Vent Colin's upset zone

Discussion in 'Brainbent' started by Everett, Mar 16, 2016.

  1. Everett

    Everett local rats so small, so tiny

    this probably doesn't deserve its own thread but idk

    so uh I'm autistic/adhd, and i feel like I'm not going to be able to keep a job and manage things on my own like apparently everyone expects me to. my parents fully expect me to take care of my older brother once they die. he's also autistic, diagnosed waaaay earlier than me and idk yeah he's gonna need the same kind of help with paperwork, scheduling, idek. he's fine doing groceries and stuff so its not a super high level of responsibility. I'm just like, um hello we are both autistic and you're expecting me to pull us both along? lol hello yes i'm the ~more capable~ one who was only diagnosed at age 18 (well okay ADHD in like, grade 1, but yeah the comparatively NT sibling)

    anyway yeah currently i feel like an idiot because i can pretty much pass for a weird neurotypical except I'm a social disaster and need tons of instructions and just wind up coming across like an especially stupid person who has really weird knowledge gaps. and this is all flaring up bc i need to find a new job after my position was ~eliminated~ last week. and I'm looking at the requirements for other jobs like, why did i get into a field that needs me to be good at social things. and even if i apply for the exact same job somewhere else, i still need to add my last job to my cover letter which is like, no. why. i hate writing shit like that, specifically for other people to get an appropriate idea of who i am, which feels like lying because I can't outright say "oh and also i'm incompetent but desperate, sorry lol please hire me"

    and this is where my brain starts going "hm so okay you're never going to do anything worthwhile, but dying is a bad idea, but like. you're actually useless. you couldn't maintain your highschool friendships past college, so that obviously means you're never going to make any more friends for the rest of your life, so like?? you're going to be alone and unemployed-but-not-supported-bc-youre-not-disabled-enough for your whoooooole life. i know this bc its true."

    anyway I'm procrastinating sorry lol
  2. Everett

    Everett local rats so small, so tiny

    i did end up fixing my resume and cover letter, with help from my mom, and applied to a few jobs. Also asked my ex-employer's competitor if I could send them a resume, they said sure, and I sent it, so that might lead somewhere.

    Also my parents and brother were planning to visit me here in late April/early May, but now its up to me to decide whether they'll be taking me back with them. We've talked briefly about how, on one hand I don't want to have to move twice, but also if I do have to move, it'll be hard for me to do it alone and also hard for them to travel all the way here again to help me. So. I guess I have to stop being a whineface and start applying for local work in addition to stuff in my field.

    I told my mom I'd apply for a retail position at a store I visited yesterday, and also told the store I might be back with a resume. And it's 1:30 and I've been dithering on Kintsugi and twitter and games and havent touched my resume to try and tailor it to a sales job. Also I'm pretty sure I'd be terrible at it? But apparently you're not supposed to pre-screen yourself like that. But it's really appealing to me as a perfectionist to just quietly not try.

    Anyway also I'm kind of avoidant re: jobs in the first place because hi, executive dysfunction and questionable social skills. It only happened once but one lady actually called me out on asking her a question and then looking at the wall past her ear while waiting for her answer. That helps me listen better but lol nope sorry you need to put on your Polite, Interested, And Neurotypical face. So I'm really conscious of the fact that apparently I'm a weird space alien who isn't very good at normal human behaviour.

    And that's enough of a textdump for now I think? This is a dumb thread I've made and I should stop procrastinating.
  3. budgie

    budgie not actually a bird

    I tried explaining my "not doing things because if I don't do it I can't screw up at it" thing to my mom and she really didn't get it.

    Also, this might sound weird, but as a person who is not good with interacting with humans, I find it easier in customer service, because there's a limited number of things expected of me: Explain product, explain sales, suggest alternatives, ask polite 'how are you?' questions. 99% of people don't care if you stare past their ear. Hell, a good quarter of my customers don't even look at me when placing their order.
    • Like x 1
  4. Everett

    Everett local rats so small, so tiny

    Trying to update my cover letter for a couple of jobs. I absolutely hate writing cover letters, because I feel like I'm objectively terrible. It sucks and is intimidating/exhausting to even think about. Idk how to re-frame stuff and structure the letter and, like, am i supposed to seem like I have a personality? Or something? Because what I can manage without wanting to kick something is "Hello yes I graduated XYZ program. I've done things A, B, and C. I'm confident that i can do the thing 4 u. thank for ur time, plz see my resume." Basically it sounds like a beaurocrat wrote it, probably because my former public service employee mom walked me through writing it. Anyway, I feel really lethargic, which is probably a sign I need to eat some protein and drink some water or something.

    also not looking forward to texting my mom that no, actually, I'm still only on the first of 3-4 jobs I'm supposed to apply for. I just don't want to bug her or disappoint her by being all "haha yeah um i continue to have the same issues with applying to jobs lol i hate cover letters and i don't think i can do anything well enough"
  5. Everett

    Everett local rats so small, so tiny

    applied for one, except it's all the way on the west coast. stalled on applying for the one in my hometown, which closes tomorrow and i'm not qualified for anyway. can i just say, i hate how i feel like i can't admit any kind of weakness because someone might dislike me for it? or hell, just do anything or say anything that might make someone dislike me. i mean, I know rejection-sensitive dysphoria is a somewhat-common thing with ADHD but i have no idea how to deal with it.

    idk i'm just thinking about that in the sense of, there isn't a... slot? For a sort-of-independent autistic/ADHD adult to fit into. My role models are: older autistic people who are already established; really exceptional autistic people who can do something well enough that it "makes up" for them being autistic; NT people my age, who idek I can't compare myself to them because I feel like an idiot; """""""low functioning"""""" people like my brother who aren't really getting by on the disability pension they get. And that's not an option even if I could qualify. My mom always brings it up like it's a failure mode, like "do you want to move back home and try and get on disability like your brother? or do you want to be independent"

    I'm scared to ask for accommodations because why in the actual hell would anyone want to hire me. I'm just a defective version of the average person my age and you're not going to get a good employee if you hire me. I mean, I guess my former boss would disagree but he doesn't actually know me. If this makes any sense at all.

    anyway, i'm just being really stupid and i'm scared of really stupid things and also i'm super frustrated with myself. this is needlessly melodramatic but you know the advice for people who are being really self-critical and harsh on themselves, "what would you say to someone else/a friend/a kid/etc in your situation?" and the idea is that it's supposed to make you realize that you wouldn't actually be calling your friend an idiot or saying your friend was worthless or whatever, and get you to ease up on yourself. meanwhile, I'm just internally yelling at myself and metaphorically/sometimes literally hitting myself? and if it was someone else having these issues I just wouldn't want anything to do with them because I don't know how to address any of it. like, okay cool you have fun hating yourself and self-sabotaging, I'm gonna go get a latte or something.

    ugh I'm okay if I have a routine or job or school or whatever, it's just getting there that's such a hurdle. i'm gonna go get groceries and probably not apply for this job because I can't see myself being any good at it, and there's literally no point in trying unless I'm ~~~~~~~~guaranteed to succeed. Why would I set myself up to fail and embarrass myself with an interview. There's no point in trying because failing is awful, succeeding is also bad because I'd have to actually try and put in effort and achieve something. And that's not happening, because I'm objectively terrible. [/pessimism]

    edit: this doesn't actually make any sense as a narrative.
    It sort of went
    • i have to make myself out to be really good at being social and outgoing for this job
    • that's a blatant lie lmao
    • buuuuut I have to say that, because that's who I have to be to get this job (which I'm not qualified for or suited to)
    • godfuck why can't I??? Just fuckn acknowledge that I'm bad at everything without someone trying to cheer me up and tell me that no I'm ~~~capable~~~ and "smart"
    • lol I hate myself, I'm an idiot and I hate myself for just going in circles around this
    • I don't want to get this job because that'd force me to go out of my comfort zone, and probably embarrass myself
    • I hate myself for being scared of stupid shit like this
    • also I'm defective and bad at everything but I can't let anyone know that or else they'll see that I'm awful
    Last edited: Apr 3, 2016
  6. Everett

    Everett local rats so small, so tiny

    i applied for like two jobs in the last couple of weeks i think? ive had two job interviews and would probably have more if i could stop being a useless idiot and actually apply for a fucking job. i'm just frustrated with myself.

    i don't want to do anything difficult or inconvenient, which is stupid. i'm mad at myself but i'm also tired. there's no point to this vent thread. it's literally just me stumbling in, rolling out a list of excuses about why i haven't actually done the things i'm supposed to do, wait around to see if anyone's paying attention to me, and then leave and resume distracting myself.

    like really there's no point though? i have no friends that i'm in contact with, i'm scared to talk to people so all i do is just.... show up and sort of hover and occasionally make a comment and never engage one-on-one. and i can't picture myself improving at anything, because i guess that's not how i think about things? so anyway this just comes out to "there is literally no future for me and all i'm going to do is entertain myself with fandom, therefore ???? but i don't want to die but like, i'm scared? of trying to work and possibly failing at things??"

    on a less pessimistic note, idk i just need help?? all i have to do is attach two files to an email, and write an email like "dear mr so-and so: i'm applying for [position] at [location]. i guess i am okay at this kind of work and i'm enthusiastic abt this position. i'm sorry that i don't have a personality. please find attached my resume and stuff. sorry. bye"

    my mom has been asking me to write this stupid fucking email since last wednesday. i get hung up on several points, such as: the position is a combination of stuff ive already done but not all at once, and is a really people-facing position which makes me anxious. i think its with a company that i've already interviewed with for a similar position at another location, and i have to email my application to the same regional person who interviewed me last time. so i feel like she knows that i'm bad at this, it's embarrassing to have to face someone who knows that you're bad at a thing. also i worry that my completely formulaic and deadpan cover letters/emails make me seem very boring, but idk if that's accurate or not. and if i was to try and make them less boring or somehow reflective of my personality i wouldn't know what to do. my personality is stupid and silly and unprofessional.

    the more recent deadline is more in line with my last job but i don't want to dig through my files to find samples of my work that the ad asks for. i just kind of hate everything that i write and i hate having to look back at any of it. i have a headache, which is probably because i'm a terrible idiot diabetic who keeps eating things and only taking my insulin after my blood sugar is already spiking. literally murder me and use the money that's being spent on my prescriptions and, i guess, pay for my funeral or something but then just give the remaining money to someone more responsible

    k bye i'm going to bed. i took the correct amount of insulin for my high blood sugar so my headache should resolve itself. i'm still mad at myself though because i do this every day and i'm ashamed to show my doctor my blood sugar records because she'll see how garbage i am at being a diabetic even though i've literally been doing this since i was 10. i've been diabetic since i was 3 but as soon as i was given the responsibility of doing my own insulin injections i've been an irresponsible idiot who's fucking up my own life. bye. sorry for shitting up my own thread. this is a garbage thread and i am a garbage person. sorry.

    edit: having calmed down some, i'm going to bed lol. also despite saying that i want attention, i wouldn't actually know what to do with it. so. not necessarily soliciting advice i guess?
    Last edited: May 16, 2016
  7. Everett

    Everett local rats so small, so tiny

    Aaaaaa I have a job interview with [big box electronics store] as a sales person and I kind of hate myself for not applying for like a cashier position instead? i have no sales exp, and everytime i have to "sell myself" ie describe my skills or what i'm ~passionate~ about, it seems like i just kind of fail? or rather, i dont know what to say, probably because im filtering out any possible answers as "not good enough/not appropriate" almost immediately. so im like "haha i have no substance to my personality, i only exist to consume entertainment in various formats hahaha but like if you tell me what to do i can probably do that?"

    whatever I have a driving lesson in 5 minutes and then my interview 3 hours after it finishes. im going to try to not screw up any further, but i keep getting caught up on how i put it off for so long that ive pretty much doomed the interview anyway. who cares!

    edit: one more thing lol
    i just want to articulate that the reason being told "stop being so critical of yourself, youre more capable than you give yourself credit for, you did xyz thing well" bugs me so much is that i interpret it as "you did that easily, its not that hard to just do the thing, you can do whatever it is you're convinced you're terrible at, because it's not actually as difficult as you're making it out to be"
    meanwhile i'm like "i did the thing but i wasn't confident at all, it doesnt't feel easily reproducible, i made stupid mistakes and why should anyone hire me rather than someone who doesn't at least hide their confusion better, stop telling me that this shouldn't be difficult" bleh i just get wound up over what i think i'm bad at (which is everything, when it actually matters how well or quickly something is done)
    Last edited: May 27, 2016
    • Like x 1
  8. budgie

    budgie not actually a bird

    I think when people say "youre more capable than you give yourself credit for, you did xyz thing well" they usually mean "you completed xyx successfully" rather than "easily and without any mistakes" and "because you do better than you think you do" rather than "because it's not actually as difficult as you're making it out to be".

    Admittedly, training yourself to process it as such is easier said than done. :|
    • Like x 1
  9. Everett

    Everett local rats so small, so tiny

    every so often, especially with job stuff, i just feel like its really not worth trying? not in a "therefore, Death" kind of way, but like i cant imagine my future. because i'm 85% useless and i want to sleep and eat and goof off all the time to distract myself from what i'm avoiding.

    it really doesnt help that the field i trained for is generally more public-facing than i want to be. i'm applying for positions that are, like if i got the job then i'd have to deal with being Oh Right The [occupation] Over At [business] and like, no i dont want to be recognizable, i dont want it to be weird if i join a queer group or something in whichever new city i move to. and yet! i hate myself and dont believe im good or fast enough for more behind-the-scenes type roles. even though thats where i want to be.

    but yeah theres another pile of reheated self pity, sorry for the mess. it kind of just gets everywhere when i stop to examine myself as a person or as a marketable commodity or w/e you call it.
    • Like x 1
  10. Everett

    Everett local rats so small, so tiny

    continued low-key unease re: applying for jobs, and being annoyed at myself for not applying, etc etc and other stuff. it's extremely boring (read: its annoying and i feel stupid for posting about it because i'm an idiot who is causing their own problems and not working on solving them, but also i want to acknowledge that it's probably annoying as hell to read about, because shuuuuuut uuuuuuup everett you are? really dumb?? shut up? also don't shittalk yourself, that just makes people think you're trying to get sympathy points, and or sometimes they feel the need to tell you that you aren't an idiot, which, shut up everett? also stop assuming like you know how other people feel about your posts? just in general, shut up?)

    hello it's me, i'm also a terrible useless diabetic who is destroying my ooooown body via my stupid decisions. why do i keep messing up so consistently. i have high blood sugars every day. at like eye exams and stuff they ask me what my blood sugars are like and i have to be like "haha, kind of bad? no so great eheh" and they're like "hm you need to get that shit fixed"

    anyway i'm an idiot and i make awful decisions and i don't want to tell doctors that i keep screwing up, i don't want to upload my insulin pump data because that will just show my doctor (who i'm not even seeing since she's in my hometown) that i'm garbage and should have my funding taken away and also die since i'm already doing such a good job of it? like, please just punch my whole body? i suck? i mean, not really. i'm not actually suicidal i just get cynical about how i'm messing everything up even though it's not that bad, its just that i'm bad at things. sorry.

    edit: oh also i'm stupid because my dad apparently is upset that i never call him. and apparently i'm his favourite, because idk my brother's weird and disappointing to him. meanwhile when i was living at home it was like, he'd get concerned and splainy about how i need to go to bed sooner, and plan all your meals and eat a balanced diet because jesus fuck, have i mentioned that my blood sugars are garbage, i'm basically murdering myself slowly at this point. anyway. but yeah we'd ignore each other except nooooo he misses me? wh??

    there's no, like, history of abuse or anything (except in that his dad was shitty to him, his siblings and my nana) its just, he cried when my mom and i had to leave him and my bro to go through security when i was flying here? which was awkward and surprising because like, dude why do you care. i'm just your kid, we just sit at our computers in different rooms and get annoyed at each other's kitchen habits. i generally don't miss people when we get separated, except my friends i guess, but like, i'm fine? if he texted maybe i would text him, but he doesn't. and i mean to talk to him about that while he was actually visiting me (when he cried again because i... something? i gave the impression that i don't care about him or didn't miss him, which, true i guess. so he was just crying in the hotel room and my brother and i were like ".....hey there's some stuff to unpack from the car i'll go get that") but i didn't. so i should probably do that. anyway this is not a short edit, it was meant to be a short edit not another huge wall of text. bleh goodnight

    another edit: dear self: you dont have to leave in everything you type, you're extremely stupid and also need to not barf your thoughts onto the internet all "haha i dont have to censor myself, lets just leave these stupid thoughts where anyone can read them, i'm not obligated to take out redundant or self-deprecating things, just expose everyone to your emotional garbage". stop being such a shit.

    third and final edit: if you keep being a shit and refusing to take people's advice or actually improve in any way, people are just going to get fed up with you until you become less irritating to be around. you'll be like "wweh i'm the worst, you shouldn't care about me" and then someone's going to say "ok yeah fine i'll come back when you can act more mature" and you'll be like "oh shit i messed up, come back i need attention to feel validated". you idiot. shut up and go to bed, you actual pile of trash.
    Last edited: Jun 2, 2016
  11. Everett

    Everett local rats so small, so tiny

    dear self: >:(
    i want to sleep and goof off on the internet all day and avoid my responsibilities. altho idk. i had that interview at [big box electronics store] and i could maybe see that going well, on the off chance that i ever get that job? itd be more Rules and less keeping up with everything in the world and understanding shit and being unscriptedly social, and more like. hey what kind of speakers do you want. what are the requirements. although definitely i'm seeing fewer problems/sources of anxiety with Sales Person Job than with applying for other iterations of the position i had earlier this year, because i haven't actually been a sales person. this is pretty consistent, i'll do a thing, feel like i'm really bad at it, and be scared of continuing to do the thing or applying for jobs related to the thing. and other, nonrelated things will seem better because i can't see all the potential issues.

    but anyway i have two jobs im supposed to apply for this weekend and hopefully i will feel less like just going to sleep once i actually go to sleep. i feel bad about being so fussy and stupid about jobs because my mom is worried about me and we've been going over this nonsense for years and shes like, "please can my kid just get a job and support themself" and i'm like, super perfectionist and scared of doing things in case i make mistakes or other people think badly of me or whatever. this is silly and i'm going to sleep.
  12. Everett

    Everett local rats so small, so tiny

    i'm frustrated with myself and also want to destroy everything??? i don't deserve anything??? like, fuck you buddy, your blood sugar is high well fuck you that's your own fault, eat food and take the correct amount of insulin because fuck waiting for your sugar to go down before throwing more sugar on the pile. fuck you, you're going to die anyway, also you made several mistakes and you're trying to force yourself to get into a career that you hate your own performance in, because you're really fucking stupid and get anxious if you're not immediately perfect at everything. so you're convinced that you're just extra-special-bad at everything, even though you have literally no idea how you're supposed to be performing so you just. assume that, even though nobody said you were doing poorly, they were all thinking it and just kind of silently frustrated at how useless you were. you're being an idiot and also airing your stupid self-indulgent blowup on the internet, which is stupid. shut the actual hell up please?

    why do i feel like i'm the worst at everything. why do i have to do anything. can i just do something and not have a bunch of anxiety about oh nooooooo im too slow or weird or something i should quit and never try this again or maybe you should literally just stop existing??? like just, quit and leave everyone to wonder where you went lol oops i just evaporated out of existence, you can stop worrying about me lol please invest your energy and resources in someone who's not awful? like, someone who wouldn't take every excuse to complain about how difficult things are. just shut the fuck up and fucking do something you actual literal garbage heap. holy fuck. fucking, dispose of me already oh my god. it's extremely boring and repetitive and i have no redeeming qualities because i guess everyone who's ever said anything positive about me is lying or wrong, because that's not totally insulting is it. "haha i hate myself therefore nothing anyone says is true unless i agree with it"

    [slam dunks self into the trash] fuck you

    eta: im not actually that angry i'm just trash talking myself and being hyperbolic. i'm not flying into a rage or having a meltdown.
    Last edited: Jun 4, 2016
  13. Everett

    Everett local rats so small, so tiny

    feeling better following a good driving lesson, and also my mom helping poke at my resume and cover letter. i need to trim the letter down into a 3 paragraph email since neither job actually requests a cover letter. does that mean i still have to do one, though? anyway, i'm tired because this was the last and Extra Long lesson so i spent a good hour and a half tensing my shoulders/neck :u

    also...bleh. i get mad at myself because i'm frustrated and anxious about stuff that i don't think i should be scared of, but i still actually am scared of, idk failing or being embarrassed. so i'm scared of stuff and mad at myself for being scared and mad at myself for complaining about it but also i just want to complain about it because it's making me anxious and uncomfortable.

    frowns loudly
    • Like x 1
  14. Everett

    Everett local rats so small, so tiny

    annoyed with myself for being so un-confident about all the shit i learned in college. like!!!!! i passed all my classes! with reasonable marks for most of them! my supervisor at my placement said i was the best intern ever?? which. argh i guess i'm doing that thing i do a lot, which is assume that everyone is way better than me and also that i'm hopeless and can't improve and also that i have to be 100% top tier skilled at something to do it.

    that makes no sense, i know, but i'm really perfectionist and anxious about things. i guess rather than just "you're a relative beginner so don't expect yourself to be perfect immeidately", it would help to hear from a supervisor or teacher or whoever: "this thing you wrote/made/did was acceptable and in fact exactly what we are expecting to see from someone with your level of experience, so don't worry about whether you're improving fast enough"

    but instead i'm like "nooooooo i could never work in commercial production, my work is hot garbage, despite generally getting decent marks, and i write too slowly and work too slowly and i hate all my ideas anyway and also, uh, ????? ive run out of evidence but just trust me, i'm awful"

    front rolls repeatedly how do i get myself to try to practice, i don't want to but i have to or else i'll just get more and more out of practice with everything [eta: i wanna clarify that production is not what i have work experience in, my mind just jumped there because its one of the things that ive written off as too difficult]

    and theres that one department/specification that we only had one class on, i think? we had rotations of it in second year but that was mostly just sit around and try to find events to go to and like, twice we were asked to come up with concepts and mine were bad (because i'm a beginner!!! having done a two-year college program makes you senior compared to people who havent graduated yet but surprise you're still! a beginner! who has to actually work and get better at stuff! stop taking "i did something inexpertly" as evidence that you're going to be awful at it forever even if you made any attempt to improve! i'm so annoyed about this!!)

    uh. anyway ive sort of mentally ruled out that entire department as a possibility, even though the entry level of that dept is probably the easiest way to get a foot in the door, so i should probably try to apply once i actually have my drivers license. which will hopefully be this thursday since my test is that morning? i'm nervous about it though.

    anyway i can't tell if my feelings of dread and inadequacy re: this entire industry is a sign that i hate it and am not suited to it? or whether its just like, yeah you're convinced that you're awful at everything soooooo. just ignore that feeling.

    i need to eat a food instead of being stupid in my dumb garbage thread in which i yell at myself. i'm tired.

    edit: like, why the hell am i not using the adobe subscription that my mom is still paying for, take some songs from my library or just find some new way to get songs for free in a post-YoutubeToMP3 era, and just do a mashup. you idiot. if you can be good at those then at least thats something? like really just. put them on your not-realname soundcloud and link them on kintsugi and maybe someone will enjoy them? make a thing for fun.
    Last edited: Jun 7, 2016
  15. Everett

    Everett local rats so small, so tiny

    i made some statuses about this already but! i officially earned my full drivers license today and got a verbal job offer for the position i interviewed for yesterday. supposed to be emailed to me Friday, along with benefits info since thats super important for someone with as many prescriptions as I have. altho this time i didnt get called in the middle of a low blood sugar for a phone interview, so i haven't "outed" myself as diabetic before anything is signed, so far lol.

    im anxious about the job? this is very similar to my last job but i always did field stuff as part of a team, and this job would be doing that by myself. also im bound to meet former colleagues, like, multiple times per week out in the field so... i have to Be Strong and probably just make a facebook status once its official. also apparently this job is super busy! but the supervisor said hes comfortable with my level of experience sooooo hopefully i dont fall on my face and die

    things to do:
    • groceries (i have nooooo ready to eat granola bar type snacks, which are key for lunchfood and throw-into-purse food for like, rescue snacks.)
    • i'm bad at tucking in button-up shirts, why did i have mom send me two of mine for work, i never wear them, i need... a summerweight cardigan or something to throw over t-shirts and make them somewhat work-appropriate
    • god are tunics office-appropriate? i like tunics but i only have one. im going to have to go back to the mall at the next opportunity, even though i was just there and only ended up buying some shorts for under possible future skirt/dress
    • need to research the areas im going to be dealing with that i wasnt responsible for before, like he said they wont just throw me in with no prep but i should make sure i know something.
    • wash dishes....
    • think about getting a new bag maybe but probably shouldnt
    • same with shoes, my nice shoes are soft leather and i worry about them being outside (when i say "in the field" i mean, going to things that are indoors and sometimes outdoors, not like. in the middle of a forest or something. but my comfy sketchers outdoor shoes are very much sneakers and may look inappropriate idk)
    • oh god i'm still so bad at parking in parking lots and i'm going to have to drive a company vehicle D:
    • insert picture of a cute dog
    • Like x 1
  16. Everett

    Everett local rats so small, so tiny

    i start next wednesday oh jeez

    i have to be up at like 430 and ready to taxi to work at like 530 on weekends and bus to work later in the morning on weekdays

    im anxiety slash really tired about my own lack of confidence. gotta work hard to not embarrass myself. and how do i make a fb post re: new job? "excited to start working at (place) next week"?

    im convinced that if people at my old job think about me, its to be disgusted/amused at how stupid and weird and inefficient i was. and i keep imagining specific people being like "shes working there now? pshhh okay sure you can have her, shes an idiot"

    im underslept and hungry
  17. Everett

    Everett local rats so small, so tiny

    I'm just alternately worrying about work and about the fact that whoops how am I going to come out at all ever?

    i mean, i think if i can get started off well and not screw up too badly then I can get better at handling people/assignments on my own at work. its just the beginning part thats making me really nervous

    as well, ive been giving Cai as my name for small stuff like drink orders lately

    but after a few hours of shopping, telling the changeroom attendant like "Cai, C-A-I" and then wandering over to the starbucks like i mentioned in the gender yay thread, i kind of realized that uh oops I dont know if i should use it at work? it can maybe fly under the radar as a derivative of my real name but like, this is the same industry as the job i left. what if i introduce myself to someone in the field and one of my former coworkers is there too like "??? how do you get Cai from {realname} and if its a nickname why are you just going by that now? where was that name when you were working at {place}?" plus on official things i have to introduce myself with my real name to have consistency with my past work

    so whats the point

    i mean i can try being like "hi i'm {realname}, Cai for short" to new coworkers but they know my old coworkers and what if they try to be like "so Cai started working for us" and old coworkers are like "who??"

    anyway! anyway. gender is silly and im kind of scared to go to pride after i start new job because lol My Reputation
  18. Everett

    Everett local rats so small, so tiny

    this isnt even venting, im just blogging my bland life updates rn
    impulsively went to the mall and got some pants that are probably good but also i got two cardigans and two scarfs that dont.... work with my existing wardrobe really? gently lies down on the floor. i need to go to bed in like an hour and im probably just going to go back to the mall on thursday and return stuff. i'm A Fool who didn't plan anything about my outfits beyond "well ive got black and grey and white, and uh, blue??" whatever I'm tired
  19. Everett

    Everett local rats so small, so tiny

    Blergh I need to clarify some things with my boss to make sure I understand things

    But it's the classic dilemma of whether needing to ask so many things will reflect well on me because I'm making sure to get things right, or poorly because I shouldn't have to ask.

    like I posted in the walk in freezer thread about how i got a ticket on the work car, but i didnt mention that last night i had the car going to a really long meeting. that i had to leave early. and my notes are basically useless because my recordings didn't take, for unknown reasons, because I wanted to use the new equipment that nobody has tried to do that particular form of recording with. so i left early because I had to borrow a cord from someone who left early, and he took it back when he left.

    that led me to believe that there was no point in staying because i had to write up at least what I had gotten so far, except i got none of it and I don't know what specifically went wrong. boss is okay with it, but like, wow i look dumb and incompetent and i left early. hell i should have taken a super short recording, asked someone to do a sound check with one of the speakers' mics, and listened back to it. and i wouldve found that it wasnt working, and recorded off my phone instead because I think that mightve worked? and now i look like an idiot for not moving the car despite being told, no dont put it there. but I just was like "oh it needs more gas" with the implication "someone else can take it to get filled before we get a ticket so its fine that I didnt't put anything in the metre" and instead of articulating that i just assumed he'd got it.

    and i just asked "so am i good to go" and he was like yeah so I just left. i'm disappointed in myself and i didn't like that meeting anyway, everyone else was more experienced and I'm like "haha I don't know what half this paperwork is for?" but of course i can't ask any of them, that would remind them that I don't know what I'm doing. I know it's probably not true but I find myself just assuming that when I do something i'm not confident in, they'll notice AND think less of me for it. like when former coworker said "it's good to see you back in [line of work]" i just assumed that means "hi, you're stupid"

    which is rude and uncharitable of me.
  20. Everett

    Everett local rats so small, so tiny

    dusts this thread off

    btw work is ok, i get nervous when i have to do a certain thing but i need to get better about that

    and stop spending so much money holy shit?? im around a good few places to spend money so i just keep getting lattes on the way into work (since the bus gets me there half an hour early) i should go back to buying instant latte mixes and just make that at work. and stop buying dinner after work because holy shit i havent looked at how much thats costing me. i could have saved.... ok so latte yesterday, then 20 bux for a pita+smoothies, and the day before i got an iced latte and then a sandwich after work. drinks are like $6 with tip, so that's 32 +4 for sandwich, whee and then there's the 12-14$ taxi on weekends. so from saturday to yesterday ive spend about 58 dollars. shit.

    i need the spoons to wash the rest of my dishes, and plan lunches, and pack them. this would be so much easier if i had a dishwasher, i can do all the stuff involved with loading and emptying a dishwasher. or rather i can do it with less prompting.

    hm also none of my gender things are real since i can't articulate them. they don't even cause any real problems so there's no justification for me to go on about being nb since like my nonsense is just being cis but weird.

    like its not that i have a definite sense of being not cis

    i just have a vague sense of not cis, and no body related dysphoria afaik

    theres kind of no point in telling anyone lol

    idk i'm being an idiot with my diabetes and that's probably why i feel bad. please harvest my organs and tissues and distribute them to people who will appreciate them? i just want to lie down and consume sweet beverages and watch funny videos and knit this headband. ok that's definitely just a high blood sugar sapping my energy.

    aaaaand one last thing, how do i social on here. i occasionally contribute to threads other than the general yay or nay or annoying you threads but like? i don't think i have a presence here, i assume nobody sees something thats relevant to my fandoms and goes "ah everett would like that" because i don't participate enough to actually leave an impression
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