Friends' Marriages Ending And How To Deal

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by Beldaran, Apr 8, 2015.

  1. Beldaran

    Beldaran 70% abuse and 30% ramen

    I feel like I've reached the age where either all of my friends are having babies, or all of my friends are getting divorced. It is frankly fucking alarming and while no one is pressuring my relationships to change or produce offspring, it's still weirding me out. Like, why does it seem alarmingly like it's EITHER babies OR divorce for everyone moving into their 30's right now?

    Just today I learned that our friends K. and C. are getting divorced. They got married within weeks of my husband and I. We were at each other's weddings. It's really sad because they seemed so into each other years afterward, but now this. It's really rough for K. because the whole thing is very sudden; he walked in on her in a compromising position with her boss. :I

    I don't know. I guess it's just scary that most of the people in all of my social groups are going through such major changes. I'm expecting a change too, my other partner/girlfriend* is moving in with us this summer. I know it's going to work. I mean, it's not just going to work, it's going to be fucking awesome, but man, if other people's relationships could stop crashing around us and contracting baby infestations** that would be great.

    I guess I'm just sad. And of course this kind of thing makes you shudder and go "what if" which is just ugh. Ugh. No. Ugh. I've been with my loves since I was 19 and 20 years old, that's a significant portion of a 29 year old person's life! I don't ever want to be without them, and seeing someone like K. who I'm sure felt the same go through this pain is really disturbing. I feel so bad for him.

    Also... I just have to vent a bit about the specific circumstances surrounding my friends' divorce. I mean, if you REALLY want to make out with someone else can't you just fucking talk about that like goddamn adults? For FUCK'S sake. Sneaking around, cheating on someone you promised to love, likely giving them serious trust issues they'll have to deal with for the rest of their lives. No! Why?!

    Bluh. :c

    *I am in my own OT3 hell yeah
    **note, I love babies. Right now I'm a huge fan of visiting other people's babies though, and not super interested in the idea of producing/adopting one.
  2. seebs

    seebs Benevolent Dictator

    Yeah, I never got the sneaking around thing. Like, yes, if you ask permission someone might say "no", but in that case, you should probably either live with that or decide you can't, not try to fuck around and wreck everything.
    • Like x 2
  3. Vacuum Energy

    Vacuum Energy waterwheel on the stream of entropy

    There's a lot of people in Western society who cannot conceive of an "open relationship" ever ending well. This category partially intersects with people who, in a more open society, would at least seriously consider polyamory. The topic is further confused by relationships that are genuinely unhappy and should end in divorce anyway, some sort of instinctive fear of cuckoldry on the part of heterosexual male partners (I am told; I am not sure if this is actually a thing; but enough men insist that it is a thing that I at least seriously consider it as an argument), religious proscriptions, and moral guardians being really really loud.

    (Maybe I am overestimating the base rate of polyamory being a thing people could adapt to, here. But I'm pretty sure that it's at least more common than current society lets people admit to it.)

    I don't think there's exactly much you can do about it, unfortunately. It's a matter couples have to discuss for themselves, if they have any open lines of communication at all. Many couples don't.
    Last edited: Apr 9, 2015
  4. seebs

    seebs Benevolent Dictator

    I concluded a while back that some people are okay with their partner being emotionally involved with other people, but jealous about physical contact, and some are okay with physical contact, but jealous about emotional involvement, and some just don't seem to be jealous at all. If one partner in a relationship is jealous about physical contact, and the other about emotional involvement, the net result is that while in theory either could be okay with some kinds of "open relationship", they are not both going to be happy with anything but monogamy.
    • Like x 2
  5. Vacuum Energy

    Vacuum Energy waterwheel on the stream of entropy

    The stereotype is that the people who are jealous about physical contact are male and the people who are jealous about emotional involvement are female, but I really don't think the stereotype is true enough to be worth maintaining as a stereotype. (Then again, there are a lot of gendered stereotypes floating around the concept of marriage and many of them are incredibly destructive. Apparently according to at least one relationship counselor on Reddit, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus is a book that needs to die in a fire.)
  6. Beldaran

    Beldaran 70% abuse and 30% ramen

    @Vacuum Energy I think your computer might be doing something weird. :o
  7. unknownanonymous

    unknownanonymous i am inimitable, i am an original|18+

    hey @Vacuum Energy you posted the same thing about four times here
  8. seebs

    seebs Benevolent Dictator

    I know at least two opposite-sex couples who have "we can have sex with other people, as in, both of us at the same time" as their boundary.
  9. Vacuum Energy

    Vacuum Energy waterwheel on the stream of entropy

    OK, I've deleted the extraneous messages.

    This house has one internet connection shared among about nine or ten people, and it's not even a good internet connection. Between 10PM and 12PM you can pretty much forget about browsing the Internet. I do it anyway because apparently I do not know when to give up.
    • Like x 1
  10. seebs

    seebs Benevolent Dictator

    I'm surprised the dupe post filter didn't catch them.
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