Friend is ignoring me and I don't know why?

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by dorkfang, Mar 20, 2016.

  1. dorkfang

    dorkfang not here

    This post is going to probably be incredibly long and rambly because I have absolutely no idea how to be concise. Hahaha...

    So I've been close friends with this person for about... a year and a half? Maybe closer to two years? Anyway. I met her through another close friend of mine, we were introduced because we share similar interests, etc. So we've been friends for a while, hanging out at each others' houses, going to concerts, on road trips, all that stuff. We've described each other as best friends in the past, even.

    Now, for about the last week and half, maybe two weeks, I don't know for sure, she's been ignoring me. Like, not responding to text messages, I tried calling her a few times and she didn't answer, I sent her a facebook message and she hasn't looked at it. We did meet up at Denny's a few days into her ignoring me and she basically yelled at me in public and made me cry. This was because we'd gone to a concert in November 2014 and I had apparently forgotten to give her gas money (it was a 4 hour trip north and we took her car), and instead of telling me at the time or reminding me at any point, I guess she just... assumed that I knew I owed her money? And let this sit from then until now and blew up at me over it? So at Denny's, I gave her 25 dollars (she told me she didn't even remember how much I owed her, just that I owed her money) so I pretty much just gave her what I had in my wallet. I thought that was the end of it, we were good now, whatever, but apparently not, because she went back to ignoring me as soon as we left Denny's.

    I've kind of asked our mutual friends, like, if they know what's going on, or why she's ignoring me, but they say they have no idea and I don't want to be like "hey, go ask her why she's mad at me" because they don't really want to get in the middle of a fight between me and her (if this is even considered a fight? idk). So basically... I have no idea what the fuck is going on. This wouldn't be AS big of a deal (still a big deal, because she's like... my best friend, and she's mad at me, and I... would prefer that not to be happening, but) if we didn't have plans to go to a concert (of my absolute favorite band, that is a kpop group, that in all likelihood may never come to this part of the country again, so my chances of seeing them outside of this concert are slim to none) in a little over two weeks. This makes it kind of pressing because we have to pick the tickets up at the event, they're in her name, and the concert is, again, 4 hours north and I can't drive, so I have no way of getting there without her. I gave her around 250 dollars for the ticket (we pooled our money so we could buy the tickets at the same time on her card so we would have seats together). I am... kind of panicking that she'll decide not to take me to the concert and I'll be both out 250 dollars and my only chance to see my favorite band. The friend who introduced us says she thinks she'll still take me to the concert, but they haven't talked about it since before she started ignoring me.

    I also feel kind of petty about worrying about the concert when the kind of main issue is our friendship like... self-destructing. But... the concert is a pretty big thing, 250 dollars is basically 2 and a half paychecks for me.

    Anyway, at first I was kind of willing to do anything to get her to be friends with me again, give her money, whatever, but now I'm kind of thinking... if this is how she's treating me, should I even want to continue being friends with her? I mean, I don't really have a huge amount of friends, and a lot of the friends I do have are internet friends or otherwise long-distance, so losing a local friend feels like a huge deal, but... hm.

    I have... no idea what to do in this situation, whatsoever. I'm not even sure what advice I'm expecting here, I guess I just kind of wanted to talk it out with someone? Or... ramble about it some, apparently, haha...
  2. Petra

    Petra space case

    Ehn... my first thought was not a charitable one, and maybe I'm completely wrong, but...

    Is it possible she lost the money you gave her, and is manufacturing this because she doesn't want to/is afraid to admit it?
  3. dorkfang

    dorkfang not here

    You mean the money for the concert, or the gas money from the trip? The concert money I watched her deposit at the bank, but the gas money, I really have no idea. :I
  4. Petra

    Petra space case

    The concert money. Could she have spent it?

    I have basically no information about her personality. But she accepted $250 from you and deposited in the bank. Some unknown time period after this, she completely cut you off, and when you DID talk to her, she made a big fuss about gas money. Then she cut you off again after you gave her what money you had.

    Could she be having money issues? Because, if she was manipulative or desperate, which is information I don't have, it looks like she's setting this up so you don't go to the concert together, and then if she's pressed about the $250 she can claim you owed her money, which you already agreed that you owed her and confirmed by giving her money.

    This is admittedly a pretty cynical, worst-case-scenario. But I have to ask if it seems at all possible to you, because if it is happening, you might want to look into that before the concert comes and goes.
    Last edited: Mar 21, 2016
  5. Petra

    Petra space case

    Because if she's genuinely mad at you, this is a really inappropriate way to express it, because if she won't tell you what you did, you can't do anything about it.
  6. dorkfang

    dorkfang not here

    The day after she deposited the money, we went to my house and bought the tickets online, so I at least know that my money went to my ticket.

    She never really struck me as super manipulative? But she used to drive me to work a lot before I started taking the bus, and us and other friends would take trips places, and she would always want... more money than was reasonable for gas. Like, we were planning a trip to Dallas and we calculated how much gas money we would need, and it came out to around 150 dollars, but she decided she wanted 300 split between three of us "just in case". I always just gave it to her, because back then I had a lot more money than I do now, but. I don't know. I don't think she's having money issues, she lives with her parents and the only thing she pays is a 200 dollar car payment and she makes... a lot more money than I do, and she's never said anything about being short or needing to borrow money or anything.

    We've also not ever really had an argument before now, at least not to this extent. We've like disagreed a few times but it always got resolved p much immediately, so this whole thing is really throwing me for a loop.
  7. Petra

    Petra space case

    Okay, so it's not about the money. Good! So yeah, the rest of this is really weird then. Maybe something else is going on that's stressing her out and she's kinda taking it out on you? I dunno!

    I hope you can go to the concert, though.
  8. dorkfang

    dorkfang not here

    Alright, update: She just texted me about... fifteen messages. This is... this is great. She has apparently been keeping a list of every time I've done something to offend her in the past two years, and this is why she's mad at me:
    • kept slamming her car door after she told me not to (she told me not to once, I didn't realize I was slamming it because my mom's car door doesn't shut right if you don't slam it and I guess I got used to it, I tried to not shut it so hard after that but I guess I didn't do a good enough job?)
    • "forced her" to listen to a band she doesn't like (this is the first time I've heard of her not liking it, and the only time I listened to it around her was when I spent the weekend at her house and I was listening to it in the background while I worked on something, she never told me to turn it off)
    • forgot to make the bed in the guest room when I stayed over twice
    • "didn't respect [her] in her own car" when she didn't want to listen to a certain album... but I distinctly remember us being in our other friend's car when that happened and the driver wanted to listen to it so I put it in? Like, this was two or three months ago, I remember the day she's talking about, and I'm about... 99% certain we were not in her car at the time.
    • when we go out to eat I always bring my laptop and "sit on it instead of talking to [us]"- I never ignore people when I have my laptop, it just makes it easier to deal with the fact that I'm in a loud, crowded restaurant, and I've also explicitly asked her if it bothers her when I bring my laptop places and she said no, so this point is bullshit.
    • I was "going on and on" about how I didn't want to go to a concert she and another friend wanted to go to, but then decided to buy a ticket- I never said I didn't want to go, I specifically said I wasn't sure if I should go because I wasn't as into the band as they were, and they were getting top-tier meet and greet tickets, so I decided to buy a way cheaper balcony ticket. Then she said that the ticket is more than the hotel cost of a trip that I said I couldn't afford, which is not true (it was a little cheaper, and she didn't mention the 100 dollars in gas she also wanted for that trip) and that it was a "slap in the face" that I decided to buy the ticket.
    • She says I say I don't make a lot of money but then buy "shit I don't need" which, honestly, might be a little true, in that I make 100 dollars a week and pay some to my mom but buy a lot of cheap makeup, which is a habit I've been trying to break, but I've never, like, spent all my money and then turned around and tried to borrow money from anyone, in fact, I've never borrowed money from anyone, because I'm paranoid that something similar to this would happen. :I
    • At one point a while back I mentioned feeling suicidal (she knows I'm mentally ill and have issues with suicidal thoughts, and it was also very clearly a case of "I'm having suicidal thoughts but I'm not going to do anything, I just wanted to talk to someone" rather than "I'm going to kill myself because you're not giving me enough attention" or whatever) and she apparently took that as manipulation? She said "that is not something I will ever tolerate because I take that very very seriously and I will not stand for it because people that say things like that are attentions getters in my opinion. If you ever say something like that again I will personally walk your ass to the ward and I will tell them what is going on".
    • I ground sugar into the seat of her car (I had a box of peeps that I thought I'd closed properly but actually didn't and when we got back in the car there was pink sugar in the seat, and I did my best to clean it up but apparently did not do a good enough job).

    I'm sitting here writing all this out instead of trying to respond to her because I'm... seriously freaking the fuck out, like. I had no idea she felt this way about any of this because I've always made an effort not to offend her or any of my other friends? Like, especially about things that I asked if they were okay with something and they said yes at the time, like the laptop thing. I'm feeling like i'm going to have an anxiety attack, actually, so I should probably go to bed or something and try to respond to her in the morning when I'm not freaking out quite so badly.

    Also, ftr she is going to take me to the concert, but afterwards I "have to do a complete 180 on [my] personality because [she] can not be friends with the [me] that currently am". SO that's a huge amount of stress lifted, and then an even huger amount of stress dropped right back on me, hahahaha.....

    Also also, after rereading this, I'm convincing myself that I'm a crazy piece of shit and I am an awful friend and I'm just trying to justify it to myself rather than attempting to change, even though logically i know that that is just my Mental Illnessat work and I am justified in being upset at all of this. So before i freak out and word vomit even more, I am at least going to step away and do something calming for a little bit.
  9. Petra

    Petra space case

    Yo, she sounds like a horrible friend. If she had a problem with you, she should have TALKED to you about it instead of acting nice and then cutting you off. Enjoy your concert, and then enjoy not being friends with her after, because she has revealed herself to be a toxic and emotionally abusive friend.
    • Like x 5
  10. Petra

    Petra space case

    Also woooow, nice dose of ableism from her.
    • Like x 3
  11. dorkfang

    dorkfang not here

    Thank you guys for reassuring me about my stupid brain trying to make things worse, ahaha... For some reason I'm really stuck on the not respecting her in her car thing, because... her rule for her car is that she is the only one allowed to drive it, right. And... she was not driving that day, our mutual friend was. So... it can't have been her car, right? I can't think of a single instance in which she allowed someone else to drive her car. And the album that she's talking about belonged to our mutual friend's sister, which is why it was in the car in the first place. I don't know why I'm so stuck on that point in particular, it's just that the way she remembers it and put it in the text is really bothering me. :/
    • Like x 1
  12. dorkfang

    dorkfang not here

    Also rereading that I realize that I fucked up the bracket things most of the time, lesson: why I should not try to sound smart when I'm freaking out at 1 in the morning, hahaha...
  13. Mercury

    Mercury 17 Quicksilver Scribe Tramples The Unrepentant

    Holy shit. Telling someone they have to completely change their personality or they won't be friends with them is super fucked up, in any possible situation.

    Keeping a list of every time she felt wronged by you and then months to years later exploding at you about it is ALSO super fucked up. I can't even begin to fathom what her damage is, but like. That's something decent people just don't DO to their friends. Or to anyone. I don't care how objectionable someone finds someone else, doing that to them is FUCKED UP.

    This is manipulative, crazy-making bullshit on her part. Whatever her intentions (which are irrelevant), the effect is gaslighting. Don't buy it.
    • Like x 5
  14. Emma

    Emma Your resident resident

    Yeah, she doesn't sound like she's a great friend tbh :-(
    • Like x 1
  15. Elaienar

    Elaienar "sorta spooky"

    I'm pretty sure there's no universe in which not telling someone that you have a problem with something they're doing and then getting mad at them for not fixing the problem makes sense. So, yeah. What everyone else is saying. Your friend is not acting very friendly.
    • Like x 2
  16. Raire

    Raire Turquoise Helicoid

    From the moment I read she had been ignoring you I was prepared for this. I've had similar treatment but for something more childish. The rest is more confirmation that she is not a good friend, and her behavior is horrible, and frankly I think she's the one being manipulative.

    My advice is: try not to respond emotionally to her, at least in text since in person is hard and address her point briefly and factually (I specifically asked about the laptop thing you didn't say a thing, etc). Try not to excuse yourself. If you did mess up on something (the car seat thing? But you were sorry it isn't like you left a mess on purpose or through not caring. Same with the bed thing) apologize simply for hurting her but don't go into explaining your behavior or thoughts because that gives her a handle to argue more. Write that you wish she had told you her problems at the time instead of staying quiet because you had no way of making her feel comfortable since she didn't communicate her grievances, especially in the face of you having asked her opinion for laptop thing. If she brings more accusations of any sort, ask her why she didn't say anything at the time instead of addressing the accusations. The cleaner, sharper and less emotional the cut, the less likely she'll be emotional about it because she'll feel she doesn't have control over you, which is why you should avoid saying "you hurt me by ignoring me" and instead phrase it as her actions "ignoring me was inappropriate", and look uninterested in making amends even if she changes her tune. Simply square everything you can so you don't owe each other anything, then avoid her. If local friends do a thing in group that has her and you want to go, it's greeting civilly, and then engaging more with the others instead time.

    Based on her behavior she will try to guilt you. It is better to not respond when you feel your anxiety is going to make you respond in a vulnerable manner, and come back to it as soon as someone has helped you analyze it in a calm manner so your response can give her less way.

    Also what bullshit is this about "you don't earn a lot but you spend it in on cheap make up" that is none of her business if it isn't impacting her and she isn't trying to help you. Fuck that.
    • Like x 10
  17. dorkfang

    dorkfang not here

    So, I sent her a message earlier today (or I guess yesterday since it's 2 am and I'm still awake for some reason) basically apologizing for the things like forgetting to make the bed, etc and telling her that I wish she would have told me about things I was doing that bothered her at the time instead of waiting until now, and she's ignoring me again! Confirmed by a mutual friend. So like... whatever, I guess? I'm not freaking out nearly as badly as I was when she first messaged me, I guess since now I've apologized and the ball is back in her court. And since I know she's taking me to that concert... that is going to be one hell of an awkward car ride, though. :I

    I also talked to my mom about the whole thing and she basically told me not to bother talking to her again after the concert, too, so there's that.
    • Like x 3
  18. missoyashirou

    missoyashirou Someone please give me a tiny dog to play with

    Can you ask for the ticket, or alternately the money back for the ticket and the option to back out? If she doesn't want to interact with you, to the point of refusing to respond to you at all, this is going to be a miserable trip for you and her. You're both better off not taking the trip together, and you either going along with other friends or bowing out and having your funds back.
    • Like x 1
  19. budgie

    budgie not actually a bird

    I'm glad that you're not freaking out as badly anymore, since imo anything 'wrong' you did (and let's be real things like not making the bed twice in almost two years is deserving of quotation marks around 'wrong') is completely outweighed by her never mentioning it and then exploding about it all at once.
    • Like x 1
  20. winterykite

    winterykite Non-newtonian genderfluid


    @budgie under that phrasing, it might be prudent to have a rebuttal ready in case the "friend" starts talking about microaggressions.
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