i done fucked up (suicide tw)

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by sicklyprince, Oct 13, 2015.

  1. sicklyprince

    sicklyprince giant androgynous glam monster

    so once upon a time i had this tumblr friend. we talked a lot, as in, multiple times a day every single day. then, because i'm a terrible fucking person i just. stopped talking to them. for two months. with no explanation or warning or anything, even though i knew they weren't in a good place mentally.

    i reconnected with them about a month ago and apologized, tried to take responsibility, and made it clear they could keep talking to me if they wanted to or cut me off because that really was inexcusable. we talked every once in awhile after that and it was always really awkward and forced.

    this morning they posted on tumblr that their account was going inactive. shortly afterwards they wrote a post about 'a friend' who abandoned them without warning or excuse and left them all alone and now because of that they don't want to live any more, but they deleted it a few minutes later. i sent them an ask and they replied 'i won't be around anymore, sorry'. that was several hours ago and i haven't been able to get ahold of them since.

    i've sent asks to a few people they know irl saying i'm worried and asking if there's any way they can make sure they're ok. no response yet. i'm hoping someone intervened already and they're safe but i'm not sure what else i can do besides check up on skype every so often.

    i don't even feel like a person right now. i'm not feeling any emotional response to this, just the knowledge that it's bad and that i shouldn't have abandoned them. this is all my fault and still i'm not even sure if i feel genuine concern or just 'what if they die and i feel guilty, me me me everything is about me.'
     
  2. Lissiel

    Lissiel Dreaming dead

    Wow that is really super not ok. Look, it doesnt matter what your relationship or reasoning was, you always have the right to choose how much space in your life another person gets. And EVEN IF THEY DECIDE TO KILL THEMSELVES, their reaction to that choice is not on you. And like...this wasnt your kid or your spouse or your parent. This is just someone online you talked to a lot. And they want to make you solely responsible for their whole mental health and continued existence? What the actual fuck?
     
    • Like x 2
  3. sicklyprince

    sicklyprince giant androgynous glam monster

    i'm not about to get mad at them when i have no idea if they're alive. i could have just told them 'hey i'm feeling stretched a little thin with constant interaction can we take it back a notch maybe' instead of vanishing with zero explanation and leaving them to think they did something wrong. i don't think they could make me solely responsible because i know they have a lot of other stuff going on but i know i did a thing that hurt them at a really inopportune time and here i sit right now worrying about my feelings instead of whether they're alive. i think i NEED to take some responsibility here.
     
  4. sicklyprince

    sicklyprince giant androgynous glam monster

    friend just messaged me to say they're alive. i'm trying to get them to go to the ER.
     
  5. seebs

    seebs Benevolent Dictator

    I don't think there's necessarily a lot of responsibility to take, because for one thing, I don't think a thing you did two months ago is the cause of the drama right now.

    That said, I absolutely agree that they should go to the ER.

    And you know, if you haven't already, telling them you're sorry about just disappearing on them like that might be really helpful, because it'd be a reminder to them that you do care about them.
     
    • Like x 1
  6. Lissiel

    Lissiel Dreaming dead

    Probably you could have been kinder. And im glad you're helping your friend now get the treatment they need. I just am really super duper uncomfortable with the whole "i hurt her (by having boundaries) and so she killed herself and this makes me Responsible and A Terrible Person." Like. That is super unhealthy for everyone involved.

    Edit: and i am super glad they're alive. I hope things get better for them.
     
  7. sicklyprince

    sicklyprince giant androgynous glam monster

    them posting about it right next to saying they wouldn't be here any more is what made me assume it's at least a big part of the drama (and they post about it constantly anyways.) i apologized already but they won't accept my apology, not in a 'no you hurt me and i do not want to talk to you any more' kind of way, which i'd honestly be more ok with than 'no i will not hold you responsible for this shitty thing you did, i will tell you its ok even though obviously it is not'.

    i'm really pushing them to go to the ER, even more so because apparently some kind of overdose was involved and they're not sure everything's out of their system.

    (also i feel like a shitty shitty person for even doubting them but part of me is wondering now if this was real or not because it wouldn't be the first time they've faked internet suicide to make someone feel bad for hurting them. but i don't want to assume that's the case. eeuugghhh.)
     
  8. Lissiel

    Lissiel Dreaming dead

    That is just. Manipulative on so many levels. Like. This person needs serious help/intervention that is well fucking above your pay grade. Do you know where they live? Could you call a wellness check on them? If you cant now i would try my damnedest to try to get it for the next time they pull this crap. Because there will be a next time as long as it keeps working.

    Also? For the record, i dont blme you for doing a fade, they sound like an exhausting person to have to deal with.
     
    Last edited: Oct 13, 2015
  9. sicklyprince

    sicklyprince giant androgynous glam monster

    they live in australia and i don't have their info. i tried to get in touch with a few people they interact with that i think might know them irl, but i haven't heard back from any of them yet. i tried to find their old fb that they showed me once, bc that was connected to their mom and i might have been able to get in touch with her, but i couldn't find it.
     
    • Like x 1
  10. sicklyprince

    sicklyprince giant androgynous glam monster

    aaaaaand after the last message really, really insisting they go to the ER i'm not hearing back. i'm hoping that means they're talking to their mom and going to the hospital but i sort of doubt it.

    they can be exhausting. in fairness, so can i. i still wish i'd handled things better because reasons and guilt.
     
    • Like x 1
  11. Lissiel

    Lissiel Dreaming dead

    At a certain point you kind of have to let people make their own decisions. Like, ok bro. Im not going to be hostage to your bullshit threats here. If youre going to kill yourself because an i ternet person isnt giving you the level of fuckin narcissist chow you require then gg. Like, encourage them not to, insist they go to the er--you can even make it conditional on future friendship if you like--but at the end of the day thats their decision to make. "If you dont keep talking to me as much and as regularly as id like or else ill kill myself and blame you for my decision" is just. Super not ok.
     
  12. sicklyprince

    sicklyprince giant androgynous glam monster

    i got them to promise they would either 1) talk to their mom and get a doctor appt, look into meds, recommendation for a new therapist n such or 2) find their old therapist since they really liked her apparently and see if she'd let them pay on a sliding scale, if they can't get their mom involved, since their mom isn't the best at handling this stuff apparently. i'm going to keep checking to see if they follow through. also asked if they would consider giving someone with access to their tumblr their phone number or address or something along those lines in case of another emergency, since it's scary to not be able to do anything, and they said they'd think about it. i'm going to try to be as insistent about something changing as i can, since there's a bit of a history of them saying 'yeah sure' to shut me up and then nothing changing. but something needs to change here, because it's not working for them as-is.

    ....i think i might have kind of a problem with trying to make myself Too Responsible for my friends. i don't want that to sound really arrogant and fake-saintly like 'oh, woe is me, i care about people TOO MUCH.' more like if i can keep a very unstable person stable, then i am worth something. if i don't have anyone i can fix and take care of i don't know what my purpose is. my motives are decidedly selfish.
     
    • Like x 1
  13. EulersBidentity

    EulersBidentity e^i*[bi] + 1

    All motives are selfish after a point, that's kind of how humans work. Wanting to fix people is a really common thing. And I think it shows your compassion toward your friend.

    On the other hand, at some point you've got to realise that you can't take responsibility for other people's actions. And...well, I really hope your friend is okay. But I think the way they've treated you is cruel, and to me, their promises sound empty.

    Have you seen that you're still hostage?
     
    Last edited: Oct 14, 2015
    • Like x 1
  14. Lissiel

    Lissiel Dreaming dead

    Gonna be honest here friend. I think you're hitching your self-worth to a user. They're gonna keep manipulating and deliberately hurtinng you, they're not approaching this friendship in any kind of good faith, and its not going to wnd or get better because you constantly checking in on them and walking on eggshells around their fucking tantrums is what they want out of these interactions. They have no respect for you and dont want to get better or be stable.

    Pour some of that energy into working on your own self-worth instead of pissing it all away into a black hole. Volunteer somewhere. Online crisislines if you need high drama and dont want to get off your computer but like. Spca always needs someone to pet the kittens. Soup kitchens let you cook. Help someone who wants helping instead of one who wants an emotional punchingbag. Maybe do some therapy. Just. This is going to end so poorly for you.
     
    • Like x 1
  15. sicklyprince

    sicklyprince giant androgynous glam monster

    ok, so. followup to this sorta, because most of this is probably going to end up being about another friend, but to overall subject of this thread seems relevant enough to just keep it here.

    friend who is the topic of this thread has reconnected with their old therapist and they're working out a system so they can afford to see therapist on a regular basis. i think i miscommunicated when i said 'checking to see if they follow through' a little; i didn't mean checking back constantly to make sure they're still going, etc etc, i meant asking once to see if they did the thing, they said yes, i said good! that's awesome! and that was it. i was pretty ok with that interaction.

    now i have another friend who really, really needs therapy but either can't or won't access it (like, i can't tell to what degree it's 'yes this is a legit barrier in the way' because there's definitely some of that, but part of it is also kind of. personal hesitation and 'i do not want to do the thing even though it might help.' also, yes, this is the same friend i have another thread about where i was asking about how online therapy works.)

    i'm exhausted. i have to talk to her every morning when i wake up, every evening/night, and basically. whenever i'm online any days she's not at school or something. and every single day for about the past week and a half i've had to talk her out of killing herself, sometimes more than once a day. i want to be there for my friends, i do, but i don't know how to deal with this kind of constant, extended, and really emotionally intense interaction. i don't really think it can be healthy or sustainable, but i don't know how to get out of it.

    how does one set boundaries?? i don't want to tell her that she can't talk to me at all, and i don't want to just go 'lol bye' when intense moments are happening, but i'm not sure of how to say that i can't deal with this and i can't help her long-term especially when my own mental health is total shit. so far the closest i've gotten to boundaries is when she told me she can only talk to me about things because i'm the only person she's comfortable with, and i told her 'that's going to end badly because at some point in time i will not be there when you need me. i realize opening up to people is tough but you've gotta try because this is gonna suck otherwise.' she said she'd try and i believe she has been working on opening up to a few more people, but i'm still the person who ends up being there round the clock whenever she needs me, and for the most intense stuff.

    i feel kind of shitty, because so many of my friendships seem to take this path. and i'm not sure how that ends up happening. i'm not deliberately seeking out people who have no friends and then befriending them so they'll only want to talk to me. none of these people give off an initial vibe of "i'm dysfuctional and want my friend to be able to fix me", or seemed like they weren't trying to get better. and i like talking to people about serious stuff, i'm totally fine with being there to support someone through a rough patch or a crisis moment, but this is taking a huge toll on me...or, actually, i'm not even sure. i know it's taking a toll on me physically, because i've been losing a ton of sleep and time to do things like exercise and eat. but emotionally i actually feel a little better than i have, because i'm worth something if i can help people. but i think that got dealt with above already, and it's established that being 24/7 support for people who need way more help than i can provide is a no-win situation for all involved.

    basically how do boundaries happen without me being a total asshole, is the question.
     
    • Like x 1
  16. sicklyprince

    sicklyprince giant androgynous glam monster

    quietly groans

    i am in a conversation and i can feel the manipulation, i know i'm being manipulated and guilted and i'm too exhausted to deal with this right now but i don't know how to not. why didn't i ever learn boundaries and how to say no to someone without being a terrible person. fuck this. fuuuuuuck this.
     
  17. Lissiel

    Lissiel Dreaming dead

    Have you tried just not logging on? Its not great boundary setting and enforcing, but you can tell her your internet has been spotty and then just...not be available to talk to.
     
  18. sicklyprince

    sicklyprince giant androgynous glam monster

    possibly? that's sorta got upsides and downsides. i have other friends i want to talk to, and she follows me on tumblr so if i'm gonna act like i'm not online i couldn't post there/interact with any of my friends there.

    last night i just got so frustrated i had to log out, because the conversation was making me pretty uncomfortable and i knew if i kept responding i was just going flat-out yell at her, and that accomplishes nothing. i still kind of want to yell, and i still don't really want to talk to her because i'm tired and i feel helpless and i can't buoy her up on my own any more.

    question, though: i know her girlfriend's tumblr and i messaged her once before in a crisis, asking if she could check on her. when stuff happened yesterday (i was offline pretty much all day and then logged back on to find a suicide note in skype convo. she was still there, didn't do it, but informed me she's sleeping with a bunch of meds under her pillow 'just in case'. the whole thing was really 'yeah i almost killed myself no big deal, i'm gonna just hold onto the meds, all you need to do is talk to me'.) but the whole time she kept saying not to message her gf about any of this. i said i wouldn't, but now i'm not sure. her girlfriend isn't thr most understanding about brain stuff but she's trying, and since she lives near her she has more power to intervene than i do. i'm unsure if maybe messaging her gf and saying 'hello this person is very actively suicidal can you tell an adult who can intervene or something' is the right thing to do or not.
     
    • Like x 1
  19. Lissiel

    Lissiel Dreaming dead

    That is unambiguously the right thing to do. If she is planning specific things and has access to means she should be on suicide watch, probably in a hospital but certainly under adult care. I would *strongly* recommend the gf either a) tell her parents or b) call the cops depending.
     
    • Like x 2
  20. sicklyprince

    sicklyprince giant androgynous glam monster

    welp. she is very, very likely going to be very pissed at me, but that's the risk i take, i guess. i'm gonna go do the thing even though my anxiety about this is ridiculously high.
     
    • Like x 3
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