IMPORTANT WARNING NOTE: I'm writing this when I'm pretty distressed so there's some language in here that's not positive. So, context: one of my friends thinks that I'm actually "normal" but just. Socially awkward and anxious/probably depressed and it's bothering me a lot, which I feel rather stupid about because *it's not terrible to be neurotypical but anxious/depressed.* According to his observations, I'm actually not terrible with social cues, even if it takes me a bit to pick up on them, my Interests are fairly normal even if what I'm interested in isn't typical for my age group, and I'm "hypercritical" of myself and so that's why things stand out to me as being different, or not like everybody else. He says I still have my "quirks" but I'm apparently really more normal than I think I am. This is upsetting to me because I've always been told that I marched to my own drummer and I've always *felt* like I was different from other people, but who the fuck knows, maybe *that's* a common thing, too, with awkward people who feel like they don't fit in because their parents didn't have any friends and therefore they didn't get enough socialization as a child, even if they weren't super *interested* in socialization with children their own age as a child except for with very few people. Spoiler: self-loathing maybe? Of course anxiety/depression brain is like "ooooh, you really ARE just like most people and can do things--you're just a lazy piece of shit who makes excuses for themselves!! You could do shit if you actually tried harder!!! Your mom is RIGHT, except about you being unique in any way because EVERYONE is unique, so you're JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE and you were WRONG!!!" And I'm just like. Please, brain, shut up, that's not helping at all. So. Yeah. I thought I was making progress and I was feeling *good* about being different and accepting that but the moment someone comes in and tells me that I'm more normal than I think my brain reminds me that no, guess fucking what, your parents are half-right, you might be neurotypical after all--just broken!!!! And I don't know what to do because if I AM neurotypical I feel like I just have a brain that doesn't work right that prohibits me from being the person that everyone would like more because they can get stuff done and I just. I hate it and it scares me and I'm upset and, again, I don't know what to do.
Witnessed. :( I've been there, and it hurts. What I did that helped me calm down a bit was write down literally everything in a google doc I could access off my phone, so that I could update it whenever I thought of something new and also show people what I was talking about - among other things, I express myself much clearer in text :B if I read something that made me go 'hey, same hat', I'd paste it in or transcribe the main points and the source. My mom and a couple of doctors had a tendency to misunderstand or dismiss my concerns when I said them aloud, but for some reason, when I wrote it all down, they started taking me more seriously. It was also good for cross-checking what I'd written on different days against each other, and things like diagnostic criteria.
Thank you. I feel a lot better now--still not at 100% probably, but I'm distracting myself w my fave comfort movie and talking to my friend about stuff that *isn't* my brain. He means well and did say that he could be wrong+he feels bad Bc it upset me so much, so I'm probably gonna talk with my therapist about it tomorrow.
Therapy day today! Talked about the thing with therapist at length. Verdict: I probably obsess about labels way too much, but she doesn't retract her previous statement about me being autistic. She just also thinks that a formal diagnosis, in my case, probably isn't as important/could possibly be detrimental because I tend to. Well. Obsess about whether or not I fit a certain criteria. And that's ultimately not super helpful to me. So my current task is self acceptance. I need to "just be" and try not to analyze the fuck out of my own brain and constantly try to pattern match, which. Is a task that's gonna be Difficult. But it will probably be ultimately helpful because my brain gets Really Hung Up on labels and I suppose it would be nice if for once it didn't do that. I think I'm always gonna be analytical and detail-oriented but it would be nice if my anxiety didn't use those things against me constantly.
I'm glad it went well! That sounds like a good goal to have, and good luck in teaching your brain to live and let live :D
