i guess child services is gonna be a thing now (help?)

ok so me and my therapist has for a long time been talking about how its hard for me to live at home and we have been flirting with the idea of contacting child services for a while

heres the thing. i personally STRONGLY believe living on my own is vital to my recovery, ive never felt safe at home ever, theres a good argument for emotional abuse happening with mom and i used to live with a very psychologically abusive family (which actually never got CS involved, just disowned/abandonded)
this whole thing has made me super reluctant to live at home, i never feel safe around my mom, ive planned runaways since i was 9, i try to be as quiet as possible, which means i on average only say about 20 sentences a day when not in school, i never have friends over. im literally ALWAYS walking on eggshells, scared of voicing my opinion or dropping the act, and i have to cater to my moms every emotion, and if im sad i have to comfort her because me being sad makes her sad. she makes sarcastic comments. theres so much more but its just this constant tension and guilt. and faking being someone else. its really messing with my health. i dont feel like i can ever relax and im constantly guilty.

Its hard keeping it short if i wanna include all the details, just know its a enviroment its really hard to recover in (i have chronic depression, dysphoria and anxiety and all those things you get after experiencing repeated trauma both from old home and outside events. she tries to fix it but in all the wrong ways, i cant get meds and she dont like trans people etc)

I could live with dad, but i honestly dont feel too safe there either. Dont get me wrong hes literally the sweetest guy and very understanding, and its hard to put my finger on it but a lot of things here feel lackluster. the kitchen is constantly messy, i live in another section in the house, above another family who pays rent, its far from the room to the bathroom, kitchen etc, its only me in the attic and i often am too tired to go downstairs to get food which means i often am hungry. i often dont have clothes upstairs etc. everything is just kind of all over the place. not to mention its the house where my old family would live and abuse me, which is bad memories.
(long story, my dad was not the abusive one keep in mind)

its generally agreed upon that whenever im left to do tasks myself, i do a WAY better job. on almost every field. when i live with a family i get super anxious and feel like im restricted and therefore end up half assing my life. id love to spend my food money on not junkfood and id love to keep my room tidy, but when nothing feels like its yours and you yourself kind of feels like property its hard to get motivated. everything feels like its done catering to my parents, not me. when ive actually been making food alone (school kitchen, when mom is out of the country etc) i actually am a decent cook and love doing it, same goes for just about anything else. im a really tidy person but i feel like its not worth it so i dont bother. which causes further anxiety cause then everything around me is messy

while this may sound stupid and hyperbole, living at home is genuinely making me suicidial, i cant tell if its some kind of hidden emotional abuse going on, or if its post traumas lingering, or just being a teen but its severely incaptitating my ability to function, including socializing and going to school.

I still really love my parents and i know they are trying, which makes this whole thing much harder. i still feel like living there is ruining my health.
still when even your therapist says its gotten to a point where shed like you tell CS, you know something isnt right

While we think premature moving out so i can complete school and get healthy is a good idea, my therapist strongly advocates it but to approach carefully since taking any wrong steps could cause the whole stair to fall apart. yknow what i mean? I need to come out about it myself, sit down and have the "talk" with my parents which is gonna be super hard. does anyone know how to go about this?
also does anyone know anything about premature moving out?
another aspect is that me and my parents love each others a lot and this is not done out of hate, its just about getting out of toxic air and getting a new shot at recovering and reclaiming my life, how would i go about explaining to them that i really love them, but am still having trouble living with them?
(im turning 16 in spring, norway)

 

im really stressing out, i havent been able to get out of bed and its 6pm. and im feeling very anxious about this whole thing + just living at home in general does anyone have advice???

 

maybe you could go live wth your dad on a temporary basis? just a place you can stay while you figure out something more permanent and safe.

and i think you could probably give your parents the stuff you said here about loving them but needing to have distance for your own personal well being. you wrote it out here really well. other people are probably better than me at recomending additonal stuff you might want to say though!

 

my dad lives so unorganized, for reference he never visits my room, just calls me. ive been in bed all day and he hasnt checked on me. its not as toxic here but it still dont feel good

like hell sometimes say hes out for 2 hours and come home at 4am, or forget food and its just really really lonely. it just kind of feels like im stuck in waste if that makes sense

 

yeah, your dad's place definitely isn't good. i don't have enough experience with this stuff to offer solid sugestions for what to do now, but witnessed. hopefully someone else can offer advice?

 

thanks, its ok that you dont know, its a messy and weird situation,

 

Damn, that's a shitty situation to be in, I'm sorry dude. As for advice: pretty much what raybot said re: what to tell them - you've put it well here. Is there any chance your therapist could be present when you explain everything to your parents, for moral support and to help phrase things/lend credence to what you're saying (assuming your parents like/respect your therapist)?

 

my mom dont trust my therapist lol

or the facility she works at, or modern medicine, or my judgement

maybe she could work on the sideline directing me though. im scared of being mocked by my mom, she constnatly jokes around about us calling child services and is in general very very sceptical of third party intervention and modern medicine

 

she also does not really believe or aknowledge i was abused, she refuses to call my brother feeling me up for 3 years sexual harrasment, refuses to aknowledge my stepmom abused me, and blames all my problem on school. also calls getting beaten regularily by your brother "sibling love"

 

Yyyyyyep, that's what I was afraid of. Damn, I wish I had better advice than 'get the fuck outta dodge ASAP'.

 

its ok ha, ill work this out with my therapist eventually, thanks though!

 

Im fucking terrified im visiting her home today, i found out the CPS centre of my district is right by where i get of the train. Thinking of ditching last lesson so i can visit today. Im just so fucking scared of meeting my mom again

 

Tbh im on the verge of an anxiety attack, im 80% sure shes also gashlighting me and i am scared of losing control of my mind when i return to her, the days ive been over at dads house has despite all been a fresh breath where ive had time to evaluate the situation without the added bias of actually trying to cope with bein at home and not going fucking insane

 

Hoo. Okay. Deep breaths. Just focus on getting through the next ... however long, until you can get CPS involved. If you're worried about forgetting/being gaslighted, maybe try writing things down -- I know that was a strategy Luka/vastderp used. Whether that's in an actual diary or posts on here or whatever, keeping a record you can look back on might help. Or not! I have no idea but I am very worried and I wish I could help.

 

hmm thanks, im home now and it went better than i expected. no signs of weird stuff etc. i really like the idea of a journal. maybe make a personal thread, nd thanks for your thoughts it means a lot

 

she just entered to talk about school, i accidentally blurped out some filtered version of my feelings

idk how to describe it except. a lot of talk about school and when i mentioned wanting to move out just a condesending "youre too young" which actually isnt even legally correct, i tried to tell her i felt like she was derailing my treatment and how it does not feel like she trusts me at all. she replied very sceptically and got defensive. im too stupid to remember details even tho it was 5 mins ago, but she began talkign about how tolling it is for her to fix medical stuff for me and how much effort she spends on it, and when i told her i felt she was "putting a bandaid on a blemish" or spending effort on wrong solutions it just felt very condescending how she replied. and when she left she came back a minute later and was like "by the way dad agrees with me on how to treat you" which.... im not sure but i do think thats incorrect, me and dad have very honest dialoge and he also aknowledged only yesterday that she was often going her way or no way and that it was an issue. basically i feel like she never listens to me and gets defensive if i try talking back or intentionally skew my words

(also im considering just logging here instead? maybe add a disclaimer in the title, i also made a thing a while back of the weird medical shit she used to do w me)

 

she also says i should maybe stay on one home at the time, and that that home should most logically be hers. but id rather bewith dad

 

First: you're not stupid for not remembering. Happens a lot in emotionally charged situations.

Second: talking about how much ~effort~ she spends on you, dismissing and belittling your (very valid!) concerns because you're ~too young~ and she ~knows best~ ... yeeeeesh. I've no doubt she really thinks she knows best for you, it's just that she doesn't, and she's so convinced she's right that she won't hear otherwise. Plus some good old-fashioned emotional abuse. Hooray.

Also yeah, feel free to log here, but just know this subforum isn't private. Idk if that's a thing you're worried about, but yeah.

 

Thanks for reminding me, totally forgot it was public ill make a new thread
And you got it pretty spot on, although it wasnt really emotionally charged, it was more passive agressive on her part and is actually less bad than i was expecting (she does stuff like this almost every day)

 

You can also have a mod move this thread to a private subforum by "reporting" it (yes, on other forums report is just for bad stuff, but here the mods prefer it because it makes it easier for them to keep track of things)