Existence is a panic attack

Discussion in 'Brainbent' started by BaseDeltaZero, Aug 15, 2020.

  1. BaseDeltaZero

    BaseDeltaZero Shitposting all night.

    Does anyone else have these sort of... existential panic attacks? Just thinking about death sends you into a panic spiral? I dunno, I guess it's a panic attack, anyways. It happens to me - sometimes it's not as bad, sometimes it's... really bad. Tonight was really bad. Full blown screaming, running my fat retarded ass off for no goddamn reason. Not crying. I can't cry anymore. I've got good at suppressing my emotions, maybe too good. If I don't, this happens. I need to distract myself, and my life is... basically a series of distractions. Even at night I can't go to sleep properly, I need to watch videos, or just listen, to have something to take my attention off the howling void in my head. It usually works, recently it hasn't.

    I just... this... writing doesn't even sound like me, and even now I need something else open to distract myself... anyways. I'm not even sure why I'm writing this, it sounded better in my head. I had sertraline I was taking for my anxiety/depression but I could never keep a schedule, and now the last dregs have dried up... not that I'm sure it ever helped. And... I don't know. Has anyone dealt with something similar and have advice or just... I dunno, sympathy? I know I'm begging, and I fully expect this to never get a reply, but... please...
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  2. KingdomByTheSea

    KingdomByTheSea Well-Known Member

    I have definitely dealt with similar death anxiety. Usually I try to drown it out by doing multiple things at once so my brain is too busy to panic - podcasts/TV with crafting/writing works well for me. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, it's absolutely miserable
  3. BaseDeltaZero

    BaseDeltaZero Shitposting all night.

    Yeah, that's pretty much what I've been doing. It's just... sometimes it worse than others. Right now it's really bad. And that's also contributing to the fucking-up of the rest of my life, which is... a whole 'nother story.
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  4. BaseDeltaZero

    BaseDeltaZero Shitposting all night.

    Got a little better since, thought I was doing decently well, but... it's been coming back. Not quite as bad as the 15th.

    It's always there. Sometimes static, but lately a roar. I'm not sure how much longer I can handle this, ironically enough.

    I used to take sertraline, not sure if it did anything or not, because I couldn't take it consistently. I ran out completely fairly recently and... there's no ready refill for a variety of reasons (coronavirus and no phone, mostly). Does anyone know if that works for this kind of thing or anything that does?
  5. KingdomByTheSea

    KingdomByTheSea Well-Known Member

    I'm on a different SSRI, which has helped a lot. I also have a benzodiazepine to take as needed when the spirals get really bad
  6. BaseDeltaZero

    BaseDeltaZero Shitposting all night.

    I got woken up early (per my schedule) this morning in order to drive to the car repair place, and along the way I actually cried. It started sadly but by the end it felt... good. (And no, it wasn't safe, but I didn't have much choice but to go). Still... it didn't last, and now I almost fear I lost another flicker of hope, if y'know what I mean. Probably not, I'm not explaining much. Still bad.

    I have some Lorazepam intended for a blood draw years ago. I'm kinda desperate but trying to avoid it because A: Not for that. B: Really Old., and C: I'll probably need it for Cv-19 vaccine.
  7. BaseDeltaZero

    BaseDeltaZero Shitposting all night.

    This was a comment on an unrelated subject, but I realized, with horror... that's... how I feel about life all the time. I want to believe in hope, but I know it's irrational, it's just too painful to acknowledge. We are born dead, existence is a panic attack -

    Well, I'd say that, but I'm feeling a little better now. Like a 6 or 7. Pursuing medication at the moment, though it'll be 'next month' before I can get an appointment. Ugh.
    Y'know, in some ways this panic is almost comforting, I can tell myself that it's a mental illness and not the truth. At the same time, I... don't even know what recovery would look like. What grace would would look like. And then I'd have to deal with... everything else wrong with me.

    ETA thank you for your sympathy, @KingdomByTheSea
    Last edited: Aug 27, 2020
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  8. BaseDeltaZero

    BaseDeltaZero Shitposting all night.

    I've been a bit better the past two nights. Just the nights. Like a 4 on the Mental Health Pain scale. I have Interim St. John's Wort and some herbal gummies. It's... helping? Probably shouldn't be. But it's... kind of like a bad day when I'm not having a general 'episode'? During the day it's anywhere from 6-8.

    I'm now getting into the phase where I freak out over eternity as well! Fun! And generally feeling like the world is shit. When this is over maybe I should look into like... some kind of counseling... or church, or... something.

    I... have a weird relation with religion. I'm emphatically - deliberately not an atheist. Well. I think so. But at the same time I'm not... anything, really? I'm... somewhat skeptical by nature or training, I guess. 'Rational', I don't tend to go in for blind faith. I wish I could. I also have a... bit of a thing with authority. And of course, American Christianity being Like That. I... fuck.
  9. BaseDeltaZero

    BaseDeltaZero Shitposting all night.

    I don't feel anxious anymore.

    I'm not better, it's just... it's like the last branch of hope I clung to is gone, and now there's nothing to do but fall.

    I feel so cold.
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  10. BaseDeltaZero

    BaseDeltaZero Shitposting all night.


    I don't feel so, so terrible anymore, even if did an hour ago. I just... feel kind of numb. Like I'm no longer in such a state of panic, not all the time, but at the same time, nothing has been resolved. Trying to do other things still triggers things getting worse. Getting a doctor's appointment has been... difficult, I waited too long between visits and now had to submit a new patient form... which I did. But then my mom contacted them again and I got another new patient form so... who knows what happened. I may try the ER or Patient's First or something like that. Even then, getting medication seems like a cop-out, but then... it could be necessary? I guess.

    And then I need to take it. Not only do I have executive dysfunction problems I don't like to take it because it reminds me of my... problems.
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