I think I friend failed

Context: so my friend moved in with her boyfriend(now fiance) a while back and she is financially dependent on him. They got an apartment with some other peeps, but the others did not keep up with their end of the financial needs. This has pretty much destroyed all of fiance's finances and he is now incredible depressed(and it is resistant to get help for it). My friend has some pretty terrible depression, and ptsd from a number of things. Things are miserable for them.

They plan to move back in to his parents' to replenish finances. My friend has also started fixating on their wedding. I think my friend sees it as pretty much the only thing worth looking forward to. Anyways, due to finances being tight and people being especially depressed/dysfunctional in her vicinity, she has no support for the wedding, except from her mom. She messages me periodically about how mad she is that no one cares and that they don't want her to get married(his family mostly).

In my infinite wisdom(and my recent ability to words again), tried to explain to her that everyone is depressed and broken, and that's why they can't deal with the wedding. Which, because I am also pretty frickin' depressed, sounded more like "everything is fucked up and there is no hope. No one can help you". Which is... Not. The. Right. Answer. Because she is prone to cutting and not dealing well with life(which already sucks right now).

So... I do not have solution. I have clearly chosen the incorrect answer. How do fix?

# she said she was crying but not cutting last time I talked to her

 

I don't know if there's a lot of good advice to give in situations like this, other than "hang in there, things will get better," and it never feels like things will get better when you're depressed so even that comes off as unhelpful.

I'd just make it clear that you're there for her. If you can afford to buy her a week of groceries, or take her out for ice cream, something along those lines can be a huge deal. Ask if there's something that she needs that you can do for her, or offer to do something if she seems really overwhelmed.

Keep in mind that no matter how she reacts to anything that you said, she is ultimately responsible for her own health and safety, not you. If she self-harms, even if it is a reaction to something that you said or did, that's not your fault and it's not something you have control over.

 

We talked this morning and I think she's okay. I did not ask if she self-harmed over the night. She usually doesn't tell me about it, so I keep my prying to a minimum, unless I think she's at high risk. I mentioned that I thought I was unhelpful, but she said I was being supportive, so . She's actually in town atm, so I'm gonna try and see her before I head off to work.

@Aya one of the whole problems with the scenario is no one has a lot to give. I actually helped out financially(a lot) last time I visited, and that was about a half a month's worth of wages. While my cost of living is really cheap right now, I have to buy a new car and save up for moving. I'm a bit further behind than I'd like financially. I technically have what I need to transition, but not much more than that. I'm also working and super depressed. So I have minimal time and energy to do things.

I don't think I've shared this particular story here before, but we used to live together before her job broke her down. Her boyfriend offered to take care of her, because I couldn't sustain the both of us. Now he's running out of resources. It's just layer upon layer of life sucking for too many people. So, yeah, there's not really anyone left to support her(though we totally love her. She's amazing like that).

@jacktrash the problem is that is sorta what I meant, but my brain/words aren't quite working well enough to a) explain the nuanced difference, and b) not just trip all over myself and make things worse in the process.

#not sure if that was all relevant, but it felt good to write