I keep panicking about nothing and it's really fucking annoying (Now liveblogging recovery process)

Okay, apparently the Bad Time back in February-April was sufficiently traumatic that I now have--triggers? related to it. Said triggers being really stupid, such as:

--A specific couple of books I was reading in a futile attempt to engage my interest in something, back when everything I really liked just felt poisonous. Reading them just created this--weird kind of echo of the Bad Feeling I was having? There are a couple of movies that do this too. I'm thinking about throwing them out.

--A specific story idea I was working on back when the panic attacks started getting REALLY BAD
*As a subset of this--apparently, the entire Southern Gothic genre? Because the story idea was an exercise in that genre, and I was immersing myself in like, aesthetics and those regional gothic posts and having an excellent time doing so, right around when I hit bugfuck rock bottom. So far I've tried to: read a southern gothic book I like--got a low feeling that would not fuck off for hours; and browse through those regional gothic posts just now, which brought on the beginning of a bad anxiety spike/panic attack, which didn't go away until I closed all the tabs and deleted the addresses from my browser history.
I guess the CrazyLogic on this one is Had Bad Anxiety While Enjoying This Last Time-->It's now irrevocably tainted-->Enjoying it will somehow summon the previous Bad Time from the abyss-->I can never ever go near it again-->SALT AND BURN
(I am really really hoping the anxiety around this is the kind that gradually fades away. I love southern gothic everything :c)

 

I was having a good day, too. I haven't had a real panic happen in months. Why does it always happen over the DUMBEST POSSIBLE SHIT I feel embarrassed for myself

 

I mean, I guess I do kind of know why the panics happen about stupid nonsense things. I have noticed a pattern where Shit will go down in my life and I'll hyperfixate on some tiny thing like it's life-threatening because--Bad Brain thinks that's safer? I guess???

The internet has been no help on this matter so far, and I'm not scheduled to speak to an actual therapist until DECEMBER, so.

 

Also I think my brain just likes taking things I enjoy away from me >:(

 

"Aversion to happiness, also called cherophobia and fear of happiness, is an attitude towards happiness in which individuals may deliberately avoid experiences that invoke positive emotions or happiness.

One of several reasons why cherophobia may develop is the belief that when one becomes happy, a negative event will soon occur that will taint that happiness, as if punishing that individual for satisfaction."

"One of several reasons why cherophobia may develop is the belief that when one becomes happy, a negative event will soon occur that will taint that happiness, as if punishing that individual for satisfaction."

"Mohsen Joshanloo and Dan Weijers identify four reasons for an aversion to happiness:

• a belief that happiness will cause bad things to happen
• that happiness will cause you to become a bad person
• that expressing happiness is somehow bad for you and others
• that pursuing happiness is bad for you and others.[7]

For example, "some people—in Western and Eastern cultures—are wary of happiness because they believe that bad things, such as unhappiness, suffering, and death, tend to happen to happy people." Wikipedia

DESPERATE LAUGHTER

 

The anxiety spike appears to have worked itself out, at least. That's a good thing. Though as usual I'm left staring at the memories of the event and wondering what the FUCK I was so terrified about

 

Okay I am making an appointment with the gynecologist because the last three periods I've had have been fucking murder

Period One, which was around the time I switched from Zoloft to Prozac, was so fucking late it might well have just skipped to the next one. It was also preceded by a solid 2+ weeks of emotional fuckery--this might have just been me having a bad mental time in general--and also sore breasts, food cravings, weird crampy feelings in my pelvis--basically I spent the entire two weeks convinced the period was just about to start, until finally it actually did

Period Two was about par for the course i.e. emotional stuff--i always get a bad, irrational anxiety spike with my period--but oh holy shit, I bled through super plus tampons, and the cramps made my entire abdomen feel like the churning gates of hell. Note that this is unusual. My periods are fairly mediocre, as periods go.

Period three--which I just got done with--bleeding/cramps weren't as bad as last time, though worse than usual still. Emotional stuff was oh my God no. OCD was bad. Got locked into doing the same compulsion for close to ten minutes, multiple times, because it would not feel right. Anxiety was bad, to the point where I nearly got--delusional, I guess? Like. I saw a fire truck, through the window, a couple nights ago. What if the apartment building is on fire and I don't know it yet???? Of course it's not. I know it's fucking not. And yet there will be no peace unless I walk through ALL THE HALLWAYS IN THE FUCKING BUILDING LIKE A CREEP and check for smoke. This took a while. I mean, thank fuck my mother was asleep and couldn't see because I could not stop myself. So, I don't know. Is it delusional if you're aware the entire time that you're being irrational?

I'm not sure if the period nonsense is because of the Prozac or a side effect of my mental hellscape, and I'm not sure it matters because I'm not going to stop taking it when it does so well for my depression, so. Gynecologist, and noting this for posterity/journaling reasons.

 

Good news--i officially haven't had a panic attack in a couple months :)

Anxiety spikes still happen, but I'm able to forcibly redirect my attention most of the time, and as long as I don't feed the thought by picking at it it goes away fairly quickly! :D I pretty much just take the hydroxyzine for sleep now, which--speaking of! I'm actually on a consistent schedule of going to bed at the same time and waking up at the same time for the first time in my life. Seriously. After over two decades of sleep-wake chaos, that's--weird XD

Pretty much the only thing acting up currently is the OCD, which--i am really looking forward to therapy and learning actual techniques for mitigating that. So.

 

I have turned twenty-seven (Eye of the Tiger begins playing)

Fuck you suicide I wrestled yet another year away from you