Honest "why shouldn't I kill myself" Advice (TW)

Discussion in 'Braaaaiiiinnnns...' started by mahina, Mar 8, 2017.

  1. mahina

    mahina spooky scary bpder

    HUGE SUICIDE TRIGGER


    Getting this out of the way first though: Yes, this is a sock puppet account. I'm posting this thread on it because I don't want this kind of thing tied to my main, because something about showing weakness.

    So, as the title says. I need some honest advice on why I shouldn't kill myself. Because I want to. Because I've been trying since a very young age. Because even after all those failed attempts, I still don't see the purpose behind life, and the only thing keeping me from shooting myself in the fucking head is a fear of guns and a fear of dying in general.

    I NEED some honest advice. I think people could also benefit from honest advice. So consider this thread as not just for me but for any of you who might also need to hear it. But first, I'll lay down my own "guidelines".

    I don't want advice that boils down to suicide being selfish, or people loving and missing me, or anything of the sort. At this point in time, while I care about other people, I'm sick of being guilted into not trying and feeling guilty for trying because of how other people would feel about it. I'm sick of being called selfish because apparently other people's pain at hearing of my death is more important than why I want to die. I don't feel like people would give a shit if I was gone from their life in any other capacity, and that they'd only care if the means by which I was gone was death. Because I feel like no one cares about me, period. I don't want to hear about how other people would feel if I was dead. I'm sick of it, it's not helpful, it makes me feel even worse than I did when I last tried. So, please, none of that bullshit.

    I want reasons I should stay alive for myself, because I'm sure as hell not finding any on my own.
     
  2. palindromordnilap

    palindromordnilap Well-Known Member

    If you screw up, not even taking into account the injuries, there's a good chance you'll get stuck in a shitty institution for a while.
     
  3. KingStarscream

    KingStarscream watch_dogs walking advertisement

    So, this is possibly something you've thought of already but I'm putting it out there anyways: is there anything that you like (a TV show, a craft thing, a video game, whatever) that updates or comes out with new things frequently? Because while I'm not actively suicidal, a lot of my more passive suicidal ideation gets easier to ignore if I can tell myself "I'm not doing that because the video game I really want is coming out in a few months and I need to be able to see it."

    It's not an obligation to anyone but yourself, but it does have a reward attached. Even what feels like really dumb stuff-- "there's a new sushi joint opening up in a year and I really want to try it" or "apparently we're getting an anime convention in my area and I have to see how this goes"-- can be enough.

    I do it with books a lot, because a couple authors I love are doing serials right now and there's a pretty standard schedule they release on. It means there's always something to keep dangling on the stick.
     
    • Like x 1
  4. mahina

    mahina spooky scary bpder

    Sorry, Alix, but not helpful. Kinda playing off fears of institutionalization and being abandoned by the people I like as a result. I don't like being "scared" into not doing it.

    (Also all methods I've used to try thus far have been "they either kill me or I just get flu-like symptoms for a while", so no injuries here to speak of)

    Hmm, now that you put it that way. Quite a few things, actually. The webcomic I'm reading left it's volume 1 on a cliffhanger, and a game I play still has yet to exit early access.
     
    • Like x 1
  5. KingStarscream

    KingStarscream watch_dogs walking advertisement

    Yeah, shit like... I want to say it was FMA that really got me through highschool? Because it was in endgame when I was at my worst, and daily checking scans sites to see if the latest chapter had been uploaded became sort of my ritual.

    It's part of why I pick up new webcomics whenever I get down too-- the more shit I have to look forward to, the less appealing dying before it's out gets.
     
    • Like x 1
  6. mahina

    mahina spooky scary bpder

    Only thing is: the game and the webcomic don't update consistently. The game tries to make a habit out of one big update per month, but considering those are big updates, sometimes they fall behind schedule. The web comic is a... I check it once a month and hope they updated kind of thing.

    Hm. I'm thinking of other things I'm looking forward too. Do you have any webcomics you'd recommend? Shows?
     
  7. Aondeug

    Aondeug Cringe Annoying Ass Female Lobster

    I'm not sure if it will help you but sheer endless spite helps me at times with it. Like there's my brain telling me oh we must kill ourselves and there's reality being shit. And fuck that. Fuck you, life. You don't get to win. I get to win. Me. I don't fucking care if someone will be sad if I die, that isn't what I care about right now. Right now all I care about is living in violent, hateful spite.

    So I basically frame it as a personal battle that I'm not going to lose because fuck you. Telling me I can't do a thing or should do a thing.
     
    • Like x 4
  8. KingStarscream

    KingStarscream watch_dogs walking advertisement

    Hm!

    Agents of the Realm, Paranatural, Gunnerkrigg Court, Namesake, Never Satisfied, and Wilde Life are the ones I check most often these days. They tend to update at least twice a week, and on different days-- AOTR, Namesake, and Never Satisfied are variants on magical knight series, while Paranatural and Gunnkrigg are coming of age fantasy stories with a lot of comedy. Wilde Life is... I don't want to call it urban fantasy because it's rural, but it has a lot of those elements.

    For shows, I've been watching Face Off since the first season, and they average one season a year, sometimes two, depending on how they're staggering their contestants. I've heard really good things about Stranger Things, and it's getting a second season-- there's an American Gods TV series coming out soon too, if Gaiman's your thing.
     
    • Like x 1
  9. dobedobedo

    dobedobedo Member

    Girl Genius is still going, and has a pretty complex plot, although I don't know if 'insane steampunk mad science magic' is up your alley.
     
  10. electroTelegram

    electroTelegram Well-Known Member

    im just going to talk about my personal experience, and maybe that'll help? i dont know if this is helpful, and im not trying to claim a universal thing, just my experience.

    so. i was suicidal for many, many years. since grammar school maybe. and through a series of rather arbitrary events, i end up in a life threatening situation. a really serious life threatening situation that, at the risk of exposing too much personal information, is still ongoing. when that happened it felt like i was being hit by a metaphorical truck, because i had been dreaming about death for years and years and suddenly it was right there in front of me and i just. it's different. death-in-reality is different from any kind of suicide ideation i had ever imagined and it was awful and terrifying and i realized that what i wanted was the dream-death, the death you imagine when you hate yourself and want to cease to exist. real death isn't like that. real death is horrifying in a way i cant fully articulate, and in that moment i realized that i really, really did not want to die.

    all those years i wanted death, and then it was in front of me, and i don't want to die anymore.

    and i think my kind of realization isn't unique. from here, and interview with a man who survived a suicide attempt off the golden gate bridge.

    bolding mine

    also, spite. spite is good.
     
  11. Artemis

    Artemis i, an asexual moron

    You did not ask for "only advice that helps me, which you should know despite me stating explicitly this is a sockpuppet to obscure my identity".
    You asked for "advice that is not 'suicide is selfish because think of other people'".
    Which Alix gave. I fail to understand why you appear upset at Alix for thus proxing exactly what you asked for, which was an honest perspective of possible advice. It not working for you doesn't make it unhelpful across the board -- I also suggest "dude the hospitalization phase afterwards if you survive sucks" as a reason not to do so, for anyone who that does seem like a practical side effect to consider.
     
  12. Mercury

    Mercury Well-Known Member

    @Artemis Picking at Mahina for not responding as you think appropriate seems kind of weird and insensitive, given the topic. It's not a general advice thread, so pointing out that Alix's advice might be helpful to other people is kind of beside the point.

    @mahina seconding PR in the usefulness of getting through bad times by giving yourself things to look forward to. For web comic recs I second Paranatural, and would like to add Kill Six Billion Demons and Back. Both update very regularly, and K6BD pretty much constantly has something cool going on in the story, and a lot of story to come.

    Bargaining with myself in general has been helpful in keeping me going. Telling myself okay, I know I want to die, but if I do it now I won't be able to see particular friends again/finish that cool project I've been working on/see if that game ever gets a sequel/eat a particular kind of chocolate that only comes out at Christmas. It doesn't matter if it's small silly things or big things, reminding myself that I get to have those things again so long as I'm alive and moving forward works.

    I've seen people talking about doing a "Well, if I'm going to die anyway, I may as well do [drastic thing] before I go just to see what happens" kind of bargain with themselves, but I'm not sure how effective it is - I guess it depends on what any one person's 'drastic thing' might be. Changes in clothes styles and hairstyles can be amazingly freeing and relatively easy to do, but things like big travel plans or some huge creative endeavor can take more resources than is possible for a person to muster.
     
    • Like x 2
  13. mahina

    mahina spooky scary bpder

    .... 'k.

    I'm not at upset at Alix. I didn't clarify fully what advice I didn't want, and I told her I didn't want advice that was scary.

    When I said anyone can use this thread for suicide advice, I meant more they can come look at the advice I've been given, not necessarily request it themselves in here.

    Also being told I'm not responding "correctly" to advice when I've been actively suicidal for quite some time hurts like hell.
     
  14. electroTelegram

    electroTelegram Well-Known Member

    another thing i used to do was use multiple universe theory, like the idea that there are infinite universes, and every action splits off into a different universe. so when i felt an urge, i...... kind of convinced myself that i did kill myself, but the universe split and so im still alive in this one.

    idk if the science checks out but it was a way for me to release the urge without actually hurting myself. idk if any of this is helpful but. yeah.
     
    • Like x 1
  15. mahina

    mahina spooky scary bpder

    That makes sense.

    I'm reading all of you. I just don't necessarily have the energy to reply in depth, and I have this forum (and thus this thread) ignored on my main.
     
    • Like x 3
  16. ChelG

    ChelG Well-Known Member

    Who do you want to outlive? Live long enough to dance on the grave of whoever made you feel this bad. I'm keeping my uncle's ex in mind. (She didn't do anything to me, but for my family members' sake.)
     
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice