I honestly don't know what to do now (relationship)

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by Oberan315, Apr 29, 2015.

  1. Oberan315

    Oberan315 New Member

    FIRST: slight warning that this may be hard to read because (TMI) I might have a pretty bad stomach bug and will be... distracted from writing this occasionally.
    ALSO: I swear... if that offends you I apologize.

    So this may end up being pretty long and if it is I apologize. To start at the beginning, I met this guy at work who was nerdy, kinda sweet, fairly attractive, and (the hardest thing for me to find...) actually likes guys. We started hanging out a bit and it proceeded to flirting VERY fast. He admits that he had a crush on me as soon as he started at the store and I told him I liked him back.

    We hung out once at my house and mainly just played videogames and watched youtube. While we were watching youtube, however, he started cuddling up to me and laying on my lap. At one point he even had me lay on his lap. I was super awkward at this point because I knew he had just been through a break up and I didn't know if this ... "meant" anything.

    After that we continue to stay flirty up until one day where he starts really missing his ex. I try to be nice ans supportive but he starts saying things like "no one could ever amount to him," and "he was the only one I loved and felt something real with." I know he wasn't directing any malice towards me but it still really hurt. I didn't send him any more texts for about a day and let him calm down and let him be the one to initiate a conversation with me. When he did the next day it was almost nothing but apologies for about 2 hours... and after that was out of the way I thought we were ok again.

    We started getting a little flirty again but I tried to somewhat keep my distance because of the whole ex scenario that happened. A little while later I get to hang out at his house and, like before, it started with videogames and ended with cuddling and youtube. At this point I was super confused with him but I really like him so I just went with it. After this the flirting started to become a LOT more sexual. He got me to install snapchat on my phone and (to put it bluntly) after a few days we had basically seen all of eachother minus eachothers dicks. He learned that storms (for some reason ... I still don't know why) make me very aroused and took those times to tease me even harder with pictures. Yet again, though this all suddenly came to a halt when he started missing his ex.

    This seemed to be the pattern for a bit and I got fed up... I wanted a relationship. He would still flirt with me sexually but if he ever thought of his ex bf he kinda pushed the "we are such good FRIENDS" thing down my throat. This kinda pissed me off but mostly just confused me. I had some free days one week and my dad happened to be out for the whole week so I tried to invite him over. He also had a couple of the days off and we planned to hang out at my place 2 days that week. (SIDE NOTE HERE: he has told me from like the minute we started talking that his parents are very strict and that he doesn't really leave the house much because of that. He also doesn't have people over if they are there because of them.) The first day we were supposed to hang out he got called into work and I was just kinda like "damn... well at least we still have Thursday." So... then Thursday morning comes along and I had just finished cleaning the whole house... he texts me that his mom is home... so he can't leave.

    Fast forward to that Sunday I am honestly kinda pissed at that and decide to joke about it with some friends from work. One (whom had already been drinking a little) informed me that I needed to forget about him because apparently he has been going out on dates.... she said that she knew for a little while but was hoping he would just tell me... but he didn't and she was drunk enough to have the confidence to blurt it out.

    I froze. I was like stone for the rest of the night. My friend kept telling me "i'm so sorry i shouldnt have said anything," but I needed to know.

    Now... this bothered me for a few reasons... first off how the hell could he go on dates if his parents are so strict that they have to think he is at work for him to be out of the house? on that same notion does this mean he lied that week and ditched me for a date with some guy?!?

    I didn't want any of this to be true so when I had calmed down a little early monday morning I sent him a long text asking him basically "what the actual fuck?" I was hoping that the "dates" we just like dinner dates with a friend or friends or something. From everything from before I VERY much felt like he still liked me but just needed time to get over his ex. I would not go as far as I did in "just a friendship."

    I was going to give him 2 days to reply before I sent a text asking if he received the message, but while writing this he actually texted me (at like 1am wed). All he sent was " I got your message I just really don't know what to say." ............... he has not replied to anything else.

    I don't know what to do... I really liked this guy and he knows how badly I have been hurt in the past. Why would he do something so similar to how I have been hurt before ESPECIALLY after telling me he was hurt in the same way?!? I don't know where to go from here and my hands are numb, i'm physically shaking, and i feel like im going to vomit... and i don't know what is the stomach bug and what is him/stress.
     
  2. TwoBrokenMirrors

    TwoBrokenMirrors Succulent Vex Belly

    He is either a massive dick or has issues with commitment or, most likely, kinda both. The 'suddenly getting hung up on his ex once things get intimate' thing is either him deliberately trying to put you in your 'place' or panicking, it's sort of hard to tell without knowing him. Regardless he handled it abysmally badly in all directions and I don't think it'd be a good idea to pursue this any further, sadly. If you really feel like you want closure, which might be an idea if you still have to work with him, you can try and ask him to have a serious conversation about it- maybe over an instant messenger or email or something, it's often easier to handle that way than face-to-face and you have concrete records- where you state your feelings much as you did here (try your best not to be confrontational becuse that puts people on the defensive, sadly) and ask him how he sees it all. It might work or it might not but if it doesn't then you can know for sure nothing is going to happen, and if he's honest and apologises or whatever then you can judge whether to cut him off or try and stay friends or something. Though to be honest it doesn't sound as though pursuing a relationship is going to work unless he bucks himself up majorly, and I wouldn't send any more nudey pics for certain.
     
  3. Oberan315

    Oberan315 New Member

    yeah forgot to mention i just completely uninstalled snapchat sunday night so the no nudity part won't be a problem. I was trying to talk to him about it through text but the issue (and sometimes blessing) with text based communication is you dont always have to reply... i want to have a discussion with him about this at the very least to find out what the heck is going on but... that part sadly falls to him.
     
  4. TwoBrokenMirrors

    TwoBrokenMirrors Succulent Vex Belly

    Yeah, if he just flat-out refuses to discuss it then that's a fairly big warning sign and I wouldn't bother with him after that. If he wants to talk, he's gonna have to come to you, since he's the one doing all the dodgy shit here.
     
    • Like x 1
  5. hoarmurath

    hoarmurath Thor's Hammer

    He comes off like a massive jerk who is leading you on, and sort of keeping options open. Which would be legit if he was open about it, but he does not seem to be.

    Someone who genuinely has issues opening up to a new person after a break-up would behave a little differently I think.

    In any case, you don't deserve to get jerked around, and there are plenty-plenty more guys who like guys, and guys who will like you!

    It's worth asking once on im like "hey, dude, I like you, what's up, do you want a thing or not?". And anything besides a clear "yes I do want a thing" is a no. Even a "not right now I need to get over previous guy" is a no. I've been there, done that, gotten the t-shirt. The guy I was into gave me the "not right now" answer TWICE and I still didn't get it. Caused me lots of pain. :(
     
    • Like x 1
  6. Oberan315

    Oberan315 New Member

    slight update. He just started sending texts like none of this happened. The first i can sort of understand because he heard from a friend i was getting sick and may need to go to the er, so he texted me if i was ok and asked what was wrong. I gave the shortest answer i could and then said i would rather not talk untill he could answer my previous text with more than "i really don't know what to say."

    later that night he sent a text complaining about work... i haven't replied since.
     
  7. hoarmurath

    hoarmurath Thor's Hammer

    Looks like he's not willing to pull his weight. I get maybe not wanting to discuss it when you are sick, and waiting until you are feeling better, but that is a thing he should have said, then.

    :(
     
  8. Lissiel

    Lissiel Dreaming dead

    I would not be talking to this guy any more than barest social politeness at work demands at this point. :(
     
  9. Oberan315

    Oberan315 New Member

    I guess that's all I really can do... i removed him on just about everything but my phone... I still want to know why as sad as that sounds.
     
  10. hoarmurath

    hoarmurath Thor's Hammer

    I feel you.

    You want to know. But...truthfully? It won't help. A lack of enthusiastic yes is a no. The reason for it won't change that it's still a no.

    Do nice stuff for yourself. You're awesome. The fact that he didn't treat you with the respect you deserve (and always will deserve) is on him, not on you.
     
    • Like x 1
  11. lvkz

    lvkz Well-Known Karkat

    ugh, i wish you posted this waaay back when he first started talking about his ex, that would be the sign to Communicate and ask him straight up what his intentions are with you. if you're gonna have NSA flirting/cuddling whatever it needs to be an agreement between both parties or else it's just one person being screwed around with. there's also the case that he thought he was communicating more to you than he actually was and didn't see that you would take as it more than casual flirting. maybe he presumed some unspoken rule about workmates etc. he seemed like he just wanted attention and was too pussy to ask for what he actually wants. he's scared of you putting your foot down because he knows he's been screwing around. not a good person to get involved with IMO
     
  12. Oberan315

    Oberan315 New Member

    in my defense i only learned about this site maybe 2 or 3 days ago >.< . I did ask him if he could see us in a relationship before things started getting sexual, he said probably but he needed to get to know me better first. And it wasn't the co worker thing because in one of the flirty moments he had he asked "oh, just curious, what is the policy on co workers having relationships?" ... the answer was as long as one is not a manager it is fine. The thing i think i am most pissed about is that a very similar but worse version of this happened to me with the very first person i was intimate with years ago... and i TOLD HIM ABOUT THAT. it wasn't like it was recent either that was one of the first things we talked about (he brought it up)
     
  13. AbsenteeLandlady123

    AbsenteeLandlady123 Chronically screaming

    Oh man, I'm sorry you're having so much trouble :c Hugs if you'd like them. He sounds like he's being a dick, whether that is his intention or not, and it might be best to try and move on
     
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