I am aware that I need help. I should at minimum be back on antidepressants, and if I had a chance in hell of finding a not actively damaging therapist in this shit hole of a county I could probably use that too. Oh and while I'm at it some actual physical health care would be great too. But here's the thing. Every time I try to get help, something else goes wrong. Doctors moving out of state. Money problems fucking with meds access. Friends who promised to support me moving on. I was having genuine suicide thoughts again today, and I know some of it's the place I'm in right now mentally, but... say I take a leap of faith and say that things will get better. They have before. But then they got worse again. I just don't know how many more times I can do this. And I don't know how to argue back against "what's the point if you're never going to actually get better."
sounds like bad luck, with the outside circumstances. just like good luck, bad luck also doesn't last forever. for everything else, man, i'm paddling in this shitcanoe right alongside you.
witnessing and hugs are welcome. thank you. I will try not to blame myself for the external stuff. internal stuff... I made myself get out of the house and spend time in a sunny chair at the coffee shop this morning. just keep finding little nice things that are worth hanging around for. is it OK if I just come back to the thread to vent when things are hard?
@shredded_wires That's absolutely fine! :) You're not the only person who does things that way, some people find it easier to put all their stuff in their one thread.
fuck everything my slow inability to keep track of things and deal with stress means that the overdue bill pile is getting scary and the money's all gone bc I can't think, and it's not like my roommates couldn't in theory help cover except where I already owe them from doing this before and I'm in this place bc I'm not managing the bills well like I promised I would and I just wanna die. I wanna stop existing because I have fucked up, and when I fuck up at being an adult people just yell at me and guilt me about how I should be doing good better than this. I can't get help, because if I ask for help people essentially have to stab me half to death first, and I can't do that anymore. (I don't have a method or anything, and I don't feel like finding one as long as I can stay here and not have to talk to any of my roommates except maybe my sister. but the idea of having to explain what's going on makes me want to reach through my ears and shred my brain)
witnessed. i'm particularly bad about the bills too. when i get stressed my brain will go into panic mode, followed by an immediate shutdown w/r/t whatever it is that's stressing me out. i'll get an envelope, see the name on it, get upset for a hot second and then immediately go NOPE NOT NOW. just can't think about that at the moment without having a goddamn breakdown. which is obviously not ideal, and is the reason i've been ignoring my student loans for... two years now. whoops. obviously i don't have any constructive solutions, but i know those feels. i hope you get a handle on things soon because that is a shitty place to be.
having a rough night. it probably doesn't help that i've been fighting a cold, and that my nerve damage in my hands hurts a whole lot. but my boyfriend was basically ignoring me during our date time today, and i just feel invisible and taken for granted, and my hands hurting never helps with the spiral of 'you're broken and it's only going to get worse' since, on a large scale, that is literally true with nerve damage. fuck. i don't know. i am trying to listen to nice music and drink good tea and all i can think is how fucking useless and unwanted i am.
