Cedar's Complaint Thread

Discussion in 'Brainbent' started by chaoticArbiter, Sep 15, 2015.

  1. jacktrash

    jacktrash spherical sockbox

    beeps, i don't think policing other people's diagnoses is a great move. not everyone expresses the same disorder in the same way.
     
    • Like x 1
  2. chaoticArbiter

    chaoticArbiter an actual shiny eevee (destroyer of worlds)

    I dunno. maybe my psychiatrist was wrong. he said I fit the bill pretty well, though.
     
  3. emythos

    emythos Lipstick Hoarding Dragon

    things come at different levels of severity, if he thinks you have it he's probably right
     
  4. BPD anon

    BPD anon Here I sit, broken hearted

    Here's how I see this.
    You: I have "bpd" but not the kind where it actually influences my life any differently than like depression or anxiety would
    Me: I don't think so if you can't bottle up your emotions
    You: well unlike you, I actually care about whether I hurt other people, and that's why I can bottle up mine :) :)
     
    Last edited: Sep 15, 2015
  5. chaoticArbiter

    chaoticArbiter an actual shiny eevee (destroyer of worlds)

    I dunno. it could just be the way BPD interacts with my AVPD and SZPD.
    who knows.
     
    • Like x 1
  6. jacktrash

    jacktrash spherical sockbox

    heads up, you're acting like a real jerk here. putting words in people's mouths is a dick move.
     
  7. chaoticArbiter

    chaoticArbiter an actual shiny eevee (destroyer of worlds)

    that is literally not what I said at all
    my BPD very much influences my life
    I think my AVPD and SZPD interact with my BPD in such a way that I can sometimes bottle up my anger for a bit and then lash out at myself rather than others
    however I experience most of the symptoms of BPD
    I have severely unstable relationships because of how much anger and hurt I take out on my friends when they've done little to nothing wrong
    I have an unstable sense of self, as proven by the fact that I currently am crying because if I don't have BPD then who the fuck am I anyway
    I have multiple suicide attempts and recurring self harm behavior that can come on at the smallest things and I can get suicidal so fucking fast it's not even funny
    I experience emotional instability, as evidenced by the mood swings
    I'm impulsive as all get out when it comes to suicidal stuff, self harm stuff, driving, and spending
    I'm scared as fuck of abandonment and make many, many frantic attempts to avoid it by either cutting friends off to save myself the pain or basically desperately latching on to them and begging them not to leave
    I have dissociative episodes
    I have feelings of emptiness on a pretty regular basis
    I have the black and white thinking of BPD
    just because I lack the 'difficulty controlling anger' doesn't mean I don't have BPD

    but whatever
    maybe I don't have BPD
    are you happy yet
     
    Last edited: Sep 15, 2015
    • Like x 1
  8. jacktrash

    jacktrash spherical sockbox

    btw, my sister has bpd, and bottling up emotions until she was in a safe place to express them was a skill she learned. she got fired from a lot of jobs in the process of learning it, but she eventually got it down. it is definitely possible to have bpd and not always explode.
     
    • Like x 4
  9. seebs

    seebs Benevolent Dictator

    I don't know how old you are, but I know that controlling outbursts is not an all-or-nothing skill, and it's one that tends to develop over time. It often gets a lot easier in the late 20s to early 30s. But there's also a lot of personal variance. I can nearly always keep from lashing out in a rage, but only nearly-always, and I'm 43 and don't have BPD at all.

    And honestly, it sounds to me like both alex and beeps have BPD, but with different manifestations, and you're sorta triggering each other.
     
    • Like x 4
  10. chaoticArbiter

    chaoticArbiter an actual shiny eevee (destroyer of worlds)

    I'm eighteen, but I spent much of high school struggling to learn to control near-constant explosive rage; I was pissed at everyone and everything back then and anything could and would set me off. I screamed and hurt people and broke things and so I learned pretty fast that I needed to figure out how to control it or bad things were gonna happen, so I made myself learn it as best I could. I still slip up sometimes, but I'm nowhere near as bad as I was and that's the reason I'm better at controlling my outbursts, I guess, maybe.
     
    Last edited: Sep 15, 2015
  11. spockandawe

    spockandawe soft and woolen and writhing with curiosity

    Fwiw, I'm fairly sure I have bpd (not diagnosed, but there's... a lot to take care of before I even think of pursuing that particular diagnosis), and I used to be awful bad about lashing out when I was younger, and sometime in early college I realized it was a Problem, and sometime in the college/grad school range, I got a lot better at diverting my brain before I exploded. I still lash out at friends occasionally, because I have a bad habit of bottling up little hurts and keeping score until things get explosive, but that's been like one major outburst in the last two years (lashing out at myself is a whole 'nother problem, but hey, progress is progress). Tbh, I think the biggest thing keeping me sort of chill is the crippling fear that I will drive away anyone who might ever care for me, but it's working, which means it's totally healthy, right? Aha h a

    Your experience sounds like bpd to me from where I'm standing, so basically, major, major hugs.
     
  12. chaoticArbiter

    chaoticArbiter an actual shiny eevee (destroyer of worlds)

    ahhhh yeah that crippling fear thing, I can relate to that majorly, and it's totally healthy! hahaha
    but yeah, I get what you mean about bottling up little hurts and such--I do that too and then I get super pissy with my friends and lash out and it's not fun....but for the most part I'm better at managing it than I was. I'm not nearly so angry and my lashing out is more like once a month rather than every day--which is still kind of a lot and not the greatest, but it's at least better than it was...

    hugs are good. thank you for the hugs.
     
    • Like x 1
  13. chaoticArbiter

    chaoticArbiter an actual shiny eevee (destroyer of worlds)

    this is now my complaint thread and people can feel free to ignore it if they want I just need a space to complain about the shit that goes wrong/that I am pissed about/etc.

    the reason I have changed it is that I am currently upset about something
    which is that I have learned my abusive-ish (hate to use that word but nothing else fits even though I don't consider it abuse) ex-friend-ish-person has been vagueing about me on his blog and saying shit that's completely not true
    he even went so far as to name one of the people I'm currently involved with, which pisses me off even more
    tbh I kinda wanna crush his head in but I'm not going to do anything about except that I sent a polite ask requesting he not use names
    to which his response has been to complain that it's 'a blog for venting' and that he's deleting it now because people won't stay away from it
    and I'm just pissed off because he fucking used names in that blog and also it was p much all lies??
    I dunno maybe I'm in the wrong here for being upset
    but I am not happy

    also why do people expect me to help supervise and fix their relationships
    why
    it's not my relationship
    ....maybe the better question is why do I do it

    I don't know I'm very frustrated and upset right now with several things but these are the main two
     
  14. chaoticArbiter

    chaoticArbiter an actual shiny eevee (destroyer of worlds)

    me: *has argument with person*
    me: *proceeds to delete everything I've ever written and then be upset and split on them because of course my actions are totally their fault*
    I am
    very frustrated
    with myself
    and my BPD
     
  15. emythos

    emythos Lipstick Hoarding Dragon

    internet hugs
     
  16. chaoticArbiter

    chaoticArbiter an actual shiny eevee (destroyer of worlds)

    thank you friend
    *hugs*

    I just wish I wouldn't split so easily after an argument, or do rash things that make me upset and then cause me to split
    it is not fun
    and now half of me is like "talk to him and make up!" and the other half is like "IGNORE HIM FOREVER" and I just
    *shakes head*
     
  17. emythos

    emythos Lipstick Hoarding Dragon

    welcome
    I'm sorry you have to deal with that bullshit.
     
  18. chaoticArbiter

    chaoticArbiter an actual shiny eevee (destroyer of worlds)

    eh. it'll be all right eventually. BPD is just so freaking annoying sometimes.
     
  19. emythos

    emythos Lipstick Hoarding Dragon

    It sounds like it. :(
     
  20. chaoticArbiter

    chaoticArbiter an actual shiny eevee (destroyer of worlds)

    yeah :/
    especially because now it's just like "okay, you can talk to him, but you should be really passive-aggressive the whole time" and I'm just kind of like "that is the worst idea I have heard all day" and the BPD is like "yeah but you gotta do it" and I don't know what to do
     
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