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fuckity fuck

Discussion in 'Brainbent' started by idiomie, Jan 9, 2017.

  1. idiomie

    idiomie ;&

    Everything is terrible and I hate it I hate it I hate it. There's a pit in my chest and I'm sick to my stomach and it doesn't get better. I keep waiting for things to be better, for life to be worth living, and it's not, it doesn't get better, it's all terrible and pointless and exhausting and then you die. And I am so tired of having to talk myself out of going down the thought-road that leads to me killing myself, of heading off that train of thought every time it rears its ugly head, on the premise that it gets better when it fucking isn't.

    I'm so tired. And I don't have a therapist right now and I thought my appointment for my psychiatrist was today but it's actually tomorrow so I wasted an entire drive into the town and I have an 8am for interterm and then 8ams every fucking day for spring semester and I am so done. (If I live long enough for this: I am never taking another 8am again. Ever. They aren't worth it, they're agonizing and full of brain fog and I know that if I don't start classes until 10am, I am a functional human being who actually aces all their classes. I am never taking an 8am again.)

    Objectively, things are looking better. Why does everything feel so terrible.
     
  2. idiomie

    idiomie ;&

    On a slightly less depressed note, I am craving soup. Not just any soup (I mean, yes, technically any soup), but the good kind that my mom makes. She makes all her own stock, out of chicken bones and cow bones and pig bones (not all in the same stock, mind) and even though the soup is definitely a liquid when you eat it, it becomes jello in the fridge. And it's like I physically need that soup-jello to fill the void in my chest. It doesn't matter what kind of soup, if it's made the right way, I always feel better and more whole after it eating it.

    The soups at school are watered down and oily. They cannot compare.
     
  3. idiomie

    idiomie ;&

    STOP POKING ME STOP POKING ME STOP POKING ME

    I'M SORRY I'M ANGRY I KNOW I'M OVERREACTING AND THAT YOU'RE BEING CUTE AND THAT NORMALLY I WOULD GIGGLE AND POKE YOU BACK BUT I SWEAR ALL I AM IS RAGE

    on a less homicidal note, at least I'm less depressed and suicidal
     
  4. idiomie

    idiomie ;&

    I used to really love horror as a genre. I had a pretty high tolerance for gore and violence, and had fairly detailed sadistic day dreams/fantasies/intrusive thoughts. Idk what to call them. Something like that.

    I remember being a preteen and being absolutely fascinated by the idea of torture. I never hurt anything, but I dissected dead things and wished they were alive so I could fiddle. I had several conversations with my father about why torture was wrong, because evidently my interest was extreme enough as to require multiple interventions.

    And I really, really loved the horror genre. Movies, games, books, all of it.

    And then I got severely depressed mid high school and I'm only just getting that addressed/recovering. I stopped liking everything. So I'm going through things I used to like. And I don't like horror any more. I can barely stand violence or gore, mindfucks and jumpscares give me paranoia, I can't tolerate any violence against children, and the thoughts of violence I have now are definitely the intrusive kind.

    I dunno what to do with myself. I'm not particularly upset I'm not apparently a sadist anymore, but I miss the horror genre. I miss my old favorite games and books and movies, because I can't even consume them for nostalgia's sake. I legitimately feel like I've lost a core part of my identity, even if it wasn't one I would've said I liked or felt attached to when I still had it.
     
    • Like x 2
  5. Birdy

    Birdy so long

    i...huh. not exactly same cause i'm still pretty into horror, but i was a lot more demented and sadistic when i was a kid and not yet in the throes of major depression. weird.

    but yeah. depression sucks cause of what it takes from you. me, i lost my love of reading, it just became too tiring. but i'm getting better and maybe i'll never devour two books in a day like i used to, but i listen to more music now, and play more games and stuff. so like i lost things but there's things i still have, and things that get to be new parts of me. i dunno. witnessed.
     
    • Like x 2
  6. idiomie

    idiomie ;&

    It's just ... sad? And it didn't just take away my love for horror, it took away my ability to handle any kind of horror or violence or gore. Like, I tried reading KS and it's exactly the shit I used to be into? But it upset me so much, my boyfriend thought me reading it was an attempt at self harm.

    It wouldn't be so bad if my interests had just changed, but I can't interact with the genre at all now. :(

    (And I totally feel you on the reading. Same.)
     
    • Like x 1
  7. Birdy

    Birdy so long

    that's really...interesting was the word i wanted to say and like it is but...sad, i think is more courteous. i don't know exactly what your situation is but if it's just depression causing you to lose your tolerance for it entirely that's really unfortunate.

    but hey it's an opportunity to pick up a new interest! magical girl anime! speedrunning! the golf channel! magic the gathering! idk
     
    • Like x 2
  8. idiomie

    idiomie ;&

    So I'm going to Katsucon. I registered back in August but then my friend I was gonna share a room with wasn't sure it would work out (they were inviting me to share a room with them, their aunt and their cousins), and I didn't have the money to afford a hotel room on my own or know anybody else, so I just quietly assumed I wouldn't be going.

    Got a text last night saying there is definitely room for me. Ask my parents if they'll pick me up from college and take me to the metro/take me back to college Sunday. Everything is working out.

    WHY AM I SO ANXIOUS. EVERYTHING IS FINE. EVERYTHING IS GREAT. I FEEL LIKE I'M DYING.

    I know I don't handle surprises well but jfc.
     
    • Like x 3
  9. idiomie

    idiomie ;&

    Had a (mild? as mild as they ever can be) suicidal crisis where I felt like killing myself for two hours, decided to text Dove, and wound up in counseling services.

    I'm consigned to the buddy system for the next foreseeable 24 hours basically. Boyfriend, Mama Cat or Queer Cat, or the sitting room of counseling services, plus or minus actually going to classes. I say consigned, but it's my idea because I figure the worst thing for me right now is isolation.

    The thought process behind "wow everything would totally be better if I was dead" was something like: I did well on my last two exams => I'm actually doing pretty well in all my classes => I'm a dysfunctional faker who can't actually keep up with my responsibilities => I should kill myself. Aided and abetted by my very busy schedule for the rest of the month that has been causing me to stress out and shut down by turns, plus my parents are trying to talk me into going off my meds.

    Whatever. I'm not dead so like. I guess that counts for something.
     
    • Like x 2
  10. Zin

    Zin Professional Lurker

    Hell, that is fucking rough. I'm glad you're taking steps to stay safe.
     
  11. idiomie

    idiomie ;&

    Last night was kinda rough and I was a bitch. My boyfriend seems okay and seems to be sincere about being okay but like. I was really really shitty.

    We were talking about me being suicidal, because I tend to start thinking "why are you even dating me if I'm just going to kill myself" and what not. And I'm also still kinda (majorly) pissed at him for verbally cornering me into saying I wouldn't kill myself a few weeks ago. Like, it doesn't bother me day to day, but when I'm suicidal or thinking about me being suicidal, it pisses me off. And I understand that I can't exactly ask him to stop trying to keep me alive, so it's not like he'll stop this behavior, but I'm still pissy about it. I hate feeling manipulated into staying alive. I don't think suicide is inherently the wrong choice and the burden of proof is on life to justify staying alive.

    So anyway we're talking about what it was like when I almost died back in October and he told me I caused more suffering to myself by trying to kill myself than if I hadn't and I. Did not take that well. And told him, "then next time I try to kill myself, I'll be sure to use a gun."

    Which. I realized about as soon as I'd said it that that was a super shitty thing to say. I don't want to hurt him except when I do, and even then, I still don't want to hurt him.

    We talked about it this morning and basically the goal is to implement "when idiomie is too angry and lashing out, it's time to end the conversation, BEFORE hurtful things are said" which is definitely manageable, although I'll probably still fuck up in the early stages of doing it.

    I still feel guilty. I don't understand how he can put up with me when I'm suicidal, let alone when I'm lashing out at him. And I don't even know what not being suicidal would be like, so I can't envision any future where I'm not, and how does anyone put up with that forever?
     
  12. idiomie

    idiomie ;&

    This was not helped by him asking this morning if that was a test because wow did I fuck up a couple of weeks ago.

    So when I think of interacting with people, I generally run on a very basic "input => output" model (lol doesn't everyone) and people I either interact with regularly enough that it affects me or whom I actually care about get a very detailed model that's predictive. I'm working on a predictive model for my boyfriend. So I'm testing it.

    And then I did the dumbest thing and told my boyfriend this and now he thinks I'm testing him like "are you cheating on me" "will you treat me right if I do x crazy thing" and no, that's not what I'm doing. It's more accurate to say that I'm testing myself. I don't care what your response is. I care about my ability to predict it.

    And also no, last night had nothing to do with that, I was hurting and angry and wanted to make you hurt and stop poking the places that make me hurt. This was not "is it true that I can poke x times before annoyance" it was GO AWAY GO AWAY GO AWAY.
     
  13. Artemis

    Artemis there is no epilogue in sburb sing se

    Not sure if input (eyyyyyy) is welcome, but fwiw your predictive model explanation sounds like a thing which makes sense and I notice myself doing sometimes, with the exception of not using the specific word "test" and using the format "if I say/do X does that make you respond Z way" when I am being exceptionally obvious about gathering data about it.

    So. Um. Not alone? If it is any help that I understand the thing.

    I have "put up with" suicidal friends and a partner for many years and have no intention or interest in stopping any time soon, and as far as I know of they have no plans to cease putting up with me, and some of these are relationships going on over 10 years at this point, so. That's a decent running, I think, for saying it's definitely a thing that is possible for people to put up with forever.
     
    • Like x 1
  14. idiomie

    idiomie ;&

    (Input is generally welcome, I like the void screaming back at me. If I ever post anything I don't want input on, I'll probably make a note of it.)

    Yeah, I didn't think my input/output thing was particularly unusual, except that maybe people don't explicitly define it as such. But I'm pretty sure it's something everybody does. Just, phrasing what I've been doing recently as "testing" really did not convey what I wanted it to convey. I probably should have gone for "more intensive data gathering and refinery process phase."

    And it is reassuring to hear that you have "put up with" suicidal friends and partners for so long.
     
    • Like x 1
  15. idiomie

    idiomie ;&

    And separate from my reply, back to the first post last night, teasing apart why I am apparently self-destructive enough to want my boyfriend to dump me:

    I don't actually see myself surviving this semester, let alone anything like "the rest of my life." Like, I can envision a pretend future years down the road because it's just play pretend, but I can't make plans anywhere between 2-6 months in the future right now because it's immediate BSOD and consistently ends with me in counseling center for a crisis*.

    Like, for the most part, I'm not "actively" suicidal insofar as I'm not actively trying to kill myself at any given moment during the day. I'm not even particularly passively suicidal, because I am taking steps to prevent myself from getting into dangerous situations that could kill me (or result in me killing myself), even if I do mostly perceive these as an unwanted burden: no alcohol, checking for cars when I cross the street, avoiding things I'm allergic to/carrying my inhaler around, etc.

    But aside from that, I'm pretty on board with killing myself, at least in the abstract. Like, no definitive plans as of right now, but uh. I don't see a future where I don't kill myself. Like, "realistically" speaking, it just doesn't exist. Which might just be, lol hey I'm still fucking depressed, even if I'm on meds and it's not as bad anymore, but it's still there.

    Killing myself will hurt my boyfriend. A lot. For probably a long time. I don't see why he wants to continue pouring effort into that, when there's no future that doesn't end in "failure" for him. I don't want him to be hurt, but I want to die more than I care. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

    ETA:
    *Like I'm a sophomore in college and I literally cannot plan out my schedule for next year. Specifically next fall. Spring was already mostly planned, so I just added a class and it's done, but I have no classes for next fall and every time I try it it's just PANIC.
     
    Last edited: Mar 27, 2017
  16. idiomie

    idiomie ;&

    Today's journal entry:

    Let’s do some fun math. The lethal dose of ibuprofen is 400 mg/kg or possible as high as 495 mg/kg. I weigh 130 lbs. A single pill of ibuprofen is usually 200 mg. How much ibuprofen do I need to achieve a lethal dose?

    Well, let’s use the higher lethal dosage, just to be safe, and round that up to 500 mg/kg just so I have a nice round number. My weight fluctuates, so let’s round that up to 140 lbs to be on the safe side too. And one pound is equal to 0.454 kg.

    140 * 0.454 = 63.56

    So let’s round that up and say that I weight 64 kg.

    64 * 500 / 200 = 160

    So I need 160 200 mg pills to kill me. And this is all using estimates that are slightly higher (a higher lethal dose, more weight), so this is probably overkill. Ha, overkill.

    I have a 74 200 mg ibuprofen pills. It’s a 100 pill count bottle that I bought from the grocery store in town. It was about $2. For a nice walk and another $2, I could have 174 pills, easily meeting my requirement of 160.

    Fuck.
     
  17. Artemis

    Artemis there is no epilogue in sburb sing se

    I would advise not doing that.
     
  18. idiomie

    idiomie ;&

    I was on my way to the bus stop to take the bus to Starbucks and ran into my boyfriend. Decided to follow him back to the room.
     
  19. idiomie

    idiomie ;&

    Arguments for why I shouldn't kill myself, at least right now: the game plan would basically be, take the ibuprofen, take a nap, hope the abdominal pain doesn't wake me up before I die. Complicating matters: I sleep in my boyfriend's room. I would rather he didn't find me dead in his bed.

    Also he would probably notice something was wrong and take me to the hospital, and I really cannot afford another hospital visit.
     
    Last edited: Mar 27, 2017
  20. idiomie

    idiomie ;&

    Dove and Forest are fighting. Which, when if I take a second to not be panicky, is completely unsurprising because this fight has been a long time coming. This is a fight Dove and I already had. Like. It was gonna happen, and anyway they were going to have at least a disagreement/clash over something eventually. And a small degree of fighting and clashing is normal and realistically, I don't think this is actually going to ruin their friendship but like.

    All I can think about is how Forest and Ariel were fighting fighting fighting all the damn time and oh god what if they [Dove and Forest] start too I really cannot handle that. But I'm not saying anything to either of them, I'm just gonna let them fight this out and see where they get (because this was expected, if not this particular fight, then one in general; because really my only involvement would be panicking at both of them to back off and leave the other alone which doesn't resolve anything; because my involvement would be about how this is stressing me out, which isn't helpful; because they have to learn how to have disagreements with each other).

    So there's that.

    I'm playing the violin in a talent show next Friday and I am not prepared in the slightest. I'm playing a medley I arranged. It's only about four minutes long but four minutes is plenty of time to fuck up and I haven't touched my violin in like a year and a half. I've lost some of the muscle memory for how to do fingerings! And my violin no longer has the tape to mark the fingers so I'm playing it by ear, ha. Also my E and G strings are wildly out of tune and by wildly I mean "slightly too flat or too sharp but I don't have perfect pitch so I can't tell which, I just know that it's wrong."

    But like. The actual medley I arranged is pretty cool. It's going to sound very pirate-y because one of the songs I picked is "Pirates of the Aegean." One of the other songs I picked has terrible terrible fucking complicated fingerings and notes and I kinda went fuck it and took a lot of liberties with length of notes so that the basic ratio and pitch is left unchanged, but it's not "play a slur of three sixteenth notes where you have to cross strings because you can't change position fast enough" anymore. Even if my technical playing ability has suffered because I haven't played for so long, I'm pleased that my ability to sight read and know what would sound good together hasn't!

    So Ariel has a proana/thinspo blog. Back when we were dating I would check it occasionally because it gave me a better sense of where she was mentally with regards to her eating disorder (because she was fucking lying to me, but that's a rant for another day). I'm still super guilty about the fact that it's my fault she even knows the proana community exists and that technically her most recent fall back into disordered behavior and thinking is my fault but that's not what this is about.

    I don't check Ariel's main blog because I couldn't handle her "j tag" for me where she was accusing me of stalking her and being abusive during our relationship, but sometimes I still check the proana blog. Because I'm petty and mean and enjoy the fact that she has been quietly exploding on it for the past several weeks. Apparently she got a hold of a scale sometime this month and is at her highest weight ever and is having a meltdown about it! And I enjoy that her life has apparently gone to shit and that her coping response (the eating disorder) isn't working out. Fuck her.

    (But also, yknow, you really shouldn't make fun of people for their mental disorders. Bad form, idiomie. Ugh.)

    Edited for spelling
     
    Last edited: Mar 31, 2017
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