How Do Therapy

Discussion in 'Braaaaiiiinnnns...' started by wixbloom, Aug 4, 2017.

  1. wixbloom

    wixbloom artcute

    Hey,

    So I started therapy again last week and so far it's feeling like a least one wheel of a truck ran over my body, killing me instantly. Me and the new therapist have had 4 appointments so far in a getting-to-know-you kinda way, and today we were supposed to talk about how it's going to go regularly. I suggested 1 session per week, he suggested 3, I had a very fun mental breakdown.

    The reason for that is I did 3 sessions a week only on 2 occasions: for about a month in 2015 when I got bad suicidal thoughts over realizing I was trans, and for about 6 months in 2012 when I was doing very heavy debugging of some traumatic bullshit. 3x a week to me is emergency stuff, not "just a regular human living a life". My therapist, however, said he thinks 3x a week would be ideal for me simply because he can tell that I'm brimming with things to express and need a space that lets me do that, and then he said he sees 3x a week as being a sign of health.

    To me it always seemed way too draining and like I barely got enough time to process each session and continue the therapeutic process outside of the therapist's office because I was just so constantly overwhelmed. I said that made me way too overwhelmed and he said we could also work on strengthening me emotionally so it's not that overwhelming and I was not even able to respond to that but now I'm thinking bitch, what? Vulnerability is emotional strength, dude.

    And I flipped the FUCK out. I'm having spontaneous crying jags ever since I left the therapy office, and have walked into 2 different trees and also missed my bus stop twice, since. Because now I'm thinking I'm somehow bad-strong-weak for thinking that once per week is ideal and anything above 2 is way too disruptive and out of the question.

    Advice? Comfort? Thoughts?
     
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  2. wixbloom

    wixbloom artcute

    "Oh you make art whenever you can? That's cool but you know, it would be better if you could practice for at least an hour every day"

    "Oh you exercise at least once a week if spoons allow? That's nice but 3 times a week would be ideal"

    "Oh you finally got over 9 months of avoidance and sought out therapy? That's nice but you know it's a sign that you're not doing that good if you can't attend a fuckton of times a week"

    Wouldn't it, now? Wouldn't it in fact be better if I was able to accomplish ten times more than I am? :)
     
    • Witnessed x 5
  3. wixbloom

    wixbloom artcute

    I can't stop crying and I have so MUCH to do and I can't even feel anxious about it right now even though I can't do it, because my mental state is just a crater on the fucking ground
     
    • Witnessed x 6
  4. Codeless

    Codeless Cheshire Cat

    Hugs if you want any. And while it sucks it might be better to find a different therapist.
     
    • Agree x 1
  5. wixbloom

    wixbloom artcute

    I should clarify that, like, I feel accused of not being mentally well enough but he was very much not accusing me of that. I tend to, generally, feel accused of everything, all the time, unless I'm being told that the things I'm doing are the best possible things and that the decisions I'm making are the best possible decisions. The guy just doesn't know that.
     
    • Witnessed x 6
  6. wixbloom

    wixbloom artcute

    Although in writing this I realized something that has been bothering me: he never calls me by name, in the 4 sessions we've had I don't think he used my name fucking once. I knew something was bothering me but I wasn't sure what.
     
    • Witnessed x 4
  7. Secret Squirrel

    Secret Squirrel certainly something

    *THE BIG HUGS*

    This was a discussion today, yes? Just checking.

    Hopefully helpful advice mode GO!!

    First things: he can't make you go to therapy more than you're comfortable with, so if you're like, background worried about figuring out how to do that, you are justified in balling up that worry and tossing it into the waste bin.

    You seem pretty freaked out right now, so try to get home if you aren't already and do whatever is going to remove stressors for you the fastest. For me that would be putting on comfy clothes and making sure I've had food and water, if you need ideas. Also consider applying a soft cat to your face.

    3x a week might be a sign of health for him, but it's not for you, and that's ok. If he's reasonable, he should accept that once a week is optimal for you, because as you've said here, you need time outside the office for processing. More than that would be actively bad for you, which is the opposite of what therapy should do. However, because you seem shaken right now, you may want to wait to express this to him.

    If he doesn't accept this, then I'm inclined to agree with Cody that this guy doesn't suit you & you should get someone else.

    *more big hugs for good measure*
     
    • Agree x 3
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  8. Saro

    Saro Where is wizard hut

    Hey, I'm sorry you're going through this, it sounds like it's really affecting you.

    Ultimately it should be your decision, and the therapist thinking that 3x a week is better doesn't mean that it's the right choice for you. Which it really sounds like it isn't, honestly, considering your reaction. Your therapist can make suggestions but should respect your choices in terms of how often you want to meet, etc. Have you expressed any of this to them, and is there a way you can do so? Maybe email would be easier?

    Or, like Codeless said, a new therapist might be better.
     
    • Agree x 2
  9. wixbloom

    wixbloom artcute

    Oh he accepts that, I told him that 3x a week is NOT up for debate and is a hard no, and that I may EVENTUALLY consider twice a week, but not right now. He seems cool with that, I'm the one who's freaking out. And I am pretty freaked out, but I went straight home after therapy and decided I also was in no condition to attend muay thai class. I've showered, cuddled my cats, binge-watched The Gay and Wondrous Life of Caleb Gallo, and am currently in PJs about to go get something nice to drink.
     
    • Like x 3
  10. wixbloom

    wixbloom artcute

    To make stuff generally clearer: I did say in explicit terms that 3x a week is permanently off the table excepting a radical change of mind in my future, and that what I actually want is 1x per week, and he did say he'll respect whatever decision I make but he still said that in his professional opinion 3x a week is better, I'm just needing reassurance that I'm not in the wrong here, I guess.

    I also am not yet 100% sure that this is the guy I wanna get therapy with for good, for a couple of reasons but the biggest one being "I just don't feel like we click", and I think I also wanted some reassurance that it's ok if I decide to go to someone else, shop around and whatever? I have the tendency to think that any decision except "stick with the therapist you currently have" is just me trying to justify my avoidance... but that thinking is also how I got myself stuck with a manipulative bitch of a therapist for almost a year, and I specifically told myself I'd do better about that this time.
     
    • Witnessed x 1
  11. Secret Squirrel

    Secret Squirrel certainly something

    I am glad to hear you were able to do that!

    Shifting gears a little: It is not a sign of weakness/unhealthyness/whatever to want something different than what the therapist suggests. You're the one who knows best about this. Also, "once a week" would be a lot for me, so even if it somehow were true that more meetings = more betterer (which it isnt), you'd still be doing a lot by comparison?

    And yeah, shopping around is GOOD. Avoidance here would be like, avoiding therapy at all, I think? Shopping around would be proactive.
     
    • Agree x 3
    • Useful x 1
  12. plant guardian

    plant guardian Local Sword Gremlin

    You should shop around because it is much harder to do good work with a therapist you aren't completely comfortable with. Plus if you say that 1 time a week is healthiest for you, that carries more weight than a dude who you have talked to for maybe four hours? You have dealt with your shit for waaaaaaaay longer than he has and you know you need a significant amount of time to process therapy.
     
    • Agree x 2
    • Like x 1
  13. wixbloom

    wixbloom artcute

    Yeah, I think I'm gonna call the referral office centre thingy on monday and ask them to refer me to somebody else because I definitely should be comfortable and it's just not quite happening
     
    • Agree x 2
  14. The Frood Abides

    The Frood Abides Doesn't Know Where His Rug Is

    If after a few sessions you're still uncomfortable with this guy, I agree, find someone else. If I didn't have insurance I'd've spent hundreds of dollars on a literally useless Lacanian dipshit this spring. Like talking to a brick wall. Never again.
     
    • Witnessed x 1
  15. wixbloom

    wixbloom artcute

    Been 4 so far, I was gonna give it 6 before making a choice but this might've pushed things a bit.
     
    • Witnessed x 1
  16. Beldaran

    Beldaran 70% abuse and 30% ramen

    I think that being in therapy with someone who makes you feel comfortable having the "meta" conversations of therapy is super important, and this guy doesn't seem to do that for you.

    Everyone has a pattern; for me, when I feel like things are going really well in therapy is when I up my number of appointments. I'd never ever have two, or God forbid, three a week with a new person. What on earth would I talk about? I don't feel comfortable enough to even think of things to talk about in the beginning, we'd just be staring at each other like "yep."

    It seems like your pattern involves a lot of down time to process the therapy experience outside the office. That's a totally legit need and your therapist needs to know and respect how intense each session is for you. Part of that is having the meta conversations, but another part is the therapist making you feel comfortable with your needs! My therapists have always been super explicit about my therapy schedule being my choice and never pressuring me into things. Even if he was nice about it, he was pressuring you to conform to his ideal of health, and that's not going to make most people feel safe.

    Also like, you have school and work and??? Three times a week with your processing needs is a HUGE time commitment. That's simply not accessible.
     
    • Like x 1
  17. wixbloom

    wixbloom artcute

    Yeah, also a thing that I touched upon is that I have actual medical trauma and a medical phobia, and so seeing a therapist regularly can very easily correlate in my mind to "guess who's stuck in a goddamn hospital for 6 years again", and I don't really think he got that. He felt a bit dismissive of that correlation, whereas another therapist at the gender clinic (who was the one who really encouraged me to have therapy again) validated that this was a valid concern for me and that any therapist should keep it in mind, instead of going "those are very different things" like this one did.
     
    • Witnessed x 3
  18. Beldaran

    Beldaran 70% abuse and 30% ramen

    I'm scared of doctors in a kind of debilitating manner so I get you there. It's something they need to take seriously and not dismiss.
     
    • Like x 1
    • Witnessed x 1
  19. wixbloom

    wixbloom artcute

    Update: got a referral to a new therapist. Have an appointment tomorrow with the guy I mentioned here, in which I'm going to pay what I owe him and tell him that I decided to shop around a bit, because man, fuck it. As always I tend to overthink all my decisions, so my brain keeps going "am I just doing that because I'm scared to commit and deep down sabotaging my own therapy", which, nope, fuck that one. It's very important for my mental weelbeing that I do this, even if it ultimately doesn't pay off, if only to show myself that it can be done and doesn't lead to catastrophic results and isn't the end of the world.

    Also, I asked for a female therapist because as it turns out talking about sexual assault experiences with a guy felt INCREDIBLY awkward. My irrational fear of the day is that she'll misgender me, and, welp, if that happens it'll be time to demand another professional a-fucking gain because, as I'm going to say for the third time in this 2-paragraph post, fuck it.

    In conclusion:


    (the song says "fuck it" over and over again in portuguese)
     
    Last edited: Aug 8, 2017
    • Like x 3
    • Agree x 1
  20. wixbloom

    wixbloom artcute

    (psssst I say "ah fuck it" a lot but I'm still an anxious nerd, plz validate me)
     
    • Witnessed x 2
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