Do I Have This Or Something Else???

Discussion in 'Braaaaiiiinnnns...' started by VintageBear, Jul 27, 2017.

  1. VintageBear

    VintageBear Active Member

    This can be moved if this is in the wrong place, but I need some advice because I think I have burdened my inner circle of friends enough with my misery.

    I have always known that I have enough symptoms to get a reasonable diagnosis of Depression and Anxiety.

    I am also viscerally aware that many of my symptoms overlap significantly with Cluster B and C personality disorders.

    But because of recent events and retrospective rumination on past events, I'm now not totally uncertain I have BPD in some capacity? When I look at the criteria for all the B and C disorders, BPD fits most every time.

    But because I miss two of the more distinct symptoms, I wonder if I'm just trying too hard to fit into a label.
     
  2. VintageBear

    VintageBear Active Member

    1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

    2. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterised by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

    3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

    4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g. spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). This does not include suicidal or self-harming behaviour.

    5. recurrent suicidal behaviour, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behaviour.

    6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood - intense feelings that can last from a few hours to a few days.

    7. chronic feelings of emptiness.

    8. inappropriate intense anger or difficulty controlling anger.

    9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideas or severe dissociative symptoms
    I show symptoms 1,3,6, 7and 9 really clearly.

    Symptom 2 is fuzzy because while I have trouble keeping some relationships, it's more paranoia based than ones I actively seek to destroy. I think I don't deserve these relationships because I feel so broken. So I perceive this as a problem on maintaining interpersonal relationships.

    Symptom 4 and 5? I don't think I am a danger to myself or others. I don't physically harm myself, but I have an alarming sense of suicide ideation that drains my energy so much. Only thing that keeps me from carrying out anything is because I don't want to he seen as an attention seeking coward. Also I tend to eat as a coping mechanism and feel anxious if I don't have it?? I have had overweight issues all my

    I guess I have problems like symptom 8 but I internalize all my feelings that my emotions vascillate so much that I can he angry one moment then inconsolable, and then embarassed that I bother to be mad about pointless stuff.

    I avoid public outbursts, and much of my negative outbursts are often centered around myself and my inability to seem normal and how I want to be perceived.

    I feel like the identity I have for myself is not believable. How can I be caring, supportive and understanding when I feel so unstable? Is everything I say and do a lie????

    God. I wish I knew what to look for with regard what to research...
     
  3. VintageBear

    VintageBear Active Member

    Even if I am fully aware of someone going through a bad mood, I feel useless when that person feels strongly enough that they have to avoid me to take care of themselves.

    I choose to be angry about something before I sit down and think about my feelings, and even after I know rational solutions, the anger sits in the back of my mind like putrid garbage.
     
  4. VintageBear

    VintageBear Active Member

    I frequently feel like I'm not good enough for my friends? Despite evidence on the contrary, and despite the stable friendships I have spanning years, I am always scared that one day I will feel....not needed? Not wanted.

    I feel like my interests are too different, and I feel bad for not jumping on the same bandwagons as everyone else. I feel like they tolerate my interests rather than actually enjoy hearing me ramble.

    I love my friends and want them to be happy, but I am afraid of them leaving me for good. I have trouble coming to the reality that they can be happy without me in their life. I wouldn't dream of genuinely guilt tripping them.

    But sometimes it makes me feel hopeless. and it makes me wish that I could be more rational. I perceive long periods of silence as abandonment.

    I perceive my friends labeling others as their best friends as abandonment, even tho I know people can have more than one bff.

    How can I tell my friends I want to hang out with them more without feeling like I am constantly guilt tripping them. Either I come off as needy, or my observance comes off as creepy noseyness.

    I feel so pathetic and unworthy of anything since no one ever wants to desperately hang out with me like I do with people.
     
  5. VintageBear

    VintageBear Active Member

    I have no intention or desire to start arguments or physical encounters. I fantasize about it. Play out situations in my brain over and over and over. Sometimes I shout and scream at the people I want to resolve my inner issues with.

    But I still feel the same guilt as I would of I were to compulsively make my feelings known to them.
     
  6. Tea and Rain

    Tea and Rain angry squirrel

    I think there is value in self dx and these are topics worth discussing with a therapist. If it is useful for you to use a self dx, I see no reason not to use it. I am kind of cluster By. Here's some things I use. Some may be helpful, some might not.

    Dialectical behavior therapy for me has helped with communication skills. There are a bunch of free resources for that online. I think googling the acronym dear man and googling pro con squares might be useful for you. Mindfulness is also something you may find useful. Progressive muscle relaxation for me was hard. it was doing but only in small controlled slices.

    I read an essay that compared maintaining friendships as an introvert to maintaining muscles. so are self soothing skills.
     
    • Informative x 1
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