Discussion in 'Brainbent' started by Everett, Mar 16, 2016.
I got new glasses yesterday and i got them adjusted 4 or 5 times
the optician says they fit right and i basically have to get used to them but at this point i'm really frustrated
I have to resist the urge to adjust them every 2 seconds because they sit differently than my old ones
And i actually have to hold my phone at what i guess is an appropriate distance from my face for it to be in focus. I guess i'll get used to that but right now i hate it
My brother is a good person but he makes some kind of noise every 10 seconds or whatever. Its frustrating.
I already hit myself in the leg a bunch because i'm really wound up
Also my counsellor doesnt know that i had to reschedule my surgery but we only have a limited number of sessions so idk if i want to move my next appt closer
But last time as we were finishing up she wanted me to like do a mindfullness thing basically, and i said sure unless its one of those where i have to relax or somethin
And duh that was what it was, you have to like. Focus on what youre feeling physically which is just really unappealling
I'm not comfortable doing that and i don't even see the point.
And when i said i don't want to do that she suggested one where you uhh identify what emotion youre feeling. bad, uncomfortable, you changed the result by asking me to do this so now its just "i don't know???????? bad???" And apparently it doesnt matter if i'm wrong which ironically makes me MORE uncomfortable! If i dont have to be accurate then why am i doing this!!! I can just say anything to get to the end of this!
And then once youve looked too closely at your emotional state you get to, idk, probably something about saying one thing you see, smell, hear, and feel, which again i don't understand why thats important
Anyway i should stop focusing on this and take my meds and eat dinner
Also making typos on my phone continues to be frustrating. Like yeah ok just fucking garble everything i'm trying to say, thanks
i feel better now that ive eaten and taken my meds. My glasses are still not as good as my old ones but whatever i can see if any of the places where i live will agree to adjust them (theyre all different chains than the place i got them from while visiting my parents)
puts face in hands
im not Allowed to be attracted to anyone
By which i mean i'm like, oh hm how about you stop...looking for videos of this musician. Don't do that. It's creepy because he's a person and also probably 20-25 years older than you.
Hey do u ever feel like ur only like 3/8ths of a human because theres so much shit you don't understand or try to understand
Like dating or anything beyond confusedly thinking "hes a nice looking guy"
anyway i'm tired and i don't want to be at work
I feel less doom & gloom after having eaten
Still eyerolling at my crush on like every ok looking skinny white dude with a certain look
I left the trans support group after it finished and like immediately started feeling bad
Probably because of a combination of not enough sleep, i have to pee but instead i drove around, my blood sugar is high and i only took insulin for iy like half an hour ago, work is garbage, its cold, idk
Im about to eat a food, my blood sugar is much better, so im feeling better
aggressively tests blood sugar
Fuck you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCKING TEST YOUR FUCKING BLOOD SUGAR I HATE YOU
You know its a good night when you start hitting yourself in the face because you're useless garbage!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fucking do your work you actual fucking garbage??????????? You deserve to be immediately murdered??????????? Fuck you
Healthy coping mechanisms!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The work is fucking done
I feel better but im really bad at many things, including uhhh
Coping with doing work i dont like
I just put it off like im in a waiting room and i have to pass time until the unappealing part is over
I GUESS thats bad but also doing interesting not-work things is appealing
How the fuck do you actually learn to delay rewards it sounds like it sucks in the short term but is probably less of a disaster in the medium and long term
At trans group last week the leader for that meeting mentioned that they have a rule now that if you put yourself down everyone else gets to tell you youre wrong or something like that
On the one hand i get it and that sounds healthy
On the other, fuck you im gonna emotionally beat myself up and i dont care if you dont like it, fuck off
Like that ralsei quote thats like "dont be so mean to yourself, thats my friend youre talking about"
Well so-rreeeeee, im allowed to punch myself because i suck and i dont care if you want me to stop
The meeting rule will probably actually keep me from saying shit out loud because i know im not Supposed to be negative and its gonna make me frustrated if im sitting there and everyone is like "youre super wrong actually"
Like being told "youre a very smart and capable young person" has resulted in me yelling at my mom because No, if you say that then youre fuckin.....denying my difficulties or something, like that gets translated to "this shouldnt be so difficult for you"
example of bad coping loop
be negative => recognize youre being negative but dont actually want to stop indulging in that => criticize yourself for not having the Right feelings => make some kind of correction but its just you tearing yourself down and saying "heres what you should have done, idiot"
so you just beat yourself up for being negative and also manage to still be rude to people who are trying to help, and demonstrate that you know what you should have done but not actually doing it
Like knocking something on the floor and then going "i should pick that up" and then you just dont
Now i wouldnt say my parents were abusive but they dont get along that well sometimes
So this makes sense in context of that
(Draws line btwn this and being uneasy when friends are arguing)
Like my 2 friends who are married, in december during the border trip that turned into Shit, they had a super brief disagreement on the drive back. I think a deer was in the road, Friend 1 stopped, friend 2 had some sort of objection to some part of this, and i was mentally like Oh Ok Its Big Argument Time
Bc with my parents when that happens, specifically in the car, my dad will usually like not drop the topic for a while
He'll be like "why did u do that/do that that way" or "why dont you GO??" And mom will be like "because i cant SEE around this other car" snd dad will like, insist HE can see fine so she can GO and shell be like Well Youre Taller So Obviously We Have Different Viewpoints
And dad will continue for several minutes being like "well you should have xyz and you dont have to Shriek" etc etc and sometimes i would get fed up and say that the moment was over so can we drop it
And so i was on some level surprised that my friends basically had such a brief exchange
Also when im at their place and friend 2 is like "i asked 1 to wash the cutting board but they didnt" while friend 1 is like in the room and im like......why am i being Told this like youre mildly venting To me About them theyre Right There
Or "i always tell 1 to do xyz thing and they dont" and im like Oh Ok They Cant Stand Each Other
Even tho im p sure thats not true, i just autocomplete that moment into "they dont like how the other does things and they resent each other and both thinks theyre the only one who does enough cleaning"
relatedly, one time i was over at their house and they started moving some furniture while i was still watching youtube on their chromecast (what we usually do when i go over, aside from just talking and playing with the cats)
It was Uncomfortable because moving furniture is Stressful and i was just like....sitting there and there wasnt really room for me to help so i was like People Are Mad And Im Not Helping
Anyway so for my comfort im gonna try not to stay too long at their place because of that and i have some anxiety about overstaying my welcome (weve talked about that and they will just straight up tell me if they would like me/everyone to clear out, But Still)
Edit: no hard feelings but the time i vented in the annoyances thread about being nervous about accepting food, and responses were like "Actually its Rude to Not accept food ;)"
I understand the intention but that didnt actually help? Im not going to actually bring it up with the people who responded, because they were trying to help and its been months since then so its old stuff
But like No do not give me conflicting rules, i think i already have some of those wrt Theyre Being Nice But I Cant Take Food Away From Them/Also I Want Food
I dont want to be in this job
Everything happens too much
Edit: rest of this post deleted because idk i wanted to
edit: i blanked this post
everything happens too much
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