Break-up advice

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by ZeroEsper, Oct 14, 2020.

  1. ZeroEsper

    ZeroEsper Well-Known Member

    Full disclosure: I’m approaching 30 and have never been in a serious relationship, so I’ve never had to do something like this.

    I currently live my partner. We’ve been together for about a year, and have lived together for about three months. Admittedly, that’s not a long time to date before moving in together, but I think I was just desperate to leave the bad situation that I was in before.

    the thing is: I’m not happy. I’m stressed and I’m a bad mood most of the time. We live in my boyfriend’s house, and it’s smaller than the apartment I left. Like, it’s tiny. There’s NO ROOM. We barely have any furniture. We HAVE to use his mattress, before anything larger than a full size won’t fit. His mattress is really uncomfortable, and I sleep pressed against the wall because he sprawls and I don’t like to be touched when I sleep. There’s no place for me to really go to be alone - I have to hide in the cramped junk-filled back room where you can barely turn around without getting stuck if I want to be alone. And I’m a VERY introverted person. I love being alone. I know it’s not good to self-isolate, but I find it really fulfilling to spend a day or two by myself. I can’t do that now, because partner never goes anywhere overnight. I’m still new to this city and don’t know a lot of people, so I can’t beg to sleep in someone’s spare room. If I try and ask to be alone, partner looks so hurt and offended I feel like shit. He doesn’t understand being alone and besides, his doctor said he’s supposed to have someone around always.

    There are other issues, too. Neither of us are the cleanest people, but he literally doesn’t give a fuck about how disgusting the place is. Apparently I’m the only one who will remove the moldy food from the bedside where he leaves it. He brushes his long hair over the sink which creates massive hair balls. He refuses to clean the toilet and I have to do it 3-4 times a week because he keeps the water level as low as possible to be eco-friendly. Which, great, but I don’t always want to do it.

    I feel like I’m stuck in a cramped and very dirty space, and it’s making me crazy. I’m not trying to claim I’m the greatest person to live with, I’m not, but I’ll work on fixing myself ideally in a place where there’s enough room for my things and they aren’t in a storage unit I’m shelling out $100 a month for.

    the thing is though, my partner isn’t supposed to live by himself. He’s a medicated schizophrenic and while he’s responding well to his medication, according to his Psychiatrist, he should sell his house and move in with his parents. Neither of his parents can take care of him, though, and he doesn’t really want to do that besides.

    Partner is having money issues right now - work cut his hours and he’s also needed time lately. I pay him a good chunk of his mortgage and buy stuff for the house, etc as well. I have a decent paying job and can afford to live by myself. But if I moved out, he wouldn’t have the extra money for his mortgage. I know my money makes him feel secure, and I think he sometimes kinda sees me like a meal ticket. For example - I’m going to move out of state in a few years, and he couldn’t afford to do something like that. He’s so psyched that *we’re* gonna move. But it was weird because part of the reason I know I’ll move is because I’m going to pursue another degree. I want to go to the school that best fits my academic goals, and there isn’t one in this state. I brought up one really good program and he was like ‘oh okay we’ll go there’. When I tried to tell him I wanted to go to the school that worked best for me, he kinda gave me a look like I said something dumb, and said ‘No I think *place* is gonna be our best bet.’ Maybe so, but I felt really weird about talking about how I want to move to find the best possible opportunity, and he wasn’t concerned about that as much as going somewhere he thought he’d like. Like yes, I should definitely listen to his opinion, but if I’m going to be putting in the years of work, I want to chose a program that will help me get the career I want. not that any of this talk of moving matters (although apparently he’s told EVERYONE HE KNOWS that we’re moving in two years) because I don’t think he’d actually do it. He has a really great support network here, he’s only a few hours away from his Mom, who he has an okay relationship with, and he LOVES his Psychiatrist. But if he ever was going to move, going with me would be the only way. His job right now is ideal for his mental health and he can’t do any other ones, and his job is location-specific, so he can’t transfer. He’s not able to save money because of his mental health, so he can’t put a down payment on a place, and the property we live on is TRASHED because he gave up maintaining it, so even though he always talks about how much money he’d get if he sold it, I think the falling-down fence, overgrown thorn-bush ridden garbage strewn backyard, the dirt and rock front yard, the ruined carpet, the only half-painted walls, the broken refrigerator, etc. would bring the price down.

    I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore. There are things he needs from me that I can’t provide (sometimes he can’t be alone so I should spend 24 to 48 hours with him. This is extremely stress inducing for me, because I’m around people all day at work and sometimes I just! Want! To be! Alone!), I have to clean up the worst of the house messes because he doesn’t see the point, and I have to problem solve because if he encounters an obstacle in his everyday life he tends to just give up even if there’s a solution. I just don’t have the energy to be the moneymaker who cooks and cleans and reminds him about important appointments and navigates insurance, car maintenance, and medications with him. I want to be supportive, I’m not trying to be a piece of shit!! But I come hone tired from work and there’s a sink full of dirty dishes even though we have a dishwasher and I’m texting him to remind him that he really really really NEEDS to do *insert important thing here* because it’ll be a huge issue later if he doesn’t, and then a few hours later he comes home and doesn’t even mention that I did the dishes or thank me for reminding him. He’s not big on verbal acknowledgments - I thank him for things, but he’s not much for ‘please’ or ‘thank you.’ And I know that, but it’s fucking frustrating when I do a bunch of shit and he comes in like ‘GUESS WHO GOT HIMSELF TACO BELL ON THE WAY HOME!!’ and doesn’t say a word about anything. He’s acknowledged that half the time he doesn’t even notice when I do things, but that doesn’t make me feel better.

    even with all that, I still feel guilty. If I move out he’ll have to try and find a roommate again, but he was really overcharging the last one. He offers them a tiny room that can only comfortably fit a twin bed and a closet the depth of a kitchen cabinet. They have to share a bathroom (that he doesn’t clean) with him, a refrigerator (ditto), that he doesn’t clean, and they’re not allowed to bring home pets but boyfriend can if he’s so inclined. It’s a hard sell, and I really think most people would take a look at the place and go ‘there has to be something better than this.’ He’ll be stuck in the same city we’re both in because he won’t be able to move and I don’t know what will happen with his mental health. Plus if I left him right now, he’ll be especially strapped for cash. So I keep thinking of all the reasons why breaking up with him would make me a bad pardon, and then it stresses me out. But I’m sure I don’t want to keep doing this. I know three months isn’t a long time, but things haven’t shown any signs of improvement, and a lot of things I bring up as things I’d like to see how we can compromise on he either brushes it off or goes ‘well, I’m schizophrenic, and this is something schizophrenic people do.’ And I really and truly want to be understanding of that!! But I’ve also noticed that when he’s with his friends, if he says ‘oh well I can’t/don’t want to do *thing*’ they’ll do it for him or just have him be exempt (like if everyone is supposed to help clean up after a party, he usually just sits down and watches everybody). I don’t think he does it on purpose, but I think he’s accidentally created an unconscious thought process where he’s like ‘if I say I don’t want to/can’t, then I don’t have to deal with *x*.’ So I won’t lie - sometimes I do get really frustrated when he says he can’t do something like feed his snake or or take the trash out.

    Do you guys*(girls, folks, folx, gentlepersons) think it’s too much of an asshole move to break up with him and move out before his money situation stabilizes? I don’t know when that will be. And is it heartless of me to leave someone who isn’t supposed to live by themselves?
    • Witnessed x 3
  2. KingdomByTheSea

    KingdomByTheSea Well-Known Member

    Breakups are about what's best for you, and they're unilateral. It is definitely not an asshole move to break up with him, and it's not your responsibility to wait until he's in a better situation to break up with him. This sounds like an untenable relationship for you!
    • Agree x 11
    • Useful x 1
  3. rats

    rats 21 Bright Forge Shatters The Void

    BIG agree, waiting for a better situation just prolongs it because the truth of it is, there isn't ever going to be an Ideal Time to do it, something will always come up. do what is best for you.
    • Agree x 6
    • Useful x 1
  4. ZeroEsper

    ZeroEsper Well-Known Member

    I’ve been staying outside of the house pet-sitting. When I go home I’m going to talk to him. I can’t tell if I’m being unfair or not, but I need more space than I have, I want to get a pet (he told me I could when I moved in but there’s no room for one), I want to sleep on a mattress that isn’t bruising me, I don’t want to have to come in and immediately go right to picking up the stuff that he left lying around, and I don’t want to have to keep prompting 2-4 times to do the things he needs to do (schedule appointments, pick up presents for his friend, Feed his pets, take his medicine, bring the trash cans back off the street so I can park, etc). In the long term I don’t think this relationship CAN go anywhere long term. I’m not living in this stare forever and I don’t know if he’ll ever actually move. Frankly, I don’t think HE knows, either. I’m sure he could tell me something, but whether or not it’ll hold true later kind of depends. Not to mention I’d like to be able to have guests over. We can’t because there’s literally no room unless we squish side by side on the couch. And then the TV is wedged at the foot of the bed in the other room anyways, which means all we can do is stare out the window he refuses to put curtains over. He never invites anyone over either because he’s straight up said ‘I can’t have guests here, it’s too small.’ I’m hoping my migraines will get better once I move out too - the frequency skyrocketed after I moved in. I think it’s a combination of him trying to make sure the house gets as much direct sunlight as possible and the fact that I’m allergic to cigarettes and even though he smokes on the porch, his clothes carry the smell.

    I know he’s going to be really upset and I’m sure all sorts of terrible things will be said about me to everyone he knows but like, he has to have some inkling that I’m not happy.

    I paid off a big debt that we accidentally accrued together (long story) and so if he gets upset about money I’m going to point out that I paid out over 2k that was his share and no, me taking 75 dollars off the rent I pay him for one month does not make us even. (This would piss him off SO MUCH - he refuses to acknowledge that I paid his share. I’m over here looking for odd jobs to build up my savings after that and he’s like ‘huh well good luck with that’. He said ‘thank you’ once and while I don’t need him to sing my praises, the fact that he was like ‘okay glad that’s taken care of!’ While only acknowledging once WHO took care of it makes me feel like I handled the situation wrong. Was I not helpful enough? Should I have asked him to pay me back a little? Or is it bad that I expected more than a ‘thanks’ once? Is it typical to be apathetic in this situation? I was holding back tears and he was trying not to show how happy he was. Was I supposed to be happy too?)

    I think he’ll be fine in the long run - he keeps telling me all about how his one coworker has a crush on him and how his coworker is so attracted to him and his coworker REALLYYY likes him, so much who knows - maybe they’ll find love? Actually I super hope not because from what bf has said his coworker is NOT in any position to date someone who will need his assistance cleaning and making appointments and making phone calls, and bf probably doesn’t need the drama of an early-twenties barely-out gay person.

    actually this saves me another trouble! He’s pissed I won’t tell my parents that we’re dating, but that would uhhhhh put me in danger (bf is trans which I only mention because that’s why I’d be in danger - my parents are homophobic and transphobic - my mother VEHEMENTLY so) and he doesn’t understand what I mean when I say that. So now he won’t have to get mad about it! Not that he knows much about my family - I didn’t realize until recently we usually talk about his family so actually he doesn’t know about what happened in my life.

    this is gonna suck but hopefully I can nail down a place and be out at some point next weekend! Which probably seems very soon but like, it’s gonna be awkward in the house because we can’t not see each other, so I feel like sooner is better in terms of not having us do an awkward dance around the house to pretend there aren’t two of us there. If he kicks me out now I can go to a hotel or sleep in my car for a while, but I think he’ll let me sleep on the couch for a few days.

    it sucks because I like his friends but he’s known them for soooo much longer than me so I’m assuming I’ll never hear from them ever again. They’re really cool so I hope they all keep having fun together!
    • Witnessed x 1
  5. ZeroEsper

    ZeroEsper Well-Known Member

    (Can you get someone’s friends a ‘sorry I broke up with your long-time bro, I wish you all the best, good luck *person* with your interview and *other person* I hope your lizard starts doing better and *third person* hope your parents get possessed by nice ghosts so they can stop being awful!’ cake?? Or is that inappropriate??)
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