I will continue to scream at my own head and demand that it leave because it isn't really me. I will continue to be stubborn and I won't be a coward. Never, ever a coward. I'll be skillful and filled with crógacht.
I keep lashing out at my girlfriend unfairly because I'm always fucking terrified. Then I can't even talk about it because I just fall into a guilt spiral or lash out even more at her because I'm terrified that she'll leave me. And she's told me she might if I can't fix it. I might lose her because I'm fucking awful.
It happens with my moirail a lot too. Because for whatever reason the more I trust you and like you the less I trust you and assume you're trying to hurt me.
i wish i had someone to talk to like over the phone or something but i dont my moirail's sick and sleeping and my girlfriend won't talk to me for the rest of the night which is fair
I think the worst thing is the intrusive thoughts about being angry at her and how dare she do this. Those aren't good thoughts. They aren't indicative of anything true but they come anyway. I don't want her to die and I don't hate her but my mind keeps saying so. And I don't like this. Why can't I be a nice good person who doesn't spiral into unwanted thoughts calling for people to die.
Thank you. I just hate myself so much. Because I keep doing this. I guess I'm making progress in areas but I keep fucking up in this one.
Weird things that calm aon down: Being told that I'm not boring Expressions of amazement that you aren't bored of me Framing compliments as "well it's not annoying" or something similar Being told that I'm pissing someone off or that they currently hate me but they put up with me anyway because they love me Being told that I'm liked primarily because they find me useful Being told that my suffering is somehow enjoyable to them in some fashion but also like they're not creepy about it
I wonder if it's due to living with family that is very focused on "telling it like it is". Which in practice actually translates to "yell at aon and call her a fucking moron because whatever the fuck". I get compliments from my family, yes, but I'm just so used to every little thing I do being criticized. And with my grandmother it's not even very consistent. Sometimes I am doing things how she wants them but other times that same thing is worthy of being called an idiot and just generally degraded. You are constantly walking on eggshells and hoping that some arbitrary thing you did doesn't set off another screaming fit. Also nice things are used as emotional weapons. All the time. Nice things just aren't trust worthy.
Which might be part of why my hatred of gifts expresses itself in a need to pay people back. Because if they're paid back then they have no actual leverage over me. Yes you did a nice thing, but I did a nice thing of exactly equal worth. So I owe you nothing.
This is probably part of why I snap at my girlfriend. She's nice and I trust her, but nice things aren't trust worthy. So people end up in this category of being trusted so much that I cease trusting them. Moirail has noted that I didn't use to snap at him and get bitchy at him. Morven has also noted that I don't do this to her either. Like there's some sort of intimacy threshold that moirail and my girlfriend have passed that has somehow made them threats. I mean everyone is a potential threat. But them and my family more so. I must find a way to fix this mental hangup. Because they aren't my family. I'm very aware of that. They're mean to me at times, but it's not in the fashion of "Oh Aon spelled something wrong so it's time to talk about how much of a fucking failure she is and how lucky she is that we even tolerate her." But more "you're a fucking whiny bitch at times but we love you anyway because you are useful and clever".
At this point people being mean to me is just normal. Very specific sorts of mean are deeply comforting to me. Like I've had some incredibly grumpy and mean professors who are among my favorites. Because they're trustworthy and when they say nice things about my work they actually mean it. Also those professors oddly helped with my self esteem by first murdering it. Because I realized oh yes I can survive something this seemingly fucking hopeless so I can survive anything. I might not always come out the other side with someone genuinely complimenting me or liking my things but I can take it. I don't want to take it but I can. They threw me into a fire and that's where I learned that fire doesn't actually mean much.
-ponders again if that's part of why i like military fiction so much- Grandpa is the other part of why more than likely given that he's an ex-career man and he's talked about it a lot since I was a kid. He's never glamorized it, but he's also never exclusively hated it.
Popping in again to say you are definitely not boring. Also, your family sounds…scarily similar to my dad's. :/ Witnessed.
It's pretty shit. And yet I don't hate them? And they're not awful all the time. Just. It's not a healthy environment to live in, you know?
Like it's really weird to know that I'm being abused but also not at the same time. And also knowing that, no, my grandmother isn't actually evil or something. She's just got head issues she has never had treated and she is really, really bad at managing.
