Insert Creative Title Here (Zero Vents and Screams like an Idiot)

Spoiler: Ableism, really hard ableism

so I just heard that the cop who shot an unarmed behavioral therapist was actually aiming for the unarmed autistic boy next to him. I'mmmm kinda fucked up over this? I know I personally wasn't in danger but it's just like... What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me that they tried to shoot someone like me? And I hope the boy is okay and I hope his therapist recovers. I wish they didn't have to be victimized like this. It's horrible.

 

I just did the math and I realized that my first paycheck from my second job is probably just going to be the pay I got from orientation. Which means it'll be 30-some bucks. And since I don't have many hours from my other job, my next paycheck is gonna be like, 400 bucks total, which is pretty fucking much nothing considering what I need.

 

I don't remember if I mentioned this, but my Mom is coming in two weeks. Here. She's coming here. Where she's never been. Where I've been going around knowing no one knows her and no one can report back to her. She'll come to my apartment, where she's never been. I feel safe there. She'll probably go throygh my stuff.

I can't handle this.

 

That sucks a lot. I hope you can keep yourself safe.

 

Thank you. I'm working with my therapist on ways to do that, so at least I have a calm perspective helping me right now.

 

Best of luck. I'm glad your therapist is supportive.

 

Had a mini breakdown at work. I feel like I'm gonna go into ongoing crisis mode AGAIN because that never fucks anything up.

 

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME

 

I'm trying to arrange Skype calls with two close friends later. I need to see friendly faces right now, and I think that would help. I cried in my sleep but it was stupidly about something unrelated to this. I dreamt we went to the beach. My favorite place in the world is the beach, and I wanted to stay there forever. But my father told me 'this is our last day'. And I looked at the water and I half-joked 'can't we stay'? and he just sighed and told me no. And I could feel myself sobbing in my dreams because I love the ocean so much. I keep having dreams about going back there but I'm so far away now, I can't go in a day like I could at one point. It's an extremely raw spot with me.

I wish I had more than one day off. I want to fall apart privately for a while so I can start building myself back up. Or maybe I don't need built back up?

What really, really upsets me is this: my emotions are not valid. They're not real, they're fake. I'm on the correct dose of my medication again after a ton of med fuckery. I'm sure that's what triggering this. I mean I'd be upset anyways, shit's going on, but I bet I wouldn't be blowing this out of proportion. And you'd think that knowing that it's just the meds, these aren't real ideas or feelings, I'd calm down, but no. Still freaking out and being impossible to deal with. I don't even want to be around myself. What the fuck is wrong with me??? I don't want to be like this. I'm not happy freaking out. But I can't deal with it - I keep struggling not to cry.

I want to go to the ocean. I want to cry over the ocean because it's out of my control and on every level I can accept that, even if I mourn it. I want to see my best friend and cry on her couch. I want to go up north and see one of my closest, kindest friends again. But I can't do any of that and I'm so small and helpless and stuck.

 

Things to do to prep for my Mom coming/facilitate an okay visit:

- Find a place to hide my alcohol bottles. Most of them are barely missing anything, but that won't matter to her. (Maybe ask friend to store it at his apartment?? he might drink them though).
- Clean out refrigerator. Remove anything spoiled. Scrub sides and shelves.
- Buy food to put in refrigerator so it's not basically empty and she can't complain about how my pain is my own fault.
- Hide sweets maybe? I don't have many anymore - I can't afford them as much, but what I have should probably be hidden. I might be able to stick them in the microwave.
- Vacuum carpet and kitchen/living area/bathroom.
- Empty bathroom trash.
- Burn the scented wax cubes I have so the place smells good.
- Sweep out the entryway.
- Scrub shower and bath.
- Scrub toilet.
- Scrub kitchen sink, counters, and stove.
- Wash all dishes and make sure they are removed from the sink.
- Do laundry or hide it somewhere she won't see it so she can't complain.
- Find time to do laundry??? I don't know when but it has to be done.
- Maybe clean out car, she knows it's a mess and I honestly have no spoons to touch it.
- Hide anything she wouldn't like under the bed (see if alcohol bottles will fit??).
- Figure out where we're going to go - she's going to want to get dinner somewhere and I don't go out so I don't know where people eat. She'll also probably want to see the town, but I don't go out so I'll probably just have to show her the campus.
- Figure out how to get to campus??? There's almost no parking and she won't want to use the bus.
- Find place to take her on day 2 of her visit. There's a Denny's around here somewhere and I drive by a park on my way to the gym.
- DON'T LET HER GO TO WORK. DON'T LET HER SEE WORK. DON'T LET HER KNOW ABOUT WORK. NO. JUST NO. CAN'T HAPPEN.
- Try and figure out what the parameters of the visit are. She's homophobic and this city has a very high LGBQ+ population, so I can't take her to any place that's especially LGBTQ+ friendly because she'll start saying shit and it'll be gross and embarrassing. But on the other hand, she can't completely avoid being exposed to LGBTQ+ people, because that's not a reasonable expectation here. Figure out which places are not likely to be openly and proudly in support of equal rights (no rainbow flags in the windows, for example).
- She's also kind of racist but we have WAAYYYYYYY too many international students to do anything about that.
- Maybe I'll ask my coworkers where to take her? I should probably pretend like I know my way around.
- Explain to coworkers that my mother might come despite my best efforts and is bigoted and I'm sorry. I don't support or condone her views and I understand that her behavior is, at times, inappropriate. I am sorry if she offends them or makes them uncomfortable and will try and keep her moving so that she doesn't just stand there and keep talking despite being offensive.
- Beg for money before she leaves because I'm useless and pathetic and I always need and want help like a stupid child.

I'm posting this here because knowing me I'll lose the list or lose access to it and then I'll be left the day before panicking and running around uselessly trying to think of what to do.

 

You can do it! It sounds like a super stressful time.

 

It is, but list-making helps. I'm proud because I've been keeping up with simple housecleaning tasks (for example, I vacuum the kitchen at least every ten days) so thankfully the entire apartment isn't completely trashed. My coworkers who know my Mom is coming understand a little bit that this isn't necessarily a good thing, so I think even if she's rude or inappropriate they won't get upset with me. I have to work for the first part of the day she's arriving, so I won't have to be with her the entire time. Overall I think I can make this manageable. Thank you for the vote of confidence.

 

I start my orientation for graduate school tomorrow. I'm starting to get nervous - I have to ride the bus for the third time in my life, second time in this town and first time by myself, and I don't know where I'm going or how to get back.

 

Tfw your scary Mom is just a few hours away from seeing you and on top of that your car needs fixed lol

I am so scared

 

Aaannndd they're pissed at me at work because I didn't realize how long it would take the person after me to show up so I asked to leave five minutes after I was scheduled to go instead of waiting. Greaaattt.

 

Okay, anxiety... Yes thus sucks and will probably keep sucking but deflecting to how much everyone at work hates me isn't helping at all. It's literally making everything worse.

 

They are likely more annoyed at the latecomer, it can get super frustrating.

Good luck with your mother.

 

Thank you. It's okay so far - no huge snags in the road. I feel gross because I act so different around her. It's so weird and uncomfortable.

 

I hated my fucking job today. If I get one more stupid phone call I don't know what the hell I'm going to do. This girl literally called because she waits every year until the Saturday after school starts and then, when we're inevitably out of notebooks, pitches a fit. Because our store, located in the busiest part of town, is the 'only one close to her.' Never mind that we're in walking distance of two other places that also sell notebooks (at least two, I should specify) we're THE ONLY STORE. And she demanded to speak at a manager to yell at him, he wasn't having her shit and hung up, and she called me back. I fucking can't with these people. If you know you're going to not find what you want if you wait too long, maybe come earlier. I don't believe for a second that there is only one single day of the year you can shop for school supplies. Also it's apparently out fault that she wasn't prepared for class. Because WE'RE the irresponsible ones, you see.

Fucking - like I don't have a hard enough time dealing with everyone else in my life. And then I'm constantly surrounded by loud crowds of demanding people and screaming children. I don't like screaming children and I'm sick of answering dumb questions. I had to tell someone that no, she cannot try on underwear. No, you can't do it over your current pair because I have no proof when you come back out of the fitting room that you had any barrier between yourself and the underwear, so I have to defect it. And then she got pissed with me. what fucking store are these people going to that lets them try on underwear. where. because this is a thing i constantly have to reiterate jfc would you even fucking want to buy underwear from a store that lets people try it on oh my god you moldy loaf of bread.

And of course I started getting a pressure headache and now my eyes are acting up again, which is a bad sign with all the other symptoms I'm having because unfortunately there's a chance that my symptoms are neurological, which would explain the shaking, the confusion, and the memory lapses. I literally forgot if I collected payment or not from a customer the other day. There was nothing in my brain saying one way or another, I just had nothing there. Neurological problems would also explain the almost total lack of sensation in the tip of the toe of my right foot and the time my pinky finger went totally numb for three day. But if it's neurological I'm only going to get worse and I need to be able to keep working.

And I don't know how to process my Mom, I'm literally mentally deflecting that shit because there aren't enough spoons in the world. She texted me to ask if I activated the phone she was going to throw out but gave to me instead and I don't want to hear her get pissed when I say no because I can't keep dealing with people.

And fuck my finances and everything else.

And fuck me, for always whining when the only thing that's wrong in my life is that I might possibly be having neurological symptoms, which I'm probably making worse. The doctor is probably going to treat me like a damn idiot. Fuck my life.

 

Oh man, retail hell :(

And that is a lot of things to be dealing with. It's okay to be overwhelmed.