Hey. Two of the three people I've had sex with in my life are rape/sexual assault survivors and I'm (with the latest one, specifically) having a lot of trouble bc there's this person I care so much about that other people have repeatedly hurt and there's nothing I can do about it So instead I'm obsessing over the one sexual encounter in his life I did have control over, that being the one with me, and I keep feeling like I messed up. Like I didn't make it clear enough to him that I wanted to make him feel good, you know? And I didn't mean to be selfish in any way I didn't I just...having sex with a person with a penis was a brand-new experience for me and I sensory overloaded and got a little nonverbal and a lot passive and I keep thinking that maybe if I hadn't he wouldn't have, to use his descriptor, 'shut down'. But I don't know if I should or even want to bring this up with him? I just feel really confused and helpless and I definitely don't want to talk with him about that bc I never ever want to make what's obviously already a huge trauma for him about me Last night I woke up at four in the morning bc I had a nightmare that someone touched my baby sister and i couldn't reason it away. Couldn't think 'oh that won't happen to her' couldn't even convince myself she'd necessarily tell me if it did bc here's this wonderful wonderful person and I can't separate the decisions he made in his life from the decisions she's made or is making. Like, he didn't do anything wrong, he didn't make any mistakes and while i logically already knew that sexual assault has nothing to do with 'making mistakes' I guess I didn't viscerally know that until now. thoughts?