Insert Creative Title Here (Zero Vents and Screams like an Idiot)

IT IS NOT POSSIBLE TO GET A HUMAN BEING THROUGH MY BANK. I had to send them an email. I'm never getting a damn bank card again. Life sucks.

 

I need to stop posting but I'm just... lonely. I don't have anyone to hang out with here. Me and my one coworker seem to be hitting it off, but he's a very outgoing person in general. I don't know if he's be interested in hanging out outside of work or if that's a hard no. Me and another of my coworkers have been chatting a bit, and she's really nice, but I don't think we're at the point where we can go somewhere together. I know this is normal for being in a new place, but it's hard to have no really engaging schedule. I only work 3-4 days a week, and I can't necessarily socialize a lot at work because, you know, we're working. I go to the gym almost every morning just because I have to get out of the house somehow (my joints hurt a little less, not a whole lot but it's SOMETHING, I'll take it). I like to play my videogame, but I literally only own one for the ps4, and not a lot for my DS. I have a little money on an Amazon card I can use to buy another one, but I don't know if I will?

I just wish I had more to do.

 

It occurs to me recently that I haven't processed a lot of the fucked-up shit that happened to me as a kid.

 

I really hate cashiering but apparently that's the only thing that will keep my head financially above water. Please someone call me back I need a second job please it's urgent.

 

I'm so stupid. I put myself down for a shift I can't cover. It's tomorrow. I'm so stupid. I'm so stupid. What's wrong with me??

 

Have to talk to my manager about my fuckup. Wish me luck.

 

There was no yelling or threatening. My one manager (who can be a bit abrasive, but who I really think means well) told me it was okay, mistakes happen, just don't worry about the second shift, the swap was never approved anyways. I'm too tired to still be upset, but I want to cry.

 

Good news: one of my coworkers heard that I haven't gotten to go out much since I got here, so she invited me out to go to dinner and go to a club with her! I'm excited, but also a little worried - I don't hold my alcohol well and I don't know how to dance. At least I found clothes to wear!

 

What the fuck just happened

My coworker asked me why I was so generous. I answered. He then started telling me about a girl he met a few weeks ago (I met him a few weeks ago) who is very sweet and generous while giving me this knowing look... Then started talking about how she makes him feel awkward and he doesn't want to hang out with her, he likes her as a person, not romantically, etc.

And the thing is, I'm on the aro spectrum, but I occasionally develop crushes. I have a crush on him. So I'm trying not to hyperventilate and I'm thinking 'is he talking about me?' And he keeps giving me these looks, like he's watching my fave closely.

Then he told me they dated for a week (we didn't) but broke up. And I'm sitting there like 'okay maybe not me, unless he's trying to throw me off?'

He walks off, then comes back over to say he would be honored to date this girl, if only he had feelings for her.

And I still am not sure if he was trying to get me to back off then felt bad and tried to cover it up? I don't flirt with him, but I do smile a lot at him.

Oh my god what the fucckkk

 

I realllyyy don't know what to do about this. Fucckkk this is why I shouldn't have feelings.

 

Okay, so the whole bus thing didn't work out, I wound up driving over to friend's house and sleeping on her couch overnight. I had a really fun time - we went to a gay bar that was showing Batman and Robin with a bunch of comedians doing commentary, and I drank some good vodka, and then we walked home. The problem is that I think it might have slipped into date territory? We were walking arm-and-arm for a bit, and then she disentangled her arm (which was fine, she's taller and I'm sure she's tired of supporting me, and I'm not huge on physical contact anyways so I wasn't like, mad or upset or anything) and then she gently held my hand?? And she kept looking at me like everything I said was so important.

And like, I like her, I really do, but the shit with my coworker just happened, and I'm scared I'm starved for attention. I don't know if I have romantic feelings for her and that makes me feel like a terrible person. It feels like there's something wrong for me. We sat up for hours and just talked, and occasionally we'd lean closer, but I'd eventually try and verrryyyy slowly so as not to offend her lean back because I just wasn't ready to kiss her, and I really hope to god that I didn't hurt her feelings. But I'm worried that I did and that makes me feel terrible. Like, I don't know if I could develop romantic feelings for her or not, but I don't want to lead her on into thinking that I already have them. I don't want to hurt her - she's super nice. And I keep feeling like there's just something so wrong with me that this sweet, kind person who went out of her way to show me around is interested in me and I don't feel like I'm in love with her.

 

Oh goddd I think she asked me on another date? She wants me to come over so we can watch one of the animes I own, and she said she'll cook us a nice dinner. Is that a date? It sounds date-ish, but friends do that, right?

 

That sounds date-ish. It might be a good idea to literally ask, "Is this a date?" Then you have a potentially awkward conversation ahead, but at least you'll know where you stand.

 

I'm so bad with this, but I know that you're right. It's good to know ahead of time, because I don't want to upset her if she thinks it's a date and I wind up being like 'oh... no sorry I didn't think it was a date'. I'm gonna have to brace myself, though - if I hurt her feelings I might cry. I also feel awkward bringing it up because... as weird as this sounds, we never talked about the hand-holding or anything last night? It just kind of happened?

This is why I need to learn communication skills and stop just doing what i think other people want me to.

 

I feel you, because I have historically been the WORST at this. Good luck. *hug*

 

So I talked to her, and apparently this wasn't definitively supposed to be a date, but she's okay if it is. And actually... I'm okay with that. I had a conversation with my therapist that I think helped me. My therapist said (paraphrasing) 'sometimes people date to get to know each other. And if it winds up not working out, well, that's just life. So it's okay if you go on a date with her without knowing if you want this to be a serious committed relationship or not.' And that kind of made me feel better, because now I don't feel like I'm leading her on since she wasn't planning on this being a date anyways. And I might regret saying this, but I feel like it's okay to go on a date with her even if I don't know if she's someone I could fall in love with yet.

 

I made an appointment with planned parenthood. I need some AFAB-lady things done. I'm so nervous though.

 

So I went on the date. I think it went well, but I have next to no dating experience. Also, even though I'm an adult I had never been kissed. I feel kinda bad for her because I'm sure I totally fucking sucked because I had noooo clue what I was doing - I just tried to follow her lead. Probably poorly, I might add. Also my lips were so chapped. So. Chapped. And I thought this morning's goodbye kiss was probably somewhat better... Although I still had grease from breakfast on my lips. Romance: it might not be my forte. I think other than that it went well!

 

Today is a really stressful, difficult day. I need to rest. Thankfully I'm seeing my therapist and I'm hoping she'll give me some perspective because I definitely need it.

 

tw: suicide mentions

Fucking shit I'm emotionally incompetent.

Broke it off with the girl I went on a few dates with, I had my reasons but whatever. She seemed genuinely interested in staying friends, so good! Then yesterday we were texting and she just... I don't even know. She started talking about how she wanted to kill herself, etc. And I didn't know what to do and I kind of feel like a monster because

Spoiler: Zero is bad

I've had so many people do this to me that anymore I barely even feel alarm when people start telling me/threatening me that they'll kill themselves. Like I'm always somewhat worried, but never outright panicked, and that's the kind of situation where you NEED to use the adrenaline from panic. I hate being this way but I'm just... I've dealt with this so much and it shuts me down.

I think I managed calm her down, and she was doing better, but I just... don't know how to handle that? It came out of nowhere. I know she's been having a hard time at work and unfortunately her dysphoria got triggered but she'd seemed fine and then all of a sudden, 'I'm just gonna die.'

I don't know what to do.