I keep panicking about nothing and it's really fucking annoying (Now liveblogging recovery process)

My anxiety has reached new heights courtesy of old man winter and it's starting to piss me off

(If anyone has any tips for managing this I would be DEARLY GRATEFUL, but otherwise I'm just here to--scream about the awful thing)

I keep having--not sure if they're PANIC ATTACKS, but definitely huge episodes of anxiety about specific, usually meaningless harmless things. The episodes are intensely physical--my stomach drops like a collapsed floor, my face goes cold (I get cold-hot fever-feeling chills over my whole body, actually), my whole body gets weak and shaking and the shakiness lasts for HOURS after the actual episode is over, I have IBS and this usually triggers a flare-up, and after the actual fear is over with I get alternating waves of 'everythings okay! Life is great! Full of promise!' and depression of the 'i want to be asleep so nothing hurts anymore, why did I have coffee, why life' type.

These episodes last anywhere from a half an hour to half a DAY--now, I've had these damn things basically since puberty, but I usually only have them once every few months. Like, a single handful of them per year. But I swear to fucking God ever since January started? I get one every few days. It's EXHAUSTING. It's terrifying! I fucking hate it! And I hate it most because the things that trigger it are so FUCKING trivial, things that I recognize are ridiculous while the episode is happening, and that afterwards I can't believe actually scared me. I HATE IT.

Specific examples of things I've panicked about, to demonstrate exactly how ridiculous this shit gets:

1. I have stacks of books all around my room, because I am a nerd and messy. These stacks have existed for years with no ill consequences. But suddenly! I am convinced that these stacks will fall over! What would happen if the stacks fell over? Absolutely nothing; I'd just build them back up. And yet. (To date, this is probably the least logical one)
2. The old-ass fridge is making weird noises. It's going to explode!
3. The old-ass heating system is making weird noises. It's going to explode!
4. My DVD player is making weird noises. It's going to explode! (Notice a trend?)
5. There's a scratch on one of the DVDs of my current special interest anime. IT IS BROKEN AND I WILL LOSE IT AND NEVER BE ABLE TO WATCH IT AGAIN.
6. My pet kitty is now dead and I can no longer Anxiety about him being secretly sick. BUT WHAT IF I WAS SECRETLY ABUSING HIM WHILE HE WAS ALIVE AND HE NEVER LOVED ME AND ACTUALLY HATED ME
7. Remember that part of a horror movie that actually scared you? It's heeeeere
8. Computer shit. I probably panic about computer shit the most, because my computer is both old and has my entire collection of art/writing/fanfiction on it. I back up everything at least twice a day to an external hard drive, and I have a newer computer ready to transfer everything to in case the worst happens (I only don't use the newer computer NOW because Autism Brain hates New Shit). Does this stop me from panicking? Nooooo.
(Specific example from today, actually: something quirky is going on with either my phone's clock or my laptop's clock (there used to be only a six-minute difference between them; now there's like a nine-minute difference, so either my phone's is getting slower or the laptop's is getting faster) I reset the laptop clock out if sheer annoyance and backed up everything again; the backup took a little longer than usual. THE COMPUTER IS DYING AND THE BACKUPS AREN'T WORKING AND EVERYTHING WILL BE LOOOOOST)

Ugh. I'm almost certain all the panic-chemicals are pickling my brain somehow, my quality of life is WAY down, and getting access to either therapy or some sort of anxiety meds is a minefield because I'm on the poor-people government-provided insurance. UGH.

 

I mostly just have a lot of empathy bc I've also been having a whole new level of anxiety this past month and a half. I'm currently waiting on an appointment for medication specifically to help with panic attacks, and just kinda... Trying to get through each day. My personal favorite method for while I'm in an attack +aftermath is to put some talking audio in my earbuds (audiobook or podcast), lay in bed, and do wiggles/bouncing/deep breathing. It's still a major interruption in the day but it helps keep me somewhat distracted and reduces the intensity.

 

Oh God that sucks D: I hope the appointment comes in a timely manner!

I do something similar to the wriggling/bouncing myself--i pace and handflap like a really pissed-off bird, because sharp movement is Soothing

(Fistbump)

 

Thing I forgot to yell about earlier: now, panicking over the petty shit is fucking awful, but at least twice now I've had anxiety attacks over LITERALLY nothing. Like. Nothing. I'll just be sitting there watching TV and--chills, stomach cramping, SOMETHING IS TERRIBLY WRONG AND I DON'T KNOW WHAAAAT

Those couple times were honestly the worst, because I can't grimly logic my way through anxiety when there isn't even an arbitrary cause for the anxiety and it's just my brain going fucking panic mode completely independent of the actual situation

 

Random small thing that spells the Death Of Us All today: laptop hinge makes a creaky noise when I open it

CLEARLY THAT MEANS THE SCREEN IS ABOUT TO POP OFF it's done that for literal years why is that a big deal TODAY

 

Actually, if there are tech-inclined people who'd like to answer this: what ARE the signs of a laptop about to have The Big Death, as opposed to like--the day-to-day quirks

 

MY BACKUPS AREN'T WORKING IT KEEPS FUCKING STALLING ON 'PREPARING BACKUP'

 

I RESTARTED THE COMPUTER AND IT'S STILL DOING IT

IT WAS WORKING FINE THE DAY BEFORE YESTERDAY WHAT THE FUCK

 

THREE TIMES I'VE TRIED IT

 

IT'S BEEN TEN MINUTES AND NOTHING THE BACKUPS USUALLY TAKE LESS THAN THREE

 

Oh thank God it's started working again but WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT????

 

Okay, the backup has been completed...? I have no answers as to why it gave me a heart attack today but

I guess if it happens again I know to just leave it?

 

Oh God I hope it never does that again

 

I hate the aftermath of this fucking shit it feels like getting over a huge bout of intestinal flu

Oily eely stomach and my skin is so cold and I'm SHAKING

And it was just over my laptop stalling on a thing which is an EVERYDAY THING that happens to EVERYONE

Why do I think everything is the world ending

 

Spoiler: It's the depression ignore me

Sometimes I feel like the stupid fucking terror is all I'll ever feel

I don't even want to get up in the morning anymore because I know I'll find something to scare the fuck out of myself with because my brain is fucking addicted to the process of a panic spiral I guess

Do people really enjoy things? Without like, their hackles low-key raising because the universe is waiting to knock you back down as soon as you feel happy about something?

I just want to feel safe again this has been the worst start to a year :(

 

I swear to God I keep inventing reasons to think the backups aren't working, despite little or no evidence of such

It backed up too fast! The size was too small! This one was bigger than the last few, despite little activity on the computer! (no, I don't know what that signifies, but it's Distressing)

Literally anything is an excuse to worry, while my laptop continues to chug along much as it always has, and despite the stalling last week and the Inexplicably Big Backup an hour ago the backups continue to be made quickly and smoothly. But I never trust things that go smoothly, of course! And then whenever the next minor fluctuation in the status quo occurs and I lose my entire shit, I just take that as confirmation that Everything Was Always Terrible Forever

 

In summary, fuck my brain man

 

GUESS WHO'S IN A DOWNSWIIIIIIIING :'D

 

MAN I SURE MISSED THAT FEELING OF CONSTANT FEAR AND NIT BEING ABLE TO SLEEP AND EVERYTHING I LOVE FEELING LIKE NOTHING TO ME

 

I can't!!!! Fucking!!!! ENJOY ANYTHING!!!! Is it pathetic to say that one of the worst parts of depression is the PROFOUND FUCKING BOREDOM?

BOY HOWDY IT SURE IS BUT THERE'S LITERALLY NOTHING THAT CAN DISTRACT ME FROM HOW SHITTY I FEEL