Before going forward I'm going to forward people that this post about medical stuff, specifically gynecological problems, so if that's going to squick or trigger you then this is not the thread for you. Okay, so I'm freaking out right now and I'm not sure of how I can deal with the problem. Years ago I was diagnosed with HPV, which doesn't do anything except when it DOES do something like cause cervical cancer. After that initial diagnosis it basically went away. I went for check ups every 6 months for years, and then one year the doctor said I could start doing yearly because nothing had shown up for so long. I never really went to the same doctor more than once or twice because I moved around a lot, but I tried to be responsible about this. I don't want to die of cancer. After they switched to normal once a year check ups I was glad. Then about three years ago I went for a check up and the doctor was... kind of really mean? She made me feel really bad about myself, my weight and things. I'm also a childhood sexual abuse survivor so going to that specific type of doctor is extra crappy, and having self image anxiety put on top of survivor anxiety just made everything harder. I'm great at thinking of how I'll deal with doctors but when I actually get in the exam room with them all of that kind of flys out of my head. So I've been avoiding going back for a long time... and I know that's super dangerous! It's also something that just slips my mind, since it's supposed to be a one a year thing. But as of last night I'm bleeding weirdly when it's not supposed to be my period, and when I look at the list of non-symptoms for cervical cancer it's like "Oh NO" because they're all really vague but WHAT IF, you know? Add to that the fact that I don't have insurance anymore and I feel totally completely fucked. I missed the chance for Obamacare open enrollment, and when I tried to apply they couldn't verify my identity so I know that's going to be a whole huge process and I don't want to die of cancer in the meantime! Plus, there's the fact that this could be nothing. There might be literally nothing wrong with me, or something completely different. I just don't know. So now I'm freaked out and crying all over my keyboard because I really really don't want to go to the doctor and have them make me feel like crap about my weight situation again. I don't have insurance or a job (I'm job hunting and hoping to get insurance that way) so it's going to cost all the money, and I'm just deeply uncomfortable with the whole thing. All of the things. I guess I know the answer is going to be "See a doctor! ASAP!" but I feel so upset right now. I don't know.