how do I not feel incredibly insecure in my relationship?

so like
I'm in a relationship with my favorite person in the whole world, we're in a queerplatonic relationship
but he never initiates any sort of hanging out like he does with other people, he never seems to want to see me, he never seems to want to cuddle or do anything with me and I just
he keeps saying that he does want to see me and do things with me
but I can't believe him?
so, question:
do you think I'm just expecting too much from him?
and
how do I stop feeling so insecure about this stuff so that I don't need constant reassurance from him?

edit: I asked him if he really wanted to be a part of our relationship and he said yes, but....I still don't feel like he does. what do??

 

I do not think that wanting to hang out and/or cuddle occasionally is asking too much. Unless you're demanding more from him than comes across in what you've written here (wanting to hang out All The Time, for example), I think your needs here are reasonable.

You say that he says he does want see you and do things with you, so I take it you've tried to talk with him about this problem? Did you make it clear that you are unhappy with how the relationship currently stands and that he is hurting your feelings by ignoring your needs? Maybe try talking it out again and make sure he takes you seriously.

Above all, I think feeling insecure in this situation is understandable, and I am sorry that your relationship has run into this hitch.

 

I have tried to talk to him about it--I've asked if he wants to see me, I've explained that I feel like he doesn't, I've asked that he make some time for me like he does for other people, I've asked that he initiate hanging out every once in a while, I've explained that I feel like he doesn't want to cuddle or anything, I've asked why he doesn't ever initiate things and leaves it all up to me....and his responses have mostly been along the lines of 'that's ridiculous because I do want to see you/cuddle with you/etc.' and he said he'd try and initiate things more, but....it's been like a month, and he still hasn't initiated anything at all, and I know he initiates stuff with other people because his girlfriend said he does, and his friends say he does....
and like....he always spends time with his friends. all I'm asking for is a little time with him myself. he is forty-five minutes away, but I have a car. I can drive. I've expressed that I don't mind driving.
I guess I may not have made it -entirely- clear that I'm not just insecure because of these things but also unhappy with them? but when I tried to explain I was unhappy about feeling like he didn't ever want to see me, he said that he was unaware he was supposed to feel obligated to see me, which....wasn't what I meant at all and made me feel kind of bad for making him feel that way. but at the same time, we're in a relationship--shouldn't he want to see me? or am I wrong, and this is totally normal?
part of the reason he doesn't initiate physical stuff might be that I'm a rape survivor, and when we started the relationship, I did explain that I wanted him to -ask- before he does stuff, because certain things can really trigger me, like being touched unexpectedly, especially by guys. but I didn't mean for him to never ever initiate anything. maybe I wasn't clear enough, I don't know...

 

That he frames it as an obligation is kind of a warning sign, to be honest.

From what you've said here, you're definitely not in the wrong. Your needs are very normal and it's weird (and understandably upsetting) that he's not only ignoring those needs but prioritising the same needs in others.

Baseline? It sounds like you're not getting what you need out of this relationship, and your partner can't or won't give it to you. It sounds like you're distressed by this. It may be time for the ultimatum, in my opinion -- let him know that if nothing changes, you can't continue to be part of the relationship.

I actually went through a similar thing in one of my relationships. I'm really sorry.

 

I....thought it might be, but I wasn't sure, and I really didn't want to be right about that. it kind of sucks to hear that.
yeah, I just....I guess I wouldn't mind so much if he didn't fulfill those needs with other people? like, if he was generally introverted and didn't often hang out with people, or wasn't a very physical person and didn't often cuddle with his girlfriend and friends and cuddle buddy, then I wouldn't care as much because it would be less 'oh well he's not fulfilling specifically my needs' and more 'well he needs his space and that is understandable, he is like this with everyone'. I'm glad my needs are pretty normal, though, I was worried I was demanding too much of him or something. and it kind of...hurts a lot that he ignores my needs but prioritises them in others? like, that hurts. so I don't know. it's nice to know I'm not crazy or overbearing or demanding too much, I guess.
it...might be time for that, but god, thinking about giving that makes me want to cry. I love him, a lot, and I don't want to see him go, and I guess I'm really scared that his response to an ultimatum would be flat-out that he's not going to change. and then...well. an ultimatum is an ultimatum, I'd have to follow through.
but honestly? lately it has felt suspiciously like he is not fulfilling my needs because he knows that, as my depended/qp/favorite person, I'm highly unlikely to break up with him because I feel like I need him. and my datemate said the same thing, that they feel like he's just...ignoring my needs because he sees no reason not to. he says he wants to be in the relationship, but he puts no effort into it. so maybe it is time for the ultimatum.
I'm sorry you went through that. it sucks. a lot.

 

yeah, agreeing with @oph about the 'obligations' thing being a big warning sign. i had that experience to with someone i was dating; he would make sounds about how 'oh yes i want to spend time with you' and then just... wouldn't. even though he would with his other so. sometimes i feel like the reason he started dating me in the first place was because he wasn't getting enough attention from his first so, and he was stoppering in the gaps with me.

anyway it really really sucks, but uh. i hope it helps knowing that you're not alone, and that it's not you being clingy or something.

 

Don't just follow through because it's an ultimatum -- the ultimatum should exist because it's what you need. If you're upset by his treatment of you and he refuses to change, you need to not be in a relationship with him. /$0.02

 

it does help knowing that I'm not the only one who's experienced this, and that it isn't just me being overly clingy or demanding.

and yeah, that's a fair point. I am upset by his treatment of me, and if he refuses to change, then I need to leave, for my own happiness. but it's going to hurt, like, a lot, and suck.
sigh.
I don't know.
I'm talking to him right now, or at least, I was until he stopped answering...

 

it hurt a lot, breaking up with the guy who was ignoring me, despite the fact that i knew he was making me unhappy

but it hurt a lot less than constantly having him ditch me, and tbh that's what still hurts now when i think about it

 

Seconding @budgie. It'll hurt, and it'll suck, but it'll hurt more and suck harder if you try to stay in a relationship that isn't working for you and won't work for you.

You have sympathy and support here.

 

yeah.
it hurts more having him not initiate and just...ignore my needs.
I guess I'll have this talk with him and see what comes out of it.
I asked his girlfriend what she thinks is going on, and she said that it sounds like he's afraid of scaring me off more than anything? which...I had not considered.
so I'm going to ask him about that and see what happens.

 

if it is because he's afraid of scaring you off, i'd be explicit about your boundaries. for example, 'inviting me over to watch a movie won't freak me out but asking me to sleep over will'. 'unexpected cuddles scare me but if you say 'hey wanna cuddle?' i am usually up for it'. and so on.

i honestly hope for you that that's what's going on. but (and i'm not saying that it's what's going to happen in your case) my ex was really good at saying 'oh yes i screwed up in xyz ways (but here are abc very good reasons why i did it) here let me make it up to you' and then just never really following up. so, do talk it through, and do see if he changes his behaviour, but don't wait forever for him to change.

 

I won't wait forever for him to change.
but if he is just afraid of scaring me off, I'll be explicit about my boundaries and tell him if I'm having a particularly bad day for triggers and such--like, some days being touched unexpectedly can freak me out, other times I'm generally all right with being touched unexpectedly, it varies. so I'll let him know that kind of stuff if it does turn out he's afraid of scaring me off. and I really hope that's what's happening.

 

I'd be concerned if his solution to "I don't want to scare my partner" is "I better ignore them entirely", so if that is what's going on maybe introduce him to the miracle that is clear communication

I do hope that's what's going on though, and that y'all can work out something that will make all parties involved happy and fulfilled. Got my fingers crossed that he's just being a dink and can commit to changing his dinkish ways.

 

okay!
update:
I asked him if he was just worried about scaring me off/making me uncomfortable, he said that yes, that was the reason. so I asked if he'd be comfortable with asking before he does things, and he said he has a weird mental block around asking in the moment (which I have suggested he work on jic), so I made a very explicit list of what I'm comfortable with and when I am comfortable with those things (i.e. kissing is fine when it's just us, but I'd rather not do that in public b/c I'm weird, sleepovers are cool but we sleep in separate beds b/c I toss and turn and don't think he wants to be smacked in the middle of the night and sleeping in the same room is fine, etc.), and then we agreed that I would tell him if it was a bad day for me and I didn't want to be touched, or something. my only stipulation around being told/asked when we're doing something is that he needs to give me some form of forewarning before cuddling, so that I am not shocked out of my skin and anxious because of unexpected cuddles.
so here's hoping this fixes things! we're both happy with the current arrangement, and I am not uncomfortable with anything, and he appreciates the firmer guidelines as opposed to the incredibly loose guidelines we had before, and so it should work out!
and we agreed that we'd see each other this Saturday, and I told him that I'm pretty much free 24/7 so he can ask any time he wants to hang out, and he said that was cool and that he'd make more of an effort to hang out, particularly on weekends because I explained that those are best for me and they are also better for him.
edit: also we agreed that if he worries about stuff like this in the future he'll just tell me about it instead of...waiting until I figure out what's going on

 

welp it's been almost a month and he has made literally zero changes and we are having yet ANOTHER discussion, this one about how I am second best to his girlfriend and I do not like that and that is part of the reason that I get zero affection and she gets all of it
and it does not help that I have several people shouting at me that polyamory just cannot work
maybe they are right
I do not know
I am upset

 

i've known people who make a poly relationship work, but it definitely sounds like yours is not, and also like he's doing the same things my ex did. sorry, dude. =/

 

well, that's something. I guess it can work with the right people. but this one....yeah. this one just is not working. and I may have to break up with him.
he keeps bringing up the fact that him and his girlfriend share sex, too, as if to say 'this is part of the reason you are less important to me' and I'm like? sorry I'm a sexual assault survivor who can't have sex because flashbacks? not really sorry, though, because I can't fucking help that? and he should know that?
I do not know. I am v frustrated. this is not working. I am tired of the constant headaches and his refusals to divide his affection-giving more evenly and his deliberately refusing to fulfill my needs when I've repeatedly told him what I need.

 

yeah that is super messed up. some people seem to need sex in a relationship, but the fact is that you told him you were a survivor and he knew this from the start, and he's making it out to be a problem with you rather than having the decency to say "look, this isn't working and this is why".

you deserve someone who doesn't give you constant headaches and who actually listens to you. *hugs if desired*

 

I totally get some people needing sex in a relationship, but he knew from the start I was a survivor and he knew that I would never be down for having sex. and now he's p much throwing that in my face as a reason that it's not working when he said that he would be fine with no sex.
yeah, I kind of do. and I'm just. so tired of trying to deal with this situation. so I think I'm gonna break up with him. *hugs* thanks for hugs (: