ok so i honestly cant deal anymore. everything about living at home and going to school is making me suicidial. the only reason i hang in is because maybe the future will be better and temporary happy moments. im so fucking scared, what if i never get to move out? what if i end up broke and homeless because i dont have the brain neccesseary to complete standard education? i flinch when i go downtown incase my parents see me, i am constantly walking on eggshells and validating their feelings and im honestly just terrified at this point. i feel extremely hopeless and as if i cant be my own person. literally every action i have up intil how i word this letter is based off of their potential reaction. im scared of walking around incase i get seen, im scared of showing my interests incase i get deemed bad, im scared of coming out about trauma and sexuality, im just fucking scared and living like this is basically fucking my recovery. school is also hell and i honesly dont even attend it if it werent for not wanting to be isolated again. i only show up to like 50% of my classes and it really pisses me off because i could actually be improving my mental health or getting a job to save up, but instead i waste my spoons sitting in a classroom with no friends and people literally throwing stuff at me and screaming i fucking hate it so much. i feel like recovering is vital to finishing school, and that moving out is vital to recovery, but to move out you need to finish school so you can get a job and its just a complicated mess basically im desperate as hell. ive never had a safe haven where i felt SAFE, i dont think i have gone a single day in my life without anxiety about stuff at home or feeling at risk and thats not gonna change until i get a place i feel i actually have a voice and autonomy in. im so fucking scared and i feel trapped, the only comfort i have is maybe being able to move out later but even then i dont have too much faith considering the climate of the world right now. the idea of feeling safe is literally so absurd to me it took me years of disbelief before i realized it was an actual thing Normal people did, and its hard to imagine myself earning enough on my own to be able to fill several packs of groceries even tho thats my end goal
no the school is actually one of the better schools ive been to (but considering one was basically anarchy with bloody fights all the time and the other was extremely rigid with a literal execution chamber in the attic just lying around after ww2 and that poured cement over the sand bin to make it safer that may not be much) the teachers are really good at accommodating for my needs and i have very blunt honest dialoge with them. they are also some of the nicest and most approachable teachers ive met tbh, the issue is that the students in my class likes throwing stuff around and causing mayhem (its not intentional when it hits, but when youre juggeling food and water bottles in the air it sometimes happens) and i kid you not, almost every day someone screams for no reason, theres a trend where people bring expensive super bass speakers to blast rap in the middle of the classroom. the school is nice but the class is migraine fuel and i tend to want aspirin at the end of the day Im thinking of those tests.. is it like you take a test and then youre excemt from the class cause youve proven youre good enough at it? my neighbor talked about that a lot, i think hes done it twice, and i sure believe in self education. i actually learned most of my english from the internet and playing minecraft, (at some point my english teacher got replaced by a survivalist and oh god what was wrong with my old school) and im self educated in all the stuff im actually passionate about. Im more worried about legal resumes and stuff. like i dont know how "quit after 10th grade" looks on a CV
that sounds pretty neat, ill look more into it! also yeah education is in general not optimal but they are already doing a lot on the sidelines and we are working hard on it
