eP yells about emotions

so I figured journaling would probably be cathartic or something and also a good way to track my emotional state, but I also figured journaling plus possible input from others would be extra good. so. voila. as this is sort of a "write about things in my life" thread rather than a dedicated vent thread, there is gonna be excited happy spam in here, but I do have my bad days occasionally. I'll try to put really negative stuff under cuts with content warnings so people won't be blindsided.

anyway, today's topic: how depression has made me into an incredibly delicate flower and how that is very annoying. for instance, I lowkey cried (that is, choked up, eyes watering, occasional tear) for forty-five minutes during my ballet class today because my brain decided that I was a terrible dancer and therefore an utter failure. yes, brain. very reasonable. brain's arguments included:

Spoiler: self-hate I guess

• you can't even learn this frappe combination, you idiot! you're so lazy!
• look at how much better everyone else is! you're so terrible!
• the teacher keeps coming over to correct your posture! he obviously hates you and thinks you're not trying!
• you're not trying hard enough!! this isn't actually that hard!!!
• how many times have you tried to do this?? how many times have you messed it up???
• you can't even concentrate on more than one thing at once!
• you're such a shitty, terrible person.
• oh my god, you're crying? how oversensitive can you get?
• you're never going to be good at this!!! you're just terrible and you should give up!

I mean, I actually am a bad dancer. like, this is my fourth term taking this class, and I still make mistakes all the time. I think it might be some kind of dyspraxia, actually? perhaps as a component of the Sperg Comorbidity Package? I've never been coordinated or athletic, I can't tell my left from my right, and I have no idea where my body is unless I can see it. and, like, I know what I should be doing, and I'm like, "okay, body, do the thing," and my body's like "no!!! fuck you!!!" I do also have problems with verbal/visual instruction—like, if I see someone demonstrating a dance move it's very hard for me to just copy them, I have to break it down into steps, and mentally chanting those steps does help a little. but yeah, it's frustrating. but it is really not my fault, I am trying very hard, and my teacher even took me aside to say that he really appreciates my work ethic but I need to stop beating myself up over my mistakes. which was very kind of him, but not... really helpful at all, tbh, because I know that self-hate spirals are disordered thinking, I just. can't stop thinking them.

and to think the other day I was all, "wow, I think my self-esteem is better!" ha. hahahaHAhaha.

anyway, easily triggered self-blame attacks plus anxiety going "WHAT IF THAT TERRIBLE THING HAPPENED" mean I get upset way more than I used to, which in turn makes me more upset, because I hate being upset. bluh. I'm less depressed than I was and consequently crying less, but still. it's annoying.

 

oh boy, someone in my dorm is making out with someone with the room door open! man, it sure would be unfortunate if that made anyone passing by uncomfortable. or sad about the fact that no one has ever kissed him and no one has shown signs of wanting to! haha. that sure would suck.

 

blerrrrgh my mother became ~concerned~ with my nutrition and told my dorm supervisor about it and I had to go talk to the dining staff. I mean, to be fair, my nutrition is actually kinda concerning, and she totally meant well, but still. talking to people. talking to people to ask them to accommodate me. nooooo thanks. and the thing is, like, it's not even that I have an allergy or something like that. it's just that because of texture/taste sensitivity I'm a really picky eater. so I feel super presumptuous asking people to "get me food because I don't like what you have!!!", but, I mean. by "picky eater" I actually meant "will gag on anything I don't like and also on things I do like depending on if I chew them slowly enough, and then sometimes vomit," so it's not as much of a choice as "picky" implies. but I was doing fine before this! sure, I wasn't using the dining hall at all, but I was getting enough calories, etc. but now people'll be after me all the time about it. >:(

 

ahaha remember when I said this thread would have happy stuff in it. well. apparently my mood is doing a meltdown this week or something, because here I am unreasonably upset! again! I mean, this thread is still very useful for tracking moods over time, but yeah, I'm not digging its negative bias. :/

anyway, here's what the seething pile of neuroses that I call a brain decided to take a shit on me for today:

so I'm vice-president of this club at my school, right, and it's called MIND, for "Mental Illness and Neurological Diversity," and it's basically supposed to be a space for talking about mental illness in an environment that stigmatizes it elsewhere. and we had our first meeting last Friday, and I thought it went great! there was a good turnout and almost everyone shared some of their opinions or experiences, and I really enjoyed the discussion that took place. but the two presidents had a meeting with me and our faculty advisor tonight to discuss some "concerns" they had before this week's meeting. and me being me I was all "OH MY GOD 'CONCERNS' YOU MUST'VE FUCKED UP BIG TIME," and then I did what I do whenever my brain starts catastrophizing, which is going, "nah, you're being paranoid, stop worrying about it." and most of the time that's true, and thus a very good thing for me to tell myself. but this time the concerns really were about my behavior.

the presidents started off saying some vague shit about how we the club leaders should keep in mind that we want to create a space for discussion where people feel comfortable sharing their experiences, and I was like, "uh-huh... maybe tell me some ways to actually make people comfortable???" because how do social. I did feel like they were vagueblogging a little bit—as in making indirect references to things I'd done when talking about what to change—but again, I assumed that was normal society anxiety background noise. but then the faculty advisor stepped in and was like, "okay, I think you guys are talking around the issue, you said you wanted to discuss what Alex should do differently in meetings" (Alex being me), and basically it turns out that a) I was being insensitive as all hell and shutting people down by means of b) being a huge pedant about terminology (as far as I remember, someone referred to dementia as a mental illness and after she was finished talking I was like, "side note, dementia isn't actually a mental illness, it falls under the 'Neurological Diversity' sort of stuff," and she was like, "oh, okay") and telling people that their ideas were impractical (in the context of an icebreaker we were doing with people saying what kind of tree they would have if they could have a tree that grew anything; people were saying things like "Justin Bieber" and "world peace" and when it was my turn I was like "I'm kind of worried about the logistics of some of these???", which I thought was sufficiently humorous to be socially acceptable). oh, and also being too technical by mentioning my diagnoses when we were talking about our reasons for being at the meeting, although they appreciated my "passion."

and, I mean. they were really nice about it, and I really appreciate the fact that they pointed out mistakes I'd made instead of kind of just stewing on them and assuming that I knew they were mistakes and just didn't care, which is something a lot of people do. but I started crying and continued to do so for like half an hour anyway, partially because I am just a very delicate flower who takes criticism too much to heart and partly because, like. this is a recurring theme in the mistakes I've made. I either am too enthusiastic about something and make people uncomfortable (i.e., I infodump unnecessarily), or I give into my "FACTUAL ERROR MUST CORRECT" pedantry reflex, and I don't notice that I've done something wrong, because, wow, I always love to learn about new things and I appreciate being corrected, everyone else must too!!!! and then when I find out that people are upset or whatever my social anxiety has an excuse to start whacking me repeatedly with the "YOU'RE A FUCKUP AND EVERYONE HATES YOU FOREVER" stick. which is what happened tonight and thus was the reason I became an infinite snot fountain.

the thing is, though, that's all autistic shit—the inability to sense social transgressions or to know what to do in a social situation, and the infodumping, and the excessive pedantry. it's what I default to and thus what I have to actively work against if I don't want to be rude. and it just really hit me that I'm not normal, you know? that even though morally the absolute last thing I want to do is hurt someone's feelings, the way I am is abnormal enough in and of itself to hurt people. on the one hand I do wish that people wouldn't misinterpret actions made in good faith—that they wouldn't fucking assume I'm correcting them to feel superior, that they'd just take me at face value and stop reading subtext that I don't even notice—but, like. demonstrably, the problem's with me. and I just wish I wasn't broken, wasn't missing something almost everyone has and then shoved into a world where that thing is really important.

they suggested that there be a dedicated section of each meeting for me to give a little "informational lecture" on a mental illness, and it just felt like, "here's your separate weirdo time for you to be a weirdo in, and then the rest of us will get on with what we want to do." they didn't mean that, but yeah. and after the presidents had left the faculty advisor asked me if I was alright, because she had seen me walking by myself a lot and she was concerned. and I hadn't been feeling lonely or isolated before she said that, but when she did it really hit me that normal people walk around with friends. normal people have more than just a couple friends that they never see. and I'm abnormal enough that she was worried about it.

tl;dr I'm too spergy for this shit, realized as much, and threw a pity party. whee.

 

things that happened yesterday:

• I turned in my Frankenstein paper on time, and not on time as in "good I finished writing it two minutes before class even though I got zero sleep" but on time as in "I finished it ten minutes before class but I actually edited it multiple times and I got six and a half hours of sleep," which is very much an improvement over every other paper I have ever written. aside from when I finished last year's 22-page history final like four days before it was due (and it didn't even have to be 22 pages; the expectation was, like, six to eight) but that is an outlier adn should not be counted. thx ADHD meds
  • speaking of ADHD meds the one I'm on now is like. these cherry-flavored chewable tablets??? they're called Quillichew and I love them. also they were hella fuckin' cheap because the med is new and they're trying to promote it or whatever. /derail
• it was drizzly and like 55ish degrees yesterday, which I gather is the kind of weather most people hate, but as far as I'm concerned it's pretty much ideal. I don't mind rain as long as I have a waterproof jacket (if it's just drizzling I don't even need a hood) and cloudy weather means I don't have to either a) wear sunglasses everywhere like a douche or b) be constantly blinded by sunlight. also I overheat very easily so that temperature is excellent. as a bonus I got to wear my newish combat boots (they are actually kinda military-spec, they have steel toes and everything) and since I wore skiing socks they only took one strip of skin off my heels this time! :')
• I saw a frand and got to wear Lorge Frand Scarf (seriously that thing is like a blanket)
• we had this speaker at school meeting because the school was presenting him with this Prestigious Alum Award, and he apologized to Lin Manuel-Miranda and then literally rapped his entire speech, it was great. the rap was kind of terrible (didn't scan well and some of the rhyming was questionable) but tbh it's the thought that counts. one of his Award-Winning Accomplishments was founding this school for "rehabilitating at-risk kids," which tbh sounded kinda sketchy and personal-autonomy-violating, so I went to check out the school's website and in so doing discovered that it was not particularly sketchy but said that it would not admit kids who were dependent on meds for mood regulation and/or who had a history of mental health issues. I thought that was kinda dumb and ableist (particularly seeing as my school is Very Selective and they admitted me despite my fulfillment of both of those criteria), so when he was taking questions after his rap I got up and asked him why that was their admission policy. he looked extremely awkward and then foisted it off on this other lady, who spouted some bullshit about the school not being a "therapeutic environment" and those not being hard-and-fast rules. it was kinda great. also the headmaster stopped me and complimented me on my question, which was? good but strange??? other people did as well. idk what makes a question "good," though.
  • an unfortunate consequence of this was that, according to my friend, people in one of her classes were discussing my question and then segued to discussing me, inasmuch as "hi I'm Alex and I like to be called that also I use male pronouns bluh bluh" can be called discussion. >:T she said that they were specifically saying my pronouns were ridiculous, which??? roughly 50% of the human race uses male pronouns (if their language has gendered pronouns /pedant)?? they are not ridiculous?? anyway since she laid into them for saying that and also most of them are like fifteen I'm not too upset by that, just kinda... bemused. I do kinda want to get her to tell me their names, though, so that I can greet them very cheerfully if I see them! >:]
• also yesterday was the last day of classes for the week!!! (normally we have Saturday classes.) so I got 17 hours of sleep last night, which is always excellent.

all in all, a Good Day. c:

 

took my prescription sleep meds and started trying to go to sleep at like 10:30 last night, but I don't think I fell asleep until midnight, and then hell brain woke me up at 4:45 for no discernible reason and wouldn't let me go back to sleep. why this I just want to be responsible with my sleeping habits. also was a headache day, and at once point like my entire English class started talking at once and I went "SHHH" because that is my LOUD PEOPLE NOISE IN CLASS PLEASE MAKE IT STOP response, and half the table glared at me and the teacher reprimanded me. didn't cry or anything, but yeah. could use a hug. and a nap.

 

bluh bluh this is super self-centered, but I really don't want to bother anyone specifically about it and if I don't write about it I'll just keep thinking about it, so. here goes.

sooooo I found out yesterday that a friend of mine has a girlfriend now. which is great! they're super happy about it! I'm friends with their girlfriend too and quite like her and they're very compatible. also my friend had mentioned to me before that they had a crush on her and weren't sure if she was flirting back, and I was kinda like "yeah, looks like flirting, godspeed." so their crush is requited and they're actually dating someone, which, wow. they haven't before, nor have I. also I am enjoying heckling them about it in the elbow-nudge-and-eyebrow-wiggle sort of way. I am always on the hunt for new teasing material!

but of course I can't be unequivocally happy about anything interpersonal! that would be too easy! so my brain has decided that this is a great opportunity for such declarations as "they're gonna spend all their time with their gf now and won't want you around!!!! also their gf will also not want to spend time with you and also resent you!!!" and "guess what this is incontestable proof that you are objectively unattractive both physically and personality-wise and no one will want to date you ever!!! your friends are getting together and you're just over here not good enough for anyone!!! also hey have you realized your friend has kissed someone now and you still haven't haha what a joke you are," et fucking cetera. I really hate being jealous because it feels like I'm throwing a tantrum over other people's happiness, but here I am, being jealous. :/ also super self-critical, I'm aware, but overall these thoughts don't seem as irrational as my anxiety/depressionbrain usually does? like. no one does want to date me. my friend and I complained to each other about the complete lack of eligible bachelor(ette)s at our school, except psych! there was someone to date! and my friend got there first, and I'm still a fucking kiss virgin. say what you will, but to me that's pretty solid proof of my relative romantic undesirability.

Spoiler: somehow I'm capable of being even MORE WHINY. amazing

so my friend's got an account on here, and while I don't think they read this thread, I do feel compelled to take reasonable precautions. so, friend: none of this is your problem, and I've worked hard to keep it that way. I don't think you'll feel better for knowing it. I can handle it. I'd advise you against reading further.

Spoiler: no seriously this is way tmi

and the cherry on the tippy-top of this shitcake? I totally want to be the one dating my friend. I've been in love with them for about a year now, as I've discussed here before, and I asked them out in January, but they told me they didn't have time for a relationship and didn't really want to date in high school, etc. which, well. obviously that's not true, and obviously their girlfriend's got something that I lack. for the sake of clarity, I don't resent her or anything. I really do like her. I just. am feeling my own inadequacy pretty strongly right now, and also sort of... why didn't this happen to me? they did end up dating someone, and someone who's really not all that different from me (or them, actually). why couldn't that someone be me? what's wrong with me?

also I'm pissed because I've been trying for ten goddamn months to get over them and clearly I've accomplished jack shit. this is a really stupid thing to be upset about!!! intellectually I've come to terms with their lack of interest in me and interest in their girlfriend, but I'm totally crying right now, so emotionally, haha, no. get with the fucking program, emotions! this is what's happening and it's not gonna change anytime soon!

blergh, I hate this emotional teenage shit. can I skip this bullshit and become mature and emotionally stable soon pls kthx.

anyway, yeah, really not doing great right now. advice/commiseration/hugs/whatever would be very much appreciated. I feel really alone.

 

witnessed and hugs offered, that sounds like a distressing situation.

i don't really have any advice, but if commiseration would make you feel better; i've never dated or kissed anyone either! it sure does suck watching friends date other people while you're still single, so i feel your pain on some level.

(and just sayin, the anxietybrain-style claim that you're 100% absolutely unattractive physically or personality-wise seems Objectively False. i'll stop before i get into dating advice cliches tho, but i don't think there's anything wrong with you because you haven't dated yet, and i'm pretty sure your friends don't think so either.)

 

[accepts hugs] thank you for commiseration, friend, I appreciate. :3 although... no offense intended, and it's certainly not your fault, but, uh. how long has it been since you've interacted in person with kids your age while not heavily chaperoned? you don't have a chance to date (or kiss) anyone, and that really sucks, but, well. I do have that chance—for fuck's sake, I live away from home with 800 other teenagers—and I still haven't. I do very much appreciate your commiseration, but yeah, there's that. and if you don't mind explaining, why do you think it's Objectively False, as opposed to, like, improbable or something like that? I'm not claiming that people think there's something wrong with me (and it's nice to hear you say that), but something's up, clearly, and it's almost certainly up with me and not with, say, everyone I've ever interacted with.

 

you're welcome, and no offense taken! months, years, idk. the chaperone thing is mostly just my mom, the other church kids i know are maybe supposed to be chaperoned, but that hasn't happened on more than a few occasions. they also haven't been as isolated as i've been because of my parents. yeah, my situation's happened for different reasons, but who's to say i'll find a date when i get to college either? who knows how unlikely that is?

i think it's Objectively False because absolute statements of any types of worthlessness are usually distortions caused by anxiety, which could sound just improbable but i've seen your selfies, you are the opposite of unattractive (hairstyle goals tbh.) and you seem to have a good personality! friendly, smart, etc.

what could possibly be Horribly Wrong with you that isn't wrong with like, everyone else who's ever not had a date? you seem to be dealing with this jealousy in the best way you know how, it's a natural reaction. and you're not acting entitled to a relationship, or doing anything else that would cause other people to be averse to you as a person or romantic option.

imo there doesn't seem to be any Badness to place blame on, not on yourself, and like you said, not on other people. it's just a really unfortunate circumstance, those happen for no good reason. in my situation the blame would fall on my parents.

(if anything i'm saying is weird or uncomfortable let me know, i'll back off)

 

really not doing okay right now. been trying to sleep for an hour but all I seem to be able to do is lie here and cry. is there a type of sadness that doesn't involve blaming yourself for what you're upset about? because I don't remember ever feeling that way. even when I try to clear my mind I just keep telling myself I'm inadequate and selfish and pathetic, and that really seems true right now. I want to stop hurting, but I don't know how.

Spoiler: vaguely suicidal

I don't want to die, but I do want to go away where I can't feel anything for a while. not letting myself take my sleeping pills. I don't know what to do.

 

(more hugs offered and i still don't think you're pathetic, or inadequate, or selfish)

yeah, there's a ton of types of sadness. and even if you don't feel used to not blaming yourself, that doesn't make you a failure at Emotion Management or anything like that. i definitely understand the wanting to take time to not feel things. sometimes when you put a lot of effort into trying to push away a thought, it comes back even more agressively because brains are like that :(

if you don't want to take the sleeping pills, do you have anything else around that could help you get to sleep? something warm to drink, more blankets? something cute/positive to watch or listen to, that doesn't have anything at all to do with what's going on right now?

 

okay, I did eventually exhaust myself enough to go to sleep (crying is pretty tiring!), and I'm definitely feeling better for it. I was telling myself the whole time that I would feel better later, because as much as it sucks being that miserable is really not sustainable (my current record is three hours of walking around, listening to sad music, and crying, but that too went away). but that didn't really feel real until I was feeling better, you know? anyway. I'm still not doing great, and I'm probably going to have additional Badfeels Attacks at some point, but right now I'm not in crisis. and I'm in a better position to appreciate the sympathy I've received. thanks, guys. :3

last night I was all "LIES" at this, tbqh, but, like, what possible reason would you have for lying to me, lol. thank you for sharing your opinion, it's really nice to hear. c:

it's also good to hear that you think I'm handling all this, if not well, then at least normally. (although if someone knows a better way of dealing with jealousy aside from directing it inward and beating yourself up with it, man would I like to hear about that.)

this is probably a way more accurate assessment of the situation than the one I have, lol. I really try not to call anything or anyone unequivocally Bad, and I don't do it in situations with which I'm not personally involved, but if there's a problem in my life I usually default to "I'm Bad and it's my fault!!!!" but you're right, a lot of shit is just unfortunate, and in any case morally I don't think anyone is capital-b Bad. I just... have a really hard time being that compassionate towards myself. :/ what the heck, self-esteem, get your shit together, I've identified the logical fallacy and everything.

nothing you've said has been anything but really sweet and helpful! tbh I don't even know what kind of uncomfortable any of it could be?

[gladly accepts hugs and additional reassurance <3]

ye, brains are dumb. :P I am certainly not great at Emotion Management, but it's not for lack of trying, so. I guess it's one of those things that sorts itself out with age and/or mental health improvements, and in the meantime I'm not making it anyone else's problem, so I just have to wait it out, I suppose.

 

i'm glad you're feeling better! and yeah, the bad-feeling will usually pass after sticking around as background noise for a while.

yeah i'm not lying to you (nor do i have any reason to,) so no worries about that. you're welcome!

that might be a control thing? like, if you blame yourself then at least it feels like there's something you can do to change the situation, since all you really have control over is yourself (rather than other people's reactions to you.)

edit: removed that bit on indifference because now that i think about it some more, it was a little too vague and cbt/mindfulness-flavored. those aren't always the panacea they're cracked up to be, but i tend to default to that language as a possibly helpful option since they're so ubiquitous. also, it may have sounded like "stop caring so much about your emotions and just detach from them so they don't affect you!" which wasn't what i was trying to get across. sorry about that! :V

(aaand as another addendum; even if you were unattractive physically and personality wise, that still wouldn't mean that you don't deserve to be cared about)

eh, that's just my brainbugs worrying if i'm being bothersome somehow, y'know? i'm glad it's helpful to you tho! :) but still, feel free to disregard anything that doesn't sound useful for you!

 

I have an official ADHD diagnosis now! which honestly is ridiculous considering I've been on prescription ADHD meds for like five months now, but anyway. my school demanded a psychoeducational evaluation before they would comply with my request that I be able to take my exams with small numbers of people instead of an entire gym's worth for anxiety-relieving purposes (such an exploitative and unreasonable accommodation, clearly), and $4000 later I have a doctor's report saying I should get small-room testing and time and a half for any sort of timed assessment, which is definitely more than I was expecting! I mean, 100% of my problems with assessments are a result of terrible time management, but I didn't think they'd give me extra time that wasn't necessary regardless of whether it was helpful. so yeah, I and my 4.0 GPA in four AP classes apparently have a learning disability, lol. do you believe me now, eP's "you never were inattentive before!!!" mom? do you? (she does. I'm just still salty about the whole "you didn't used to be like this" thing, however well-intentioned it was.)

oh, and the "psycho" part of "psychoeducational evaluation" means the dude also did an in-depth analysis of my personality/the mixed bag of neuroses that functions as such, and apparently I'm too anxious for the ranking system he used, lol. I don't think it was designed with people with diagnosed anxiety disorders in mind, but yeah. he told me to go to CBT, which I'm not super optimistic about, because my previous experience is that therapy does jack fucking shit for me. and, I mean, I'm doing fine with the anxiety? I can tell what's irrational and what's not, I don't let myself act really anxious, and I'm not as physically sick as I used to be? idk what a therapist can tell me that'll make my anxietybrain shut up when my own yelling at it doesn't. apparently I'm not super depressed, though! despite feeling lonely and isolated and having self-esteem issues from the fact that I'm either really good at things or really bad at things. relatable, tbh. I haven't read the actual report yet, so I might uncover additional insightful tidbits, but yeah. also my mother is refusing to tell me my IQ score, for whatever reason. let me have this one moment of satisfaction, Mom, Jesus fucking Christ.

 

same hat

 

Oh hi me.

fwiw I didn't find CBT very helpful, but I did find the therapist pretty helpful, if only to act as a sounding board while I talked about things that were distressing me. Mindfulness was actually more helpful for my anxiety, since it taught me how to basically override the anxiety-sensation with sensory input.

 

I have made progress with CBT but it's a fuckload of work. Mindfulness is completely useless to me when I'm doing it correctly; fortunately I started doing it wrong.

 

oh man I almost forgot the best part of this whole Official Academic Accommodations business: my parents have discussed the report and its findings with my teachers, and evidently the overwhelming response was "really??? but he* is so assertive! and such an excellent, focused student!" haha joke's on them I'm really not

*roughly half of my teachers use male pronouns; the other half, who apparently did not cotton on to the fact that my recent name change and overall masculine presentation ought to call my femininity into question, are still using female. I should probably do something about that at some point, but it is really awkward to march up to someone and go, "hey, do you know what gender I am?"

 

I THINK IT IS HIGH TIME FOR ME TO POST A LIFE UPDATE FOR MY ADORING FANS AND I AM SURE THAT YOU, AS ADORING FANS, AGREE ENTIRELY!

(btw, if that opening didn't make it clear, I am 18 hours and counting out from sleepytimes, and I think the last time I took my ADHD meds was the day before yesterday? silliness ahoy, is what I'm saying.)

of note since last we left our hero... hmm. well, I was depressed for a while there! more depressed than I usually am, I mean. and I think my usual depression is not insignificant. but, y'know, this was the whole crying-every-other-day-for-weeks-on-end-about-stupid-shit type of depression, which is always fun! I broke my own record for longest sustained crying jag (three hours and change), and I called my mom seventy times in the middle of the night! (she wasn't picking up because a) her cellphone was off and b) my brother had taken the landline off the hook so it wasn't ringing, and I really should've realized that she wasn't picking up for a reason before call #70, but, y'know. breakdowns. as it was I left some entirely overdramatic voicemails.) I went to my doctor, who put me on Lexapro and said it ought to kick in in six weeks or so, which was definitely what I, several days out from a crisis, wanted to hear right then! also I now have Fun Insomnia Times (aka why I haven't slept in 18 hours), which are Fun and Enjoyable and wreaked merry hell with my student-being skills, especially since involuntary sleep deprivation wasn't a good enough reason to miss class, apparently! THANKS SEEBS!

on the other hand, the Lexapro did kick in in six weeks, or something, because I haven't cried in over two weeks, which needless to say is practically unheard-of for me. so that's weird. also I just finished possibly the best finals week I have ever had. (definitely the best winter finals week, because in years past I had some truly spectacular breakdowns.) I say this without knowing how I did on any of the finals, of course, but in any case I turned up for/punctually turned in all of them, so really they can't've been too bad. again, weird, but good! very good! I might even be living up to the tiniest bit of my potential!

as for interpersonal matters, those of you following along at home may recollect that I have been experiencing much Turmoil In Matters Of The Heart, and though I cannot say it has entirely passed, it does appears that my heart is now slightly less utterly fucking unreasonable. as proof of this I offer up this really terrible crush I have on a kid in my English class! [sixteen-year-old]he's really cute (with very long eyelashes, it goes without saying)! and a very talented actor (I was also in an amateur theatrical production with him, which was lovely, as a) it provided ample opportunities for interaction and, dare I say, clever repartee; b) all the guys were wearing togas, which, it being amateur, we provided ourselves, and I was the only one who sewed his even a little, and I bet you can see where this is going, but everyone's fell off a lot and I really did not mind his toga's doing so in the slightest; and c) though my part was very minor, it involved a, shall we say, physical disagreement between his character and mine, the upside of which was that I had a perfectly legitimate excuse to bump butts with him)! and a very good singer, and he has really good opinions about poetry and Hamlet, guys, I cannot stress this last point enough!!! also I established an informal-formal seating arrangement in which he and I were next to each other in class, which kept me from staring obviously at him across the table and allowed me to greet him daily and sometimes offer him gum!!!![/end sixteen-year-old] anyway, it's completely hopeless, since I'm pretty sure he's straight and in any case he has a Srs Girlfriend who's a lovely person, and regardless How Do Flirtations. also I've endured a great deal of teasing to the effect that my type is literally just "Tol," which I resent deeply, but as he's 6'3" and the last object of my affections is probably 5'11", I have no real grounds for objection. but he is also the first new crush I've had since, like, August 2015, so, y'know, that's very encouraging!