Help. (Literal perfomance anxiety NOT NFSW)

(This is slightly a vent? But not really I genuinely need How To People help here I almost put it in the social interractions thread.)

So. I'm going to be going to my first poetry open mic on the 25th. yay? ^^;;;

On the one hand there's a small part of me that really still wants to perform and Be Heard. I know my poetry's decent enough, and enough friends have heard/read it now that they think it's good enough to be read to a wider audience. I get that, and I know logically it'll do a great deal for my self-confidence. But...

On the other.

Not only do I have mass amounts of less-formed Anxiety brain demons going "STOP BOTHERING PEOPLE THEY'LL HATE YOU YOU'LL GET BOOED OFF STAGE OR JUST IGNORED." I also have. Memories. I just.

The few times I put myself up there as a kid - and don't get me wrong, I love performing arts and music and always wanted to be on stage - there was. A reaction. From my brother and mum.

My brother has always found everything I do to be mortifyingly embarassing, and whenever I so much as raised my hand in a crowd or sang outloud walking down the street or made my loading-sound animal noises he would cringe and tell me to stop, please stop, just stop. And I just. He's not a bad person, in fact he's a great deal better at being a mainstream passing-as-allistic human than I ever have been, and I always wanted to get along better with him.

So I stopped. I stopped singing outloud in public, I stopped calling out at talks in museums and schools and suchlike, I tried tried tried to be a less 'embarrassing' person. I stopped making noises, stopped auditioning for anything. I crushed that part of me down as far as it would go because every time I tried I would just see his embarrassment and disgust.

Ed's moved to Canada, we're more distant than ever, and yet I'm still stupid stupid stupid trying to make amends for being me. (We used to get along so well when he was little, but then he grew up and formed Opinions and Learned How To People, which I never got the memo on. It doesn't help that sperglord me NEVER sees or hears about siblings that are just - indifferent - to each other, either they're worse enemies or best friends and I don't. Understand. I don't get it why is he so cold what did I do.)

It's only been these last few years, around friends that I actually knew wouldn't mind that I started singing along with them again.

Then there's mum. Who's very supportive of this open mic thing and tries to be supportive in everything, but when I was younger she was always like Don't Talk To Strangers, Stop Bothering The Nice Man, shut up, stop rambling, shut up.

So I don't. I don't talk to people outside of online, I feel like a horrible person for starting conversations, and I panic when I meet people who are more autistic than me and have similar lack of brain-to-mouth filter. (stop talking stop shut up why can you talk when i can't you're gonna get in trouble that's against the Rules stopit stoppit shut up please stoppit)

As you can imagine, it's damn near impossible for me to make friends outside of an online group or on facebook because even if I manage to do the face-to-face mouth talking thing as soon as it's done I'm exhausted and guilty because I'm clearly been Bothering The Nice Person I should go away shut up shut up don't butt in don't talk over people don't say anything because talking is rude except when other people do it.

So mum's like "Yeah great, tell your poetry to a bunch of strangers, I'm sure they'll love it!" and my brain just goes ??? THIS IS BREAKING THE RULES YOU SET UP???

And the worst thing is, she's so allistic that I know I can't explain it to her without her going 'oh don't be so silly, that's completely different!' (NO IT ISN'T I'M MAKING WORD SOUNDS AT STRANGERS YOU TOLD ME NOT TO BECAUSE I'M BOTHERING THEM)

Fuck. This got long as hell.

Just. Please. Any tips or advice is appreciated. Please?

 

It's different because strangers are attendig open mic night specifically so they can hear you making mouth noises, because that's what the event is for. If it bothered them they wouldn't attend.

 

The only way to get better is to actually get on your feet and do it. There are no shortcuts or tips or tricks.

 

OK, I do have a couple tips about how to get better at speaking. One is weird and one is very uncomfortable.

1. Talk to a wall. Seriously--this is something people who compete in Speech events do. Get a cheap timer from the dollar store and do your "act" right into a wall. Get used to how it feels to use your voice and how your body feels. Note that speaking is physical work and if you haven't spoken a lot, you will get physically tired. You have to both get used to the physical effects of speaking for several minutes and strengthen your muscles. Not just just your "mental muscles" but the actual muscles used to speak.

There is something about talking to the wall that decreases nervousness and lets you get a little more into the physical sensation of speaking.

2. Record yourself. EVERYBODY HATES THIS! But really, the only way you will get better is if you listen to yourself and correct things you are doing wrong. Let me repeat, EVERYBODY HATES THIS!

 

@rigorist - I have been recording myself, as much as I can bear! (So far it's only once or twice a day, though.) I'm finding it hard to shake the feeling that my voice is awful and nasal and annoying, though, and my brain's way of compensating is apparently to drop my tibre, which wears my throat out faster than using my regular tone ^^;;;

Thanks for your encoragement, guys! It's hard, but it is making me feel better about this awkward tangled mess of a thing ^^;;;;

Oh, and also, @wixbloom - logically I know that it's a completely different situation and I know I'll have at least one friend there in the crowd to back me up even if things do go as south as my brain-demons keep telling me. But they're brain-demons for a reason and a little thing like logic ain't stopping them so easy ^^;;;

 

@PotteryWalrus I understand that completely, I thought it was worth a shot because some kinds of brain-demons are susceptible to some kinds of logic and it wouldn't hurt me to try ;D

 

I should also add that back when I performed we had two common rehersal techniques which were 1. practice in front of a mirror, try to keep a good stance and alter between sweeping glances of the room and looking yourself in the eye (because the best way to perform to a captive audience is if you're able to look at least a little bit at each of them; if the eyes are too hard, stare at your/their forehead instead) and 2. practice to a stage of pets or stuffed animals, or action figures or sculptures or whatever. This is a step between staring at the wall and staring at yourself: you have some level of engagement with an audience, without needing to look critically at yourself in case that's hard for you.

 

Hmm. I don't know if it would be helpful, but have you ever seen King's Speech? If you are rushed for time, save it for later, but it has to do with speech impediments and public speaking. It may be cathartic? Also some of the techniques they use are interesting.

 

Oh! And for data's sake, I have 5 siblings and I am indifferent to half of them. Close to none of them, and cut off one of them.

 

The nasal-sounding voice on recording thing is unfortunately unavoidable and happens to everyone who listens to recordings of themselves. It does not mean you actually sound nasal to anyone else in the universe, but you are guaranteed to sound nasal and weirdly high-pitched to yourself in recordings, which sucks and does nothing for anyone's confidence.

There are two ways for sound to get to your cochlea, the part of your ear that sends information about sounds to the brain. Usually, sounds travel through the air, down the air tunnel into your ears, and vibrate your eardrum, which is attached to some bones that jiggle the cochlea around for sound detection purposes. But in some cases, sound can actually travel to the cochlea by vibrating your skull instead, which is called "bone conduction." This mostly happens when you're talking or singing, since the mouth noises are sound made inside your skull and all.

Different frequencies of sound are enhanced by different conduction media. If the way things sound in air is "normal," sound underwater sounds low and flat because higher frequencies are lost - water's viscosity absorbs them. Sound through bone conduction tends to sound rounder and fuller in the low frequencies, your skull enhances low rumbly cello type sounds. So your voice as you hear it is always going to sound fuller, especially in lower frequencies than on a recording.

Spoiler: mild real life body horror tangent

Too much bone conduction is bad, though. Some people who develop an extra reverberant skull structure (a small void in the skull near the ear) can actually hear the scrapy noises their eyes make moving around in their sockets.

Spoiler: inane sentimental tangent

I like to lean my head against loved ones' skulls or chests when they're talking. I imagine my skull picks up some of the vibrations and I hear their voices a little closer to the way they actually hear themselves. This isn't science, just sentimentality, but it makes me happy, because I am a weirdo. :)

Anyway: you sound fine to everyone else, I promise. But many speakers and singers never get used to the wrongness of hearing their recorded voices without their lovely skull friend's cello noises and you might be one of them (I am). It's very jarring. You just can't possibly, due to unfriendly physics, sound like yourself on a recording. I really feel you on the "compensating by lowering timbre" thing. So much witness.

Good luck, whether you read poetry, or just attend and scout out the venue and make plans to read poetry some other time.

 

So how'd the open mic go, if you went? No shame if your life got busy or you didn't feel like it or whatever, obviously.

 

I was just thinking I should update you guys! I DID THE THING :D

I had three kinds of panic attack when they put me on first, but I went up there, read my three poems, and got applause and good feedback. I... am still not entirely confident doing it in my home town where I don't know anyone, but it was good to do it with friends in the crowd to support me :)

 

YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY FOR YOU!!!!