I've made some progress it took me a year to start seeing my therapist again, but I did it. it took me a year and a half to get past my fear of making phonecalls to get my ADHD evaluation, but I did it. it took me another two months to contact the referred psychiatrist, but I did it. I'm taking welbutrin now, and mostly remembering to do it regularly, it seemed to be helping the first while I have not been doing well for the last week or more I feel like no matter what changes I make, no matter what things I accomplish, no matter if I successfully move out of my parents' house or not, I'm always going to be one bad day away from a spiral I'm always going to be useless! I'm always going to be worthless. I don't even want to be productive a lot of the time. I'm perpetually burnt out, retail work puts me in levels of pain I can't withstand for more than six months, and I can't get my shit together for a sit down job, let alone something in the art industry Spoiler: suicidal ideation (I'm not going to do it) sometimes I feel like I want to off myself before everyone figures it out once and for all how much of a selfish burden I'm always going to be, which is so fucking selfish and horrible in and of itself
it's okay to feel bad sometimes even if you're making progress, it's natural and it doesn't mean you're going to be a failure at all! your achievements are reel and valid and even if you did have a bad day or a downward spiral you'd be able to get up from it just like you've managed so much already! you're not useless and you're worth a lot more than whether you can alwaves be productive or not anyway, you're an important person and i bubblieve in you! c:
thank you it's frustrating how I never seem to arrive at any increased amount of stability, but I do feel better today
I'm reeeeeeally tired of this bout of weepiness that's been going on for a week for literally no reason!! and I'm r eally tired of being so fragile and sensitive to the tiniest hint of rejection so many things have improved since that first post, I'm on meds that allow me to be consistently productive and that lessens a lot of my depression but this shit thiiiis shit, this oversensitivity shit this "oh I told a joke and then didn't get much of a response looks like I'm going to be overcome with misery for the next hour" shit this "loved one is busy because of finals, it's definitely a reasonable response to physically feel like there's an icepick in my chest" shit like I can do CBT for the spiraling thoughts that can arise ("I feel unproportionally fucked up over from someone not being as interested in a link I showed them as I'd hoped, what kind of person gets fucked up over something so trivial, that's stupid, who would want to deal with someone like that, no one would like me if they knew I was such a big baby, I don't deserve love, I want to die" <- that shit) I can do CBT for that, and it works sometimes but that initial stabbing, takes-your-breath-away pain over tiny moments of rejection is completely untouched and I'm starting to think it's just hardwired into me which is not great!
tfw you're in an alright mood and you start messaging someone and they say they're a bit busy talking to someone else and you feel like everything from your jaw to the bottom of your ribcage has been hollowed out sure love my incredibly proportionate reactions to rejection they are top notch
it makes it hard for me to gauge when my being upset is something reasonable or not, whether it was out of line for the other person to say my default is to not say anything because I tend to assume that they weren't doing anything I have a right to criticize/I have nothing specific to ask them to do differently, so it's not fair to ruin their day if there's no immediate way forward (geeze I just realize how huge a thing that is for me. even if someone did something wrong that other people are assuring me is wrong, if I don't have anything productive to request, I feel like I have no right to say anything) the example above I know is not their problem, and if someone were to express the kind of feelings I get because I told them I was busy, I would feel like they were being very manipulative and I would feel very uncomfortable, so I would not say anything about that but there's other times when would someone talk about suicide when they wanted something from me, or consistently get upset when I tell them something good happened to me, or guilt tripping me for not always being able to be verbal when I'm anxious, or consistently talking about my body to other people when I've asked them not to and it takes me months or years of justifying it and saying nothing for me to finally realize I didn't deserve to be treated that way I don't want it to take months to realize that anymore, I want my perception of boundaries to stop being broken
I've seen stuff about rejection sensitive dysphoria and it sounds uncannily similar to my experience I should read up on it more
that feel when you're supposed to be opening up to people when you're hurt, but it's just more RSD shit and there's literally no way to talk to the person involved without being manipulative being busy with someone else isn't something being done to me, like, what am I supposed to do? "stop not spending time with me!" yeah fucking right
