I need to rant out some old drama to get it off my chest

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by theambernerd, Dec 6, 2015.

  1. theambernerd

    theambernerd dead to all sense of shame

    So. Around two years ago, two weeks before going to college faar out of state. I went to an anime convention. Now. I'd made a lot of friends in the MN convention scene over the years and was generally going to this convention partially as a way to say goodbye to everyone, even though, y'know, i planned to be back every 2 1/2 months because that's how college breaks go. So it wasn't a hugely emotional goodbye to me, I saw most of these people once every few months in the first place. The other part of the reason was two months before, at another convention, a girl i'd talked to a few times and I had made out in her car, and planned to spend saturday night alone in her hotel room. Let's call this girl K. I made sure everyone I was rooming with knew I wouldn't be available saturday evening/night, and gleed about this situation maybee a bit more than necessary. I mean. It was going to be my first time. I was really, really excited. note; i was not dating this person. we're friends with benefits, and I only met her in that previous convention and one a week before, but I can form friendships rather fast.

    In fact, this story is mostly about two of my friends I was having a hotel room with. I had met them nine or so months prior at a convention, where I met them, hung out in their hotel room for about five hours, and then decided to stay at their hotel room that weekend as it had 1/4 the crowd mine had. we became fast and close friends after and made ourselves into a cosplay group with some other people, three of whom shared that hotel room.

    so, the con went not totally as planned but fairly well. friday I hung out with other friends and my hotel room friends a good chunk of the day. Planned to swim and hang out in the evening with said two friends, let's call them S and A, but they disappeared to hang out with other people for two hours. not a huge deal, the other three in the room were sorta pissed but I shrugged it off and had a good time anyways.
    Saturday morning, we all had a panel together. Afterwards ,the rest of the cosplay group went out to lunch, but since we were in crowded downtown and I have anxiety when it comes to leaving conventions in cosplay, i stayed behind, hung out with homestuck and hetalia friends some of the day, most the rest spent with K's friend at the artist alley since she was alone, K wouldn't make it until some time in the afternoon/evening. So I spent moost of the afternoon/evening interchangably waiting for K to arrive eagerly, and showing some other friends of mine, who were at a con for the first time, around. Didn't see A or S much at all, think I tried to find them once or twice but I don't remember.

    K finally arrived, I ran into A and S momentarily when K and I were in their hotel room, me changing so we could go out for dinner. K and I had a good dinner, an excellent night, slept in her room as planned, had a wonderful breakfast, and went back to the con. (edit: i just remembered that when I went to the con after sex w/ K(cause i was too pumped on adrenaline to sleep) I did hang out with A & S and some other people for like and hour. I forget this because A and S mostly talked to people who weren't me, and I talked to one of our mutual friends who I didn't know as well) I tried to find A and S. I found A,but she was having a tearful moment with another friend of ours and things seemed awkward with me around, so I gave her some quick comfort and a goodbye and continued to search for S. Never managed to find her, so I texted her right after my dad picked me up.

    I got a message back saying she didn't want to talk with me right now. A day or so later I texted A, who said about the same. I asked what was wrong and she said that S and A felt betrayed and abandoned by the fact that I didn't spend enough time with them at the con. I apologized a bit and otherwise left it alone, as they said they didn't want to talk to me for a while.

    so that was sorta devastating, especially since i had /wanted/ to ask A at least to hang out at the mall the next weekend, as I would still be in town. Instead I had nothing to do because all of my other friends had gone to college already ,as mine has a late start. Then college started, and the struggles of making new friends left me really lonely, until I finally texted A and said I was sorry again, but that I was really lonely and struggling and wanted to see if we could talk again. She agreed, but told me that she probably wouldn't really view me the same for a while at least, and that I should never bring the drama up again.

    We went pretty peacefully until winter break. We were trying to organize a meetup for the cosplay group, and it sorta came out that S still didn't want to see me at all. So they organized the meetup at a time of the month I could not make it. I made a separate meetup for people in the cosplay group and me besides S and A, had a good time, but.. So A messaged me a bit before that saying that she was still bothered because S was still bothered and felt like I 'used her' because I got a ride from her to the con and then went and slept with someone instead of hanging out with them?
    This was sorta bad timing, because the next day A was breaking up with her girlfriend, and in a fit of selfishness and confusion I tried to badger A about why all the drama with me was such a big deal right after they broke up.. which led to A saying she wasn't going to deal with this shit and stopped talking to me for a month or two.. again when returning saying to never bring up the drama again.

    I tried to talk to S several times, mostly giving long paragraphs of apologies and stating how much I valued her as a friend and missed her and wanted to talk to her again. I don't remember much of what she said in response but it was mostly about how much she was hurt and didn't really want to talk to me.. and at one point about how she wouldn't have had a problem if I'd been dating K (note; k is 7 years older than me and I was 17 at the time l:)

    Come spring A talked to me again. A and I rp'd over text, so we kept doing that, and when I was home on breaks we started being in the same cosplay group meetups.. but S never made it to them, and over time I noticed that A, though before this all we would cuddle to sleep and hug all the time, never hugged me back or showed any indication of wanting to be physically near me.. our only good conversations were really about our rp, and I found it really hard to stop being an anxiety ball around her because I just wanted things to be normal so much, but they never were. That summer I found out on facebook that S and I were going to be at the same convention, and I said we should hang out. After a few hesitant responses I asked her to tell me bluntly if she didn't want to see me, and she said she did. Until then I'd been hoping that we could hash things out in person and repair this, and that just about ruined it, as that was the only chance I'd have to see her in person.
    Caught a glimpse of her and A at that convention and had about an anxiety attack.

    After that I only hung out with A a few more times and our rp eventually dwindled to nothing.. this last spring I finally gave up all idea of ever repairing my relationship with either of them. It especially bothered me as I realized that A had never been anything close to as interested in or affectionate towards me after that, and so I sent A a quick text saying that if I was wrong please correct me, but I'd become pretty sure she didn't like me at all, and if so, I didn't want to cause drama, but I'd be trying to hang out with other people from the (pretty much disbanded by now) cosplay group over the summer, not to try and exclude her but because I was pretty much certain she didn't want to see me. I send S a message telling her that my parents were moving out the end of this summer and if she wanted to repair our relationship and hang out, I'd love to. Never got a reply from either.

    I just wanted to get that out because.. i still get stuck thinking about it at night sometimes. And like.. I honestly feel like it was all my fault sometimes. I'm not gonna regret having sex with K, it was amazing and a great time and I could never regret it, but I wish I'd spent less time waiting for her to arrive and more time that con finding S and A and talking to them. At the same time, they ditched me literally the night before for two hours the moment we were about to do something together (were literally walking back to the hotel room together when they suddenly split off, then texted five minutes later saying oh we're gonna do a different thing). And like, I had some poor timing with confronting A about this all, and besides that all my apologies were really whimpery and probably excessive and a bit emotional-manipulating-y because my method for the longest time to deal with arguments is forget every part of my position and just lie down and apologize for everything until it's better. So it still bothers me that I never confronted them about their hypocrisy or that I thought the whole drama was really slut-shame-y or any of that, and I feel like because I dealt with apologizing and confrontation wrong that what if they're telling other people how horrible of a friend I was and just. adjf;laskdjf;lskjaflksaj. uggggh. this was the stupidest thing.

    and like.. it wasn't my fault, right ?? i know i should've not reacted in all the ways I did and I'm trying to fix that stuff but like. it wasn't rational for them to be that angry about all this.. right???

    edit: also probably important to note that both A and S are demisexual, so if you ever see me being stupidly uncomfortable about talking about my sexuality around demisexual people, this is why
     
    Last edited: Dec 6, 2015
    • Like x 1
  2. Mercury

    Mercury Well-Known Member

    It kinda sounds to me like A and S were mad you weren't available at their convenience, but when you were available didn't make much of an effort to interact with you. Their weirdly standoffish reactions to you having a fun night with a FWB and S outright stating she wouldn't have a problem if you and K were dating, though, gives me the impression that being mad you didn't drop everything and spend time with them when they wanted is mostly a cover for being mad you went and had casual sex.

    A thing I've noticed with some demisexual young people is that they use their orientation as more of a claim of purity, that they aren't like those people who go sleeping around all the time, and they get really judgmental about people who have sex in situations that they wouldn't. As you did.

    It is pretty weird of them. Even if we discard the idea they were mad because you had casual sex, the reasonable reaction to not getting to spend much time with a friend one rarely sees in person is disappointment and finding ways to connect again later, especially since you were all at a con, which are large and chaotic and it's easy to lose track of people. Giving you the cold shoulder and silent treatment is a ridiculous overreaction on their parts.
     
    • Like x 6
  3. roach

    roach hump rumpus professional

    S and A sound incredibly selfish and petty, and much more intrested in clinging to this narrative of how you were a bad friend rather than making any effort to repair the relationship. if they wanted to repair the relationship, even if they still wanted to be selfish and have it be all about their feelings, they could have talked to you about what they were mad about and given you things you could have done to make up for them. they could have easily given you chances to be close to them if they genuinely wanted you to be close to them, it sounds like you were making every effort to be a bigger person and make amends.

    instead, they didn't make any effort to hang out with you during the con, didn't keep in contact with you so knew where hang out with them— or that they wanted you to hang out with them— then afterwards responded to you not hanging out with them by cutting off contact with you, and then continuing to say they were so hurt because you weren't giving them enough attention that they didn't want to see you? am i getting this right? they sound like assholes. assholes who were really satisfied with sticking you in the Bad Friend role and leaving you there to rot.

    you can't reasonably be both hurt that someone's not paying enough attention to you, and bar them from interacting with you. friendship doesn't work like that. i'd say you're definitely better off without these guys in your life.
     
    Last edited: Dec 6, 2015
    • Like x 3
  4. Morven

    Morven In darkness be the sound and light

    My gut says this is exactly what happened here. And that's completely unreasonable and not even slightly your fault.
     
    • Like x 7
  5. theambernerd

    theambernerd dead to all sense of shame

    Thanks for the responses!! Yeah, I suspected the demisexual purity thing.. tho also S had a really bad time their first time, while A is sex-repulsed, so I suspect it was a lot of projecting values. Like, they couldn't imagine that my first time was an incredibly important thing to me even as casual sex. Or something. Bleeeaaahhh.

    I'm mostly over everything now, I came to the conclusion that I was better off having parted ways with them anyways some months ago, it just still bothers me sometimes that I never got to argue my point of view to them. And also the suddenness of it. Like, we were super close incredibly enthusiastic con buddies before that, and suddenly it all just. stopped for good after one slip up on my part. Thaaat's bullshit and was a huuuge whiplash that took me forever to come to terms with.
     
    • Like x 2
  6. theambernerd

    theambernerd dead to all sense of shame

    o w o
    so guess who decided to make a group meetup event for the old cosplay group out of nowhere. Hi A. Glad to see she's actually interested in reconnecting with the people we called mutual friends that I made a specific effort to meet up with whenever I could. I'm sure the meetup description won't have anything passive aggressive.

    "I want 100% honesty if you don't want to meet up again just let me know, my inbox is open. I'll delete you from the group and the event and we'll call it good.

    Have a problem with me for some reason? just say not going and call it good. Stay out of my inbox with negativity and delete yourself from the group."

    and then, under that in a comment: "Yeah, my last thing was a little harsh, but I'm tired fam"

    I just. wow. okay, first of all, no. I just. Ugh. I don't even know what to say to all this. Some part of me really wants to try and talk to them again but I know it's just not worth it. but, ugh. bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhh.

    I want to be able to explain what all happened and talk things out with them but I'm worried it'll be a long feelings-surfacing speech I'll make, send to her, and she'll promptly never respond, like the last time i messaged her, saying i was pretty sure she hated me but please correct me if i'm wrong on that, and never got a response from. just. ugh.
     
  7. reiyel

    reiyel Active Member

    okay, if she's already coming in with this kind of attitude, you KNOW that after she has to spend time and spoons organizing stuff this is not going to be a fun group for anyone because she'll feel put upon and possibly even more defensive than she already does.

    "don't want your NEGATIVITY" = "don't you even dare to bring up that you may have a legitimate issue with me either, let's all smile and pretend we've missed each other soo much and none of it was my fault."

    if you were added to the event after that bullshit and it was her decision, and then she goes and says stuff like that? she's basically daring you to complain. she doesn't want to clear the air and be friends again and trying to talk about it will bring you nothing good.

    on the other hand, ignoring it and her totally generous olive branch will probably chafe her butt nicely. >_>

    seriously. don't even answer. make her come to you with questions if she wants to ask them. don't come to her just so she gets a chance to make you feel unwelcome. she had all the occasions in the world to talk to you and fix this before today, and she didn't. when YOU tried, she IGNORED YOU. she's never going to want to talk this out like adults.
     
    Last edited: Jan 10, 2016
    • Like x 4
  8. Mercury

    Mercury Well-Known Member

    I agree with @reiyel - this sounds like drama mongering bullshit. Honestly, I think that if you don't have a really good reason to need to see emails that might be from her, make a filter that delivers anything from her email address straight to the trash.
     
    • Like x 1
  9. theambernerd

    theambernerd dead to all sense of shame

    I'm invited cause it's a fb cosplay group we co-founded p much, so the whole group is invited, and i guess she decided i wasn't worth the effort to just kick?? i'm 99% sure the defensive comments could only be aimed towards me tho, i'm 99% sure everyone else has had no problems with each other.
    I've unfriended her on facebook already so this is lit the only way i can get notifications from her, so dont worry, it's not like i'm keeping unnecessary contact XD it's just. i co-founded this cosplay group and I like everyone in it but A and S just fine, and as far as I know they all like me just fine
    I might've left the group, specially since nothing'd happened on it for a year before now, if not for the practical challenge to just leave she gave l: and yeah, ignoring the challenge probly would piss her off but despite everything i dont particularly waant to do that? honestly my favorite thing to happen would be we have a calm conversation about what happened and decide to become like. distant friendly acquaintances. cause i don't want to be her friend anymore? but dear god I also don't want to feel like having a panic attack if I see her face at a MN convention again
     
  10. reiyel

    reiyel Active Member

    honey, you already are "not her friend anymore." and with someone who's got such a shitty attitude, this is the best you're ever going to get. you made overtures, polite, asking to be told what you'd done to wrong her -- not even accusing her of anything, though there was enough! and she snubbed you. she is never, ever going to be interested in mending fences. you can not say anything she will take as "let's be friendlyish again" because that would be admitting something shitty did happen and she was at least half at fault for it. she wants to goad you to say something she can take as an attack so she can go on feeling wronged and writing you entirely off.

    don't hand her that sort of power over you. it's done, bury it. you don't have to acknowedge her messages in the group in any way, because you're still waiting on a reply from her before any polite interaction can proceed. until she has acknowledged your previous email from a while back in some way (some direct way, not passive aggressive you had better not bitch to me!!!!!!! way) then the ball is in her court. she's doing the equivalent of pissing and moaning that omg the ball is not throwing itself, how dare it. nnnnope.
     
    • Like x 4
  11. theambernerd

    theambernerd dead to all sense of shame

    thanks for the support >> like, i know we're not friends. we haven't been for a whiile tbh. i just... honestly? I'd assumed I was the only one still feeling a lot about that drama and I'd assumed she'd moved on without any feelings by now. The fact that she's as angry at me as I sometimes am at her threw me for a loop, and i'm wishing she was mature enough for us to bury this hatchet like. in the normal way where we have a conversation.

    besides, i never really voiced my side of things while stuff went on, just prostated a bunch to try and make her like me again, and then got snappy a few random times when she refused to like me again. I really want her to actually know my side of the argument. And maybe hear what she thinks is going on cause I honestly have no clue.

    I just. i hate miscommunication.
     
  12. roach

    roach hump rumpus professional

    honestly it doesn't sound like miscommunication so much as deliberate sabotage by a childish jerk who wants to feel good about being wronged

    ETA: i bet there's other people she's blown molehills up into mountains about, too. her ridiculous pattern of behavior is consistent with the kind of person who always needs drama to never not be happening to her so she can fuss and whine about how drama is always happening to her
     
    Last edited: Jan 11, 2016
    • Like x 3
  13. Mercury

    Mercury Well-Known Member

    That's fine, but you gotta ask yourself what the chances are of that actually changing anything for the better and weight them against the chances it's going to cause bad feelings and give her an excuse to start drama, and put together an exit plan to implement if she throws a tantrum about it.

    I'm getting the feeling that you're holding out hope that if you just explain yourself in the right way, you can get her to at least understand, and get closure. This is exceedingly unlikely - her behavior shows pretty clearly that she's long since made up her mind and everything is All Your Fault, You Awful Person. Try it if you absolutely must, but go into it with low expectations, be prepared to drop it immediately if she starts being an asshole about it, and probably don't do it until you've made peace with the idea that you may never get any closure.

    Closure is generally not something that happens, at least not in the getting-it-from-the-other-person sort of way. IME, people end up having to find a way to give it to themselves.
     
    • Like x 2
  14. roach

    roach hump rumpus professional

    yeah, real life doesn't actually have tidy stories, with plot arcs and resolutions and people cast in roles, humans just try and think it does. your ex-friend is definitely telling herself a big story, and you're cast as bad guy— she won't cooperate with you now after she turned up her nose at so many attempts at reconciliation, and is so plainly staging this new situation with you as her antagonist. if you insist on trying to live in your own story, or argue with her about who's story is more real, you're just going to be unsatisfied for longer, and go through a lot more shit than necessary.

    stuff just happens. people do things for weird personal reasons. it's lame, but there you go.
     
  15. Toaster

    Toaster Active Member

    I can't speak for her, but as a fairly passive-aggressive person (slowly recovering) who used to pull exactly this kind of "if you have a problem with me just go away quietly" announcement, I can tell you I set them up as an emotional win-win for myself. If someone approached me they were an inconsiderate jackass who ignored my stated wishes, and I felt emotionally justified in screeching and blocking them. If they did go away quietly, clearly I hadn't done anything bad enough to be worth confronting me about, and I could go on thinking they were jerks and not have the pesky reality of their presence tripping me up. Again, I can't speak for her, but consider you may be looking at a similarly two-pronged setup where she gets a desired emotional outcome either way.
     
    • Like x 2
  16. theambernerd

    theambernerd dead to all sense of shame

    I mean, I assume desired outcome is I leave the group or she gets to kick me from the group, which isn't happening cause screw you I like everyone else in this group
     
  17. theambernerd

    theambernerd dead to all sense of shame

    Revives this like 6 months later because fuck man I still have nights where I think about how bad I fucked things up by not managing my time right one weekend and how I wish I could just explain everything to her and how I really feel because I never actually told her my point of view, I just apologized a bunch and once snapped about how I didn't think it should be a big deal with the worst timing possible and I just fucked everything up worse and I just hate how no one knows my opinion and Im so paranoid cause I'm having a ton of trouble getting back in contact with a mutual friend and I'm like what if she turned them against me. What if they all hate me now
     
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