I know I shouldn't post this because it's a terrible thing to do and I shouldn't whine at all of you but fuck it, I'm terrible, why not fucking compound the terrible Spoiler I’m not suicidal in that I’d never kill myself because I’m a coward but I really want to be dead, or at least, I really want to not be living. I don’t really bring anything or do anything good, I’m ugly, I’m abrasive, and I can’t do anything, like I can’t do simple fucking tasks right. i’ve spent the past 11 years drawing and writing and yet I am still utter shit at both, I am clumsy and fuck up anything physical and I’m stupid and fuck up anything intellectual and I’m an asshole and fuck up anything emotional. I only have three friends and I am pretty sure two of them only stick around because they would feel bad if they dropped my clingy ass and I don’t want to tell my moirail anything because I’m afraid of driving her away with such a fuck up I am, although she probably is already going to get rid of me when she realizes what a gross ass fuck I am. I spent a lot of my high school years trying to keep quiet and keep my goddamn mouth to myself, especially online because I’m afraid that if I say something people disagree with that they will literally attempt to kill me but also if I stay silent I can pretend that if I just spoke up, people would like me. But now I’ve been trying to speak up more and people still don’t like me, I still haven’t gained any friends, I’m still worthless and disgusting and I know it’s terrible to go “waah waah people should pay attention to me!” but fuck it, I am terrible! I am the fucking worst! I’ve never been a part of a community, at most I’ve just loitered around at the edge of a friend group like a fucking freak trying to figure out what magic combination or words will make them like me and I could never fucking figure it out, I tried to tell gross ass jokes like them but I always took it too far and even they thought I was terrible, and when my ex dumped me and I lost that friendgroup I desperately tried to join another except all of them barely tolerated me out of pity. I just, I know I shouldn’t be alive because I’m not doing anything, there’s no point, and I would rather not just keep living when I know that I’m just going to fuck up and be lonely, fuck up and be lonely, from here until someone fucking hits me with a car, but I’m such a fucking coward that I’m too afraid to kill myself, because I a spoiled little asshat and I’m afraid of not existing. I’m nearly 20 and I still live with my parents and I still have no job and I’m still going to community college because I a worthless fucking piece of shit who only passed high school because the teachers took pity on me and gave me 50 fucking second chances which I didn’t deserve and didn’t justify, and I can’t move out and live alone because I’m absolutely terrified whenever I’m home alne and I can barely clean and can’t cook at fucking all but I couldn’t live with a roommate because I’m so fucking loud and wierd and obnoxious and I take up too much space and I make wierd ass involuntary sounds and I run back and forth across the house whenever I’m thinking because I’m a fucking freak and I don’t know why. I just, I don’t matter and I don’t bring anything to anyone and I wish I would grow the fuck up and stop being scared of death so I could kill myself because I’m just causing misery to myself and others it would be like putting down a dog.