I'm scared

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by BPD anon, Mar 24, 2015.

  1. BPD anon

    BPD anon Here I sit, broken hearted

    College is horror.

    Today I got back a paper for my comics history class that I turned in a month late. The notes said I had completely misunderstood the point of the paper and basically implied that even if I weren't late, my grade would be awful. The worst part was that I had just talked to the teacher after class about some comics I recommended because I tend to rec things to anybody who will listen (ugh). I'm going to have to meet with him during office hours and it's going to be terrifying as I try to find a way to explain why I messed up so badly after using that extra month.

    I also just found a letter somebody slid under my door. It's a request from the dean to talk about my behavior in science fiction class, which is the most terrifying thing yet. I already did this a few months ago. Plus, the date on the paper is yesterday and I missed it, so they won't like me for skipping out and I am afraid to check my email now. I lost the sheet of paper with my BPD diagnosis so I don't have a reason for my behavior. I'm scared to ask for a new one because the psychiatrist refused to give me a new one for ADHD since she wasn't sure I had it anymore because I didn't react to the stimulants. What if I am just stupid and mean instead of BPD and she'll say that too? What if the dean kicks me out?

    I don't want to have all these horrible appointments and my life has been chock full of them since forever. I want to hide away or just die or something so I don't have to deal with all this.

    Fuck, this is making too big a deal out of something tiny again isn't it. I hate these stupid emotions I have over the littlest shit. Feel free to disregard this and talk about the more important problems people have.
    Last edited: Mar 24, 2015
  2. Lissiel

    Lissiel Dreaming dead

    Sweetheart? Breathe. I know this sounds like bullshit advice, but it sounds like you're freaking out about freaking out on top of all this totally legitimately upsetting stuff. So take five minutes--set an alarm on your phone if that helps--and make a list of everything you can physically feel.Start with your breath expanding and contracting your rib cage. Then list what you can hear, and start again with your own breath.

    Now, the dean
    • Like x 3
  3. Lissiel

    Lissiel Dreaming dead

    Ugh new post, sorry.

    The dean: anyone who leaves a note like that understands you see it when you see it. Call or email them back (calling is probably better, email is likely easier) and set up a new appointment. Tell them about your diagnosis and don't worry about the paper; probably they won't expect you to have it then anyway. You should totally ask for a new paper anyway though because this is not like the adhd; you're still looking really symptomatic and its clearly causing you problems. Hell, you might ask her what she can do re your getting add-styleaccommodations even if she's not sure thats specifically what it is since you still have both symptoms and school.

    Your teacher, idk how that'll play out. Maybe they just see that you didn't understand what they wanted from the assignment and they want to explain/have you do it again. Maybe they're gonna be an asshole--some people are. Either way though, you'll get through it and it'll be ok. If they do want you to redo it, feel free to send me (and the teacher/ta) the assignment and your thesis paragraph to see if the match.

    Basically, this is a lot all at once, and it totally makes sense for you to be upset. But its going to be ok. You're going to be ok. Just take little steps all the way through and you'll look up and be past it.
    Last edited: Mar 24, 2015
    • Like x 4
  4. BPD anon

    BPD anon Here I sit, broken hearted

    Today when I walked into science fiction class, the teacher asked to talk to me in the hall. She said I could continue the class as an independent study, but I couldn't keep physically coming to class. A couple more students had complained about my behavior.

    Just another in a long line of me acting out and then getting kicked out of things.

    I went and bought Tomb Raider for the PS1 because buying video games always helps with problems.
  5. Lissiel

    Lissiel Dreaming dead

    You have a psych meds person. Are you working with a therapist? Cause if not,cognitive behavior therapy might be useful to you. Last time I was in the hospital, they diagnosed me with bpd (i believe incorrectly, though i have some similar thought processes) but cbt has really helped me.
  6. Ink

    Ink Well-Known Member

    How do you feel about going ahead with the independent study?
  7. seebs

    seebs Benevolent Dictator

    I would point out: Even if you've lost the letter, that you had one in the past but have lost it is still a thing worth mentioning, because that at least gives you a frame of reference for talking about the problem.

    And I would absolutely recommend CBT/DBT, even if you have to do at least some of it solo, just trying to get a handle on things and see if you can make a little progress. BPD's prognosis is hugely dependent on your interest in working to get better, and in your case that should be a pretty excellent prognosis.
    • Like x 2
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