I am not ready to adult

Discussion in 'Brainbent' started by Juniperrome, Jan 12, 2017.

  1. Juniperrome

    Juniperrome I Have A Hammer

    New therapist, same old problems
    Going back to this thread to document what I talked about and emotions.
    -I started crying immediately. My trend of not being able to talk about my mental state without crying continues.
    -Everyone my age is doing better than me. They have jobs and internships and goals and seem to know what they want in life
    -I feel like my roommates are judging me for not doing anything this summer because they're working and I spend all day in bed or at my parents' house
    -Even when I try to do things like get a job I mess it up and then quit and don't follow through
    -I've had a lot of pressure on me because I was a "gifted" kid and people like teachers and parents and random people who hear what I'm studying are like "you're going to do such great things in the future, you have so much potential!"
    -Black and white thinking: either I'm the best ever and have no struggles or I'm a total failure, if I'm scared or have trouble with something then the accomplishment doesn't count
    -I want to talk about my problems with some body but I also don't want them to judge me about whether I'm actually trying at all/trying hard enough. I want Lindsey to be my friend but she's actually my coach and I'm worried I'll get too personal or something. Brain says: I'll annoy her or sound whiny and she'll think I'm pathetic
    -I probably will bring up my eating troubles next time. Idk what Temariel can do about them but... probably should talk about it
    -my ability to perform tasks of everyday life varies widely and inconsistently. Sometimes I can cook and do laundry and go to the store and sometimes opening a can of soup and putting it in the microwave is too hard.
    -it feels like I dont have anything to do and I'm super bored. I planned to help around the house but the tasks require input or assistance from my parents that they just don't do. Like clearing out the garage or scanning photos or emptying the spare bedroom. I don't know where the photos are or how they want them organized. I don't know what in the garage is trash and what needs to stay (all of it and nothing, respectively, imo)
    -Everything I can think of to do is work. I can't think of fun things... like cosplay making would be fun but I'm too nervous that I'm going to waste materials and make a crappy costume. Same with drawing or painting, I'm sure it'll suck.
    -I'm feeling guilty for spending too much money this summer when my only income is from my scholarship... but... see above issues re:job
    -retail therapy isn't actual therapy but everything costs money :/
     
    • Witnessed x 1
  2. Juniperrome

    Juniperrome I Have A Hammer

    Useful things from this week's session to remember:
    Goal: accept positive, negative, and neutral traits I have without judging

    "Should" is paralyzing and makes disappointment inevitable
    Think "I should do x, if I don't I'm a failure/stupid/etc" -> don't do x -> feel bad, don't do anything
    ->do x ->haha you've hidden your failure once again, now you have to do another awful thing and keep risking being found out
    Think "I want y, so I'm going to do x/I want to do x" -> don't do x -> thats ok, maybe next time
    ->do x -> hooray I did the thing, goal Obtained, now what thing do I want to do
    Need to reprogram thoughts to follow path 2 vs automatically diverted to path 1

    -at some point I completely internalized the message that I am bad/a failure/fundamentally and intrinsically inadequate/ not good enough
    -I don't know when or where
    -I don't have much factual evidence to support this supposition (it's not based on what I have or haven't done) but it's a core belief and warps my thoughts to conform to itself
    -I do badly->harsh self judgement->validates negative self image
    -I do well->harsh self judgement-> this doesn't count because I'm terrible, also it's a fluke and you're misleading people by not letting them know how awful you are, next time you'll slip

    -having processes constantly running in the background of my mental computing space telling me I'm not good enough and judging me and worrying what other people will think of me or whether I'm good enough for somebody else takes up a massive amount of emotional energy and produces no positive outcomes. I'm more stressed and worried about messing up, I can't bounce back from mistakes because I'm always berating myself.
    -Maybe at some point this was a functional coping mechanism because the pain of rejection and being judged inadequate was so bad and unbearable that it's better to be constantly on watch and pounce on any potential mistakes before everyone realizes I'm bad
    -but probably not and it has outlived any usefulness it once had. It doesn't reliably protect me from criticism and it is in and of itself just as if not more harmful than outside judgement

    -I feel like it's not fair that I don't always have to work as hard or put in as much effort as another student but I do just as well or better
    -I feel like the things I try harder on and study a lot and put effort into don't do as well as the things I bullshit at the last minute
    -possibly this is a side effect of having too much practice obfuscating and making up bullshit and not enough practice being vulnerable enough to genuinely try
    - if I put minimal effort into an assignment and do poorly its fine, it's not like I care, I didn't put any of myself into it. As opposed to trying hard and failing anyway because my best effort was insufficient (painful)
    -possibly the things I don't do as well on are just harder and above my current skill level, while the things I don't work as hard on and still do well are just easier or in areas that my brain is naturally inclined towards
    -most likely some combination of these things are true

    -ask "so what?" when worried about what people will think. It literally doesn't matter like 80% of the time at least

    Homework: notice and write down instances of judgement, be mindful of negative self talk (bring unconscious/background noise into focus to observe it)
     
    • Witnessed x 1
  3. Juniperrome

    Juniperrome I Have A Hammer

    I'm so pissed right now! My roommate is being awful about the cat. She's a cat, she got some fleas, I'm WORKING ON IT. I've bought three separate products to try and get rid of them and she's bugging me to buy more without even waiting to see if they work. And every word that comes out of her stupid mouth is judging me for letting this happen or not working hard enough and I hate her!! She's the one who said our other roommate was talking behind my back about wanting to get rid of my cat, but who even knows if that's true. And if it is why the fuck are you talking to me about it. She can bring it up if she has the guts or she can suffer in fucking silence!
    I hate them both! And I'm stuck with them for another year. I want to curl up and die and never talk to them again.
    K was all about buying cat toys and shit when we moved in and A was going to break apartment rules to bring in another cat and then suddenly they're both against me. A has never had a pet in her life of course she abandons the idea when she learns they're actual living beings that can have health problems! Like fine! I guess I'll just throw her away like a defective toy because she's inconvenient now!! I hate them I hate them I hate them
     
  4. Juniperrome

    Juniperrome I Have A Hammer

    Damn it!
    Fuck fuck fuck I swear to shit autocorrect I will never mean duck in that context
    Yeah just fucking throw me in the fucking deep end why don't you!!!! Liar! There is literally nothing more uncomfortable than being OBVIOUSLY in the wrong place. Like Jesus fucking Christ I was dying. I think I might have spontaneously combusted out of sheer mortification. "Yes I am obviously not your target audience, but my friend was supposed to be here and he's not?!?" Like I don't randomly intrude on ongoing and organized tutoring sessions for shits and giggles my dude. My pal. What the fuck.
    The way he said it it should have been like some kind of event for ppl to practice speaking outside of the context of classes, not literally tutoring for classes.
    Oh, now you tell me you're there!!!!
    You son of a bitch! Ok obviously unexpected social pressure put me in a very bad mood.
    Coupled with a headache and a low blood sugar episode. My afternoon has not been very good.
    Fuuuuuuuck :(
     
  5. Juniperrome

    Juniperrome I Have A Hammer

    Feelings:
    Nausea from multiple sources:
    Motion sickness, bus noises, eating food, rage, social anxiety
    Tooth grinding fury
    Regret
    A headache

    Things I felt this afternoon prior to CATASTROPHE that were possibly because of hypoglycemia and/or sensory overload:
    The sound of classmates talking made me sick and angry for no reason. I wanted to bury my face in my hood and put in headphones and be somewhere quiet
    Overwhelming feeling of dread and "I want to die" intrusive thoughts while walking to get food
    Shaky, tunnel vision, head swimming
    Feeling like I'm about to cry
    Chest pain
    Brain fog and sudden irritability

    Ate some food, decided to try to go to meet friend because otherwise I could have gone straight home and the whole trip would have been for nothing. Should not have done that. Left very quickly after realizing the situation was not as I had been told.

    Plan: get home without puking or crying
    Take panic meds
    Drink some water
    Sleep or just lay quietly in the dark
     
    • Witnessed x 1
  6. Juniperrome

    Juniperrome I Have A Hammer

    What I want to do: sleep and skip class and not do anything that requires thinking
    I’m so bloody tired and my head hurts and I just feel bad physically and mentally
    But it’s midterms and I have three exams coming up and a project that I have no idea what I’m doing on but it’s already overdue and I would prefer to just drop it but I need it for honors credit and I would just have to get another one next semester and also I would feel like a quitter and a failure.
    I want to drop all my responsibilities and turn into a potato. I want to not feel so stressed out. I want to be able to get all my work done perfectly and on time without feeling any strain or having to actually exert myself. Logically that’s not possible. It’s more like I wish I could ignore all the bad feelings and put them in a box and set it aside. That’s what people are always telling me to do. Push through it. Just buckle down and do it, it doesn’t matter if you don’t want to.
    But I can’t. I can’t ignore how absolutely shitty I feel right now.
    It’s stupid to wish I was more sick than I really am but I hate feeling like it’s not “bad enough” to justify taking a break. I want the situation to be black and white. I’m utterly and undeniably sick and therefore don’t need to do anything or I’m completely well and feel 100% great and can do everything at my best quality work without feeling any stress or negative things. But it’s not. I feel pretty fucking shitty and I should give myself breaks and rest and self care but I still need to show up and do some things the best that I can (which is not the best in the class or the best I could ever do). 50% effort is ok. There are options beyond 0% and 100%.
    I am going to compromise and take a nap and then still go to class this afternoon.
    Maybe I’ll watch one video for class tomorrow and just start on the research project so I can ask for help without letting on that I’ve done nothing. Just show up.
     
    • Witnessed x 1
  7. Juniperrome

    Juniperrome I Have A Hammer

    Fucking hell my brain is garbage.
    Like, I had a meeting with my research professor to talk about what I’m going to do for the rest of the semester. Because it’s past midterms and I’ve done one crappy program and read one paper. And overall I suck. I’m just the worst student. I’m super passive and not that smart anyway. Like, he keeps saying how he wants me to get a sense of accomplishment from this course and it’s more of a learning experience than anything and we can go at my own pace but every single time he says anything I get more and more convinced he hates me and wishes he never agreed to let me do this course.
    Like, I performed in such a way that it’s obvious that I’m not taking this seriously and I’m ignoring it in favor of my other classes. I want to be involved and ask insightful questions and be proactive in researching more but in the moment I can’t think of anything to say so I just nod while he explains things. It’s shit. But he hasn’t expressed any frustration about my bullshit. He hasn’t even pointed out that I took a whole fucking month to implement one program. So it feels like he’s ignoring all my faults and not mentioning them at all even though we both know how awful I am, it’s a giant neon sign flashing between us, and he’s getting more and more upset with me but he’s going to pretend everything is fine and internally he’s like “what is this stupid child even doing here, why are they bothering me when they’re obviously not going to try at all”
    I’m going to treat this like a reframing exercise. I can’t read minds. I don’t know for sure what he is thinking. I know that I haven’t done a very good job by my own standards. I know that his words and actions are not indicating that there is a problem. It’s possible and more likely that this project is a low priority to him and it doesn’t really matter whether I do nothing for the first 2 months, it’s not that big a deal. I can do better for the second half so I won’t feel like I failed by my own standards regardless of how he feels. His perception of my performance doesn’t need to affect me at all. How I perform on one project doesn’t determine my worth as a person. Even if we both think I suck, I can move forward. He probably doesn’t think I suck.
     
    • Witnessed x 1
  8. Juniperrome

    Juniperrome I Have A Hammer

    fuuuuuuuuuck I want to die and it’s over something completely stupid!!! Fuck everything! Just fuck it! I don’t care! There’s too much and I can’t do anything right anyway so why even fucking bother!!
     
    • Witnessed x 1
  9. Juniperrome

    Juniperrome I Have A Hammer

    I don’t know what’s wrong with me but time off always makes my brain problems and my stress levels skyrocket. Like, everyone else has a five day break for thanksgiving and comes back feeling good and ok to finish the semester and I come back feeling like a corpse.
    I don’t understand and I don’t like it. When I’m on a normal schedule of classes and shit I’m all stressed out and I say shit like ‘I can’t wait for the weekend/the holidays’ or whatever but after the first day or so of a break I literally always feel like crap and when I get back I feel worse than when I left.
    Brain! You jackass! This is the opposite of what is supposed to happen!
    I guess the answer is... to never take more than 2 days off? But I don’t decide that, the school decides that. And I can’t work on a day that’s designated a day off. I just...can’t. I only function on the knife’s edge of deadlines and if it’s at all possible to put something off for later I will whether I want to or not. Because my brain is garbage.

    Anyway I’m in a ton of pain and I can’t ask anybody for help because it is almost entirely self inflicted and the only thing that would fix it is actually doing some goddamn work and we all know that’s never going to happen
     
    • Witnessed x 1
  10. Juniperrome

    Juniperrome I Have A Hammer

    I’m just so fucking tired of being sick and I want it to stop. I hurt so much and I can’t breathe. My throat hurts so badly and I’m starving but swallowing hurts too much
     
    • Witnessed x 1
  11. Juniperrome

    Juniperrome I Have A Hammer

    Didn’t take meds over weekend. Problem.
    Need to do laundry and clean out fridge. Smelly.
    Just gotta keep moving forward. The only way out is through.
    Dreading senior design cause I’m faking knowing what’s going on more than I actually do and my stupid groupmate hates me and thinks I’m stupid and lazy.
    I can deal with “this person tries but is fundamentally stupid and flawed and I need to pick up the slack and do the heavy lifting planning and thinking-wise” but “this person doesn’t care and isn’t trying at all” makes me see fucking red. Hello, rejection sensitive dysphoria.
    Fuck, childhood triggers out the ass lately. Fucking ADHD.
    I gotta stop thinking of life and reasons to live in terms of productivity and worth because it fucks me up.
    It’s enough just to keep going. It’s enough to just want to see what happens next. Being kind is enough reason to live. Puppies and babies and friends and love are enough. I don’t have to be rich or smart or successful. Content is enough.
     
    • Witnessed x 1
  12. Juniperrome

    Juniperrome I Have A Hammer

    Aaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuggghhhhhhh
    I don’t understand.
    This should be my thing. This should be at least tolerable. What was the past four years even for if the supposed culmination of the program, the capstone fucking project, is so fucking torturous. Excruciating. I hate it so much.
    This is stupid, even if it’s not my specialty I should be good at this because it’s an Engineering Thing. But I actually hate all of it. I hate my group mates, I hate trying to kludge together an electrical system when I’m not a fucking electrical engineer and no one is helping and I don’t know what I’m doing and apparently that’s just ... ok?!? Fine?!? I guess we’ll just set some shit on fire and get a grade for it?!?
    And they act like I should know what’s going on with designing the other parts but I don’t????? Because they never fucking tell me anything?????? And if I don’t understand what’s going on they just brush me off?!?
    I hate every single thing about this fucking project and I wish I didn’t need it to graduate.
    Fuck it! I just need to get out of here and away from this shitty project and unclear expectations and shitty group members
    Except! The whole fucking world is like that apparently! Or at least that’s what they keep saying, it’s supposed to be a real world experience.
    My life is going to suck forever and I’m going to feel helpless and angry and frustrated for the rest of my life.
     
    • Witnessed x 1
  13. Juniperrome

    Juniperrome I Have A Hammer

    And another thing!!!!!
    This fucking dude. This fucking high and mighty, already has a manufacturing job, does this all the fucking time asshole has complained to the professor TWICE that I’m not “engaged enough” or whatever the fuck and each time she’s like yeah, I know that’s bullshit, just go talk to him, but I can’t! I just can’t! Talk! About! Anything! I want to set him on fire!!!!!!!! And he’s never said a single word to my fucking face about it. Just going on like everything is fine and then complains behind my back!
    Like, if there’s something I’m not doing that you want me to do, tell me that! Specifically! Because I’m doing my best and I barely know what the fuck is going on and I’m just a ball of hate and despair and frustration!
    Fuck this!!!!! Who does he think he is!!?!??
     
    • Witnessed x 1
  14. Juniperrome

    Juniperrome I Have A Hammer

    I’m crying, little annoyances are always a thousand times worse when it’s the middle of the night and I can’t sleep.
    Fuck I hurt so bad. My throat hurts like hell and my mouth is incredibly dry and my nose is still all stopped up so the decongestants did Nothing but make some shaky and I scratched my foot again and I stubbed my toe on Thursday and it’s still all dark and bruised and I can just now walk on it without wanting to scream, but it still hurts quite a lot and I just want to trade this stupid body in and get a fresh one.
    I could deal with any one of those things but the combination of all of them plus the fact that there’s a whole week of school shit ahead and no one cares if I feel bad I still have to get shit done....
     
    • Witnessed x 1
  15. Juniperrome

    Juniperrome I Have A Hammer

    Ugh am I thinking about breaking up because depression or do I actually want to break up?
    A couple months ago I started a queerplatonic bdsm relationship with a close friend that I’ve known for a long time on a whim in the middle of an emotionally charged night. She lives across the country from me and we started the relationship during a three day long visit. We’ve been chatting and videoing and doing the long distance thing since, but she’s planning to come visit for two months this summer.
    Anyway, I value our friendship very much, and my friendship with her other partner (they’re poly, we’ve all talked) and she does make me happy most of the time.
    It’s just that when I’m not under the effects of my adhd meds (low dose extended release adderall) in the evening (and in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep) I have a crash in relationship feelings as well as energy. Like, all of a sudden it feels like a huge troublesome burden and I want to stop.
    Things that my brain picks up on as reasons the relationship isn’t working:
    She’s kinkier than me and wants to explore things together that I’m pretty meh about. She always takes no for an answer and respects my boundaries but saying no so often feels like a bummer
    She’s clingy and wants constant contact and I feel suffocated (I like talking to her when I have energy, but when I don’t it’s torture) and like... we’ve talked about how I’m introverted and need space but even her threshold of “low key hands off” is a couple texts a day and talking on the phone and video chatting multiple times a week and for me that’s the super high end of the amount of social interaction I can do. I’m worried she’ll be disappointed that I can’t do more, and honestly I think I want to do less (but I’m in low crash mood right now, so I might feel otherwise later)
    She’s more invested than I am and has really strong intense feelings (shouldn’t I like being told she wants to be with me again so much? I feel like a buzzkill)
    Plus I feel terrible for even thinking about breaking up because she has trauma about rejection and lots of self-loathing issues that I know would take those facts as reasons that she’s bad and broken and not worthy of love
     
  16. warehawker

    warehawker Raptor King Of Kiss My Ass

    It sounds like you're incompatible.
     
  17. Juniperrome

    Juniperrome I Have A Hammer

    Aaaaaaaaaagggggggghhhhhhhh I’ve fucked everything up it’s all terrible and I want to die.
    I’m too stupid to function in any kind of adult society and I should never have tried to get a job or act like I had any idea what the fuck was happening because I inevitably fuck it all uppppp
     
    • Witnessed x 2
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