In true Heart player fashion, I can figure out everyone else's problems, but not my own.

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by Re Allyssa, Mar 4, 2015.

  1. Re Allyssa

    Re Allyssa Sylph of Heart

    Facts/story up front: Been anxious and depressed for years, I'm thinking starting around spring 7th grade (uh, spring 2006?)? But that's looking back and noticing symptoms in hindsight. Started looking for help in 11th grade (fall 2009). Went to therapist for about a year (fall 2010-spring 2011), but it didn't help much because I couldn't tell them everything because I didn't know everything. Family situation* blew up January 2011. Proceeded to go to a very rigorous school even thought I dropped out of the rigorous program in high school. Took last semester (August-December 2014) off, has been seeing therapist and psychiatrist since then (Started with therapist in October, psychiatrist in November).
    *Oh, right. Family situation from which I have (Officially Diagnosed, fuck you brain) PTSD, so that is a Thing (that I can't really go into right now).

    In January, I was having problem with my meds making it hard for me to sleep, so we dropped the dose. I was still struggling with depression things (feeling like it would never stop, crying every night, etc) so we were gonna try to get the doc to change it or add something or just something. Then in February I dropped the course that was giving me the most trouble.

    Now that I don't have daily stress, I've been better at coping with the stress of my other classes. In fact, I think I'm doing objectively better in that I don't fly completely off the handle when I have a big assignment due, or if I didn't do as much work as I was supposed to on a given day.
    And while I don't really feel bad everyday, I don't always feel good, and even when I do... I mean it just feels like more of the same? I don't feel like I'm better yet. But then I took a little diagnostic quiz and I couldn't answer more than a few of them with the 1 point (0-3 scale), much less any with 2 or 3 points. And even though my therapist agrees that that's not an accurate measure of how depressed I am, I can't shake the feeling that I'm wrong some how??
    That maybe I'm not depressed and whatever I"m feeling now is just normal and it's because I'm at a stressful school and I should just deal?? That I'm expecting too much to change from meds? That I'm faking or something??

    I can't articulate how I feel in a general sense because if I'm feeling good in that moment, I'll only think about the breakdowns as bad, and I haven't had any of those since I dropped the course.
    If I'm feeling neutral/okay/baseline/only a little bluh then everything is overall okay with normal ups and downs because I CAN feel happy, so therefore I can't be depressed, right?
    And if I'm feeling terrible and crying then everything is terrible and it's always been this way and it'll always be this way (like right now, even though I know those last two aren't true).
    And I don't know how to articulate this to the proper people to get it fixed. I'm sick of feeling like this. Why can't I just press a magic button that will make it better?
    (Oh, fuck, now would be the time to take one of those prns, huh? brb going to do that [even though I don't want to for some reason?? I don't want to stop this breakdown before it gets worse?? fuck that] [but fuck if I let my roommate see my tear stricken face even though she can probably hear me crying the walls aren't that thick])

    And like I brought up be possibly feeling autistic to my therapist and she really doesn't buy it. She asked me why and I tried to come up with all the reasons but I know I was forgetting some, and I couldn't get to my Seebsian list because I didn't have internet/new comp. And like I said, she really doesn't think I am, but then she really doesn't think it's possible for autistics to have deep meaningful social relationships, so she really probably doesn't know what she's talking about.

    And I just really feel like an impostor today. Like I'm not autistic, I just want to be (for some reason??) and I'm offending everyone who really has to deal with that stuff.
    And I guess now I'm allowed to feel depressed because I'm crying and feel terrible, but when I'm not super low, I'm not actually depressed anymore and somehow I've gotten "better" it's just that better wasn't as good as I hoped.

    And I feel like I'm inconveniencing all my friends or stepping on everyone's toes or just being annoying or something today. And I can't tell anyone I'm having trouble because all my friends are having trouble I can't be more of a burden. And I know it's not true but I can't escape that feeling.

    Holy shit I was kind of fine a few minutes ago but now I'm crying and having trouble breathing so maybe I am depressed, hooray???

    (Sorry I needed to put this somewhere. I was gonna put it in the Autism board when this was just feeling impostor=y about autsim stuff, but now that it's everything... Idk if it should've been here or advice but w/e
    Edit: moved from the Braiiins subform to here because I think I was asking for advice? I dunno. I feel less terrible atm.)

    Note: I can't keep track of time and When Things Happened except by school semesters, so I just made a chart mapping out school years so I could refer to dates in this post. I have no idea if this is relevant but I feel like it's not normal? then I feel like that about a lot of things, at least half of which people say is normal.
  2. rorleuaisen

    rorleuaisen Frozen Dreamer

    Gah! Wrote a giant reply and lost it! Ugh....

    Short version: been there, know how you feel. Definately sounds like depression, it may also be burnout.
    • Like x 1
  3. Re Allyssa

    Re Allyssa Sylph of Heart

    Burnout sounds right based on context used, but what exactly do you mean?
  4. rorleuaisen

    rorleuaisen Frozen Dreamer

    As in describe burn out? For me it's just a complete lack of spoons. Like they are all broke. But in general, it's just everything is broken and nothing works anymore. And the mood swings are like a sort of healing process? I'm still in the beginning stages but it's like "yay, I can feel again" "wait, what the fuck are emotions?" "Omg I feel them all again, but they keep on changing!"

    Sorry it's late for me, and I'm not entirely sure what your asking. I'll stay up for a bit longer if you'd like, but I'll probably be better at the words thing in the morning.
  5. Re Allyssa

    Re Allyssa Sylph of Heart

    Okay, yeah that's what I was parsing it as.
    Maybe a little of both then?

    Mmm yeah, no problem. Sleep is good =D
    • Like x 1
  6. seebs

    seebs Benevolent Dictator

    It is possible to sustain both longish-term and potentially permanent injury, and that applies to brains, not just muscles. It can take months-to-years to recover from a long-term persistent spoon shortage. Mostly, think of it a little like you would a pulled muscle.
    • Like x 1
  7. Re Allyssa

    Re Allyssa Sylph of Heart

    Attempting too. The good days/weeks just trip me up. I know how to be mostly good to myself when it's obvious that I'm depressed. Because look! See, sick, I'm allowed to self-care.
    But on good days, then I'm just being lazy.
    Which. Doesn't really make sense at all. And directly contradicts everything I say when I give advice to other people. But I guess that's brains for you.
  8. rorleuaisen

    rorleuaisen Frozen Dreamer

    It can definitely be both. I'm pretty sure I have dysthymia(never been treated) and the burnout on top of it. So my little moodswings are mild. I imagine yours are more extreme because of your depression. I totally can't get my self to cry, but I almost did when I wrote down all things that I've been dealing with lately. That's part of what clued me in that you may have the same thing.
    • Like x 1
  9. Allenna

    Allenna I am not a Dragon. Or a Robot. Really.

    She indeed has no idea what she is talking about. If you can you might want to start shopping around.
  10. Re Allyssa

    Re Allyssa Sylph of Heart

    She seems to really really get that I actually am depressed and stuff, which is really comforting, because I think a lot of the time people buy my fronting. So having someone who can see through that is nice.

    I think she just might be undereducated wrt autsim? In which case, I could probably try to find her resources...
    Plus she seemed to understand that I want the diagnosis mostly for explanatory reasons, rather than to get more accommodations or things (but that would also be nice).
    Besides there's somewhere around here that deals with testing and autistic adults, so I'll try to look into that.
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