This is more of a personal journal than anything - but sometimes it's good to have something recorded where others can read it, and where I can go back to it without too much effort. I've deleted my Facebook account. Untweeted my Twitter. I never had a Tumblr, or a MySpace or a ... whatever else there is. I've left the ever-growing Discord servers, and deleted Facebook Messenger from my phone. I've limited my texts to business - setting up plans, confirming details, checking schedules - rather than 'visiting' with people via written word. My original intent with this was to not only erase my presence from the void of the Internet, but also to erase my presence from the face of the earth. Obviously, this initial intent has not been successful. I cannot say that I am happy about this, but I am too conscientious to abandon the commitments I made at this time. In some respects, this has now become an experiment - to see what the impact of limiting my digital presence has on me, my relationships, my time management ability, and last but certainly not least, my mental health. So far, it has been okay. My dishes have gotten done with more regularity. I have cuddled with my cat more. I read a chapter of a really good book. It's easier to get out of bed in the morning. It's easier to make sure I have time to prepare/consume breakfast, pack a lunch, and today - it was even easier to make and eat supper. I have a little more time to myself, and a little more time to do the extra little bit of cleaning. I still struggle to make myself go to bed at a reasonable hour. I still struggle with feeling worthwhile, feeling like I have friends, and feeling like I matter. I don't imagine that will change with this experiment, but maybe if I can eliminate some of the triggers, it will be okay. I hope ... Spoiler: Detailed Check-In Today's Check-In: Schedule - Chiropractic appt 7:40am, worked at West/HT, Deaf Event tonight. Food - breakfast, lunch, supper - all balanced. Two cups of tea. Mood - quiet, contemplative, but not all negative Medical - slight headache, sore throat in the morning, vaguely unimpressed digestive system (nausea earlier) Energy - difficult to get out of bed, scratchy eyes, and a bit drowsy/sleepy all day, but holding my own Motivation - middling, but dishes done Downtime - watched SVU, played minesweeper Social - looking forward to the evening, a few texts exchanged during the day Notes - [can't think of anything else right now]
This morning didn't start well - I was late submitting an entry form to a competition, and the competition executive is notorious for having a stick wedged up its butt, sooooooo the first thing I deal with this morning is "pay us another $20 on top of your entry fee or don't play because it's not fair to the other people for you to be four hours late submitting your entry". Come ON. So that was unpleasant. I lazed in bed much longer than I anticipated, and am therefore quite behind schedule for getting things done today. I am trying not to stress about it, and am still trying to get the things done that I wanted to. There's a little bit of loneliness settling in, in that I have to wait for friends to be properly online, or out of class, or whatever, before I can be not alone - but if I can learn to treat the alone-time as rest rather than a curse, perhaps my brain will be less insane also. I do need to focus harder on being in bed at a reasonable hour. The earlier I go to bed and actually fall asleep (within reason), the better the next day tends to be. Spoiler: Detailed Check-In Today's Check-In: Schedule - Slow morning, clean house, shower, practice organ, run successful choir practice Food - breakfast so far - probably going to make a lunch/supper combination and then have a snack before bed. Mood - lonely, melancholic, slightly irritable. Medical - significant headache, tense neck/shoulders. Energy - very difficult to get out of bed, been moving slowly since. Motivation - middling, but dishes done and bathroom/kitchen cleaned (except shower), litter box clean, just have to take out garbage and put things back where they belong. Downtime - laid in bed, didn't do much. Watched SVU while doing housework. Social - FaceTime conversation with a friend while he walked around in Boston, and choir rehearsal tonight Notes - thinking more about what to do on Saturday - start again the higher dose birth control which may or may not have contributed heavily to the depression this month, or go back to the one that helped my brain but messed a little bit with my body. Not sure yet which side I'm landing on. [Edited to include days end: left choir without hanging out with the people I normally hang out with, left choir without hugs from the people I usually hug, left choir without anything other than what felt completely fake ... now I’m home, alone, and watching the time bomb tick ...]
This just in: I'm down a moirail as well, now. I don't understand, anymore. I don't get it. I don't follow. I guess ... well ... this is just the way it's going to be. I have to go back to the decision, and determine if I made the right one, or if I need to change my mind.
I didn't check in yesterday, because it was a very weird day. It started out slow, then got okay, then got terrible, then ended okay. Today, so far, has been good - I actually woke up *rested* for the first time in ... a long time. So, yesterday... Spoiler: Detailed Check-In Schedule - Organ tuning at two churches, including mine, changed winter tyres, and then practiced 4hrs Food - muffin, tea, sandwich, hot chocolate, two cookies, banana, cereal Mood - started out tired, then got good, then got miserably shot to hell, and ended okay Medical - mild headache, tense neck/shoulders that improved throughout the day. Was awake feeling unwell a few times through the night, but didn't have to get up Energy - not bad, actually Motivation - middling - worked, practiced. Downtime - didn't have much? Social - friend came to study/do homework while I practiced, and we visited a little on breaks Notes - restarted the birth control that was happy for my brain / not great for my body. Will update as things progress. So, today ... (so far) Spoiler: Detailed Check-In Schedule - Slow morning, going to do some baking, nothing 'scheduled' other than a funeral that I might attend Food - oatmeal ... not sure what'll follow Mood - pretty okay, happy about snow, not feeling particularly fragile at the moment Medical - a bit of tension in my jaw/neck, nothing else to report. Slept decently. Energy - seems fine? I got sucked into Minesweeper Vortex, but otherwise I feel okay Motivation - decent - gonna bake things! Downtime - watched an episode with <>, will have Netflix playing in the background while baking Social - friend coming over tonight to watch a movie after the funeral Notes - day two of Alysena. Here's hoping.
and missed another day ... Okay, yesterday was Sunday. Church with the local military [wannabe] band, Remembrance Day service-type-thing, dessert after the service ... had a momentary *kaboom* with my boss (I expressed excitement at the prospect of moving back East to be closer to family, and he instantly was like "I'm coming with you" ... "when you told me I was so sad ... [with much expressive pouty body language]. THIS IS NOT OKAY. I explained such, and he's not acknowledged anything I've said. At all. Except to send me a picture of his daughter's newest puppy trapped in his legs ... so, there has been some grrr. Watched a sappy movie with friends and realized the birth control must be working because I didn't cry (meanwhile I did cry today at an episode of SVU ...) I also had a low point today because my living room window has a draft, my landlord said a handyman guy could come and put plastic on it, but the only day he's available is the day I'm working all three jobs, so now it's my responsibility to go to the thing (meanwhile I'm shivering bc it's COLD now), and that spiralled me a bit into "stop being pathetic, Niels, stop being ridiculous, Niels, stop being ... whatever, Niels", and spiralled me back into "maybe I don't actually have mental health issues, I'm just a pathetic lump". So, a couple low points - but nothing too far off the map. so ... Sunday: Spoiler: Detailed Check-In Schedule - got up early, showered, did hair and makeup before church. Church service, movie with friends, chill. Food - Chocolate chip cookie, spicy noodle soup with egg, bowl of cereal Mood - pretty okay, except for the drama with my boss and the feeling of 'unresolved-ness' Medical - gut death around 11:45pm after many much rumbles, otherwise okay. Energy - I was good for the service and afterwards ... didn't really focus on it, obviously. Tired early due to time change. Motivation - always good for church stuff, I also don't usually do much after. Downtime - SVU, then a movie with friends. Social - Church social - dessert etc., after the service. Then movie. Notes - day three of Alysena. Still hoping. Today: Spoiler: Detailed Check-In Schedule - didn't get up with my alarm, even though I should've ... worked at the office, then came home and crashed the couch. Food - Chocolate chip cookie ... couple pieces of bread with peanut butter ... juice box ... whoops. Mood - pretty okay, except for the drama with my boss and the feeling of 'unresolved-ness' Medical - a bit of tension in my jaw/neck, headache, sore tailbone [again] Energy - seems fine? I'm sleepy, but I stared at a computer for too long today Motivation - mentally is decent. physically is laughable. Downtime - watched an episode with <>, then watched Netflix (SVU, duh) while playing endless Minesweeper Social - work was sufficient social, ugh Notes - day four of Alysena. Still hoping.
Tuesdayyyyy ... Again with the slow morning. Motivation was low, but I did get things done - including a super stressful meeting. Showered, straightened hair, put makeup on, and wore high heels for said meeting too ... power move. Mood mostly okay, despite ... people being dumb. Three 'meals' occurred, insomuch as Trix counts as a meal? But y'know - working on it. Sleeeeeeepy.
Wednesday! Early up for chiro (snap crackle pop), then doctor (she wasn't mad I took meds into my own hands but DO NOT RECOMMEND), then class (ewww), then shopping and potential job application (back to cashier world), then home for 'lunch' (I can't remember if I ... TRIX! MORE TRIX!), then first session with new counsellor whom I already love and then home for supper (Mr. Noodles, marble cheese, a cookie, whoop whoop), and soon off to work. Body hating on me a little - intestinal pain and nausea every time I eat a thing, annoying. Motivation fine - just tired :P Work 5-9, then BED, please bed ...
