchen for my cooking lesson. Had to cancel it and stumble back to my room and now I can't get off the couch. I got 9 hours of sleep but I just want to go back to sleep.
     
  10. Inksalt

    Inksalt the prettiest yautja

    no-one talk to me about RV no-one fucking talk to me about RV

    i cannot be objective and i cannot deal with the emotions this shit dredges up
    now i feel like i'm going to be sick, that's a sort of anxiety attack i haven't felt for a LONG FUCKING TIME

    i want to sleep more, maybe i can hit a full 24 hours next time lmfao
     
  11. Inksalt

    Inksalt the prettiest yautja

    was feeling overloaded and the OT was Disappointed that i hadn't mopped so she stood there while i cleaned and now i'm having a panic attack and my legs won't stop shaking and i don't know if she's even noticing and i cant com munictate it verbally right now mopping is so kdisgusting i hate this
     
  12. budgie

    budgie not actually a bird

    That's a pretty dick move on her part, imo. You'd think she'd know that standing and watching until The Thing Gets Done is rarely helpful for people with panic.

    If you can share what exactly you find disgusting about mopping, though, maybe someone would have a suggestion for something else that gets the floors clean?
     
  13. Inksalt

    Inksalt the prettiest yautja

    it's leaving the room with water on the floor, i'm stuck out in the main room because i can't go back in my room while the floor is wet

    and i can't seemt o sweet up enough to stop there being dust that the mop ends up accumuklating
    i know it needs mopping because i need to clean it after killing roaches and spraying bugspray about so it's not much of a situation i can do anything alternate about but ghghghgh

    she just noticed that i was upset then and talked to me about it and i explained about the panic thing and said that i understood that it's basically acatch22 where i'm not able to get it done while they're leaving me alone (mostly because i'm having difficulty processing and waking up so i'm not fully udnerstanding the process that i need to go through to sweep and mop the floor) but they ddo need me to get it done so they're ending up nee4ding to stand over me while i do it but that makes me less able to do it independantly after that

    i don't think she realises that her constant 'good work, i'm so proud of you' is kinda feeling hella patronising and it's making the words mean jack shit ghh
     
  14. Inksalt

    Inksalt the prettiest yautja

    no more emotions tonight. i shall just sleep
     
  15. Inksalt

    Inksalt the prettiest yautja

    If there was one day on which I could never hear anything about America, right now it would be the Superbowl. I am sick of the superbowl, I am sick of 'superb owl' jokes, I am sick of everyone apparently feeling the need to, if not commentate, highlight how they are not going to commentate.

    Beyonce's new song is great, awesome, everything else can fuck off because I am not in a place where I want to deal with this right now.

    This entire day has been rotten awful and I've had to play so nice and friendly that it's making me want to rip my teeth out, and when I try to retreat to the internet to focus on something else then SUPERBOWL SUPERBOWL WOW I HATE COLDPLAY WATCH BEYONCE STEAL THE SHOW SUPERBOWL SUPERBOWL

    and if i try changing the topic then lmao i can't tell if people are being oblivious but cHRIST THE AMERICANIZATION OF EVERYTHING I FUCKING ENCOUNTER PISSES ME OFF SO MUCH

    i'm probably just picking fights, i'm probably just being troublesome, i probably should just get off the internet and do something! with all that money i don't have! in all those places which are already closed because it's a monday, and it's nearly 5 pm!!

    fuck everything
     
  16. turtleDove

    turtleDove Well-Known Member

    I honestly don't feel like you're picking fights or being troublesome? The 'superb owl' jokes were funny once, when Colbert did it because the Super Bowl folks literally would not let him use the words "super bowl" to talk about the...exact thing those words reference; that one time was back in...2010, I wanna say? Several years ago, anyways. I'd probably be just as hackle-y and irritated if I'd had to deal with it, instead of sleeping through most of it and then sitting in my corner of the internet where, asides from a couple of Tumblr ads and a constant stream of recipes focusing on "snacks for game day!" from the one recipe blog I follow, I can completely ignore this thing.

    (Well - also my one skypegroup openly wondering whether to tuning in to watch the half-time show was worth it. But the rest of my skypegroups trend not-American? Or at least not-anyone who cares about This One Dang American Sports Event.)

    (Edit: I feel like this is probably the same Feel I had around the holidays, where I had to suddenly unfollow Every Single Aesthetic Blog on my blogroll, because yes, I get that Christmas is the assumed-default, but I don't celebrate it and having to hear about how I need to be more hype for this thing that isn't my thing...it was very exhausting. And I really, really cannot blame you for being exhausted and hackle-y, or even snarly when people were refusing to talk about anything else.)
     
    Last edited: Feb 8, 2016
    • Like x 2
  17. Inksalt

    Inksalt the prettiest yautja

    I can't even remember why I stopped checking Kintsugi. Maybe there wasn't a reason.

    Building structure is terrifying and part of me hates it. I've fallen apart again and again over the last few weeks and just... picked myself back up. Do the dishes that piled up across the day. Took a shower. Watched a movie. Got back on with things. It feels wrong in an awful contradictory way. I'm so used to falling apart and watching everything else about my life fall apart as a result. Maybe I was taking a sick sort of pleasure in the exterior domino effect, signifying to people that I'm Not Okay. But I don't have that as much anymore. I guess that means then I have to say when I feel sick and awful, and that feels like the worst possible thing to do, because why would you tell someone that?? Why would you spoil their day, when you can just give the friendly and cheerful responses that you're so good at automating, and not need to bother them with how you feel like burning all social connections and salting the earth before finding something else to move on to.
    Falling apart in a structure means you melt against the bars, instead of into the ground. You're still high up. And because you built it sound, and with helpful clinically-trained construction workers, the bars won't fall apart and let you drop this time.

    Of course, the ones who pay closer attention seem to pick it up anyway. Some people I can't bear to lie to when they ask me how my day's been. It helps to talk to them. It's embarrassing. I feel like a disgusting mess.

    My throat aches and there's still more washing up to do. Lokkie is hiding under the bed because that's her new home, and I haven't explained the Lokkie method but it won't be in this post at the very least. Maybe the next one, if I don't run out of energy tonight/this morning.
     
    • Like x 1
  18. Inksalt

    Inksalt the prettiest yautja

    The Lokkie method is one I clawed together during the weeks through Christmas and New Year's, when I knew I needed to pack to move but I couldn't get myself to even get out of bed or move away from the computer. I feel like explaining the very longform version of this character's history, which part of me wants to apologise for, but this is my damn thread and I'll be as verbose as I feel like on matters that are of importance to me, so I won't let that part take over.

    [​IMG]
    the original Cavetroll​

    The Cavetroll was originally a Homestuck fantroll character of mine, from a setting in which players of SGRUB or SBURB were forced to endlessly replay the game, shuffled into new starting worlds and repeating through the SGAME sequences until they perished. She was spawned from my reading The Beast In The Cave by H P Lovecraft and jokes/ponderings about an Alternian troll which was, well, literally a cave troll. She was feral, broken, psychically deaf and immune to the Great Glub- and lost in the breeding caverns after hatching with her vampire bat lusus, who she ultimately ate for lack of anything else to eat, until she learnt to prey on other lusii and grubs making their way out of the caverns, first only nipping and sucking blood, and working her way up to slaying them for heartier feasts. The introduction of SGRUB, and the realisation from other players that she was an intended player of the game, meant she was spared from a fate of living in the caverns until she grew too old or injured to survive. Intervention and determined teaching and training by her coplayers (some of whom were human, and inclined to want to 'tame the savage beast'), and the background manipulations of Skaia lead to her finally developing into true sapience. They even gave her a name, Lokkie.

    [​IMG]
    Morwae Lokkie, native Scout of Sound​

    And she hated it. She detested the 'uplifting' that had been forced upon her, she learnt to hate humans and trolls alike for their insistence that she behave in ways they deemed appropriate, which certainly weren't ways that came naturally to her or seemed particularly appealing. But there were things worth taking from them, she decided, as her hunger for knowledge and self-improvement (under her terms) continued to grow. As she continued on through the original roleplay setting, she pushed herself to be queen of whatever trashheap she found herself in. She became a skilled manipulator, narcissist and an abusive controller of the people around her. I have more than a few other characters borne out of interactions with here where she decided that she would prefer them to behave differently, and devoted years of torment and pushing in order to achieve the end result she wanted- or until she got bored and wandered away to some other project. Even her death became an orchestration of her own, as, when finally backed into a corner she decided she couldn't escape from, she managed to prune and alter her own mind and personality, using SBURB-given abilities and the same skills she exacted on others in the past, until she became an entirely different person- one who could make his way out of that corner, and continue on while still retaining all the parts of her memories and skillset that she had decided should live on.

    [​IMG]
    Someone really needed to stop me giving her 9 year olds to mess with.​

    She is a nasty, horrible old hag. She's definitely not a nice character. As with all my long-running characters, past a certain point of writing them it becomes almost instinctive to give what her response to a given situation might be, to pick out what music she would like, to dash off responses for her in a hundred different settings, all with different backgrounds and histories for each splinter of her that would change her behaviour and actions in minute ways, but still remaining true to the core elements of Lokkie.

    [​IMG]
    Her most recent redesign, as some weird... alien fungus olm cavebeast??​

    She's the sort of person who doesn't give a shit about the endless social hangups and useless niceties and considerations that I functionally cripple myself with. She is brutally to the point, coldly logical and survival-orientated. Which makes her for a very good synthesised Guardian- or Mental Nanny, if I'm being more deprecating about it. All I did was fashion a splinter of her which ultimately and innately cares about my wellbeing and continued survival. Because she is a figment of my own imagination, I do not need to go through the verbal or textual explanations of the context of a situation, my actions within it, and the reason why I have to keep X in mind but cannot do Y. She immediately can supply what I technically might know is the obvious solution, and essentially 'growl' at me until I do it. I am the sort of person who will start tidying and cleaning automatically when people happen to move into my living space. By using Lokkie my imagination in a way that lets me pretend that there is someone here who is not just noticing the filth and shit, but who thinks that I can do considerably better than this, that helps me cut through the executive dysfunction- because the stupid part of my brain which thinks I should just lie here and not bother with anything is also tricked by strength of personality, even if the personality is only a simulated one I maintain in my head.

    [​IMG]
    Lokkie assisting with shitposting on twitter when I cannot be bothered.​

    She's a comfort. I feel like less of an asshole when I can filter the Unpleasant Thoughts through her, and let her either disassemble them or take ownership of them- and then I am capable of shutting her own when she is being an asshole in unhelpful ways. Back into the character box, until I need her again. She helps me not endlessly let people in front of me when I'm trying to get through a door, or into a supermarket line. She helps me be decisive and efficient when I'm planning outings, dealing with friends being dithery and indecisive. And most importantly, she drags me out of bed to claw my way through days where I don't want to get out of bed- and I end up being more productive than the days where I feel good enough to forget that I need her at all. Spite's a wonderful motivator, after all.

    I fully understand that it all comes from me, but in a way she's a pseudo-external internal motivator, when I'm suffering from severe internal motivation issues. I can synthesise a certain amount of motivation and initiative, and give responsibility for its use over to this disgusting cavetroll who is impatient for me to improve, and build my support structure, so that we can go on and complete the great things we want to do. Because we have great things ahead of us, and I fully intend on getting there. It is just painfully slow when I feel like I am reconstructing myself as a person manually, and having to test each portion and segment for structural damage. But thankfully Lokkie's reconstructed people before. So she can show me the way.
     
    • Like x 1
  19. Inksalt

    Inksalt the prettiest yautja

    i feel sick and angry and hungover from meds withdrawal

    just got into a gross fight with a friend who i've been having increasing troubles with, and the whole thing ended with deciding to take a break from socialising with them because i really cannot stand them lately and i don't want to count them as a friend so fuck it we'll both be happier if we're not playing minefield around each other
    it feels like i ripped off a bandaid. popped a pimple. ripped out an eyelash that's been turned around and poking me in the eye every time i blink

    unfortunately making probably-sensible moves to be more comfortable with my social group doesn't make me any less sleep deprived or in withdrawal. i desperately want to talk to someone and make friends with new people just to reassure myself i haven't totally forgotten how to do so but i can't really do that at 5:30 am and i don't even know what to talk about anyway fuck my life fuck my life

    i just want to sleep but i can't!!!
     
  20. rats

    rats 21 Bright Forge Shatters The Void

    witnessing :"0 i hope your withdrawal symptoms wear off soon, or that you get back on your meds soon, whichever is the desirable outcome here
     
    • Like x 1
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