This is long, messy, stupid, and all over the place. I've been slowly getting better. Partner got me a doctor's appt because I haven't seen a GP in over a year since my shitty gyno visit. Can get on the wait list for a psych now and maybe get ADHD meds. Which I've been managing, somehow. I live in my own apartment and I've learned self care and some days I'm better at it than others but I still rely on my parents for support because I don't make enough to support myself. I could work more but the last time I worked full time in retail I was miserable and always late and got fired for it. I can't lose another job because it burns me out. Housing here is absurdly expensive and I don't know how to go about applying for something subsidized or something. One more semester of school and then my parents are cutting me off. I would never talk to my mom if I could help it but she gives me money from my college fund to pay for my apartment so I have to. I keep forgetting how bad it was. Every time I see her we argue. She doesn't understand why I can't just "do" things. If I have something "important" to do and I've done anything recreational--played video games, read a book, seen friends, whatever, then I clearly must have the time to do it and am simply lazy!! Cannot wrap her head around spoon theory. Works with special ed kids but can't figure out why her kid is so fucked up. Every time I see her I think it's not going to be so bad and then I regret it. I'm crying right now and I've been a wreck all night because I stopped by the house to get some of my stuff from storage, and she demanded to know why I hadn't gotten an internship yet. Because why am I making chain mail for fun when I could be doing things she thinks are more important? Why am i not selling it? Never do anything fun unless everything else in your life is sorted. Be miserable all the time until you're put together. Always exploit every avenue possible to make money because that's what's important. "I just want you to have a job you love and be financially independent so I'm going to berate you and tell you how easy it is so why haven't you don't it yet" so how am I supposed to do that unmedicated again?? I can't communicate with her. It's gotten to the point where I start yelling because I know she's never going to understand what I'm trying to say to her. The thing is, my dad listens to me and I can have actual conversations with him so I know it's her. She refused to come to family therapy when he came consistently. But he also makes excuses about how she just wants what's best for me. Obviously all I need is a little push, not...mental health care?? I hate hate hate being so affected by this. I was doing ok and then one stupid argument with her makes me feel like complete shit again. I don't know how to make it stop. I don't know how to get it into her head that her expectations are not only too high but have made me resent her utterly and destroyed my self esteem. I hate her. I honestly do. I hate my own mother because she keeps saying she loves me but she won't LISTEN to me. I don't want her touching me. I don't want to say "I love you" back because it's a lie. She doesn't see me, she sees someone who can be molded into something she wants and is just being stubborn. I posed some goddamn pictures of the bracelets I made on Facebook because I was proud of them and the only thing she fucking says is "are you going to sell them?" It's like an echo I've heard all through my life. Drawing? Writing? Sewing? "Well, when are you going to sell some things? You need to support yourself, you know." It's like that's the only thing in the world she cares about. Never mind that I've disappointed tons of people because I can't finish projects on deadlines especially if I'm not into them. I can't do commissions because of this. I'm just too flaky. I really really wanted to ask what she would do if I were so disabled I couldn't ever be financially independent. Would she abandon me then?
It's appreciated. After some distance my head is a little clearer but it just...sucks that one argument can send my mood spiraling down like that.... And I have to constantly remind myself that the way she treats me isn't ok because a lot of the stuff seems mundane or not a big deal on its own. I have to remember I grew up being told that if I failed at something I "didn't want it enough". It feels like I'm just being dramatic because if I know she's bad for me why do I let her have power over me?? But deep down I still want her approval. I want her to be proud of me. I know how to do it, it means not being myself, so I won't ever make it. Talking to her always makes me feel so small and miserable because there's some weird communication barrier between us that I can't ever breach. I feel like for the past year or so I've been mourning the fact that my mother wasn't real, in some ways. That the person I thought cared about me never really saw me. I have a file box of all the drawings I've done since age 11 and I had to leave it at my parents' because my tiny apartment has no space. But she keeps saying stuff about how I should clean it out and throw stuff away. Because I don't "need" it anymore. Nevermore that as an artist the proof of my journey is really important to me?? She's the same way about my books and things she deems unnecessary. Cosplay wigs. Etc. "You have so many why do you need another. Just get rid of it." Never mind that books and stories aren't interchangeable?? And neither are wigs? I can never fathom her logic. Every hobby I've had she's always asked me how I'm going to make money with it and then when I try I end up hating it because it's no longer fun. I can't do commissions, as I said earlier. I've failed too many times because I can't get invested in projects I'm not interested in. (This is probably the ADHD) Basically, by repetition she taught me that nothing I do is worth anything unless it makes me money. That's the message of "why are you making bracelets for fun when you could sell them" (nevermind that they were meant to be holiday gifts??) That's why her FB comment felt like a punch to the gut. Like a reminder that I fail on the basic level of integrating into society. She couldn't just be proud that I'd mastered a cool skill! Like most parents would be! Nope, she had to make it about money. She constantly said the same stuff about drawing and sewing. I honestly don't know if I can even use the degree I'm getting to make a living. (Fashion design) After failing out of college once I went back and I'm almost finished, though it's just a certificate and not a full degree. I thought maybe I could make costumes for theatre productions but I haven't been able to find any openings anywhere, and the past couple months has been hectic. I mean, I was working and taking care of my partner as they recovered from top surgery, and my mom was obnoxious about that too. She doesn't get the gender thing so I told her it was preventative for breast cancer, which she seemed sympathetic about at first even though partner refuses to talk to her after she was nasty to them too many times. But then she started bugging me and telling me I was wasting my time, in so many words, and why couldn't their parents do it, (they're elderly??) "I'm just worried about you exhausting yourself"--what the fuck was I supposed to do, leave them??? She kept phrasing it as concern about me but if she were really concerned about me she would have offered to take some of the burden off, not tell me to just stop caring for the person I love. I don't understand where her bullshit comes from but at least I can spot it from miles away now. I cannot recall a time where my mother has ever apologized to anyone, least of all me. She still doesn't understand why partner refuses to talk to her or see her. Nevermind that she did everything that she could to keep us separated in the early years of our relationship. Acting exasperated and "concerned" every time I wanted to visit. Telling me I was confused about my sexuality. Telling me I only cared about them in a "motherly" way. (Ewwwwww) Admittedly I shouldn't have told her about A's problems but I was in high school and she was my mother, and I needed someone to talk to. I thought I could trust her. I slowly learned that was wrong, and she developed a very negative view of A. But I don't know if I could have prevented that anyway because my mom is so disapproving of people who don't act in a precisely socially acceptable way. Like, A would sometimes forget to say goodbye to my parents after leaving our house. Not out of spite but genuine forgetfulness! And my mom would go on and on about how rude they were. Plus they can't do groups of people so they wouldn't do family dinner and that was "rude" too. What gets me is my mom teaches kids with learning disabilities and other stuff like autism but if this is how she treats her kid and their partner I worry about her students. ...it's felt good to get that out but now I feel like I'm blowing things out of proportion so I'm...going to stop here for a but and try to get some perspective.
I just needed to vent and this seemed like a better place than plurk. It might be the SAD talking but I'm really afraid that a doctor won't be able to help. How much of the crap holding me back is ADHD? How much is dysphoria? I keep thinking of mine as mild but on some level I guess I don't know until it lifts. Looking back, after age 11 (when I hit puberty) was when I started hiding my body actively. I really don't know if it's contributing to bring down my general mood constantly or not, I mean...it probably is? But I can't tell, I only know when it gets worse for a bit. My room is a mess and my brain is a mess and all I really have the spoons to do is play my MMO...but I'm really afraid of getting addicted...I know it's not the game itself but my mental state. I guess it's good I'm taking a break rn, even if the break is "lie in bed at 6 in the evening and cry at phone". I found out recently that I messed up calculating what classes I had left and now I have to take two classes in the spring instead of just one. I can barely handle one at a time along with working. I don't know what to do. And my prof from the summer still hasn't given me my grade even though I've emailed her several times. Every time I talk to my mom she bugs me about it and I'm trying but I can never try hard enough for her. Oh, and I need to register for health insurance for next year. My brain hurts. Holiday hours and nasty customers mean spoon reserve is very low. I was on time for a while but now I'm 10-20 minutes late almost every day and I'm so worried I'm going to get fired for it like what happened with my last job. I keep getting praised for the actual work I'm doing so that's good but I can't keep doing this. I don't know how to stop being late. I can't switch tasks well, I space out, I lose track of time, I have such a hard time moving in the morning, and now that I get home later my schedule is disrupted because I'm used to doing certain things before I go to bed, so I'm staying up later as well. Meaning I don't sleep as well. I just feel tired all the time. I just got yelled at by my mom because she offered to take me shopping for a new winter coat because she wants to get rid of my old one. (It works just fine but it's "too old" and she has this thing about clothes. It just feels wasteful but I didn't want to argue. I wear clothes until they wear out.) Well, I got distracted and left late and she got pissed that I wasn't there the time she told me and I was gonna be about 25 minutes late, so she said she was calling it off and told me to go back home. Whatever. I just couldn't deal with her yelling at me and it made me feel like shit again. I know I'm a mess. I know I inconvenience people by being late all the time and I hate it but if I knew how to fix it wouldn't I have done it already??? It's like she thinks I do this stuff to spite her. That's kind of the core of the matter I guess, whenever I fuck up she acts like I'm giving her a hard time on purpose. I don't. I hate making people mad at me more than anything. I feel totally worthless right now and I'm trying not to day it to anyone because I don't want to look like I'm asking for pity, I just want this feeling to go away. I wish I could actually work like a regular human being and not be exhausted by interacting with people to the point where I burn out. I wish I could support myself so I'm not dependent on how charitable my mom is feeling. Sometimes I wonder how to get the feeling back. When I started this program in school and was accomplishing things I actually thought things were going to get better. And the thing is they did for a time. But I realize now it was because after losing my other job and flunking school the first time, things only could get better. I was at rock bottom then. Now that I appear to be a function human being with a job the expectations have gone up again and I can't meet them. I wish I could just do things instead of lying around feeling miserable.
I'm going to rest a bit, and then I'm going to heat up some leftovers because all I've eaten today was a granola bar and a slice of pie. Maybe real food will help. Then I'm going to see if I have the spoons to clean my room, because organizing seems to clear my head.
possibly contact your faculty/the registrar's office for your grades for the summer course? as for the rest, witnessed. i hope some food helped.
Hm. I mean I talked to my advisor but shes kinda frustratingly flaky (she is the only advisor for everyone in my tiny program, but she is also a professor, so she kinda tends to put her current students first. It's not the best setup) and she said to email the prof but I did it before Thanksgiving and still nothing. I had an incomplete but I turned in all my work over two months ago so. Sigh. And my parents won't pay for my spring classes until I get my grade. I'm really bad at bugging people about even things that are important because I'm terrified of being seen as a nuisance. But if I don't get a response by the end of the week, would the registrar office be able to do anything? Food did help, thanks. I also chilled out and contemplated things and I am probably PMSing on top of everything else which. Sigh. At least I know WHY I feel like crap even though I can't do much about it. Though it's definitely worse not knowing and being hit by a wave of misery and wondering what you did to deserve it. Dysphoria also gets worse leading up to it, maybe because of hormone bullshit idk, but it would explain why my skin was crawling yesterday. :/ Thankfully I had two days off from work so I could afford to spend yesterday lying around feeling sorry for myself and I can maybe use today to try to get things done. Hah. Edit: on the plus side, finally got that return email from professor. I should have my grade tonight. that's a load off...
at my uni, at least, the registrar is responsible for things like transcripts, so they're who i'd go to if my prof wasn't posting grades. they're there to help with these things; it's not a nuisance at all. i hope you have your grade tonight!
