Will i manage to use my own vent thread this time??? Who the fuck knows CW: Dragon Age fanfic babbling, depression and anxiety stuff, sometimes both! Lots of whining. Occasionally the Sims. When I get depressy I also get insomnia and it manifests as a lot of silly things going on in my head at once. Interactions are welcome!!!
Anyway. Since I haven't been able to sleep well for the past several days since a year of effort was flushed down the shitter I keep thinking about Dragon Age fanfic and it's all KINDA SAD One is a series of codex entries about my warden and her life and the other is like... this Cullen/Idrilla modern AU crap where she's a nurse in a Kirkwall hospital post chantrysplosion and there's no inquisition yet when they meet. She is hiding the fact she's a mage and he is not with what's left of the Templars anymore but also not doing anything with his life except trying not to die because of lyrium and there's a scene where they sadly make out at three in the morning on a picnic towel in front of her trailer and their kisses are sweet and sticky from condensed milk and koolaid popsicles and it's very sad because Cullen has depression and Idrilla is ninety percent anxious at any given time
Illa shares the trailer with Oindys and Nellas and they all send their money back home after they pay illa's ridiculous amounts of student loans. Oindys is a barman and Nellas works security at the same place for now (because she has managed the feat of being fired more times than she has been hired). Illa works night shifts too because the pay is better. After the sad make outs Cullen asks her on a date but it can only be after she leaves her shift at midnight so their date is at an all night bowling alley and it's the best date she's ever had. She's wearing her job interview clothes cause they're the best she has. Cullen has a service dog who is absolutely ancient and also very dumb. They're both terrified of being alone.
Maybe I just like thinking about sad people finding each other while stuck in unsatisfying situations because I project heavily on fictional characters
Summer air is the worst. It's stagnant and humid and suffocating and there's nothing I can do about it
I wanna switch places with someone with straightforward seasonal depression because it can't be possible that the moment sunset starts to move after 8:30 pm it's the moment I start feeling like complete and utter shit. I physically cannot deal with more sunlight than that, I don't wanna be here anymore
I cant sleep. I wish I was rich enough and good enough that I could solve every problem but even if I were all that it still wouldn't help
Why is it that depression and anxiety and self loathing happens to good people and not the pieces of shit around us. Why are there absolute garbage people walking without a care in the world while decent human beings struggle
Who am I kidding I woke up at seven after a solid three hours of sleep and it's one in the morning and I'm still awake. I'm so tired but I can't sleep
I got Get Famous so my warden could finally fulfill her destiny (being a movie star diva) and this was the first thing that happened when i moved in the household
Spoiler: fic dialogue rough and dumb It was good to have Oindys around. After the commotion - after thinking for months that he and Nellas were dead, after the overwhelming realization that they weren't - it was good to see an old, friendly face. For the first time in a while, Idrilla felt that she could breathe. They were sitting on the edge of the pier, and his feet almost touched the frozen surface of the lake as he seemed to bask in the cold fereldan winter. She was content to slice apples, very thinly - one piece for her, then one for him. "A lot's happening in the clan right now." he said, after a long silence. "I'm happy that you're okay." She nodded, still focusing on her apple. "I'm happy you're well, too." "But you're a big thing here, now, right? Their trick shot, fr'what I've seen." He huffs. "And it doesn't look like they're keeping you chained to the wall." "No." She nods again. "They are not." "And you're still here, being their trick shot." She eats a slice of apple, and then another. "That's how it's going, yes." "So you're not going back to the clan." "No. I am here of my own will." She says, mindlessly touching the Keeper's letter folded in her breastpocket. "They want to find whoever opened the Breach, what caused the explosion. I want it too. Even if you and Nellas are safe..." "It still sucked." "To say the least." "And you can't keep from getting your nose in everyone else's business." "I am the only one who can close the rifts and the Breach, Dys. It is my business too." "Well, yeah. But they're not going to be nice about it." He says, and then fishes a cigar from somewhere in the depths of his pockets. "Fire?" She twists her nose. "That thing smells gross, Dys." But she lights it anyway, and he shrugs. "The taste is really something too. But the old Master would have a fit just thinking of an elf touching his tobacco, so it's worth it." "How could you even afford it, anyway?" "Ah, lethallin, I didn't afford it at all. Don't look at me that way - some merchant clown gave it to me when he saw the vallaslin. Said something about the amazing Herald of Andraste. Figured I should tell him that not all Dalish know each other, but... well. I do know you." "Please don't use my name to get stuff. It's hard enough to keep things normal here." "I take it you're not liking the attention, then." "I'm a Dalish priestess and I am the First of clan Lavellan. This whole Andraste thing is creepy." "At least you're not knife-ear anymore. But speaking of clowns - that's a big one you've got there in a tin." She looks over her shoulder and sees Cullen scolding some soldiers. "Ah, that'd be Commander Cullen. He's... like that. Used to be a Templar, you know?" "Used to?" "That's how he puts it. I don't think he trusts me, but I don't trust him to have changed more than just what he wears anyway. Other than that, he's just irritating." "That's high praise for someone dangerous to you." "He even has some good ideas sometimes." "Still. He is a Templar." "He was here before me, and there are a lot of other Templars in the Inquisition. We need all the help that we can get, even if it makes me uncomfortable. They still respect me and they can't do anything to me, so I'm safe here for now."
I know it's not kosher to like Cullen as a character in this hellfandom but I still do!! And I even ship him with a *gasp* Dalish mage!! which gives me like minus three opportunities to talk about it because even the people who ship it either have it end bad or just ignore the problems in favor of straight fluff and that's. boring.
i've been thinking about my last therapy session and what i told Cris and I think that the reason I am so upset at being waitlisted/not making the cut for the unis i wanted is that i don't like the person i am after losing like seven years of my life to severe depression and i was hoping that finally getting in would. idk. get me out of my limbo, get me out of this, make me someone i could like. i know it's a lot to put on a uni entrance exam but i'm dumb and an idiot
im trying to play this car accident like it's no big deal because it wasn't - i contacted insurance and will send the other party the register number and all that tomorrow so they can get their car fixed on my insurance and that's all there is to do because no one got hurt - but i'm actually very self loathing about it because my driving instructor told me i have a tendency to drive too close to the other cars and would end up hitting something one day and guess EXACTLY what happened
Now UNSURPRISINGLY i went from being happy that i got into med school to feeling guilty and self loathingy that it was a med school in another city and not the one where i already live, which will mean me and my husband will have to move, and it will be expensive, on top of the private med school costs. I am. GUILTY ON TOP OF GUILTY ON TOP OF GUILTY because I didn't do things RIGHT and there will be two more calls for the uni here in my city where I got waitlisted and I am praying even harder that I get called.
Also, to help matters: my mom has quit her job and is preparing to move here, as soon as it is defined if I am going to the uni I got into (Which is in another city) or if I'm going to be called to the one I got waitlisted, which is in the city where I live currently. And like, my mom has never made a financially irresponsible decision in her life, and I knew she was thinking about moving, but from what we had talked it was going to take another two or three years for it to happen. And I'm not sad to have my mom closer, but... like... both of those unis are eight grand a month. I don't have much chance of getting into the free uni I'm applying to in the same city as the one I got approved and I didn't make the cut for the second round of entrance exams of the one here. I am fucking terrified. I know she has money saved and she has assured me that I shouldn't worry but. It's an uncertain as fuck situation. Real fucking bad! I anxiety! Bad!