Okay, so as many of you have guessed from me constantly bitching and not shutting up, I don't really like my current job. Like, at all. It sucks. That, on top of the stress from trying to figure out what I'm going to do about graduate school (I still haven't made up my mind about that) is stressing me out and is pushing me in the direction of an autistic meltdown. And my meltdowns have been known to last several hours and I'll be feeling the effects for days, meaning my ability to do my job would be compromised, which is a problem because I never have two consecutive days off in a row to process and regroup. Then there's the added problem of 'what if I just lose it at work and totally fall apart while there'. Even if they didn't fire me over it, if I need them as a reference 'broke down sobbing and shaking and laid on the floor rocking back and forth unresponsively for four hours' doesn't exactly look good for me. As weird as this sounds, I'd rather just have the meltdown and get it over with so I can figure out where to go from there. Of course at the same time I can't afford to have the meltdown and I need to not have it. But at this point it feels pretty inevitable. Does anyone have any suggestions for dealing with this feeling without losing your ability to be productive? Or like, how to make it go away? I've never been very good at stopping these things.
Ideally, removing the sources of stress would be best, but it sounds like you can't quite do that. The next best option is to just take a few days off. Ask for vacation time, or just plan on calling in sick. Take a couple of "me" days. You could also try watching/reading/listening to something emotionally draining/charged. Sometimes you can get atunned to things and it lets the emotional floodgates open(do I watch really sad things in the hope of crying? Yes I do). Sometimes just writing all the upsetting/stressful things down and why can help as well. Up to you on whether you want someone to read it or not. As far as productivity... It happens when you're stressed/depressed. I've started drinking vitamin smoothie things to help keep me functional(because not eating is a thing that happens to me). Loosing nutrients can making doing things harder, on top of all the other problems. Alternative option: ask for vacation days, find something you know will push you over your limit, and just crash and burn for a couple days. A controlled break down in a sense. Not recommended btw. Been there. It sucks. Hope you don't have to deal with this crap too long.
@rorleuaisen the problem I'm running into is that I can't call off sick without a doctor's note, and I don't think A) I'd be able to get in to see a doctor or B) they'd give me a note. And I don't have a regular Psychologist I could go to and be like 'hey can you do this for me please?' Also, we have to schedule vacation time 2 weeks in advance, and it's like... I want to be able to hold out that long, I just don't think I can. So if it happens tonight/tomorrow (which it's really feeling like it will) then I'm just fucked over.
Do they have those drs on duty clinics? Or planned parenthood? Those are pretty cheap and easy to get into (relatively anyway) and if nothing else you could always lie. Like, tell them you're having chest pains and you're getting it looked at. They shouldnt even ask to see the note until later. Idk, this might be bad advice.
Hmmmmmm. Yeah, I had similiar restrictions at my work. You've only been working there for a month or so, right?
@Lissiel: I suppose I could claim I'd had one of my migraines and needed to go into the clinic to get it looked at but they weren't able to help me. I think there's a clinic nearby, although I don't know if I can see anyone in a day, because it's always so crowded. @rorleuaisen Yes, about a month.
One month is tricky. Hmm. Okay, so I suggest asking for vacation days asap. Even if you manage to get things under control, I still suggest asking for the days off. Having a couple extra days off won't hurt you ^_^ As much as possible, try to keep your environment calm and quiet(unless that is a thing that doesn't work for you). I suggest just keeping to your bedroom with comforting music and other sensory you enjoy(candles, blankets ect). If that's not really good for you try going for walks or something. Basically try to decrease intrusive/chaotic stimuli. Keep outlets nearby(people you can easily talk to, paper for writing/drawing, ect). In a sense, spoil yourself to make up for all the too-much going on. If possible, try to see a doctor and get a note. Back up plan if you can't manage to get a doctor's note and take a break soon enough: You work retail iirc, and I'm not familiar with how it operates, but people tend to be very understanding if you let them know what's up. You don't need to give them any details, but if you let co-workers and friendly managers know that things are not doing well, but you are still coming to work, there's a certain respect gained from it. It also gives them a heads up if you do manage to melt-down during work. If you break down, they are more likely to associate it with you not doing well, but trying really hard anyways, than you suddenly freaking out and no one knows what's happening. Also, if possible, if it feels like you are about to meltdown, try and ask for a break or just say you suddenly really don't feel well and get to a back room or something. And if you manage to get things moderately undercontrol, it's really important to ask yourself where the balance of what you need to do and what you can do is. Working too much has really screwed me over and I am about half as capable as I used to be. Take care of yourself.
@rorleuaisen the one issue there is that because I'm a cashier, I'm constantly in a chaotic and unpredictable environment. When I'm at home I do much better because I'm often alone, which helps me to control my environment. I do have a few coworkers I can chat with, and that takes a bit of the pressure off. I'll also try and let the bosses know I haven't been doing well as of late and may need to take breaks. I think at least two of them will be understanding (we have way too many bosses) and possibly a third. The other few wouldn't try and screw me over, I just think they'd be like 'then why do you have this job.' Thank you for your advice, I really appreciate it!
I just want to express my support even though I don't have much advice beyond what others have already said. I've been in this same situation and couldn't quite figure out a truly coherent solution but still, by more or less blindly fumbling along, I managed a fairly stable 30+ years in the work world. By sheer dint of the fact that you can feel a meltdown coming and know what's causing it, you have a leg up. That's a major strength.
@Ink thank you. It means a lot to hear I'm not just overreacting (my family usually reacts that way, and it's discouraging because then I feel like I'm doing something wrong).
