I have no idea what the Tumblr-PC thing to do in this situation is.

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by how do I people, Jun 15, 2015.

  1. how do I people

    how do I people A seeecrit identity

    (I don't know if this is the right forrum for this? Might be more appropriate for "Fine Imported Drama," IDK)

    Bluuuh. So I've got social anxiety, mostly centered around being really paranoid about upsetting or hurting or angering people. Which of course, makes Tumblr a very stressful place to be, but my friends are there and it's about the only places to find a semi-active fandom for one of my favorite things, so I'm not about to quit.

    Aaaanyway, I draw things sometimes, and I've recently been drawing a series based on the different pride flags. And I'm having very mixed emotions about the whole endeavor. Because on the one hand, a lot of people are liking it and saying it's affirming and made them feel good about themselves! And that feels great!

    But then other people send me passive-aggressive "I'm x and I feel so left out :( Why are you ignoring x?" messages when I've clearly stated that I'm not done yet.

    The latest and most passive-aggressive message so far is asking me to include straight pride and cis male/cis female pride, and I... don't know how to respond to that. I am made at least a little uncomfortable by the idea, but I don't know if that's actually how I feel about it, or just how I feel about the knowledge that certain sectors of Tumblr would be after my blood for it. On the other hand, I'm really not okay with some Tumblrites' attitude of hate towards cis and het people, and I don't want to seem to support that.

    To make matters worse, the ask itself was phrased in a really manipulative way, asking if I'm going to "forget (cis/het people) like so many others do in light of this 'pride fad'." (Scare quotes on 'pride fad' and all.) It's an anon, too, so there's no chance to respond to it privately. Bluh. I'd be inclined to just ignore it, but I've also gotten at least one reblog expressing similar sentiments. Plus, I feel like I run away from or ignore my problems too much already :/
  2. Fish butt

    Fish butt Everything is coming together, slowly but surely.

    To be honest, I would just ignore it. You are drawing these because you want to, and I believe you are fully in your right to not include cis/het. I say this mainly because cis/het are already catered to by society every day. Why on earth's name should we have a pride flag? I say this as a cis/het person myself. It is an obnoxious sentiment that I hope comes from a place of ignorance, but I believe comes from a place of malice: to take away the attention to the groups who need it. The whole purpose of pride as I understand it is to shine the light on those people who are usually hidden or not accepted by society, in order to force society to recognise them and not pretend they can get away ignoring them.

    The same goes for those people who say 'why are you ignoring x?' - you are not done, you still have drawings to make, and those people will see them soon enough. They are not your bosses and they are not paying you, you are under no obligation to fulfill their mental deadlines. Heck you don't even know their deadlines.

    It is a sad thing, but you cannot make everyone happy, and that is fine. Ignoring anon is not running away from problems. It is addressing the problem in a perfectly valid manner, and I believe probably the only manner.
    • Like x 6
  3. how do I people

    how do I people A seeecrit identity

    Thanks :)

    That was sort of my gut feeling as well, but sometimes these days I have a hard time separating "this is a bad/good thing" from "loud people will say this is a bad/good thing," if that makes sense? Like my own fear of upsetting people is getting in the way of deciding what I actually think is right or wrong. Welp, that's probably not healthy ^^;

    Anyway, thank you for responding! It helps to have some confirmation from another source.
    • Like x 1
  4. Morven

    Morven In darkness be the sound and light

    Honestly, I'd just switch off anon. People get really abusive.
    • Like x 1
  5. how do I people

    how do I people A seeecrit identity

    Probably not a bad idea, tbh.
    Does anyone know what happens to anons already in your inbox if you turn off anon? I've got a few others that I honestly do want to respond to, but don't have the spoons for atm. I don't trust Tumblr's UI not to do something stupid and delete them all or something -_-
  6. winterykite

    winterykite Non-newtonian genderfluid

    i turned off my anon a while ago and the old anon messages were still there, but that was before the last tumblr update.
  7. Void

    Void on discord. Void#4020

    Messages already in your inbox stay there! No worries about them disappearing.
  8. hoarmurath

    hoarmurath Thor's Hammer

    I also recommend ignoring. You don't owe rude people anything. (You don't even owe polite people anything.)

    If you feel you don't want to do that, answer the anon and be like "yeah well, I am not okay with that request, I am not doing it and I will not reply to any further requests for this". Turning off anon is also good, of course.
  9. Raire

    Raire Turquoise Helicoid

    To be honest, I wouldn't answer at all like that hoar. Really frustrating people might take that as an excuse/feel annoyed and send more messages, more aggressive, and that isn't fun for social anxiety. Ignoring really seems like the best way to go about this.
  10. hoarmurath

    hoarmurath Thor's Hammer

    The OP said they're not comfortable ignoring this, that is why I said it. Otherwise I would also just recommend ignoring, too.

    Also plz use my full user, we're not that well acquainted yet so I am not very cool with the short version, even if it's actually the correct one!
  11. how do I people

    how do I people A seeecrit identity

    @whimsicalobservant and @Void Thanks! That's good to know!

    @hoarmurath I'm afraid I haven't got the guts for something like that ^^; I wish I did, but... yeah.
    And you and @Raire too, thank you both - it helps to know other people think ignoring is the best choice, too. I tend to struggle with the fact that I know my first instinct is to avoid things that make me nervous or unsure, and trying to navigate when that's okay and when I need to take risks and put myself out there. It's good to have the reminder that it's sometimes okay, sometimes even best, not to do the uncomfortable thing, and to not feel guilty about not doing it either.
    • Like x 2
  12. hoarmurath

    hoarmurath Thor's Hammer

    Then feel free to ignore them, honestly. You don't owe it to anyone to respond. There are better ways to deal with risks and so forth if you want to at some point. :)
  13. winterykite

    winterykite Non-newtonian genderfluid

    The "don't ignore people" is rooted in those people being reasonable.
    The shit dumped in your inbox? Not reasonable. Not even close to it.
    • Like x 3
  14. Raire

    Raire Turquoise Helicoid

    Sorry @hoarmurath I'll stick to the full from now on.
    Glad I could be of help, even if it was just a simple confirmation. I know I used to get stressed just from deviantart and I've somehow avoided the weird stuff that somehow keeps happening to people on these sites O_O
    Take care :)
  15. how do I people

    how do I people A seeecrit identity

    Thanks, all. The support is much appreciated :)
  16. hoarmurath

    hoarmurath Thor's Hammer

    You're welcome! :)

    I am fine with being private messaged too for concerns, as well if need be.


    All good.
    • Like x 1
  17. how do I people

    how do I people A seeecrit identity

    I guess part of the issue for me too is, people (some anon, some not) are starting to ask for some really obscure/specific identities (like, genderflux as opposed to genderfluid, which I've already drawn) and I'm... I don't want to be unsupportive or leave people out, but each of these takes hours to draw, and I could be doing this for ages if I try to represent every single different way a person could relate to their orientation and/or gender. :/ I'm not good at saying "no" to people.
  18. hoarmurath

    hoarmurath Thor's Hammer

    You are not being unsupportive. It's your art, you can do whatever you want with it. If people feel unsupported because an artist on tumblr said no to them, they need to deal with their own problems, mainly the problem them expecting too much from other people. If they want twenty-seven different genders, they can just as well pay you.

    I mean, that is what I would do. If I wanted something added to a collection, very much, I would ask if the artist takes commissions, because that's a chance to give a cool person money and money is always good. Of course then it's okay to refuse too, but there you have it.
    • Like x 1
  19. how do I people

    how do I people A seeecrit identity

    That's a good point. Maybe I could offer a discount for commissions specifically related to this project, or something like that. Thank you!
    • Like x 2
  20. hoarmurath

    hoarmurath Thor's Hammer

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