Note: I might remove the urgent once this timely problem has been solved. So. Right now I'm at my grandmas in her guest bedroom at around 9:30pm. I am hella stressed and have no one to talk to about it, so hi. I came over to her house (3 hours away from mine) to do a sewing project I really really wanted to do. It is half done. I came here and learned how to sew and managed to sew an entire dress (cept the bottom hem) within the past two days. Now me and my grandma don't always get along. She doesn't understand me, she doesn't really like electronics that much, and I have a feeling she doesn't understand, (and most likely doesn't approve) of lgbtq+. That doesn't really matter right now though. Basically what happened was I was in my room, and she came over and asked me if I'd come sit outside and shell peas with her. I said, Sorry, I really can't deal with the heat right now ( I've never been good with hot) I know it's not that hot out, but I don't think I can deal with it rn. (Now this statement is true, but I also didn't want to go anyway, I was out of spoons, but my grandma is very active and doesn't like wasting energy or time lazing around, so she wouldn't approve of me taking rest times) and she responded with "well it sounds like you're just wimping out but okay" (in a very patronizing voice) and left. I am majorly flipping my shit, and not like nice pancake flips to cook them nice and evenly, more like more like throwing the batter everywhere and flailing. Since she left, I have cried to myself, changed, and surfed kintsugi. I really want to do my self care routine, get some food that makes me happy, watch some yogscast, listen and sing along to my music, and other things, especially the food, it helps so much for me. But I cant. None of my heads fixes are possible right now, except avoidance. Food : can't take things from her house without permission, it won't help in the long run as well Yogscast/pokemon shuffle : distracting myself from inevitability. I know it doesn't help me Music : I don't have much happy music, my headphones are shit, I can't listen to it out loud (or sing along) without risking disappointed and annoyed passive aggressive grandma confrontation. I need to be okay with seeing her by tomorrow. Update : She just came in telling me all about fireworks and shit and how shed really passive aggressively like it if since she spends her days alone that when people come over that they would spend more time upstairs instead of hiding in the basement. She asked me if I wanted to come to church in the morning. More people. More spoons. More worrying about my appearance. I am fucking breaking down I said if I was awake I would come, which means hell no. I will fake asleep Update again: my favourite grand? Uncle called her and apparently he might come out either tomorrow or Monday. That would give me a break but yeah. Spoons. My sis Kaylotta is coming to pick me up either Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday, but I don't know which (@Kaylotta if you see this please Skype chat me when) I need to stay to start the second dress (the important one) and finish it completely. It took two days to do the first one, but it had a more complicated back, and that was including all the pattern cutting and making, (most of which is already done for the second) as well as the general learning process. But she will probably be at church till noon, and we also have to go out to Brandon for a zipper, (hiphipfuckmehooray a car trip) so maybe hardly anything will be done tommorow. But it needs to get done. As much as I don't want to stay for long now due to anxiety?, I need this dress. I have forced myself to interact with her for this long, we were fine (for once) but I can barely see her without internally swearing my face off at her and trying not to tear up. Also, my current mental support system is Kintsugi and Kaylotta, so I really need some help. Advice? Diagnosis for the symptoms of different brain wierds I might have? Both?
Hi Imo! I hope someone caught you on Skype, since it seems to be kind of quiet around here tonight. I just wanted to let you know that I'm here and listening - if you want to PM me, I'll be up for a while yet. I'm sorry you're in a tough situation and I hope your grand-uncle does come out tomorrow.
(Like because i read it, not cause good situation) Maybe do a guided meditation on youtube? They're a little cheesy but ive found they do stop my brain from anxiety-spiraling and it wouldnt matter if your headphones arent the greatest. Also, a thing that makes socializing a little easier for me and might help you get through? Most people will talk endlessly about themselves with the tiniest bit of encouagement. It takes a lot fewer spoons (for me anyway) to go "oh really? Then what did you do?" Than figure out what to talk about myself and how to phrase it. The extra attention might help with her feeling lonely too and buy you some more quiet time. Otherwise idk. I hope you feel better and it goes more smoothly for you.
Yeah. Me and withanH have been chatting, and I think I'll concentrate really hard on the sewing aspect, come in really enthusiastic, and just power through it, taking "bathroom" (spoon) breaks every now and again.
Would it help making the preparation of food and playing of music into a 'joint' thing for you both? It seems like some of the passive-aggression might be stemming from her feeling not included, so by treating this as a case of "Gran, I'm sorry, but I'm really hungry and I have a (insert food) recipe I'd like to try. If we work together, we'll both have free time quicker and have to do less?" might help, same with "Can I show you some music?". But then again, I don't know if it's very late in the night for you and it's also a risk of waking her up when she's tired and already irritable. And them music stands the chance of her disliking it and complaining about it as well, which seems like it would be unnerving? If it's very late, the best thing might be the yogcast/shuffle. Yeah, they're transient, but you really just need transient things right now, just to perk you up and push you out to a level of spoons where you can get past the dress-making and possibly the visit with the Grand-Uncle and/or church.
I've been alternating between shuffle and checking here. My stress level seems to have decreased, and I've gone into kind of lull mode. Problem with the passive aggressiveness is that it runs deep in our entire fucking family. My parents, my grandma, my aunts. So fucking annoying. I find myself doing it too, but just cause I don't want to hurt feelings by saying no, or asking for a break.
Keep at the shuffle/kintsugi pattern, if it's been a major help at this point. Sadly, not much can be done except developing very strange 'Mom from Homestuck'-like tactics in response, and that seems to be just as cold being so over-the-top obliviously glib about any passive-aggressive response that no one can really tell what's real and what's not anymore is not the best either. And at least you're aware of when it happens, so that's a good step in the right direction. Honestly, it's just better to get a clear no than getting a yes but also getting a lot of mean snide remarks. As long as that can be internalized, it should help on the instances where you might take up a chore or agree to something you just don't have the spoons too?
I think I will try to sleep. And wake up soon after she leaves for church, so I can have breakfast in peace. She woke me up this morning and it was awful. gnight!
Okay. Initial thoughts: lots and lots of breathing exercises. 5-7-8. Here is the first thing I do when faced with interacting with someone who is getting on my nerves: I ask myself, "Why would a sane, rational person who has good intentions towards me act this way?" This helps avoid assuming negative intentions on the other person's part, and helps reduce reactionary anxiety and anger. Also, "This person wants to achieve happiness, and avoid suffering, just as I do." This helps me focus on finding common ground, which helps to reduce fear and anger responses. Now. Big sister advice time. I absolutely hear you that it can be hard to connect with Grandma. It took me quite a while to figure it out, and it took some time after Grandpa passed away for her to open up and relax a little. but there are some things you need to know, from the perspective of your sibling who also had this issue, and has had ten more years to think about it. One - she is not always great at communication, and you are right in that sometimes she can be a little bit judgmental. And yes, she can be passive-aggressive. But she is far more liberally-minded than you have had the chance to see, so please don't assume she thinks one way or another - I have assumed a lot about what she thought, and I have very frequently been proven wrong. Two - yes, she is lonely, and she would like to get to know her grand-daughter better. Both Ben's and my interactions with her have gotten way easier since we realized that even though our pastimes, worlds, and communities are miles apart from hers, she is legitimately interested and curious about them, and loves to listen and discuss. Also, like Lissiel said, it isn't hard to get someone talking about themselves, especially someone who lives alone. Ask her about her Iceland trip, or about keeping a garden, or about what books she's reading, or about what Dad was like when he was little. Ask her how she deals with being lonely. She understands depression. She's very caring, though her methods of self-care are usually more active and involved - and those could well be more helpful than you might think. She's far less intimidating if you engage with her, and I've found that engaging with her takes far fewer spoons than avoiding her. Also, trying to do things will garner a lot of respect with her, whether they work or not - she doesn't expect you to be perfect, but she expects that you try your best and be willing to venture out of your comfort zone. I was also frequently frightened of and angry at Grandma when I was about your age. I felt like she was always passive-aggressive, didn't understand me, and wanted me to do things I didn't want to do. As time has gone by, I have found her to be a smart, industrious woman who cares deeply about her family and is all for doing everything she can to make life interesting and forward-thinking. Is she perfect? No, of course not, but she's not the monster our family drama sometimes paints her to be. She really is worth getting to know, though sometimes it does require doing things we'd rather not. I think that right now, she is feeling awkward about how to connect with you. She is offering to share her life with you because it is all she has to offer. She's not sure what to ask you about, but she wants to talk with you and hear about your life. She really does love you - but what with the distance, and the old drama that hasn't been solved keeping things hella awkward between her and Mom and Dad (and the poor communication/passive-aggressive conflict that is indeed a problem in the family), she hasn't had the chance to get to know us as we grow in the way she might have liked. And, honestly, that makes her really sad. She wants to get to know her grandkids and share their lives, and Mom and Dad can barely figure out their own relationship, let alone our relationship with her, and that's caused a lot of problems for everyone involved. All this to say: I hear you. I have been where you are, and it took effort on my part, but it turned out really well. Give her the benefit of the doubt. Open up to her, try things, do your best. I suspect you will be surprised. I certainly was, and I have learned a lot from her that I never would have if I had continued to believe that she didn't want to understand me and never could.
Okay, first thing first, thanks to all of you. Second, Update. I misheard when church started, so when I went up to get breakfast, she came out and I had a very awkward breakfast in silence. She then said I guess you're not going to be coming with me to church. And then, since she was hand sewing part of my dress done, she said, well you might as well be doing this instead of me so you're not just sitting here today. What the hell. So I finished it while she left, and now I have one hour (she gets home at 12:00) I have a feeling I should do something , but I dont know what.
Well, I have an answer, maybe not the best answer, but... Level with her. Tell her how you're feeling. Tell her what you're trying to accomplish, and talk to her about it. Because I think Kay's point is probably right, and she probably wants to connect with you too, but isn't sure, so. Basically, talking explicitly about what you feel and what you want is usually the best call with people who aren't abusive or otherwise likely to be hostile to your goals.
If I can make a guess, she feels hurt that you don't want to spend time with her. If you want to keep this from getting even more awkward, I'd suggest talking to her. Maybe something like "I'm sorry I didn't want to come to church today. I get really nervous around a lot of people I don't know, and I tend to get tired and grumpy." I'm not sure how else you're going to be able to do this if you want things to get better. Either you talk to her about what's bothering you, or you put in the effort to meet her halfway. If you don't want to have a conversation about what's bothering you, but you want to make things a little easier and you're willing to put in some effort, you could say something like "I'm sorry about the last couple days. I've been feeling antisocial, and that's not cool when I'm visiting someone. I'm going to try harder to do things and engage more."
I'm gonna jump in to sewing, cause if we're sewing, I can talk about that. And I'll take breaks to hopefully replenish 1/2 spoon or 1 spoon. I have been cheered up by a response to my comment on something though. So that's nice.
Seconding talking to her about it. Kaylotta says she understands depression, so maybe just explain that you don't really have the energy to socialize with people? Heh, maybe explain spoon theory to her! My grandma doesn't really get depression, but she's trying really hard and tries to take us (my mom and I) at our word when we tell her we can't do something. She can still be frustrating but it really only works when we actually communicate. That said, communication is hard and I know it's not as easy as it sounds. xP Good luck, and I hope you can have fun making the dress!
okay so school fucks with me, and I have to start getting ready to go back, and its become a spoon stealer, so imma rant uunder a spoiler tag. (there is also completely unrelated to school things in here, but I needed to rant :/) If you feel like answering, sure. if you think i might have some brainwierd, sure, if you have some coping mechanism for school, sure, if you have soome tips and tricks sure, if you have internet hugs, sure Spoiler Basically, ive always been the smart kid who people ask for help, but dont actually like. If I walked away from a group i was standing with, they probably would just continue talking. I hated things most people liked, I didn't want to talk all that much, I'd rather read than play soccer, I'd rather sit by myself far away than play soccer. My class was and is very fucking sports orientated. You dont run? 8laughs at you* "soft balls to the face dont hurt" "suck it up" and yet, you still come to me for help with your math. You still ask me to explain your geometry. I still do. Becasue it makes me feel like I belong, like you care about my opinion. I'm prrobably exxagerating, but fuck it. I needed to write this down. any "friends" Ive had over the years have just been people who put up with me talking to theyre friends and them, they werent emotional support, they were the best of the not good. But I have such mental health issues, that I dont want to open up to someone unless theyve already said it was okay. so I wont initiate a feelings jam, they have to. I wrote some stuff down a few weeks ago, I dont say somethings wrong because I'm waiting for the person who sits down next to me andasks me "whats wrong" I say I'm fine when people ask me whats wrong because I'm waiting for the person who responds with, "bullshit. now tell me actually" At dances I reject offers to dance because I so desperately want to go dance, becasue I was waiting for someone who persisted, and could see that I was lying I'm waiting for someone who can see right through me, who calls my BS, who knows how to persist and who breaks down my walls because they CARE and WANT to know whats behind them who will make sure I feel better, even if I wont admit I'm feeling down someone I could have a conversation like this with "whats wrong" "nothing" "BS" "I'm fine" "no youre not" "Ill be okay" "fuck that, you can cry on me, rant whatever, I care about you, lets work this out"I want the kind of hugs that I try to give, (note, everyone I hug compliments me on my hugs :?) determined "I care about you, you can feel the support I'm trying to put in, I'm not sure how else to help you,but you have my support and my open arms when you need them, dont forget. I need a day of spontanity, spontanity everyday, or at least one day uplanned, where they call me and are like, we are going out and doing whatever we feel like doing, jamming out in the car, shopping,starbucks, videogames, forest walks, bowling, you name it, at whatever time, and we'll do it. spur of the moment fun AMAZING someone who is also ready for cuddle days on the couch, "forcing" me to watch silly happy disney movies (cause it they are fake forcing me then I dont feel guilty about making them watch thing, or about liking the things in the first place) with big cuddly warn knit w=sweaters and hot cocoa. Someone who I dont have to act disgusted by romance with (and in this moment, I swear i was Karnep embodied) someone who thinks my shipping is adorable, or at least okay and wont tease/ridicule me for it. Someone who understands through all my language that "You are fucking fine sliver of human on this shitty assface planet" means "you are so important in my life, and you mean a lot to me" not taking it as an insult or going "uh.... okay..?" I want someone who will cuddle up to me when I'm sad, droop their face in front of mine, feather lightly kiss my nose, then run away laughing when I blush/flail in surprise. Someone who will love every part of me, even the parts I dont, who knows me inside and out, who knows when i want to talk, when I need to be swept away on an adventure, and when I ust need to be cuddled. This person probably doesn't exist. This might be jobs for more than one person. "You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.." -John Lennon Now yes, I know I am a selfish fuck with sky high dreams. But.. I'm not sure where I was going with this sentence I know im selfish I know I'm young I know I have ages to go I know people will come around and do good in my life I know I'll get friends soon I know I exaggerate I know that half the people i think dont like me probably do I know that I need to put in effort to I know that every life has its troubles I know that my family loves me I know that people have their own troubles, and cant always deal with mine I know that life gets better I know that I over think things I know that I'm not useless I know that I dont have to solve everyone's problems I know that my issues arent as bad as others I know that contrary to the fact above, that my issues still matter I know that I'm safe I know that I get good grades I know that I'm self conscious I know that nobody notices the things I nitpick about myself I know that things will get better I know that there is beauty in life I know that I can help myself get better I know that I'm doing the best I can to get professional help I know that my doctor isnt awful I know that the world isnt as scary as my brain makes it out to be I know I have my strengths I know I have my weaknesses I know I'm better off than some people I know how to read my emotions I know how to control my emotions I know that it isn't always good to control my emotions I know that dreaming isn't bad I know that dreaming shouldn't be my whole life I know I have to start working towards my dreamed goals in order to achieve them I know that people will help me I know that people care I know that escapism only helps for so long, then it just harms I know that I need to talk about my problems more often than rare feeling dumps I know that I'm not fat, despite what my brain says I know that being smart isnt a crime I know that hoping for the best isnt a crime I know that preparing for the worst isnt a crime I know that preparing for the worst doesnt always help and sometimes makes me fear that the worst will always come I know that I ramble I know that people care, despite what my brain says I know that my artworks/works not getting attention doesnt mean they arent goo I know that people have theyre own lives to live I know that not everybody will read this I know that some people will I know that people CARE I know that some people do legitimately want to help I know that I can get through this I know that I'm probably fucked up I know that despite having probably fucked up, I can fix it I know that im not trash I know that my preferences deserve respect I know that my likes and dislikes are valid I know that I am valid I know that I deserve respect I KNOW but it doesnt always help. Well shit thats hella long. (I hope I dont breach the word limit) I applaud you if you read through all that. I applaud you intensely. I sincerely hope I didn't trigger something for you. :/
Are we allowed to offer advice or comment on what we've just read? Because honestly, I've been in a similar boat before, and while I do want to say something, I fear it might be too blunt or too callous, especially when you're in the middle of trouble and it feels like there's no way out. If it's too much, I can just offer internet hugs, and an offer to talk about ships with you, but I do admit I don't know what fandoms you follow and if we like the same things or not.
nah mate its fine. I'm rambling because i needed to let it out. (and tbh everything you offered sounded lovely)
I'm going to put the advice and commentary around it in a spoiler, so at least it's something that (if non-applicable or too blunt), it can always just be disregarded and treated like it doesn't exist. Spoiler: Putting this in spoilers to try and mitigate bluntness Honestly, as someone with social anxiety that has a lot of those same thoughts... It's just makes it harder to find someone to connect to. Both neurotypical and a lot of other types of neurodivergent folks don't consider things that deeply to start a friendship, and while one really just wants that one friend who understands them enough to push for an answer, that's a stage of friendship that takes months to build up to, at best. All you can really do is, when that voice that screams 'no, I want you to understand me, I want to dance, I want to be noticed!' screams when you reject someone, just... Listen and take up the offer. It's hard and it sucks. And, I'm not going to lie, a lot of times it doesn't work out, especially at first when you're trying to get used to it, but when the opportunity comes around, it's best to take it instead of holding back in an attempt to see how genuine the offer is. A lot of people won't realize that you actually do want them around when you turn them down: they just will think you don't, or that you don't like them or want to dance. It takes a lot of time to find people who will understand, but with forcing that mindset down and keep pushing at it, you will find people who will be open to spontaneity, or find people that will inspire that kind of spontaneity in you, where you'll be the friend at 11AM, with a bag of clothes and a plan of going to the closest bohemian town in the area for a day of tie-dye peasant skirts and chunky rock window-shopping. Please don't give up on that, it's just... Also push for that as well. And it's fine if you're not ready to yet. With your brainweirds and your issues with your grandma, I can understand if you want to first shore up yourself mentally, get on as strong of an emotional ledge as you can before exposing yourself. Also, regarding ships, I tend to lean towards the mindset of pairing off everyone in the core cast at least once. Mostly on a basis of... Well, it's kind of fun. Different romances lead to different build-ups and character growth and responses. I can respect the 'There is one pairing only per set of people and that's the OTP' mindset however, even if HP and old-school Digimon fandoms scared me away from that kind of view for a long time.
Yeah. I want to be that person so bad, but its really hard when i just can't be that person. When I'm out of spoons, when ive spent so many years in a place where everyone has their reputation, and mine's been, basically, "party pooper" "smart girl in the back" "smartass" "hates people" "tomboy" And the reason I said I have sky high dreams is because I know that these things come with time and effort, things I can't do yet. Also shipping Spoiler: SHipsssssss Most of my hardcore shipping is for homestuck, cause there are just SO MANY CHARACTERS. So I fill out ship charts and shit. such as Spoiler: Pictures Matesprite chart Moiral chart Picked favourite ships that can all interlock and work together prioritizing OTP and then so on and so forth Spoiler: Also these strange things I did that are kinda cool? did these for all the main cast *heh* Did this too *sigh* I am obsessed Ill admit but I also kinda ship other things, not as much though.
