So I went to the doctor, got confirmation that I have pcos, which I've been thinking for a few years now, and now am working on treating that, so that's cool. But I also found out I might be/probably am pre-diabetic? And like now I'm low key freaking out. Because whoo-hoo confirmation that I'm fat and that it's actually affecting my health so I don't have that excuse anymore. And it almost makes me feel like shit because I feel like now it's my fault that I'm sick? Because I don't eat right or exercise and shit. And like it sucks because I know I need to and everyone's on me about it but I just don't WANT to. I have a hard time with exercise because it's so guilt laden and then plus depression it's just so shitty. And everyone's like "oh exercise helps with depression" and I'm like, thanks I fucking know that, but before it can help, it makes it worse, so no thank you??? Like I want to get back into swimming because that's exercise I enjoy and doesn't hurt me the way running does and it's just all around great. But there's just so much EFFORT that I'll have to put in before I can even get into the water and that just weighs me down until I can't do it. And then with dieting... I'm afraid to diet because I'm scared of developing an unhealthy relationship with food and I'm already getting anxious about everything I'm eating and I liked not caring and not worrying because it was safe and now it's just one more thing to be anxious and like obsess over and I can't. To top this all off, my mom's really depressed because she's really sick and they can't seem to figure out what's wrong with her exactly, just that she has a really bad iron deficiency and I think like low blood in general? But it makes her tired and dizzy and groggy all the time. And she's the same as me wrt weight (tho she hasn't had bad blood sugar levels), but because she's sick, she CAN'T actually get up an exercise. And like now she feels anxious and guilty about this too and we can't help each other because we're just pulling each other down (yes I know, pretty co-dep but eh). And so yeah I can't really look to her to be supportive rn because I don't want her to feel worse than she does. And mostly it's just the feeling like shit because 'I did this to myself' or something. like it's probably not even that bad and I'm overreacting, but it's like the dread of having to change my routines and stuff. I think? I don't really know. We are gonna try to exercise more and maybe between the two of us we'll actually get off our butts and do it? but who knows. This all feels really dumb to post, but I'ma do it anyway. Sorry?