+1 to the "sounds like depression bro" Most other people aren't feeling and thinking the way you are, because their brain chemistry is behaving. The mechanisms behind motivation and feelings have been broken in my brain as long as I can remember, and the difference since I started taking medication to fix the imbalance? WOW. Previous to the prescription I would lie on the floor and think of all the things I should be doing (hey what if you got up and did that essay? What if you shifted so your numb arm doesn't suffer nerve damage?) but when I got past the few weeks of sleeplessness and jitters, I COULD roll over and like, sit up. I'm not sure I got that essay done ever though. Progress is incremental and difficult.
I'm sorry if this is a very prying question, but why do you think that can't be your problem? Just because it sounds like an excuse and what you need is a solution? Personally, I've never found that brainweird makes much of an excuse, but sometimes it can make it easier to find solutions. I guess we can assume you've already tried the handful of well-known depression home remedies (going outside, getting exercise, getting vitamin d, if you haven't tried these yet try them now), but what the solution is that you should try from here really depends on what the problem is. I'm having trouble imagining you not being depressed, but I can't tell if you're depressed and one symptom is that your motivation went away or if you have some other problem making you not have executive function anymore & that's upsetting you. If the motivation problem is the thing that came first and is making you feel hopeless because you can't do what you want to do, then it might be ADHD or something. But it could bejust a symptom of depression. It sounds like you're worried about talking to a shrink about this, in case they have you committed. in that case, you're limitedin what you can do, but think about this: is motivation to go and do things something you've always struggled with, something you sometimes have a problem with even when happy and energetic? Are you autistic or have you been dx'd ADHD? If either of those is the case, you might (this really isn't going to be a perfect answer, I might be wrong, I'm answering from limited info, etc, but if you were to answer yes to either or both of those then I'd assume you do) have a problem with executive function & be miserable because of it, in which case you should work on strategies to be more functional despite your disability. (For some people, lists & schedules help. Not for everyone, though. For some people, getting reminders might help.) But if this is something new & sudden & the feelings of alienation&c happened at the same time, then I really think it's depression, which is a reason, not an excuse. The things you can try (depending on where you are) that don't require talking to a shrink if you're scared to do thatinclude: go outside take vitamin d (remember to take a little fat with your fat-soluble vitamins so your body can use them, just wash down your pills with whole milk, or if you can't take pills try those gummy candy vitamins but take them with fat, also you can dose pretty far above the RDA, into the thousands of IU, your body will just store it for later) b vitamins st john's wort (you'll be on your own here for looking up the extensive drug interaction list & dosing info, but spoiler, if you're not on anything else yet, you probably arent' on anything it interacts with...probably... works faster than you'd expect from an ssri, much shorter half-life) lightbox exercise That's kind of also a list of things you don't really have themotivation to do, but if you can manage to get out of the catch-22 through willpower you won't need to use as much willpower to keep going later. & it's not completely different from things that help some other mental illnesses, if you have one. (If this is a physical illness, the most likely candidates are hypothyroid & vitamin d or b deficiency, I think.) If none of tat works, then you know what not to keep bothering with! If you decide it's time to see a shrink, then if you're concerned about ending up in a psych ward, the big thing is to make it clear to your shrink that you are not suicidal & that you are still eating & drinking every day, & that you are miserable but you have so much to live for. Whether that's true or not doesn't matter if you're sure youneed to avoid getting committed.
Important note about St John's Wort is that it does interfere with some pill-based birth controls. Other things too, but that's a really common interaction to check.
It's worth at least seeing a counsellor or psych as soon as you can, and keep the number of a suicide hotline available and call them immediately if you're feeling any kind of suicidal. The big national hotline here doesn't call ambulances directly but they will forward info to emergency services, it might help you if that decision is left to someone else.
For future reference, the planning stage is when therapists and psychiatrists will send someone to the hospital. If you have a plan that includes a method, that's when you go in. If you've gone through with any of the preparations for the plan, including getting things ready or writing the note, that's the kind of emergency people are immediately hospitalized for.
If you're consistently at the planning stage, I imagine getting worse means you know, implementing them. If say take that suicide note and any plans you've written down to your therapist. You seem to be minimising it even here so you likely came off as more light hearted than you meant when telling them.
When asked "How often do you think about suicide?" the non-mentally ill answer is "Basically never." What you are describing is a symptom of a very serious and life threatening illness that needs to be treated. You absolutely should be talking to someone about this, and if your therapist let you leave his office knowing that you had a plan and had started preparing to carry it out he is in violation of the law and honestly should lose his license. Immediate hospitalization is for immediate threats, so waiting for it to get worse could land you in the hospital on an involuntary basis. It would be much better if you addressed these suicidal impulses while they're "low" so to speak. You're likely in need of a better therapist, a diagnosis or two (I didn't read the original post, it'd been deleted, so I don't know if you have a diagnosis), and some medication.
I can recommend the site 7cupsoftea. It helped me a lot when I was in a similar situation to what you've described.
